​A/N: It's been a long time since this began...thanks for sticking with it.

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{Epilogue}

“You’re only taking three days off?”

“One day to get there, one day to celebrate, one day to come back,” I sighed, rolling my outfits into my duffel bag. “Dr. Huang wants me back at the hospital as soon as possible, people get drunk and do crazy things around the holidays, he said.”

“Yeah but you’re only a resident doctor. Even I get a couple weeks off,” Xiumin frowned and I shrugged as I zipped up my bag.

“All the more reason I should come back sooner than average. I need all the hours I can get, especially since the ER is mainly a slow area. I have to get used to firing up in a matter of seconds,” I set the bag by the front door and stretched my limbs out.

“You’re gonna be dead tired. Going to the hospital first thing you come back is already torturous,” he crossed his arms and slumped against the wall. “And it’ll be Christmas day.”

“Yeah, so you should understand why I’m doing this,” I mumbled. I heard him sigh. “Exactly one year. It’s not getting much easier either, so I’ve got to step up my game and focus on this residency. Maybe after another year I’ll start taking longer breaks but I kind of doubt it.”

“It’s been that long, huh?” he looked up and I hummed. It’s been one year since Tiffany and I finally decided to call it quits. If I thought hard enough, I could still remember way her room looked. “Doesn’t feel like a year…”

“Because the last time we actually saw her was June,” I added and he nodded. It didn’t take much to remind me about that night. I scratched my head. “On the days I miss her; I need to occupy myself.”

“Alright, I get it,” he groaned a little, washing down with a beer. He looked up at me and gave me a small smile. How long has it been since we just hung out together? Tiffany was still in my mind, plaguing nearly every conversation I had, whether in my thoughts or in my words. “I know you miss your family, if everything didn’t happen, I know you’d rather stay there longer.”

“That’s true,” I admitted. “But…things are different now. I know they’re going to ask about Tiffany, after all, it’s been a couple of years since they heard anything about her. They’re gonna ask questions, talk about her, have gifts for her. I don’t want to explain everything to them for more than a day,” I shrugged. Talking about my breakup became easier, but I still thought about it plenty of times. I couldn’t look at other girls and I was afraid that I was too easy to read.  “I’ll text you when I get to my aunt’s place.”

My mind was throbbing by the time I got to my aunt’s house. The long drive seemed harder this time around and I was freaking out a little more now that I was actually with my family. What will they say? I never thought about how my relatives would feel about my breakup. They liked her, and who wouldn’t? She was a beautiful woman who genuinely loved me and had a good income. I didn’t really know how to start out. “No Tiffany this time around?” Already so soon? I let out an awkward little chuckle before turning to my aunt. “It’s been a long time.”

“Ah, yeah…um, Auntie, there’s something I have to tell you,” I rubbed my forehead, unsure of what to do as we sat down. Should I just straight up tell her? Will her reaction be a good average to how the rest of the family will react? “Uh, Tiffany and I aren’t together anymore…” Her face fell and it occurred to me that my aunt probably viewed Tiffany as another niece. I once told Tiffany that my cousins were hers, my nephews, nieces, aunts, and uncles were hers. “We broke up last year.”

“What? But she was such a good girl. What happened?” I twiddled my thumbs around. This was awkward, but I was going to have this conversation at least 50 other times at the party tomorrow.

“We agreed that our views on life were too different. It was mutual so it wasn’t like one was dumping the other.” But I had a lot of guilt on my plate. I was the one who turned her down the second time, so maybe it wasn’t as mutual as I kept saying I was. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell anyone sooner. Not even my parents or my siblings know, I’ll be telling everyone else all the same tomorrow.” Her jaw dropped a little bit, gulping and gaping at the news.

“You two were together for so long, though.”

“I know, we were. It just wasn’t meant to be, Auntie. We tried to work but nothing changed. I want marriage, kids. How wrong would it be for me to grow up without one in this huge family?” I sighed and stood up, pushing my chair back in. “I know you liked her a lot, I’m sorry we couldn’t stay together.” I walked over to the stairs, but stopped halfway up the flight. How will I ever find another woman to introduce to my family? Tiffany was my family. She was not easily replaceable, in my heart and theirs. Being in love with someone mattered more than just me liking them, my relatives had to like them. I plopped down and rubbed my eyes. I love you. I jerked as someone sat down next to me and I looked over. “I bet you’re happy we’re over.”

“Why would I be?”

“You always hated Tiffany, even when we were just friends…” I sighed and leaned against the stairs.

“I didn’t like her because you spent all your time with her, since you started dating, it was normal. I liked her. She fit in. I’m sorry you guys broke up,” Hayeon put her arm around me and I rubbed my eyes. It’s been a long time since I last saw my little sister and we were having this conversation. “I know how much you loved her. Hey. No more crying! I bet you’ve done plenty of that already!”

“God, you never were good at comforting people,” I punched her arm and felt a hand rest on my shoulder.

“She’s not, but I’m not so bad.”

“Are Mom and Dad here?” Dad would be thrilled.

“No, I think they’re staying with Uncle Sooyoung.” Jiwoong squeezed my shoulder a little harder and more tears fell out. “I’m sorry.” Look what you’ve done to me.

“It wasn’t your fault…” I sniffed, wiping my tears from my eyes and Jiwoong let out a big sigh.

“And to think, I treated her like another sister,” he breathed. “I feel like I’m betrayed.” They always said you don’t just date the person; you date their family.

“Right? It’s the weirdest feeling,” Hayeon mumbled, probably feeling the most unusual between the three of us. I always assumed she didn’t like Tiffany since our teenage days, but when I finally learned that she was accepting, we weren’t even together anymore.

“Our breakup was mutual, if anything, it’s more my fault than hers,” I insisted and I could feel their eyes on me. I didn’t want our reunion to be like this, but I couldn’t help it anymore. I had to tell them sooner or later. “I couldn’t give up marriage, I couldn’t give up kids…” My siblings couldn’t say anything else, so we just sat on the stairs, and waited until we were all too tired to sit up straight.

I woke with a stretch and sighed, feeling around for my phone to check the time. I blinked when I saw a notification take up the screen. What is this? I groaned and rubbed my eyes, ignoring the time for now, when I saw that it was a text from Xiumin.

Xiumin sent a picture at 2:53 a.m.

Sent at 2:53 a.m.

Xiumin: this is you isn’t it

I unlocked my phone and widened my eyes. It was me. And Tiffany. Kissing at the rest stop on the way to the airport two years ago.

The pictures were released last night by some Korean media outlet, claiming that someone recognized Tiffany and on vacation and took pictures of her and her ‘female lover’. It didn’t help that my tattoo was still circulating sites, even if it was now only a rumor. Back then we didn’t have tattoos, but I recognized the picture of us in an instant. I hated how intimate the lighting made us look, I could still feel her hands in my hair and the chilly breath on that night. The pictures were bringing up feelings from that moment, the intimacy and love we shared from a simple little kiss. But that wasn’t the main issue.

“I don’t want to get into too much detail.”

“You should’ve proposed to her! Six years and no ring? Maybe she thought you weren’t that serious about her.” I rolled my eyes and groaned into my sleeve. I loved my family, but sometimes they just didn’t understand.

“That was the problem. She didn’t want to get married and I did. I know, it was a long relationship, I thought it would last but it’s better this way,” I sighed, placing money into the jackpot for bingo. I wasn’t sure how many times I kept repeating that to myself, but I still don’t think I believed it.

“Ah, she would’ve been a good wife though. Beautiful, loving, wealthy.” I couldn’t deny it. Tiffany would’ve been the life of every family gathering. She had money, looks, and sincerity. She was in touch with her culture now more than ever, something that my relatives took very seriously. They wanted me to marry her almost as much as I did. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I’m the one that chased her since high school, I thought she could change, I thought I could change,” I breathed, placing a marker over one of my squares on the bingo board. “I don’t want to bring down the mood, so why don’t you go with the others? I’ll join you guys after another game.”

“Pause. It’s cigarette time,” Dongwan stood up and jiggled a pack of cigs in my face. “Want one?” This must be how people first get caught on smoking. They’re vulnerable and curious, and eventually they just accept it.

“I’ll try it,” I conceded and he smiled at me. No one else inside said a word as we walked to the backyard. It won’t hurt to try it. Half my family smokes anyway. Dongwan slipped a cigarette into my hand and pulled one out for himself.

“Watch me.” He held onto the orange side and in as the end lit up. The breath slipped from his lips and I watched as he sighed, as if in bliss. “Try it.” I popped the cigarette in my mouth and flicked the lighter on. Now or never. I lit up the end and breathed in, holding back a gag as spicy smoke swirled straight to my lungs. Don’t choke, don’t choke. I exhaled as slowly as I could, enveloping my senses in the taste. “Nice, you didn’t choke!”

“It’s not bad.” It was awful, but I could endure the sting. “I’m kind of surprised I didn’t cough.”

“You’ve smoked before, haven’t you?” Eunhyuk smirked, smoke trailing from his lips, and I shook my head.

“No, this is my first time.” I took in another breath and breathed out with my nose. I flinched. That hurts a little more. We lapsed into another moment of silence and I realized that I was already smelling heavily of menthol. I wonder how long one of these breaks really is.

“Sorry about Tiffany, by the way.” I in again and stared at the sky. I tried to keep my emotions inside, away from the eyes of my cousins.

“It’s okay…” She wouldn’t like to see me smoking.

I wasn’t tired but my relatives were starting to get crazy and every clock swore that it was already 1 in the morning. I wasn’t tired, so I grabbed some more food and sat down on the couch, right by the tree, and smiled a little bit as Jiwoong grabbed someone’s gift and ran outside with it in his hands. A mob of cousins sprinted after him. They’re gonna get lost in this neighborhood. “I think they’re really having fun this year,” Sunny sat beside me, picking at my plate with chopsticks.

“Sure, have some.” She flicked my forehead and I swatted her hand away.

“No sarcasm!” she scolded and I rolled my eyes. “How long are you staying?”

“I’m leaving tomorrow,” I told her.

“What?!”

“I have a late shift tomorrow night, my mentor expects me back soon,” I shrugged. “Besides, I love you guys, but we don’t really do much after this party.”

“Um, because we never have time to. Usually someone leaves early and usually it’s you.” I shrugged again. “But I guess if you’re already do for a shift I can’t change your mind…”

“Sorry, Sun. Maybe next year.”

“Wow we know that’s total bull.” I laughed out loud just as my phone buzzed in my pocket. I reached in and fished it out.

Sent at 1:55 a.m.

Xiumin: official statement released

Xiumin: merry Christmas taeng

Sent at 1:55 a.m.

Tae: Thanks Xiu, you too.

I clicked on the link and let my eyes rove over the Korean words, translating them as fast as I could in my mind. The picture is dark and could be any Korean girl in the States. That was true, you couldn’t say for certain it was Tiffany. Tiffany has no family or friends living in the state questioned. Also true, it was my family that lived in Oregon. Without me, she knew no one here. She is currently not in a relationship, male or female. She wasn’t in a relationship. Tiffany is not a lesbian. She was bi. The company knew how to shut people down without revealing the truth. It was kind of impressive. “What’s that?”

“Nothing, just something Xiumin sent me.” The official statement of my ex’s company saying that it wasn’t her in a picture of us kissing. But Sunny didn’t need to know that I was keeping tabs on Tiffany’s news.

“You’re still friends with that guy?” I hummed.

“He’s my roommate.”

“Is he single?” I gagged.

“Never ask that again,” I warned but she just grinned. Sunny and Xiumin? I shivered.

“Taeng!” I looked over to see Hyoyeon swinging her son around. “Catch!”

“What?!” I jumped up and grabbed the baby from his mother’s arms, making him laugh. “You’re drunk! Go find your husband!”

“He went chasing after your brother,” she patted my shoulder. “Watch him, will you?” she skipped away and I rolled my eyes.

“Your mom is an idiot, Doughboy,” I sighed and carried him to the couch, holding him away from Sunny. “No, he’s mine.”

“Looks like he’s tired,” she pointed and I looked at the baby, slowly blinking and mumbling into my neck. I smiled and laid down, throwing my feet on Sunny’s lap as I settled Doughboy into my arms. He’s so cute. Hyoyeon definitely showed on his face, on his lips, on his brows. But I could see her husband as well, in the way he walked, the way he spoke. He was amazing. He was beautiful. I kissed his head and closed my eyes. I gave up the love of my life for something like you. Was it worth it?