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“She doesn’t know I’m here, does she? Sica, you said you didn’t—!” If Tiffany and Jessica were pranking me, it was definitely not a fun prank.

“I didn’t say anything to her! If she knows you’re here it’s not because of me!” We were like a couple, too stressed and too tired to take the argument anywhere else and settled for sitting in a car. My fingers tapped the door, veins bubbling underneath the surface. I slumped against the window, hitting my head.

“If she doesn’t know I’m here then why did she lie to me? If she thinks I’m not in the same country as her why would she need to lie about where she is?!” My own voice was hurting my ears but I couldn’t get any quieter. There was so much emotion that needed to come through.

“Taeyeon! I know what you’re thinking. Calm down, okay? Calm down, please, Tiffany must have a good reason to lie to you. Maybe…maybe that restaurant has other locations! Look it up on your phone,” Jessica tried handing me my phone but I shook my head. I already knew.

“I already checked. That was the only one and it doesn’t open up for 2 hours! If I ask her what the Hell she’s actually doing, she’s going to know I’m here and…I don’t even feel like I belong here anymore.” Isn’t home where the heart is? Where’s Tiffany? Where am I supposed to be?

“Taeng…” Jessica sounded pitiful and it was stressing me out beyond belief.

“I want to go home. I want to go home and forget this ever happened.” That seems like a good idea.

“Come on, don’t do this. She loves you, you know that don’t you?” she touched my hand and I groaned deeply. I realized my leg was shaking uncontrollably. I wanted that urge gone.

“Then where the is she?!”

“I don’t know. I’m sorry, I don’t know, Taeng! But please, don’t think any bad thoughts about her. Please don’t let that ruin you right now.” I took in a few deep breaths, but the knot was still there. In fact, I think it multiplied. I felt tight in my chest, my jaw, my toes. The feeling was everywhere.

“Sica. What is even happening right now?” I sighed, pulling my hair back. She was breathing deeply, like she just got back from a run. I was also breathing hard. Anger took up so much energy. I leaned back in my seat, the small of my spine aching. “Take me somewhere.”

“We’re not getting drunk right after breakfast. I’ll take you back to your hotel and I’m hanging around to make sure you don’t bust your wallet on alcohol,” she grumbled, kicking the engine on. I tried breathing with my hand over my mouth, but I wasn’t sure if I was trying to feel better or suffocate.

The car ride was silent, like an awkward silence from the beginning of our friendship or whenever we were too upset to speak with each other. I could see my thoughts running across my eyes, zipping by and giving me a headache. I wanted to cry. Why did she lie to me? Of course cheating was the first thing on my mind. We were in a long distance relationship, we weren’t intimate, we were butting heads about our plans for the future. It was a perfect set-up for either of us to cheat, but she had something else: solidarity. Tiffany was the only person I knew who lived in South Korea. There were no friends or family to tell me about how she was. She could get away with anything if she hid from paparazzi and it scared me to death.

I sat down on my bed and tapped my chin, trying to breathe normally. My stomach churned but I couldn’t bring myself to go to the bathroom. “Taeyeon.” I felt my jaw tighten. It was barely time for lunch and I was already so tired, so done with everything. I wanted to go home, back to the apartment I shared with Xiumin and Seunghyun, and I wanted to sleep. Gone were the desires to spend time with Tiffany. They left me so quickly. “Taeyeon.” Jessica squatted down in front of me and put her hand on my shoulder. “Look at me, stay with me, okay?” Why doesn’t Tiffany give me this attention? Why is Jessica comforting me when it should be Tiffany? I placed my hands over my eyes and took a deep, shaky breath. It’s my fault too.

“In an alternate universe, I could’ve auditioned with her. At least we’d be closer that way,” I muttered, remembering the way music used to be my life and how I wanted to make it my career. If I auditioned, would I have passed with her? Would we have gone to Korea together and still end up dating? Or would it be too hard to hide and we just stayed best friends? “Or maybe if we just had , it’d be easier to cope.”

“ isn’t everything,” Jessica sighed, sitting next to me. It’s not everything, but it’s definitely important. I sighed again and fell back. I stared at the ceiling and didn’t move when my feet started getting numb. Where’s Tiffany? Do I even want to know? What if she’s thinking about someone else, spending time with someone else? I closed my eyes and felt tears drip into my ears. I tried to wipe them away without Jessica noticing. She glanced at me but didn’t say anything.

“What am I going to do when I see her in June?” I mumbled, remembering that the next time Tiffany was supposed to visit was when my studies finished. How can I pretend that this trip never happened? How can I look her in the eyes and hear her say ‘I love you’ when I could only doubt? “What am I doing?” I gripped the sheets.

“If you can’t wait until then, text her or call her. Talk about this,” Jessica threw my phone on my stomach and I groaned.

“I can’t talk to her about this over the phone,” I insisted, staring at Tiffany’s face on my lock screen.

“Why not?” I bit my lips.

“It’s going to spiral into so much more when she knows I’m in Korea,” I mumbled. It’s part of the reason. I set my phone down and sat up. The rush temporarily blinded me but once my head eased up, I stood.

“Come on, Tiffany’s more mature than that. I’m sure she’d get it if she knew you were in Korea,” Jessica told me and I tapped my thigh. I wasn’t so sure about that and I didn’t want to take the chance, no matter how much I wanted to call Tiffany and scream and shout and cry. “Trust her.”

“You just don’t get it!” I snapped and the blonde blinked, eyes getting wide. “I love her and I trust her, but she’s so far…it’s so lonely. You know her, she’s the intimate and impatient type. It just makes sense for her to choose someone else.” Why would it be easier for her to choose someone else?

“Taeyeon…” I sat down on the floor and stared at my hands.

“It’s like everything I’m supposed to know as an adult vanishes when I’m even thinking about her…” Tiffany did things to me I couldn’t even hope to understand. I was a grown woman, extremely close to starting my residency as an emergency medicine physician, and yet when it came to my girlfriend I felt like a hopeless, rash, and immature teenager all over again. Before Jessica could break the silence, my phone buzzed on the bed. Jessica leaned over and looked at me.

“It’s Tiffany.” The sentence made my heart stop for a moment. “She texted you an address…” Another buzz. “And she wants you to meet her there.” . “! She knows you’re here! How is that possible?!” If she knows I’m here, she knows I got her lie. And she still wants to see me?

“What the Hell is she up to?” I placed the heel of my hand over my eye and sighed. The nerve of this girl. Did she want to confront me in person? Even if my worst fears were true or not, either way, we were going to get into an argument. Tiffany surely knew that, right?

“.” I looked up as Jessica buried herself nose deep into my phone, reading the messages my girlfriend was sending me.

“What?”

“! Someone got a picture of your wrist! Taeng! Your tattoo!”

She wants to meet me at her company’s building? I looked out of the window of the car, raking over the huge structure that represented idols, actors, comedians, and more. Her company was worth millions and this was its headquarters. “I’ll see you later, Jessica,” I sighed, making sure I had my wallet and phone on me.

“Just…make sure you guys are thinking, okay?” Jessica was scared for our relationship, especially right now, in a time of high tension. I fixed my collar, slightly brushing over my left wrist. I can’t believe I forgot to hide it, in Seoul, of all places. I checked online, the picture was from the backside so my face wasn’t shown but it was obvious what the tattoo was. Tiffany must’ve known I was in Korea because the picture captured a random person’s license plate.

“I’ll take a taxi back to the hotel, so don’t wait up,” I replied and the girl eventually hummed. I stepped out of the car and closed the door, heaving another sigh before making my way to the entrance. I noticed a few stray bodies walking near the entrance and even some in the bushes. Are these fans? Paparazzi? Either way, their presence only made me more anxious. I let out a breath and walked through the door, a sleek and modern lobby greeted me. It was very intimidating. Tell the receptionist you’re meeting Tiffany. I nodded, replaying the single instruction as I walked up to the desk. The woman sitting down looked up at me.

“Can I help you with something?” Her Korean was really fast, .

“I’m here to see Tiffany.” She stiffened and immediately got up from the desk, gesturing me to follow. Wow they’re serious. But Tiffany was in danger of being exposed to the public as someone in a relationship with a person of the same gender. I’m sure they aren’t this cautious and anxious with regular heteroual couples. I was led to the parking garage, towards the reserved sections saved for label mates and other staff. It hit me then. I was going to see Tiffany for the first time in over a year.

“Ms. Hwang is in her car, slot 80.” The white BMW was the only car with its lights on. She was definitely in there.

“Thank you,” I gently bowed to the woman before she left, leaving me alone with a slight hum in my ears. My feet started to move to the beat of my heart, only thinking and seeing the woman hidden by tinted windows. I missed you. I thought I was mad at her, but now, she could’ve been with 10 other people and I would still love her and want her.

I slipped into the passenger seat and stared at the glove compartment. My heart beat out of my chest as Tiffany put on her cap and zipped up her jacket. From the corner of my eye, I could tell she wasn’t looking at me either. I wasn’t sure what to do anymore. I loved her more than anything but that didn’t make our reality any less painful. It didn’t make our situation any more comfortable. “Tae…” I froze, arms and legs going rigid from the sound of her voice, unhindered by electronic devices and thousands of miles of water. It made my neck twitch and muscles melt. “Tae.” She took my hand and I looked up, surprised. I felt a lump clog up my throat when I saw her teary eyes, full of emotion. Oh my God. She threw off her belt and grabbed my face, crushing my mind as we kissed for the first time in months. We shouldn’t do this. My chest tingled and my hands reached for Tiffany, pulling her into my lap as she kissed deeper.

“Tiffany,” I sighed and she groaned a little.

“I missed you.” She kissed me, pulling on my coat and pressing up against me like a teenager. But I couldn’t deny the quake in my spine when she touched me.

“I missed you too.” You could’ve fallen in love with someone else and I would still want you.