____

{35}

“Tae, Baby, stop moving.” A hand gently moved over my chest, touching my collar, and slipped into the nook of my shoulder. You’re the one on top of me. I grumbled and adjusted myself, looping my arms around a slim waist. “Mm.” A low hum tickled my skin and I frowned. My head started to pound a little harder and I opened my eyes. Ow, . “I haven’t seen you hungover in more than a year.” I sighed as I got a little peck on the lips. “I love you.” I love you. Tiffany! Her face suddenly blew up in front of my eyes.

“T-Tiffany!” Tousled hair, red lips, and a little bruise peeked out from under the collar from the shirt she wore. She was so beautiful, but I was once again reminded that this gorgeous woman was no longer my own. “W-we, oh my God, why are you here?!” I grimaced a little as I realized my sweater was the only thing I had on. How did she do this to me? I thought I was finally getting myself back together, slowly but surely. I went out to a bar last night. Even if I couldn’t stand it, the experience was fun for the first couple of hours. Now, I felt so impulsive. My attention revolved around her and only her.

“I’m sorry,” she kissed me and my heart thumped. “I miss you.”

“Tiffany…” I tried to make it clear to her that we were done, our relationship was over, but she pulled me close again and my headache started to ease and I had trouble accessing my conscience.

“It was too fast, all I remember was us fighting and having . Then you left. Do you know how painful it is to watch you leave?” she smoothed her hand over my back, resting her head on my shoulder. I sighed. It was so much more difficult to stand against her the second time. “I couldn’t resist coming back.”

“You’re just making it harder for us. You can’t just stop all contact with me and then show up at my door while I’m wasted and down to ,” I grumbled and she tugged on my hair a little harder.

“So what? Any girl could’ve knocked and you would’ve ed them all the same?” No.

“Maybe.” Her fingers slipped higher and a gasp tore from my throat. .

“I love you,” she whispered. I was so close to changing my mind. I shook my head. “I just can’t, we have to hate each other, we have to burn the bridge, we can’t just leave it.”

“Tiffany,” I pushed her away, painfully tearing her off my body. “Why can’t we just leave it alone? Have the strength to walk away.”

“You know I don’t, I’m selfish,” she mumbled, pressing against me.

“At least you know that,” I smiled a little. Tiffany poked my dimple and my smile got a bit bigger. No matter how much I tried to deny it, I wasn’t over her. She still made my heart flutter and my mind wander.

“It’s been forever since I’ve seen you smile. I miss it. I miss seeing you and hearing your voice,” her arms circled my waist and her fingers drew shapes on my back. Come on, push her away. You already had , what more do you want?

“Tiffany.”

“Why did you let me stay? Why do you still smile and kiss me?” she cut me off. Why can’t she get it? Why does she have to make this harder on everybody? I shook my head, trying to regain my senses.

“I’m not over you, that’s why. I still miss you and I still want you, but I’m trying to keep my distance because it’s not going to work out in the end,” I pushed her away.

“But I’m always going to think about you. There’s too much history between us, you’re not just my lover, you’re my high school experience, my trainee days, my celebrity life. How can I just let you go?”

“You can’t give me what I want.”

“I can learn; I promise I can learn.”

“No, you can’t. And I’m trying to accept that too. I don’t want to change you or force you to do something you never wanted to do. I can’t give you what you want either. I want you to leave Korea, I want you home, and not in ten or so years. I want you back in two years, three max. You can’t do that, you love being an idol too much, you love singing too much.” She loves it more than me. I had to accept that.

“Why can’t we try again? I’ll try harder, I’ll show you I love you more.” Her hands trembled, she was so shaky. “I love you a lot, TaeTae.”

“We did try. We tried for over 6 years, you realize that right? Your stance has only changed twice. The first was when we argued about it, the second is because we’re here now, not belonging to each other. Come on Tiffany, think! You told me you couldn’t do it, that you couldn’t become the woman I wanted, you said it yourself,” I reminded, looking around for my sweatpants. I could only hear my own breathing, it was mostly because I was starting to get riled up, but Tiffany didn’t say anything until I found my pants.

“So now what?” She sat against the wall and curled her legs up. It was like she was straight out of a photoshoot. I fell down beside her and stared at my desk.

“We move on, fall in love with other people, try to mend our friendship,” I sighed, not resisting the fingers that interlocked with mine. Move on, fall in love, mend our friendship? I don’t even know when I can move on from her.

“Do you think we can do that?” she asked, pulling the blanket over her bare legs with her unoccupied hand.

“We have to,” I played with her fingers. Why are they so soft? “It’ll happen one day.” I glanced down and saw our tattoos brushing against each other.

“What do we do with these?” Tiffany traced my circle and the Minnie Mouse silhouette on my wrist, giving me goose bumps.

“Keep them. It’s a part of us now,” I mumbled and lifted my chin as she snuggled her head under it. Before I could stop myself, I kissed her head.

“I’m afraid my depression will come back. Can I still text and call? You were the only one who could really keep it in control.”

“Before my girlfriend, you will always be my best friend,” I insisted, squeezing her hand. “But no more surprise visits, I’m starting to see a trend here…” Tiffany giggled a little bit. My heart almost stopped.

“Two instances aren’t enough, maybe I should show up a third time to see what happens,” she straddled me, cupping my face before kissing my lips. . I bit on my lip.

“Tiffany, didn’t we talk about this?” I hummed, fidgeting as her lips traveled even lower.

“We’re not in relationships, we’re two consenting adults, nothing’s wrong.” Yeah, there’s nothing wrong about what’s going on here. But I knew it was wrong in its own way. “Unless you don’t want it…”

“I want it,” I mumbled. I felt her smile on my jaw. How can she melt me so easily? But it was fine, right? We were single and old enough, we could have if we wanted to, right?

____

“Fany-ah, really, no more,” I turned away and pulled up the sheets, hiding my body from her lingering kisses. She whined a little. She’s so cute. “You already knocked the hangover out of me.”

“Mm, but I still want more,” she groaned. Her voice was hoarse and her fingers felt dreary. She was tired and I was tired, so how was it possible that we wanted more?

“No, you already pushed it too far the second time,” I sat up, rubbing the burn out of my eyes. “Ugh, what’s wrong with you and your drive?”

“I just got a taste of you, don’t expect me to be content with what I have,” she slid closer to me, throwing an arm over my hips. “Lay back down.”

“Don’t you want to get out of bed and brush your teeth or something?” I grumbled, fighting the tiny desire of staying in bed with Tiffany. Letting her get to me was already more than enough, I couldn’t do anything more or else I’d be stuck on her forever.

“I haven’t stayed in bed this long for years, don’t make me get up.” I picked my sweater from off the floor and slipped it on. I tossed Tiffany her shirt. “When you have you don’t put on clothes.”

“No more ,” I sighed, lying back down so the other girl was content. “You have to leave soon anyway. I bet your company freaked out when you left.”

“I haven’t told them we broke up.” I snapped to look at her. Her eyes were closed so she couldn’t meet my gaze. “Only my members know…they came home fast after you left that day.”

“Why haven’t you told the rest of your company?” They will be thrilled.

“Because telling them would make our breakup…real,” she murmured. I stared at my ceiling instead of her. “They’ll be so happy; I don’t want to see that. I don’t want them to be happy over something that’s breaking me on the inside.” We behaved too much like a couple. I had to keep reminding myself that I wasn’t in that kind of relationship with Tiffany anymore. I had to remind myself that I couldn’t look at her that way anymore.

“You should soon. When you make your solo debut, you’ll get a lot of those kinds of questions. The company should know that they don’t have to get a heart attack every time someone asks you about dating,” I shifted, putting my hands behind my head.

“Yeah…” she trailed off, playing with the collar of my sweater. I closed my eyes and laid like that, trying to keep thoughts of status and life out of my head. I just wanted to lay with Tiffany, letting us have a few moments of intimacy that wasn’t ual.

“Taeyeon why are your papers all over – oh my God! ! Warn a brother, would you?!”

“! Xiumin get out of here!” Tiffany squealed and pulled the blanket over her head while I made a quick grab of my pants.

“Dammit Taeng! What happened to the rules?!” Oh my God, I forgot to text them. I was so drunk and tired, the thought slipped my mind. “Is that Tiffany?” I wasn’t sure how he’d take the truth. “What is she doing here? Oh my God are you two hooking up?!”

“Leave!” I threw a pillow at my roommate and he dodged, shutting the door with a shout. , now he’s going to tell Seunghyun and they’re right outside that damn door. I brushed my hair back and let out a deep breath. A hand gently rubbed my back. “I think you need to leave.”

“I-I know…” Tiffany mumbled. She stood up and got dressed as I stared at the ground. Xiumin’s reaction only intensified the inexplicable feelings I had. No more, promise me, no more giving into Tiffany. “Tae, walk me out?” she didn’t want to confront them alone and I understood that. I stood up and let out a deep breath.

“They don’t hate you.”

“But they don’t like me.” That’s probably true. She gripped the hem of my sweater as I opened the door. As I expected, my friends were in the living room with coffee in their hands. They looked over as I led Tiffany out. “H-hey guys…” she mumbled and Seunghyun sighed deeply. Neither said anything as I brought Tiffany to the door, ready to let go of her for a second time. “What should I say now?”

“I don’t know. But please, no more surprise visits. Call me, text me, but I don’t know what I’m gonna do if I see you again. The last thing I want is more time to come to terms with our breakup,” I told her and she hummed. She leaned against me and squeezed me tightly. I held her back.

“I still love you.” I still love you too.

“I know.” Please know that. I kissed her, trying to ease along the line of too long and too short. She let out little breaths, pulling me closer for another kiss. “No more.”

“One more,” she bargained, kissing me. I sighed and she let go after an eternity. “Last chance, Tae.”

“No.” My voice cracked. “We can’t,” I breathed and she hummed, staring at our feet. “Go back.”

“Bye Tae,” she kissed my hand and I kissed hers, letting a familiar pain consume me as she walked out of my apartment. I guess that’s how she felt. I let out a deep sigh and felt my knees crumple, bringing me to the ground.

“Taeyeon!” It’s so exhausting being with her. How could I do this before?

“She came over last night. I drank wine and it was 1:30, I’m sorry I didn’t warn you,” I pushed my hair back and groaned. “Why did she have to do this to me? Why can’t she just leave me alone?”

“Hell if I know, Taeng. Come on, stand up,” Seunghyun pulled me to my feet and I massaged my forehead. My entire body was aching.

“I’m so damn tired.”