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“How was Japan?” I mumbled, rubbing sleep out of my eyes. I squinted to find the time. I couldn’t read it. All I knew was that it was early.

“It was so great! My Japanese isn’t that awesome, but I can manage some sentences so I was really proud of that.” I smiled a little bit. At least she had some fun. “And the Japanese fans are so nice. I have lots of stuff from them, even a few couple things so I can share with you.”

“Why couple stuff?” Why would they give her that stuff if she’s never revealed our relationship? It was irrational of me to fear, but I could feel the spark of insecurity in my chest.

“Mm, for me and Amy. I told her to say that her favorite color was blue so we can use the stuff instead.” What? I sat up a little bit, feeling something gnaw in my brain.

“Why are they getting you and Amy couple stuff?” I grumbled and she laughed a little bit.

“Fans will be fans, Babe. We both speak English and we’re about the same age regarding training years. Besides, you’ve talked to her before, you know there’s nothing to be jealous over.” I huffed. She’s right. Why am I jealous? Amy is just a friend, she knows about me, and doesn’t seem too interested in other girls. “Enough about me, what about you? When are you flying over to your aunt’s?”

“Oh, I’m not going this year,” I mumbled, playing with my blanket.

“You aren’t gonna go home for the holidays?”

“Well, you’re not gonna be there so I don’t really see a point in going over there for Christmas,” I told Tiffany, making her sigh deeply. With winter break coming up, I decided against traveling. I didn’t think I could afford it and I wanted some quality alone time now that I was rooming with others. “You know I’m kidding right?”

“I know, but you don’t spend much time with your family. And you’ve been going there every year; won’t it feel strange to miss out?” she wondered groggily, making me smile a little. Her voice was really endearing when she was sleepy.

“It will be. I miss them a lot but I live with Xiumin and Seunghyun now. Both of them are gonna be home over the break and I should keep the place in order,” I let out a deep breath with the thought. “Besides, the aunt I always stay with just retired and is going back to Korea for like a three-month trip so I have no place to sleep since everyone else over there is too packed to deal with me.”

“You know they’d make room for you, you’re family,” she reminded and I hummed.

“I just don’t wanna bother them, I can deal with staying here anyway,” I insisted and she yawned. “Tired?”

“Yeah, but we’ve only been talking for…two hours,” she mumbled and I chuckled.

“It’s long enough, you can’t afford to speak to me the way you used to,” I assured. “Get some sleep, Love, you said you had some photo shoots tomorrow.”

“Okay…I’ll talk to you soon,” she mumbled.

“Take pretty pictures, Hun, love you,” I sighed.

“Love you too,” she whispered and we hung up. I tossed my phone on the other side of the bed and looked up at the ceiling. Damn, what have I become? She was still on my mind, the weight of my heart breaking my chest.

“Are you done with your phone ?” Xiumin sat beside me, pulling my blanket over himself. I punched him in the gut. “!”

“Even if, we’re too tired for that,” I rubbed my eyes. I just woke up, but I already wanted to crawl back into bed. He hummed into the sheets and I let him lay with me even though my bed was already too small for myself.

“Have you guys…actually…?” He was curious and we were close. I saw no harm.

“No,” I replied and he sat up, eyes bugging out. “Close, but never all the way.”

“What?! You’ve had before Tiffany though, right? Right?!” he freaked out it if took me more than a second to answer. I sighed, trying to rack my brain.

“Yeah, in our undergrad years. Do you remember that girl, Isa?” I looked over at him and he slapped my arm.

“That girl was gorgeous!” he shouted and I smiled a little. Isa Lee, a junior when we were freshmen. Xiumin slipped me next to her, somehow, and the older girl integrated us into college life. It was amazing, because whenever I thought of Tiffany, Isa showed up and dragged me and Xiumin somewhere. She was really pretty, that was probably why I was so willing to be with her.

“Isa was the one I gave my ity to, it was before she graduated. And you know, Tiffany was off doing her thing and she didn’t talk to me about what she wanted. Then you know, she gets really flirty…so I let it happen.” I could remember the night Isa showed up alone. She was very straightforward, telling me what she wanted, why she wanted it, and why I should as well. I couldn’t deny it and had no reason to.

“Have you told Tiffany about her?” Xiumin wondered after a bit of silence and I hummed.

“I told her about Isa and the others, she told me about hers too so I guess we’re even.” We’ve both been intimate with other people. It was a strange thought. Knowing she wasn’t inexperienced eased my guilt, but jealousy wasn’t supposed to come out. A part of me definitely wanted to be Tiffany’s first, but our relationship didn’t allow it. Maybe that’s why I’m so cautious to be intimate with her.

“I kinda miss Tiff…” he admitted and I hummed, rolling around while trying not to kick my friend. Yeah I miss her terribly. Even now, just after we finished a two-hour long conversation, I tossed my phone in between my fingers. I wanted to hear her voice again. “I can’t imagine how you feel.”

“Yeah, I want her back,” I sighed, smiling bitterly. I let out a deep breath. “It’s like…a part of me is missing and was replaced with lead.”

“You said she won’t visit for another 6 or so months?” I nodded. “Well, why don’t you visit her instead?” I shook my head.

“It’s harder to visit her in Korea. People are watching her more closely, she shares a dorm with her members, she’s busy right now. I can’t just jump the gun and go over there.” I desperately wanted to think that I could also visit Tiffany, but it wasn’t the smartest decision. She just got back to Korea, wrapped up in recordings and photo shoots regarding her group, fashion, along with other things.

“But she’s not promoting anymore, she’s just doing side stuff, right? It doesn’t mean that you’ll be going to all her events with her either, she can just hang out with you at a hotel or something.” It sounded very nice. I wanted to be with Tiffany, I didn’t care for how long or where, but I wanted to hold her again. I wanted to hear her voice, feel the sound waves tremble in my bones. I was very desperate for my girlfriend, but I reminded myself that she was doing what she loved and going to her would cause problems.

“I want to,” I sat up and slipped out of bed, stretching my arms. “I wanna see her so bad, blowing some money and heading to Korea sounds like a fantastic idea.” I pulled Xiumin out of bed with a groan and fixed my blanket. I forgot what it was like to be away from Tiffany. It used to be easier than this. But, back when we weren’t in a relationship, I had other girls to fall in bed with. They steered my focus away.

“If she really loves you, she’d be glad to see you.” I frowned.

“Don’t say that,” I mumbled. I need something in me. I moved to the kitchen, softening my steps when the pictures on the wall shook.

“Isn’t it true? She’s missing you too, isn’t she? Come on, let’s go to Korea, both of us.” I shook my head as I poured out cereal, rummaging our fridge for milk. “It’ll be fun! I’ll keep you company when Tiff’s not around and ditch when you guys get gross.”

“Xiu, don’t say that,” I mumbled, feeling more embarrassed than upset. “I shouldn’t have told you about it, I knew you were gonna tease.”

“Too late now,” he grinned and I sighed. I handed him a spoon and he dug in. Traveling outside the country with someone who isn’t related to me?

“And no offense, but if I was going to Korea, I’d probably go alone,” I noted and he swallowed.

“So go alone then. You wanna know why I’m so pushy this year?” I hummed for him to continue. “Because you’re the person that’s supposed to leave during the winter, not Seunghyun, you are,” he pointed. I blinked and ate some more. “You’re not going home because Tiffany won’t be there, so go to her. If you really want to hold onto her then make an effort. If you want to keep her close, then get close. Eventually people will hear about you if Tiffany really wants to stick with this career, she can’t hide it forever, especially if you guys get married.”

With my heart thrashing under my ribs, I sat down on the grass and dropped on my back. My breath fogged up the air, frostiness dusting on my cheeks. The sky was very dark, stars lighting up my eyes even more than usual. It was weird, how right now while I stared at the stars, Tiffany might not even be awake. Or if she was awake, she might be able to even look up at the sky. I sighed again. This bites. “Hey Taeyeon!” I blinked and Jieun loomed over me, hair in my face. I was about to ask her what she was doing away from home, but now she was in college, she was an adult. She could go out on her own if she wanted to.

“Hey Jieun, what are you doing out here?” I wondered, grunting as I sat up to sit with her.

“You run at night for training and to relieve stress, I thought it’d be fun to try it out,” she shrugged and I hummed, my heart coming to a slow pump. The young girl glanced at me, up and down. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I was just thinking about my girlfriend,” I replied and she nodded. I wonder if it bothers her if I talk about Tiffany. But my lover was a part of me, whether she liked it or not.

“Are you guys okay?” she asked. Maybe she’s a little more mature than I thought.

“Mm, I think so. Long distance just hurts, I don’t know if I can wait six more months,” I patted my chest, as if it would ease the ache. I pressed my hands to my face. To be honest, I didn’t want to see Jieun. Whenever she was around, I was afraid of hurting her and of leading her on. I didn’t want to deal with another person’s feelings when I couldn’t even handle my own, but I wanted to just talk.

“You guys have done this before, haven’t you?” she asked, bringing her knees up.

“Yeah, when we were younger, but after we established a schedule…it’s hard to let go of it,” I leaned back on my hands, trying to imagine the grass in between my fingers as Tiffany’s hair. Is it black the way I like? Is it red the way she likes? I wasn’t even sure what color her hair was anymore. It just made my head hurt. I looked back at the other girl. “How’ve you been doing? I’ve been pretty swamped at the hospital.”

“It’s okay but I’m not sure how long I’m going to keep volunteering.” I was kind of surprised. “I don’t think I have time for it right now.”

“That’s fine, it’s always better to think about if you’re capable of something before making the commitment,” I mumbled. At least, if she does leave, I won’t have to worry about running into her.

“But I think I’ve decided the major I want to stick with,” she smiled and it was a little infectious, so I smiled back.

“That’s good, I know you struggled with it for a while, so I’m happy that your future is becoming clearer.” Being told that I would become a doctor and following that path at a very young age made me curious: what did people do when they’re weren’t told? What kind of aspirations did they have? What did they do if they had no passion? It must’ve been quite hard for her.

“Yeah, you’re quite the inspiration.” I wasn’t expecting to hear that.

“What?” I laughed and she smiled even more at me. It reminded me of how young she was. “Are you going into medicine?”

“I hope so.” I rubbed my lips. I wasn’t sure what to make of this, but something was kind of off.

“Jieun—.”

“You’re really driven and passionate about what you do and how you do it. Your girlfriend is really lucky.” I tried finding out what was different about her, but I was fine not knowing.

“Thanks.”

I set my laptop on the ground and threw an arm over my eyes. I let out a deep breath. Everything was so dumb, so stupid, but I had to see Tiffany again. My resolve cracked after my talk with Jieun and I already booked the flight and hotel before I could stop myself. Wait for me, Tiffany.