It wasn’t his idea – the shopping trip – it was his mother’s. Ever since Mrs. Kim had heard the news of engagement, she had been constantly bothering him, making plans for a wedding he wasn’t looking forward to at all. He had tried to convince his mother that it probably wouldn’t be until a couple more years and she would have enough time to prepare but she refused to listen. Now he knew where he had gotten his stubbornness from.

Myungsoo had a suspicion that Mrs. Kim’s excessive interest towards the wedding might have had flowed from the conversation they had the night Jiyeon’s parents had come over. He remembered telling her that he had indeed truly loved Sungjong and it had shocked her. That was why she was trying to hurry up the marriage, so that Myungsoo didn’t have time to change his mind. The fact that Sungjong was working for him now had probably sent warning signals up her brain – she had always believed that Sungjong was the root of the problem – he hhad been the one who had driven her son crazy, her favorite synonym for gay.

It disgusted him a bit but he didn’t bring it up with her. What was the point of defending someone who didn’t matter to him anymore?

Besides, he never appreciated it.

When he stepped into the Gucci store, he was still lost in his thoughts that crashed upon his mind, like wave after wave. These days, he spent a good amount of time thinking about nothing. He wasn't supposed to be this absentminded. But with everything unfolding around him, he couldn’t stop himself – of course Sungjong was in the center of it all.

His mother held his arm and drove him towards the men’s section, where she told the shop assistant to find a groom suit for him.

“Mom, it’s too early! What if I get fatter in the next two or three years?” he protested, but she didn’t pay any attention to it. It was pointless to reason with her and if she thought that buying suits for him would hasten the time of the wedding, she was wrong. He was her son after all.

So he just stood there as the assistant and Mrs. Kim tried holding up suits of different cuts and colors to his body and evaluating the effect. They told him try on a few and he did, with disinterest. For a fashion magazine editor, he wasn’t that interested in what he wore. He dressed well usually, but he didn’t spend much time or thought on what to buy and what to wear. That attitude was of course quite the opposite when it came to the magazine.

His mother had handed him what seemed liked the tenth jacket to try on and as he put it on, he heard her gasp. At first he thought that she had gasped because she had finally found the perfect suit but when he turned his head towards her, he found her looking at a different direction. His eyes followed hers and it became clear what she had found so shocking. His shoulders and head visible above the racks, he saw Sungjong, but he wasn’t alone. He was smiling at someone, a man taller than him. When he turned around, Myungsoo’s fear became true – it was Minho.

What are they doing here, together?

“It’s that disgusting boy, what’s he doing with that handsome man?”

His mother’s voice jerked him awake from the nightmare and he forced himself to look away, his fingers curling into a fist involuntarily. How had his mother recognized Sungjong so quickly after all these years?

There was just something so distinct about the younger, something that made him so ‘Sungjong’ that it was probably not that strange that Mrs. Kim had instantly recognised him. But the bigger question was, what was he doing here, with Minho?

“Oh that poor man, is he trying to seduce him now, that spawn of Satan-”

“Mom, don’t,” he warned. Between his mother’s insults aimed at the younger and seeing him out on the weekend with Minho, he was having trouble keeping his calm. He wanted to tear the younger away from Minho again, but he reminded himself that they could do whatever they wanted – they were not at the office, it was a holiday, and their personal lives were none of his concern.

Why does he have to torture me like this?

If he had thought he had seen the worst, he was wrong. As if watching Sungjong smile at someone else was not torment enough, he watched with frozen eyes as Minho leaned towards the younger and kissed him on the lips. On the lips. To his horror, Sungjong didn’t protest or looked shocked; blushing faintly, he giggled, like he was used to it.

The knot in Myungsoo’s chest was close to bursting and for some reason, he wanted to break down in tears, hot, angry tears.

Minho was saying something as he tucked a strand of Sungjong’s hair behind his ear, causing him to turn his head sideways shyly. As he did so, his eyes fell on Myungsoo. For one tense moment, their eyes met above the racks. There was fear in Sungjong’s eyes, as if he expected Myungsoo to do something drastic, but he didn’t. He just stood there, holding his gaze and trying to express as much hatred he could muster in his look. If he wasn’t mistaken, he could see the younger shrinking against the power of his gaze. His mind ran a continuous chant – hurt him, hurt him, hurt him, hurt him like he hurt you; he’s yours, so hurt him.

Finally, Minho interrupted. When he saw Myungsoo across the room, he waved at him and started to come over, dragging Sungjong by the hand behind him. Myungsoo couldn’t be outright rude to his executive editor but he didn’t know how to deal with him at this moment – his mind was full of Sungjong.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” Minho asked cheerfully, stopping in front of him. Sungjong stood behind him, half hidden by Minho’s figure, a guilty look in his eyes.

Swallowing the snappy answer he had prepared in his head, he replied simply, introducing his mother to him. Mrs. Kim’s strict eyes were on Sungjong, who bowed but didn’t look in her direction.

As if she couldn’t take it anymore, she started angrily, “Do you know the guy you’re hanging out with-”

“Mom, stop.”

Minho looked pleasantly confused as his eyes darted from mother to son but Sungjong’s legs were shaking.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, trying to control his voice. He still sounded curt.

“I needed to pick out a coat and I brought Sungjong along. You know, probably dinner later and then…” There was a meaningful smirk on Minho’s face that he wanted to slap away. What did it mean? Were the two…

Hurt him, hurt him, hurt him, hurt him like he hurt you; he’s yours, so hurt him.

There was nothing he could do – he felt helpless, he felt small. The voice in his head wouldn’t stop and he just wanted the pain in his heart to end. It was like a poisonous snake was eating him up from the inside, bit by bit, savoring him. His eyes veered towards Sungjong, who was staring at something near his thigh with a strangely shocked expression. Following his line of gaze, he found that the younger had been staring at his engagement ring, the silver band on his finger. There was a look of disbelief on his face and when he finally looked up, there was an injured gaze in his eyes.

The voice in his head calmed automatically, and the pinching sensation in his heart subsided for a second.

That’s the way, hurt him even more.

“I think we’ll go now, it was nice meeting you ma’am,” Minho said, smiling his charming smile, causing Mrs. Kim’s hard expression to melt away. With a bow, the two left.

His mother kept on talking about how disgusting Sungjong was and what a waste it was that he would ‘taint’ someone like Minho, who was charming, handsome, and sweet and could get a beautiful wife. Most of what she said sifted through his head. He had trouble adjusting to the fact that Sungjong seemed happy with Minho, in a way he had never been happy himself. There was no way he would be happy, have a loved one to share everything with.

Why does he get a happy ending?

The only thing that seemed to bother Sungjong at this point was Myungsoo’s engagement to Jiyeon. Being the selfish person he was, wouldn’t he hate to see something he wanted to have whisked away from his grasp?

The pain and the voice in his head were back, dark as ever, threatening to overpower him – he needed something more permanent to fend them off.

“Wait here, mom,” he said, leaving her with the shop assistant and walking out of the shop. He pulled out his phone and dialed a number as fast as he could with his quivering fingers. It was probably madness, what he was about to do, but right now, he didn’t have the time or means to check his insanity.

“Hello, Sunggyu? How soon can you arrange the wedding?”

There was a pause and he knew that the executive editor was calculating the meaning behind the words he had just spoken in his head before replying.

“Um…you mean your wedding? With Jieyon?”

It sounded wrong but he replied with a determined “Yes.”

“Well, depends how big and fancy you want it,” his friend replied, sounding confused.

“Doesn’t matter, the faster the better.”

“Four…three months I’d say-”

“You have two weeks.”

There was complete silence and he started to wonder if the line had been disconnected. Finally, Sunggyu said, “You’re kidding me!”

“Three, then. Go ahead, a month. Tell Jieyon. Release a statement. Let everyone know, everyone.” Without waiting for a response, he hung up. Then he sent Jiyeon a text, informing her of the sudden change in plan. He made it sound as firm as possible, making it clear that it was not up for discussion.

Do I really want to hurt him like this? Do I really want to become this monster?

He would only know when he would see his face again, after the news had reached him. Would it rip Sungjong apart? Would it destroy his life? Would it make him feel the way he had felt eight years ago?

Besides, like his mother had said, marrying Jiyeon was inevitable, so wasting time was pointless.

---

The meeting ended a little after 11. Myungsoo and Sunggyu sat for a few minutes, talking in soft voices while the others filed out, looking glum. It hadn’t gone too well. Myungsoo had chided a few of the editors since they seemed to be running behind their projects.

Sungjong waited until the editor had left to begin his clean-up routine. It took him some time to collect all the papers and files and put the room back in order. When he emerged from the room, the corridors were empty.

“Hey!”

He turned back at the sound of the jolly voice, something he had gotten quite used to in the past few weeks – it was Sungyeol, tall and gummy smile in full view.

“Want me to give you a hand with that?” he asked jovially, taking some of the files out of his arms anyway.

Sungjong thanked him, smiling a little. Sungyeol had been a good friend to him ever since his reform. They were still far away from being best friends but the initial awkwardness between them was completely gone. Ever since his meltdown in front of him, they had developed a bond. The PA cared for him and sometimes even went out of his way to help him, like taking over the chore of getting Myungsoo’s coffee in the morning because he lived closer to Starbucks. It was pleasant to have a friend like this, with no romantic or between them, just mutual affection.

“How was the meeting?”

Sighing, he replied, “Fine,” but then went on to tell him how snappy the chief editor had been this morning. He was never chatty, but once he had found the magic of having a person who would listen to him without judging him, he had found relaxation in venting.

“And then, he went ballistic for nothing, scattering the papers all over the table. And who has to pick them up? Me!” he finished with a disgruntled frown but he was feeling much better, his chest a lot lighter now that he’d gotten it off.

“The way you speak about him sometimes, you sound like you two are an old married couple,” the PA commented.

A shiver ran down his spine as he bit his lips hard enough to draw blood. He went quiet, feeling odd sensations blow up in his stomach.

“I was kidding you know,” Sungyeol elbowed him in the ribs. “Look, maybe he’s moody because he’s nervous - after all he’s getting married in a few weeks.”

Sungjong stopped dead in his tracks. The words Sungyeol had spoken registered one by one, gradually. The world had stopped when the elder had first uttered the words and once Sungjong comprehended what they had meant, the world spun out of control in front of his eyes.

Disregarding Sungyeol’s concerned questions, he broke into a sprint, his heart bumping against his ribs hard and fast. He didn’t stop when Myungsoo’s back came into view. Instead, he passed him by, then turned around, coming to a halt, face to face with the man himself. Sunggyu, who had been walking with the editor, was beside him but his presence didn’t register in Sungjong’s mind. All his senses were trained on Myungsoo and Myungsoo only. The look of suppressed anger and distaste on his face did nothing to put a reign on his galloping heart.

“Is it true - you’re getting married in a few weeks?” The words spilled out even before he had any thought of trying to control himself.

The brief look of disbelief on the chief editor’s visage didn’t go unnoticed. But as it passed, it was replaced with a look of arrogance and triumph. He could clearly see it in his eyes – Myungsoo had won and he had lost in the game played over nine years. He might have seemed like the underdog before but he had won; his victory was complete.

“What’s it to you?” he asked scathingly, not taking his eyes off of his. The intensity of the look turned Sungjong to ashes but at this point, he didn’t care.

Tell him, tell him what he’s to you, his mind goaded on but his tongue had frozen. He could go on his hands and knees but would that serve any purpose? He had surrendered a long time ago but Myungsoo didn’t want to give him another chance. It was over. Check mate.

“What’s it to me? It’s-it’s nothing…I’m sorry, so sorry. I didn’t mean it.”

Without waiting to watch the change in Myungsoo’s expression, he rounded on his heels and sprinted off towards the washroom.

Sometimes you have to get burned to see the truth.

Sungjong saw it quite clearly now – how wrong he had been eight years ago, and how he hadn’t changed much from then. If he had, he would have chased after Myungsoo – no matter how much courage it took on his part, he would have apologized and let the elder know about all his feelings. Now that Myungsoo was getting married, there was nothing left for him. It was too late to go begging now, too late to fix what he’d broken over nine years.

Like the tide, his chance had come and gone, and like the shoreline, he had failed to capture the tide. The waves and the beach are never meant to be together.

It’s too late to be a better person.

He collapsed the moment he reached the washroom, feeling his bones give away. It was too much for him to bear. His head felt heavy and there was a fire in his chest, claws all over his body. His vision started to cloud, his throat closing.

“What the…”

Woohyun’s voice sent chills running down his spine. Would the PA drag him off to his desk and make him work until he fell dead? Or maybe how would just stand here and watch him die.

“What is wrong with you? Is this a new stunt or something?”

Sungjong tried to reply, cry for help but he couldn’t utter a single sound.

“I swear if you die on me…”

He felt hands on his body dimly and then someone trying to lift him up … and then, he couldn’t feel anymore, not his body, not the ground beneath him. He was just regrets now.

When he opened his eyes, he found himself in unfamiliar white surroundings. It took him a moment to realize that there were white curtains all around the bed he was lying on.

“Oh good, you’re awake.”

He turned his head to his right sharply to find Woohyun sitting on a chair beside the bed. He had his arms crossed in front of his chest and despite his careless demeanor, his eyes expressed relief. It was the least hostile Woohyun he had ever seen.

“Where am I?”

The PA gave him a look as if it was obvious.

“The infirmary, duh. After you pulled that fainting trick where else was I supposed to take you?”

He remembered collapsing on the washroom floor; Woohyun had been there. He had thought the PA would just let him be since he couldn’t care less about him but it turned out, he was not completely inhumane.

“You – you brought me here?”

Woohyun’s nostrils flared and he looked away.

“So what? I didn’t want to be charged with murder.”

This was interesting – it was almost as if Woohyun actually cared.

“And you sat here all this time?”

“Sungyeol’s covering for us. I told him what happened,” the PA replied curtly, still not looking at him. He was probably aware that it might come across that he didn’t completely hate Sungjong’s guts, enough to want him dead, and he was embarrassed by it.

“Now that your lazy is awake, I’ll go.” Woohyun got to his feet with a disdainful expression of his face.

“Thanks. You know, deep down inside, like really deep, deep deep deep deep deep down inside, you have a decent heart,” Sungjong said, watching the man closely for his reaction. As expected, he seemed to squirm uncomfortably.

“It changes nothing you know, you’re still an idiot and the most annoying snob ever. And the doctor told you to rest so I don’t want to see your sorry at the office tomorrow.” He spoke the last sentence rapidly, then galloped towards the door, disappearing through it.

He didn’t know how to feel about Woohyun, now that he was in his debt. If the PA had been a really, truly evil person, he wouldn’t have brought him to the infirmary, would he, or sit beside him until he regained consciousness? Maybe there was a bit of good in him.

In a way, he was ashamed to have collapsed in front of his enemy but he was glad as well, because otherwise he would have never seen this side of him. At the thought of collapsing, a myriad of emotions came back to him. With a shudder, he remembered what had caused his mental breakdown in the first place.

I over-reacted…I should have expected it.

While pondering about how he could explain his embarrassing actions, he had dozed off. When he woke up again, he was met with Sungyeol’s concerned expression.

“Hey,” he said softly, trying to sit up.

Sungyeol rushed forward to help him, asking him if he was okay. Once he had assured his friend that he was feeling alright and explaining away the fainting episode as a result of the new diet regime he was following, he told him about Woohyun’s strange behavior.

“Well, he’s not that bad a guy,” Sungyeol said, chewing on his bottom lip.

“Why does he hate me so much?”

It was a rhetoric question but Sungyeol looked like he was really pondering the answer. With a sigh, he said, “Because you’re you. You have things he wants and he’s in no position to get them.”

Sungjong was thoroughly confused – how could he have something Woohyun wanted and how had the PA known that from the moment he had set his eyes on him.

“Look, promise you won’t tell them or use it against them if I tell you what’s up with them.”

Sungjong nodded emphatically. All this time he had thought Woohyun and Taemin’s bullying was irrational but did something actually turn them twisted?

“Woohyun and Taemin first joined the company with hopes of becoming models. They are good-looking and everything but they didn’t qualify because of their heights – they didn’t meet the minimum requirement.”

He was speechless – he had never thought that the two friends had other dreams which had been thwarted. He could understand their frustration but that didn’t explain why they would hold anything against him.

“So they were bitter ever since, towards anyone who seems like they can be a model. You – you are young, good-looking, and taller than them. Obviously they hated you from the moment they saw you. Then you actually became a model and they were furious.”

“They don’t hate you!”

“They did when I first joined, especially because I’m so much taller than them. They really can’t stand taller people. But when I told them I’d never wanted to be a model, we became close, gradually.”

It was surreal to think that they actually had a reason for hating him, no matter how petty it was. Of course it didn’t justify their actions, but he felt that he could understand them a little more. After all, he knew what it felt like to be bitter, to lose everything and watch someone else gain what they were desperate for.

He wished the two could move on from their failure and build different dreams.

A new dream, that’s what I need.

Maybe he was living his life too aimlessly. If he had a real goal, a destination, he would be distracted by trying to achieve it instead of drowning in despair. He had fallen in love with the right man at the wrong time but there was nothing he could do about it. It would hurt, but he’d have to carry on. Despite everything, he would have to carry on. Because in spite of how hopeless he was, giving up didn’t sound like him. And if Myungsoo had been able to live with the pain of rejection for eight years, he could too.

“You’re right hyung, Woohyun and Taemin are not that bad. They just have the wrong reasons.”