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{32}

“So…you guys are done now?” I poked my phone, staring at it. My wallpaper was still Tiffany’s face. I should change it. “Taeng?” But what would I change it to? Who was as important to me as Tiffany? Who would give me the hope I felt when I saw her face? “Taeyeon!” I blinked. My phone showed me that I was still in a call with Jessica. Oh, right. She’s Tiffany’s best friend…

“Yeah?” I mumbled and sat up, grabbing for a pillow to hold because it started getting hard to contain my ache.

“You’ve really broken up? For real? Seriously?” I sighed. “I’m sorry, it’s just…it-it’s you guys.” I played with my fingers, holding the pillow even tighter. We were supposed to be the couple everyone in high school remembered, the couple that everyone wanted to be.

“It’s done, we’re done. I’m surprised she hasn’t called you yet,” I admitted softly. I wish this pillow was harder. I get no satisfaction from squeezing it.

“She’ll probably drag it out for a while and then drunk call me.” Man, I’d definitely drink if the alcohol here wasn’t so damn expensive. “Taeyeon, are you okay?”

“I want to go home,” I said and she hummed. “I just want to sleep in my own bed and try to ignore Xiumin and pray that Seunghyun comes back for a visit and have a couple beers with them.”

“I get it. If you don’t mind me asking…what happened? I mean, I know you guys argued but how did that escalate to breaking up?” I let out a deep breath and scratched my head. Everything felt like a blur, I could barely remember it myself.

“I don’t know, we were fighting and I kinda said some things and she got mad and said some more things. Then we were back to the whole “I want kids” versus “I want to sing” argument and…we were tired,” I muttered, burying my face into the pillow even more. “I made her choose.”

“Taeng…”

“I know I shouldn’t have, but I couldn’t stop myself. Anyway, we all knew that she loves her career more than me, I guess solidifying the fact just made it hurt a little more,” I muttered.

“Don’t be like that, you’re the one that made her choose and put her on the spot like that,” Jessica said, and I could visualize her crossing her arms, but I didn’t have the patience for her tone.

“If you’re going to side with her then why are you talking to me and not calling her to see how she’s doing?” I must’ve been in real pain.

“You know I’m not choosing sides; I’m just trying to understand your breakup a little better.” One day you might have to choose, though. I did wonder what would happen now that we were broken up. Would our mutual friends have to pick a side? Would her friends hate me? Would mine hate her? “I also know that she indirectly made you choose your dream future and herself.” Yeah, I guess we’re both at fault. We just gave up in the end, no one was at fault, but the guilt was still there. Maybe if I gave her more trust, maybe if I loved her a little more, maybe if I was okay not becoming a mother…

“Was this inevitable?” I wondered aloud. “Did you think that we’d breakup?” she paused for a moment and I felt my heart sinking a little bit.

“It was always a possibility with any couple, but I am genuinely shocked you guys split. I thought…you guys would get through it,” she insisted and I sighed. “I know you two love each other, but I understand that you guys agreed you want different things. I’m just glad it wasn’t messy.”

“I think it feels a little worse,” I confessed. “I’d rather be with her but we can’t be together…” I gripped my pillow a little tighter. “Like we’re back to back, but we can’t turn around and hug each other. That’s what this feels like…” She didn’t answer me for a while, but I could hear her breathing, so I knew she was still there.

“I’m sorry, Taeng.” I checked the time. I should get going.

“Don’t be, it’s not your fault,” I picked up my phone and took it off speaker mode. “I’ve gotta go, I need to catch a flight in a few hours.”

“Okay, I’ll talk to you soon, alright?” she said and I hummed.

“Later, Sica.”

“Bye Taeng.”

It was always weird to travel alone. People would look at you and wonder why you’re traveling if you had no one to share the experience with. They’d wonder if you were visiting family or on your way to look for a loved one. I came to Korea with a purpose, but was leaving without one. It didn’t help that Tiffany’s group was sponsoring a brand of handbags which happened to have a location directly in front of my gate. I can’t stop thinking about you. I stared at my knees. I hated how I was so in love with Tiffany, hated how I couldn’t stop drifting back to her. My eyes drifted down to my wrist and I pulled on my sleeve a little more.

I threw the blanket a little further up my body and leaned my hat down so the bill covered my face. I wanted to sleep a little, but all of a sudden I was self-conscious about my tattoo and kept fidgeting, no doubt disturbing the man next to me. I flicked my hat up and noticed a stewardess. I raised my hand and she noticed me, walking over. “Can I help you, Miss?”

“May I have a beer, please?” I bent down and grabbed a $10 bill. I sat up straight but found her staring at me.

“I’m going to need to see your ID.” Oh right. I smiled a little and handed her my driver’s license. She widened her eyes a little.

“I-I’m sorry, I thought you were at least 10 years younger,” she admitted and I laughed a little bit.

“It’s alright, Miss, I get that often,” she took my money and patted my shoulder. I was a little taken aback but composed myself.

“I’ll be right back with your drink and change,” she smiled and walked down the aisle. I could only breathe. I need that beer, badly. I wanted to drown, even if it was in alcohol. I just wanted to breathe a little easier and clear my head a little better. It was going to be a long flight home.

Being in one of the worst moods of my life, I couldn’t deny that attention made me feel good. I was a little tipsy and a little sad, so the stewardess was more than welcome to sit near me when everyone else was asleep. We were about 8 hours into the flight. “What do you do? Obviously, you know my occupation.”

“I’m still a student,” I shrugged and the woman smiled a little.

“Doing what? You’re on the older side when it comes to students, what are you studying?” she wondered and I adjusted my position so my back didn’t hurt as much.

“Medicine, I graduate in June,” I said and she clapped a little bit, making me smile some more. The image of Tiffany’s album suddenly flashed in my head and I reached toward my backpack, looking around for it.

“That’s cool, doctors are on top of that career food chain,” she noted and I chuckled. “So, what were you doing in Korea?” I froze up a little. “Family?” I pulled out the album, staring at Tiffany’s face. What am I doing? “Woah!” I jumped a little and she covered , shocked at what I was holding. “Is that the Tiffany solo album?! What the ! The doesn’t come out until July!” Ah, so it’s in July. “How do you have that?!”

“Um…I kind of know her,” I mumbled, unable to keep it hidden.

“You do? How?” I stared a little longer before looking up.

“She’s an old friend,” I smiled.

“Ah, so you were visiting her? Damn, that’s so cool. I want a celebrity friend.” No, it’s so hard, and you might fall for them. Just stay away from celebrities.

“It has its perks,” I shrugged and slipped the booklet into my bag.

“She’s pretty, huh?” I nodded, trying hard not to swoon. “What’s she like in person?” the woman wondered curiously and I leaned back. What can I say about Tiffany? My mind was still on her.

“Easy to love, easy to be around. She’s bright and mellow, and sweet and blunt. She can take a secret to her grave; she’s the kind of person you want to be liked by. Even after all these years in the business, she still has a leveled head.” Except when it comes to love, she’s lost and desperate and possessive when it comes to that. I rubbed my eyes and realized I was starting to feel pretty drained. Or is it because thinking about Tiffany and everything we’ve gone through hurts?

“You know her well, huh?”

“Yeah, I guess. We’re not that close anymore but…she’ll always be a great friend.” She’s only a friend, maybe not even. What did it mean now that we were broken up? Was she still a friend? Or would Tiffany never be able to look at me the same? Would I be able to look at her the same?

“You should get some sleep, there are only a few more hours left on this flight,” the stewardess stood and I hummed, lost in my thoughts.

Once passengers from my flight began filing out, I tried to look around for the stewardess who spent so much time with me, but couldn’t find her. Hm. Before I could leave the plane, I stood next to a different flight attendant. “Excuse me?” she turned. “Do you think you can give this to the woman who was serving me? I was in 28C.” Sure flight attendants got to travel for a living, but that didn’t mean they were paid extremely well, right?

“Sure, the one you spoke with?” I burned a little bit, but managed a nod.

“Thanks,” I said and finally got off the plane, feeling a little colder thanks to the early flight. In the back of my head, I remembered that it was Christmas Eve.

I walked around, lugging my suitcase as I looked around for my car. I drove myself to the airport. At the moment, I was grumpy that Xiumin refused to drive, but now, I was glad that he turned me down. He didn’t know I was coming back earlier than expected. He didn’t know about my new relationship status either. Talking to him about it seemed realer than talking about it with Jessica. I didn’t have to look at her in the eyes. I sighed and dumped my things into my car, slipping into the driver’s seat. I stared for a long time at my tinted windows before starting the engine.

A part of me was expecting my roommate to be sitting on the couch, but I didn’t want to face him. Yet, when I opened the door to an empty apartment, I felt a crack. I guess he’s out. I pushed my luggage into my room, grabbed a beer, and fell on the couch. I held my bottle and ended up staring at my tattoo. Now what? For the first time in years, I wasn’t waiting on Tiffany to call or text. I was free from that anxiety, but so lost in my emotions. I could only lay in the silence and the break, slowly crying to myself. It was supposed to be mutual, it was mutual. But it didn’t help. I wondered if Tiffany ever sincerely wanted what I did, if I ever wanted what she did. Was she as invested as I was? Was I as invested as her? I wasn’t sure if I’d ever find out anymore. “Taeyeon…?” I choked back a sob and felt a warm presence rush to my side. “Oh my God, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” Xiumin propped me up and I tried to hide but couldn’t.

“Xiu? Why’d you run in? I thought you were hungover.” was Seunghyun here too? “Taeng!” I was pulled to one side and held between both. I was too vulnerable to hide. There were too many tears to hide. “Taeng…how are you feeling?” I never thought I’d ever need to say it.

“Zesty…” But they held me tighter and I knew I didn’t have to hide.