I grabbed some of my clothing and stuffed them into my backpack. It was still dark outside and I knew the sun would rise any moment now. I made sure I had everything and left. I took my car and drove off.

Once I arrived at my destination, I knocked on the door. The sun was just rising and the sky was now starting to warm up into a blue-ish color, “Amber?” I looked at the person and smiled, “Hey Tiff.” She looked surprised seeing me on her front door step this early in the morning, but I didn’t blame her. “God Amber, you must be freezing out there. Come inside.” Tiff pulled me inside and shut the door, “Something went wrong didn’t it?” I gave Tiff a weak smile and I heard her let out a sigh, “Do you want some coffee?” I nodded and followed her to the kitchen.

“So did you confess?” Tiff asked and I let out a sigh, “No.” Tiff put the water on the stove and turned up the heat, “Why not? I thought you were being like this because she rejected you.” I shook my head and then explained to her what had happened after she left, and how I avoided both Yuri and Jessica all of Sunday.

“You're such an idiot.” I lifted a brow, “ You should have confessed to her right there and then when you had the chance. You should have just told Jessica even though you knew Yuri was right outside the door. You should stop assuming that Jessica said yes to Yuri. Who knows if Yuri really did ask Jessica to be her girlfriend? For all we know is that Yuri asked Jessica for a chat. She could have just asked her a favor or something like that. I honestly think you’re over thinking things too much. Just ask her. It’s the only way you’ll ever know the answer to your question.”

Tiff sure knows how to give advice in the longest way possible.​

“I know I shouldn’t assume things.” Tiff victoriously smiles, “But I don’t deserve her Tiff. She doesn’t need someone like me in her life.”

“Where the hell is this coming from? I already told you how she looks at you when she saw you interact with her younger sister. Jessica likes you, she needs someone like you Amber.” I shook my head in defiance, “No she doesn’t. Trust me. She doesn’t need a screw up in her life.” Tiff looked around, “A screw-up? I don’t see one.”

“Both you and I know very well that I am one. I screwed up.” I mumbled the last of my sentence and I saw Tiff’s gaze soften, “That wasn’t your fault Amber. It was an accident. You can’t have control over those types of accidents. That and she wouldn’t like to see you like this.” I looked up to meet Tiff’s gaze, “It was my fault. I mean honestly? Who the hell walks out on the streets at four in the morning Tiff? I would let it slide if it was later in the morning, but no. She was out walking the streets at four in the morning Tiff. I should have called her. I should have noticed that she seemed a bit more down than the usual. If I… if I had at least done any of that then… then maybe she would have still been here with us.” A warm hand makes contact with my cold one, “You can’t always live your life on the ‘What ifs’ and ‘should haves’ Amber. It’s not healthy for you to be thinking that way. You just have to learn to let some thing’s go.”

We heard the water boil and Tiff let go of my hand to make the coffees, “I’m moving on Tiff. I’m trying.” Tiff glanced at me and I saw one of her signature eye smiles, “It’s good to know that you're trying Amber. That makes the effort to moving on… maybe with a certain brunette.” I let out a frustrated sigh, “Tiff no. I already told you. Jessica doesn’t need someone like me. Yuri actually suits her. Shoot Yuri’s her type.” Tiff handed me my cup of coffee and we sat down at the table, “And I’m telling you that you are meant for her and that this whole denial phase you're going through is a load of crap. You’re just being a coward.”

Before I could reply back another voice interrupted us, “Morning you two.” We turned to see Sooyoung walking towards us, “Morning Soo. Did we wake you up? Sorry.” Sooyoung let out a chuckle and she kissed Tiff’s temple, “Not at all, I was already awake. I just couldn’t sleep, so you don’t have to apologize.” Tiff smiled, and she pecked Sooyoung on the lips, “Thanks, Soo.” I faked being nauseous as I witnessed the two get all chummy with each other and Tiff rolled her eyes at me, “ Oh please you're just jealous because your love life is non-existing.” I glared at Tiff, “Yah!” I heard Sooyoung let out a soft laugh, “Knock it off you two, it’s still too early in the morning for you two to have your usual quarrel.” I pointed a finger at Tiff, “She started it.” Tiff just glared at me, “That’s very mature of you Amber.” I just stuck my tongue out at her and I knew I hit a nerve.

“So what would you two like to eat? I’m starving.” Sooyoung interrupted us and I silently thanked her before Tiff could do anything, “Surprise us Soo.” Tiff smiled at her girlfriend again and I just shrugged, “You’re a chef, so anything you make is bound to be good.” Sooyoung just let out a smile and nodded, “You guys mind filling me in on what you two were just talking about.”

I let out a sigh.

“Amber here is being a coward because she won’t confess to Jessica.” I glared at Tiff, “Because she doesn’t deserve me, she deserves someone better, someone like Yuri. I already told you, I’m a screw-up.” Sooyoung, who was in the kitchen, stopped what she was doing and looked at me, “How do you know Jessica thinks of you like that? Sure, you may be a screw-up, but you at least try to fix those screw-ups. Trust me Am, at a moment even I thought Tiffany wouldn’t want to be with me because of my past, but that sure as hell didn’t stop me from confessing. Even if I got rejected, which I didn’t, I would still confess to her and I’m glad I did because if I never did then I would have never known that she liked me back too. Just confess to her Am, I’m sure you already know the answer to your own questions. You just don’t want to admit to them because you're scared and it’s okay to be scared. It's just a reminder that you're just human.” I looked at Sooyoung for a moment and I saw the sincerity behind those eyes.

She’s right.

I looked down onto my coffee as my hands tried to warm up from grasping the mug, “I… I just had another dream. Actually, I’ve been having several.” Both Sooyoung and Tiffany stopped what they were doing and put their full attention on me. For the next few minutes, I told them about the recurring dreams I was having and the ones that freaked me out. My eyes were trained onto my hands because I didn’t want to meet either of their gazes. When I got to the dream I just had last night, Tiff held my hand for comfort. I honestly didn’t know that I was starting to cry and Tiff’s actions really did give me some type of comfort. To be honest, I have never told any of them about my dreams. They all knew I would get nightmares every once in awhile, but I never told them exactly what I would dream about. This was the first time I was opening up to either of them.

When I finished, I wiped my tears away with the back of my hand. I didn’t want to cry anymore. I’ve had enough of it, “I’m actually going to go visit her. I left a message with my boss and I’ll be gone for about a week. I need to clear my head a bit before I come back to get my life moving forward.” They both agreed with me that it was the best choice that I did go visit her. The last time I was at her tombstone was when we buried her about 6 feet in the ground and that had been quite a while ago.

Sooyoung made breakfast and we ate in peace. I actually felt more comfortable in knowing that they supported me with me leaving for a while. My flight was going to be leaving soon, so I bid them both a goodbye and we hugged, “Do me a favor would you?” I said when I pulled away from Tiff, “What is it?” Sooyoung asked.

“Don’t tell anyone where I’m heading off to. And when I say anyone I mean, Yuri and Jessica.” Tiff let out a sigh and Sooyoung nodded, “Sure don’t worry about it Am.” I looked at Tiff and she finally nodded, “Fine, but if anything happens out there call us okay?” I nodded, “Of course, I’ll see you guys soon. Take care.” I left and thanked them for everything.

The next few hours were hectic, I was stuck in some minor traffic and my flight got delayed for a few hours. To add things up, I got stuck next to a guy who didn’t know how to keep his mouth shut while he slept on the plane. He snored and drooled the whole entire flight.

What did I do to deserve this?

I almost kissed the ground once I got to NJ and from there I rented a car for the next few days I was going to be there. I drove to the nearest Hotel to her hometown and I settled into one of the rooms. I was so tired and I was experiencing the worst jetlag. This was my entire fault, though; I knew I should have at least tried to get some sleep. I got myself ready to knock out and forget about everything. I was too tired to do anything else.

I woke up the next afternoon sweating and panting.

These damn nightmares were not getting any better.

I got out of bed and got ready to head out to the cemetery where she was buried. When I arrived, the sun was barely visible and I could tell that it snowed the other night. The snow wasn’t too bad, but it was still a hassle to get around places. My heart beat at a fast pace when I neared her tombstone. I could recognize it from a mile away even though it was covered by snow at the moment.

When I stood in front of her tombstone, I wiped away some of the snow that was on top of it. Her name was engraved along with her date of birth and the year when she died, “Hey goldfish… I um… I honestly don’t know what to say… my mind is pretty blank.” I let out a soft chuckle. This is harder than I thought it would be, “I… I don’t know what to say? I miss you? I love you? But I’m sure you already know that.” I sat down next to her tombstone; “I guess I can start with an apology, so I’m sorry. I’m sorry because I haven’t visited you in so long. I was scared of coming actually… I am scared, but I have to face reality... You know it took me a while to finally accept the fact that you were actually gone.” I let out a soft chuckle, “There were times… there were times when I would forget and I would unconsciously call you. This all just feels so surreal. It’s like… I feel like I’ll wake up any moment now and have you sleeping right by my side, but that’s not the case because it’ll never happen. This is as real as things get and I kind of don’t like it. I don’t the fact that you're not here with us… with me. We had so many future goals I wanted to accomplish with you and only you, but I guess life just doesn’t want it that way, huh. I haven’t even spoken to your mom or any of your family in quite awhile. I need to go visit them while I’m still here. I’m pretty sure they’ll be upset with me, but I don’t blame them.”

“You know I never thought I would be able to ever like someone again like the way I did with you. I actually met someone. Her name’s