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{17}

What time is it? I feel so groggy. I squinted as the sun shone through the blinds and checked the clock. Oh my God, I’m late for my run! I jumbled out of bed and collapsed on the floor, groaning. Wait, where am I? Wait, I’m on vacation. I sat up and rubbed my face. “Holy I haven’t woken up this late since God knows when,” I hit my face and stood up, stumbling around a little. I managed to find the bathroom and brushed my teeth. What happened last night? Had a couple drinks, then went to sleep. Gosh, that Highland was so good. I sighed and walked out of the room, quietly going down the steps. Of course, everyone else’s asleep. I decided to make coffee, since I knew everyone else drank caffeine, and took an apple from the pantry to wake me up. What else should I get? First one up makes breakfast for all…

“Of course you’re up,” I looked up and saw Wooyoung carefully coming down the stairs, ruffing up his hair. Air force must make him an early riser.

“Back at you, wanna help me with breakfast?” I asked and poured him a mug of coffee, adding a packet of sugar to it.

“Sure, Seunghyun bought flour so…pancakes?” Wooyoung suggested, sipping his coffee and I smiled as he pulled out the sack. After making the batter with some eggs and milk, I started frying up some bacon while Wooyoung ladled the pancake mix into another pan. By the time bacon was in the air, the rest of the guys crawled out of bed one by one.

“Gosh, Mama, this breakfast is so American,” Baekhyun sighed, dumping in cream and sugar into his coffee.

“You want the bacon or nah? I can put it away you know,” I reminded and Jiyong slid over, taking the plate from my hands.

“We want it!” he insisted and set it down at the table while I placed the dirty pans into the sink.

“Taeyeon! Come eat!” Jonghyun called out and I hummed, walking over to the table and snatched a couple of pancakes for myself.

“Woo, these pancakes are super round they’re adorable,” Seunghyun noted, holding up one perfect and fluffy circle. “You must be a master with pancakes.”

“I cook breakfast a lot of times at the base,” Wooyoung said with a bite of bacon.

“To be honest, I can’t tell you guys the last time I had bacon. Too many travels,” Baekhyun sighed deeply.

“Oh I’m sorry you’re exploring the world, eating awesome food, and getting a tan!” Jiyong scoffed and Baekhyun smirked. “Oh! And touching sharks! Like what the Hell man! Don’t eat bacon!”

“Hey, you want me to be happy and have a successful career or not?” he raised his hands in defense.

“What are we even doing today? Gambling isn’t until after dinner,” I said, trying to bring attention away from arguments.

“I don’t know, would you hate it if you were my wing-woman?” Seunghyun grinned and I rolled my eyes.

“Well, the notion of Tae being the only one in a relationship is still holding strong till this day,” Jonghyun laughed. I was on the fence about none of them having partners or relationships, like, I didn’t expect it, but I wasn’t surprised either.

“Gosh guys, get married or something already,” I sighed jokingly.

“Please! We should be telling you that!” Wooyoung pushed me and I smiled a little bit.

“Where is Tiffany now? You said she was on an Asia tour.”

“She landed in the Philippines about 5 hours ago,” I shrugged. “Lots of preparation for the concert and everything so I can’t talk much to her during her tours…”

“Man, it must be incredible to date a popular entertainer,” Seunghyun sighed deeply and I shrugged again, but only a little.

“It’s great she’s famous and everything, I’m happy for her, but you know…sometimes I feel like it’s all she ever is; a K-pop star. I don’t get a lot of time to see her as she is,” I pouted and Wooyoung patted my head. “I don’t get a lot of time to see her in general…”

“No!” Jiyong slammed his hands on the table and we all jumped at the suddenness of his actions. What the ? “This atmosphere is too depressing! I’m sorry, Mama, I know you’re not feeling too well but goddammit we’re drummers and drummers are crazy as ! Go get changed! Let’s hit the beach!” And before I knew it, Jiyong was shoving everyone up the stairs. Gosh he’s particularly energetic today.

Being a part of a group of guys sometimes got on my nerves, but it was fun most of the time. I grew up playing rough with my older cousins and older nephews; I fit in well with guys, especially guys that had similar interests to me. The percussionists never disappointed me with rough housing. “My money’s on Taeyeon!”

“Smart money’s on biology!”

“Shut the up!” I grunted, pushing Jonghyun’s shoulders as we tried to knock each other off balance. The paint baller’s hands gripped my shoulders and I could feel the blood pounding. “You’re cutting off my circulation!”

“You’re doing the same!” he shouted back and I hooked my foot around his right ankle while he snatched my sleeve, sending both of us on the sand.

“Jonghyun fell first! It’s Tae’s game!” Wooyoung screamed and Baekhyun kicked the other Kim in the stomach.

“Dude! I lost twenty bucks thanks to you!” Baek frowned.

“Dude! Taeyeon’s an athlete and I design fields!” Jonghyun reminded and I helped him stand, brushing off the grains of sand.

“Nice Mama!” Wooyoung whooped and we high-fived. Hold on, where’s Seunghyun? I swear I heard his voice.

“Where’s the banker?” I asked and Jiyong grinned, pointing to the right. I turned and noticed him talking to a few girls. His posture was straight and he couldn’t stop smiling like a dummy. Holy he’s flirting.

“Seunghyun used to be an athlete but after high school he got kind of awkward, being busy with the bank and stuff,” Jonghyun sighed and I nodded with a smirk. The rest of us sat down on the sand and played a vigorous game of footsie until Seunghyun slid over to us, a grin on his face and a paper in his hand.

“Digits, es!” he jeered and I laughed, lifting my head up towards the sun.

“Banker’s got game!” Jiyong cheered and punched his shoulder.

“Did you mention that you’re not from this state?” Baekhyun noted and I looked up. Seunghyun’s not the type for a long distance relationship.

“To be honest I just wanted a confidence booster, she’s not my type,” Seunghyun confessed and a part of me tightened. I hated the player type.

“Look, you got Mama frowning like she’s on the set,” Wooyoung pointed and I straightened my face out.

“I know you don’t like that sort of thing but come on, Taeyeon. I need this. It’s harmless flirting and no one gets attached,” Seunghyun patted my knee and I hummed.

“I just care about you guys, I don’t want you to become people I hated,” I confessed.

“You can’t possibly hate us more than you already do,” Wooyoung teased and I smiled. “You have to admit, there’s no harm in meaningless flirting and getting numbers.”

“Well, for me there is, Tiffany would bury me alive!” I said.

“You flirt unconsciously, you’re lucky she hasn’t stuffed you away somewhere,” Jonghyun scoffed and I threw my hands up.

“It’s not on purpose! I’m just being polite!” I insisted. I was immediately reminded of Jieun and sighed. Did I flirt with her? Is that why she looks at me that way? Did I lead her on? I shook my head, trying to avoid any and all thoughts of the teen. I can deal with her later, I’m supposed to be on vacation.

“Everyone falls for your innocence, Taeyeon, it’s inevitable,” Jiyong patted my head.

“You guys didn’t,” I noted.

“Uh, yeah, because we know you’re not innocent,” Wooyoung scoffed and I tossed a handful of sand in his shirt. “! Holy !”

We stayed at the beach for hours until finally deciding that it was time to hit the casinos when the sun went down. I never really gambled on my own, so Wooyoung drove my car to a place where he and his soldier friends sometimes went to. It wasn’t a huge, main casino you see on commercials, but it was packed and I was being shoved over to slot machines that had some relation to the number 2 or 4. I drank a bit and to be honest I wasn’t sure how much I was winning, if any, but I was happy and the others were happy. I had to be carried back into bed when the gambling was over and the voices died down. “Mama, Tiff’s calling you,” Wooyoung said and I hummed, reaching out for it. He handed me the device and I answered after trying it a few times.

“Hey Hun,” I mumbled.

“Baby, are you drunk?” she giggled and I smiled at the sound.

“Sorta,” I replied. “Back from gambling, don’t know how much I made, but the guys are happy.”

“Of course, you’re so good at gambling, your family trained you,” she joked and I grinned even more.

“I love you, Fany-ah,” I hummed and she sighed on the other line. “I just wanted to tell you that.”

“You’re too sweet when you’re intoxicated,” she noted and I moved around in my bed, so my legs weren’t hanging off the side. I laid in the middle and immediately felt my entire body growing heavier with exhaustion. “Are you sleepy? It’s late, you must be tired.”

“Yeah, but I want to talk to you until I pass out,” I mumbled.

“What? You’re going to leave me when you feel like it?” she teased and I closed my eyes.

“I said I love you, didn’t I?” I muttered.

“Yeah, I love you too, Babe. I don’t know if you’ll remember this conversation, but I miss you so much,” she said and I hummed, my eyelids getting harder and harder to lift. It took a moment to process her words.

“I miss you too…” I nodded. Yeah, that sentence sounds right.

“It hurts not being near you all the time and I hate this long distance thing, I hate it so much. I just wanna be with you and I don’t know how long I can handle it,” she said and I felt her words already disappearing in my head. What did she say? “Some days are harder than others.”

“Mm, I get it,” I said in agreement and decided that keeping my eyes open wasn’t important. “I had a problem at the hospital…”

“What about?” she asked and I thought back to the giant family that reminded me of my own, grief-stricken when I said that Mr. Im had passed.

“He died right in front of me, Fany-ah…so suddenly and so quickly. And the doctor made me tell his entire family that he was gone. How could he make me do that? Is it my fault or something?” I mumbled and sniffed, tears pooling beside my face as I cried. I thought I was okay, but it got to me. It really got to me.

“Of course not, Taeyeon. It wasn’t your fault, it was just his time,” she said calmly and I sniffed. But people got so sad…it couldn’t have been his time.

“It wasn’t Yuri’s time,” I mumbled and she sighed. My mind blurred even more. “That was an accident, J-Jessie…it was an accident. He wasn’t an accident, we weren’t fast enough…”

“Taeyeon, you and the doctors did all they could. It couldn’t be helped that he passed away. The doctor gave you that task because you need to do it sometime or another, sooner is better than later,” she told me and I cried a little bit more, thinking about my cousin all of a sudden. My girlfriend fell silent and let me cry my heart out. “Baby…”

“I miss Yuri. It’s been too long but the wound is still there, why haven’t I healed yet? Is this what Jess feels all the time?” I felt guilty for not thinking more about my family, about my deceased cousin. Being reminded of death reminded me of Yuri and the alcohol only intensified my grief.

“Shh,” she shushed and I hiccupped on my tears, obeying her. “You’re okay, everything’s okay, Baby. Don’t freak out,” she whispered and I hummed, noticing my feelings mellow out. Calm down, don’t be a dumb drunkard. But the pain didn’t go away. “You miss your cousin, and to be honest, even though I didn’t know her well, whenever we see your family together I want to see Yuri. Everyone would be so much happier with her around, especially Jess. But crying over her won’t bring her back, no matter how much you think it would. You have to understand it was her time to go and some people have to die early in life.” I let her words sink into my brain; I held onto them and tried not to forget. I need you, Tiffany. I took a deep breath before speaking again.

“I wish I could go outside and see you there,” I breathed, holding a pillow in my arms.

“Me too, I’d hug you and never let go,” she sighed and I felt warm with her words. It had been a while since I felt that comforting warmth in my chest. I’m getting tired again…

“I need you right now,” I whimpered.

“I wish I could be there with you,” she replied and I my breathing felt heavy. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”