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{33}

I filled up my mug with another glass of coffee, nervously eyeing my friends at the dining table. It was hard to take in. They were shocked and speechless, but I knew it wasn’t the most pressing emotion at the moment. “Are you going into the hospital today?”

“Yeah, I called the doctor and he said it was fine.” Seunghyun’s eyes darted over to me before he sighed and pushed his bowl of cereal to the side. It was tense between the three of us. I wasn’t sure why, it wasn’t like the three of us broke up or something, but it was awkward. “How long are you staying?”

“For the break. Xiumin told me you would be gone for the first week so I wanted to surprise you when you came back…” But you came back early. I hummed and sat down at the table, playing with the handle on my mug. Xiumin hadn’t said much ever since I told them that Tiffany and I broke up a few days before. It was unsettling. I wasn’t sure what he was thinking. Xiumin was one of the closest friends I had which meant that he and Tiffany were on very good terms. It was to the point where I wasn’t sure if Xiumin was classified as “my friend” or “our friend”. Could he be mad at me?

“I should head out now. My shift starts in an hour,” I mumbled and set my cup in the sink.

“Taeng?” I looked up at the sound of Xiumin’s voice. It was even a little deeper due to the lack of use.

“Yeah?”

“Your separation…it wasn’t because of what Wooyoung and I said…was it?” Is he feeling guilty? My first instinct was to blame him and that bothered me. It wasn’t his fault, but at the same time, it was unsettling at the time to hear him say those things about our relationship and have it end like this. I wanted to put the blame on him and Wooyoung, the two people who openly expressed their doubts about my relationship, but I couldn’t. I always doubted Tiffany, it wasn’t their fault for pointing that out.

“No, don’t worry about it, Xiu. I just realized that you were probably right. Tiffany’s girlfriend material, but she’s not wife material.” It was true but it still ached to say out loud.

I settled down in a chair and groaned, listening to some colleagues exchanging Christmas stories with each other. I was not in the mood to think about my Christmas, but I couldn’t escape it when the holiday was only a couple of days ago. I stared at the ceiling and spun around a little bit. What do I do now? Did I still want to go through with my fast-paced studies, or could I put it on hold for another quarter to take a break from everything? I’ve come so far; I can’t just take a break from it. No, I had to work. I needed to work, it was the only thing motivating me.

Breaking up with Tiffany was so much more than emotionally compromising. My future revolved around her and the family I desperately craved. Did I ask for too much? Are children too much to ask for? I wasn’t sure. Getting married and having kids in my family was almost as much of a certainty as death was. Now, all I could think about was the woman I loved for almost 15 years of my life, and the nonexistent baby I had given her up for.

“Taeyeon?” Oh God. Why am I out drinking during the day when I have to get back to work in a half hour? “Did you drink all of this?!”

“Can she hold her liquor? Doctor, how many fingers am I holding up?” I blinked as seven fingers appeared in front of my face. Jieun and Jackson stood by my sides, expecting an answer to the number of fingers. Aren’t they only 19?

“What are you kids doing in a bar?”

“Taeyeon, this is a restaurant that happens to have a bar. Are you seriously drunk? You’re still wearing your scrubs…” Jieun raised an eyebrow at me. I sighed and shook my head. I hurt Tiffany because of a stupid lie I never meant. Did I ever think about cheating on her, even if for a split second? Was it about you?

“I broke up with Tiffany.” The two teens swayed a little before balancing out in front of me with wide eyes. “I’m so done with her, why did I ever love her?”

“You don’t mean that.”

“I’m so dumb, I should’ve given up. Love is so damn stupid. She’s stupid. I’m stupid,” I slumped my face into my hands and noticed Jackson turning to Jieun.  

“I’ll get her sober. Wait for us outside?” I miss Tiffany. I miss being sweet and cheesy.

“Sure thing, Ji.” He patted my back and then it was just Jieun and I. She sat down and ordered coffee.

“Did you ever know that I had a crush on you?” she asked and I laid my head on the table, trying to cool down my cheeks. “It’s still kind of there, to be honest.”

“Maybe…don’t know,” I mumbled to myself and she smiled. It was a very cute smile.

“The last time I talked to you, I told you that you were inspiring didn’t I? You’re very inspirational, I had no passion before I met you and I’m thankful that we met. Even if it was because me and my friends were being outrageously dumb. You’re charming and intellectual, when I found out you had a girlfriend, I couldn’t deny that she was lucky.” A cup was placed in front of my eyes and Jieun poked my shoulder. “Drink some.” Ew, coffee. But I drank. “I knew you were taken but I still fell for you. That was really stupid of me, thinking that because your girlfriend wasn’t around, something could still happen between us. I admit that I’m still kind of hung up on you.” This coffee makes my head hurt. “But I realized that even if you did like me, it wouldn’t work out between us. Our lives are totally different, our priorities don’t match, and I’m way too young for you, even if it’s legal. Not to mention, it’s obvious that Tiffany’s the one you want.” I managed to look at her and maintain eye contact. Her eyes no longer darted around, they seemed very focused. “I don’t know much about you and Tiffany, but when you thought about her, your face read total bliss. She makes you happy. Don’t throw that away just because things didn’t work out between you two, okay?” I could never remain just friends with Tiffany, that much I knew, but I nodded because Jieun was looking expectantly at me. I’m getting schooled on life by a 19 year-old. “Let’s get you back to the hospital.”

I stared at my phone, reading through articles and staring at pictures of Tiffany. Her company was releasing more and more teasers of her solo project and she was showing up on a lot of TV programs. I wanted to see her smile again so much. Did she smile at all the last time I saw her? I couldn’t even remember what it felt like to see her smile. When we were young, my heart used to collapse every time your eyes curved. I turned off my phone and smiled a little bit. Those were good times. “Taeng?”

“Mm?” Seunghyun and Xiumin slipped in, jumping on my bed with a couple packs of beer.

“Don’t sit on me!” I coughed and they laughed, rolling around.

“Come on, one for old times’ sake?” Seunghyun twisted the cap off of one and I took it with a sigh. Immediately, I was brought back to that one night where Xiumin and Wooyoung came to my room with beer. That night, it had only been days when I met Jieun and Tiffany and I were still okay. She called me and asked if I was drinking because she could just tell from the way I talked.

“My liver’s going to kill me later,” I mumbled, taking a swig.

“Yeah, you were kind of wasted when I came to pick you up,” Xiumin chuckled and I groaned.

“Don’t worry, it’s normal,” Seunghyun insisted, his voice echoing inside the little bottle of beer. “Don’t take this the wrong way, Taeng, but I’m kind of jealous of you still.”

“Why?” I muttered.

“Because, for a long time, you felt that Tiffany was the one for you,” he looked at me and I blinked. “You don’t know how badly some people want to feel that, even if only for a minute. I know I shouldn’t say that, but you wanted her for your future and I want to know like you did.”

“I’m kind of jealous of you guys too,” I confessed, playing with the label on my bottle. “I’ve only, truly, been with one person. Those girls and guys in between don’t count. I’ve only loved Tiffany. I can’t even remember what it’s like to experience falling in love…”

“You didn’t fall in love with Tiffany every day, like those books said?” Xiumin teased and I could only smile. I wish.

“I know I love her but no, I didn’t feel that every day. Maybe in the beginning I did, I don’t know, maybe our love kind of faded,” I finished up one bottle and set it on the ground, reaching for another. “I was all talk, saying the I said. I couldn’t even change her mind on marriage.”

“She’s strong-willed, that wasn’t your fault,” Xiumin shook his head but I could still feel the regret. It hugged my bones and held on for dear life. “I miss high school during days like this. Where it’s a little lonely and we’re a little nostalgic…”

“Mm, but come on, we wouldn’t be able to get this beer if we were still in high school,” Seunghyun clinked his glass with mine and I smiled. “Remember Donghae? I heard he’s got a couple ladies back home trying to say he’s their baby daddy.” I almost choked.

“Serves him right! He’s been out and about too many times to not get a girl pregnant!” Xiumin smirked and I rolled my eyes. Tiffany dated him a while back, after I told her I was in love with her.

“And remember Nichkhun? I’ve seen him around town when I’m back at home, he’s doing a Hell of a good job in real estate.” Tiffany used to have the biggest crush on that guy.

“Interesting for a guy that couldn’t get himself together, making life changing decisions for strangers,” I noted and Xiumin laughed.

“He was a wreck! He almost snapped at me once but someone happened to mention my weapons’ training.”

“You were going to kill him if I didn’t step in! I know everyone’s like “dude, if you murder someone, call me and I’ll help”, but there was no way in Hell I was gonna bury that guy,” Seunghyun set down a bottle and picked up another. “Oh! But you know something? That one time we were at Disneyland, there was this one guy who wouldn’t stop drooling all over the girls in our band. And what was worse was that he was at least 30 at the time and still fantasizing about high school girls. I really wanted to just ditch that ride.”

“Man, you guys are lucky that you can play an instrument. You get to go on cool trips and hang out with your friends all the time with a legitimate excuse,” Xiumin mumbled, grabbing his second bottle. It’d been a long time since I remembered all the memories I made in high school. It felt good though. High school was frustrating and hectic, but it was fun and memorable. I was still a long way away from thinking about marriage and having my own family. Seunghyun and Xiumin continued sitting with me on my bed, reminiscing in the days over a decade ago. If only you were sitting with us.