Forty thousand feet in air, Sungjong first regretted his decision.

True, he had every reason to be mad at Myungsoo, but what he had said and done were hasty and irrational.

When he had decided to leave Myungsoo’s house – for some reason, he had never got around to thinking of it as ‘their house’ - he didn’t know where to go. He couldn't go to Gwangju since he didn't want his mom to think he and Myungsoo were having problems. It was embarrassing to admit to his mother that he was having troubles coping with the man he had vouched for. “He’s the one,” he had told her. It hadn’t realy changed but right now…

His next choice was his brother, but Howon had always sided with Myungsoo for some reason, so there was no speculation about whose side of the story he would buy. He would probably try to convince him to apologise to Myungsoo and also pester him about leaving Royals – that was something he could live without at the moment.

Sungyeol’s door would always be open for him, he knew, but after the heart-to-heart he had had with him, he wasn’t sure he wanted someone who knew what was going on to talk to. Right now, he just wanted peace and quiet and a familiar face who wouldn’t ask questions.

Maybe it was a rash decision, but he had gone straight to the airport and bought himself a ticket. Leaving the country seemed like a good idea. He would be relieved to put some distance between him and Myungsoo, the more the better. He felt that even here, when he was away from Myungsoo, he was feeling his love’s chokehold on himself. It was excruciating.

He still had a few days leave from work; he would let his manager know that he wanted a longer holiday once he got down from the plane. For once, he didn’t care about work. He just needed to be out of Seoul, whose air reeked of Myungsoo.

The first leg of the journey was quiet, just as he had wanted. But when he changed planesa t Dubai, he found an elderly man with curly salt and pepper hair slumped on the seat beside him. He had bloodshot eyes and unruly hair; he was wearing a suit but it was dishevelled. He did not look like he belonged in the business class but Sungjong refrained from commenting. As long as he didn’t bother him, he would happily ignore him.

The peace didn’t last long. The man drank too much beer and three glasses of champagne, causing him to become loud and agitated. After enduring it for an hour or two, Sungjong was about to call a flight attendant, when he noticed that the man was staring at him blatantly.

“I know you!” he said in a gruff voice, almost accusingly.

“Uh…I’m sorry I don’t think we’ve-”

“You’re a model aren’t you?” he talked over him. His eyes became rounder. “The one that’s having an affair with a fashion designer. Or wait, is it your husband who’s having an affair with another model?”

This is the power of the media, he sighed.

“None of us are having an affair,” he replied strictly, turning his face away to show he wasn’t interested in talking to him.

The man however didn’t take hints very well.

He continued passionately, “My daughter told me all about you two. She’s so into these things celebrity gossips and stuff. No wonder young people these days have dung in their heads…”

Sungjong wasn’t in the least bit interested about what he had to say. He just wanted to go to sleep and forget about everything. Maybe when he woke up, things would be different and they wouldn’t have fought.

“I understand why you’re dating a fashion designer, but what’s your husband dating another girl for? I think you’re the prettiest model so what exactly is he looking for…”

He was surprised to hear this 70-something man calling him pretty. He was oddly touched – at least he seemed to be siding with him, not that he was dating Lee Taeil or anything. They only met up once, to discuss work of course. However, Taeil had made it clear that he wouldn’t mind taking things farther between them. Sungjong had only smiled politely and steered the conversation in a different direction. No matter what people thought, he was not cheating on Myungsoo.

“I love him. We’re not cheating on each other,” he deadpanned.

The man heaved a heavy sigh. “Kids these days don’t understand love,” he said, shaking his head solemnly.

“You don’t know us!”

“Bah, it’s all the same.”

“Why would you say that?” Sungjong blurted out before he could stop himself.

There was a strange charisma in the man’s bloodshot eyes that seemed to draw people in. Even though he looked dishevelled, he seemed wiser than his years.

“People think love is easy and perfect, but it’s not. You know what Shakespeare said? He said life is not a bed of roses.” He wagged his finger in Sungjong’s face. “Well, love isn’t a bed of roses either. Love is not constant, it’s a constant struggle.”

Sungjong was hooked to the man’s words. It was like the man viewed things in a completely different perspective from him. What he said was an abstract idea that started to take form in his mind, bit by bit. Sungjong felt the words slowly sink into his brain, making sense.

Love is a constant struggle – he had never imagined it that way. Honestly, he was one those people who had thought love was perfect, that there could be no problems if love was there. So, just because he and Myungsoo were having problems didn’t mean they were not in love anymore.

“Does-does that mean,” he ventured tentatively, “that you can fight and still be in love?”

A careless smirk appeared on the man’s face. “So you two did fight, huh?”

Sungjong was caught unaware and he blushed. The man’s eyes suddenly seemed piercing rather than out-of-focus.

“I know people, I can read it in their eyes, in their body language.” He sighed, wiping his face with his hands exhaustedly. “I think I’m going to take a nap.”

With that, his head lolled to one side and a minute later, Sungjong heard the soft rumbles of a deep slumber. Sighing, he leaned back in his seat. He hadn’t realised he was sitting upright. He had a lot to ask the man, who seemed like he had seen it all. He wished the man would keep on talking instead of sleeping. The silence crated a vacancy in his mind that was filled with thoughts about Myungsoo; not happy thoughts but pictures of Myungsoo with Jiyeon and Mi, finally content with the family he deserved.

I couldn’t be the person he wanted me to be.

Sungjong must have dozed off since his co-passenger’s voice caused him to sit up with a start. Wiping off a thin line of drool from the side of his face, he looked at the man, whose hair was even more tousled now. He was grinning at him with a shrewd twinkle in his eyes.

“So you’re gonna tell me what happened?” he slurred. Surely, he must have had another glass or two of champagne after he had woken up. However, his eyes were unusually bright.

“What happened?” Sungjong asked stupidly. He had always had trouble concentrating after waking up.

“Yeah, what happened between you and that dumb kid you married.”

“Don’t call him dumb!” his protectiveness flared on instinct.

The man coughed – or laughed – he couldn’t tell. The sound was unpleasant.

“If he’s not dumb, why did he marry an immature idiotic model like you?”

There was something in the way he said it that made him seem like a schoolteacher scolding his student. Sungjong bowed his head. For some reason, it didn’t matter to him that the man had outright insulted him. He felt as if he deserved it.

“I wasn’t a model when he married me,” he muttered, choosing to ignore the rest of the statement. “We were in love and I thought that’s all you need to-”

“That’s all you need?” the man asked incredulously. “My dear, you’re stupider than I thought.”

He was past the point to take offense from the man’s words, so he didn’t say anything. Clicking his tongue, the man continued, “Listen here, just because two people fall in love doesn’t mean they become angels, you know. They remain human beings with human flaws. And they make very human mistakes. Love is about accepting the flawed person, not turning him perfect.”

When he kept on looking confused, the man smiled a kind little smile.

“You need time, it won’t make sense to you right now. Come and find me when you’re calmer, I’ll be in Vegas.” With that, he buckled up and turned his face away. A little later, a passenger announcement came floating in and told them to fasten their seatbelts as they were going to land soon.

In a daze, Sungjong tightened his seat belt and looked out of the window as everything on the ground rapidly increased in size until the trees and buildings were running parallel to the plane. He almost didn’t see anything as he still pondered the man’s words. He had been right, it didn’t make sense to him right now. Nothing did.

It became evident after waiting for an hour at the airport that he accepted the fact that his suitcase got lost. He reported the missing luggage and got into a taxi, feeling a strange exhilaration.  Before getting on the plane, he had gotten a reply text bearing an address. He now handed it to the taxi driver, who nodded after taking one glance. The taxi headed through the traffic of Las Vegas.

It was his first time in LA but he was too absentminded to look around him. The streets passed by, one after the other, without drawing his eyes. In the empty, yet oddly full cocoon of his mind, he dwelled on thoughts of Myungsoo and what he might be doing. Was he relieved to have gotten rid of him finally? Or was he still angry with him?

Peculiarly, his mind drifted to his co-passenger on the plane, who had been speaking about love and flaws and mistakes. He still needed time to figure out what he had been saying but he couldn’t help thinking that his answer lay in what the man had said.

Maybe I will go and find him later, he thought. The man had mentioned something about a beach if he ever needed to find him.

When the taxi pulled up in front of an apartment complex, he got down slowly. He remembered that he had no cash on him so he paid the driver with his card. With a sigh, he looked up at the tall building, looking intimidating and unwelcome. Would its occupant be just as uninviting?

No, he won’t.

He took the lift to the thirteenth floor and found the right door easily. It was about 6 pm, so he should be home. He hadn’t let him know that he was coming. In fact, he himself had been confused about if he should, if it was proper. But being in Seoul, all alone, had made him realise that he needed someone. And that someone was right behind this door.

With trepidation, he knocked, lightly at first and then with more conviction. Exactly after 46 seconds, the door opened. They both gasped simultaneously – Sungjong because for a second he had almost thought that it was Myungsoo and the other person because…well, Sungjong wasn’t supposed to be in California of all places.

“Is that really you?” Munsoo asked, his eyes affixed on him.

Sungjong only nodded.

Not quite looking at the other, he muttered, “If it doesn’t bother you, can I stay here for-”

His words were drowned as Munsoo pulled him in a hug. At that moment, he realized how exhausted he was, both mentally and physically. He didn’t want to think about anything else.

And with Munsoo, he didn’t have to.

---

It was the sound of silence that got to him first.

The sound of absence.

Sungjong’s absence.

Sungjong had been really busy in the last 6 months, so much so that he only got to see him for short periods every day. But with him gone, even those few moments seemed precious. Like a man who has lost everything, he wanted desperately to turn back time.

At first he had been angry. He had felt wronged and he hoped that Sungjong would realise his mistake and be the first to apologise. He was ready to reconcile if the younger promised to treat him better. But as the days passed by, he scraped all of it – he just wanted Sungjong back. He would kneel if he had to, beg him and apologise, he just wanted Sungjong. If nothing else, he just hoped that his husband would be there by his side when he woke up every day.

At this point, he didn’t care if he seemed pathetic or weak. The truth was, he would love Sungjong to his grave and no matter what happened, he couldn’t think of a replacement for him. He made Sungjong a part of his family, giving up his parents. Without Sungjong, he had nothing to live by.

As the days trickled into weeks, his apprehension started to grow. He knew where the younger was, but he didn’t contact him anyway because Sungjong had made it clear that he didn’t want to be found. He respected his wish, but every time he put his phone down, it hurt.

He just needs some time.

In fact, he hadn’t even told Howon when he had asked him his whereabouts. His brother-in-law seemed to understand him, so he had counted on him to not let Sungjong’s family know what had happened. How could he face Mrs. Lee, tell her that her son had left because of something he had done? Sunkyu would have questions he didn’t have the answer to.

Sungjong’s manager, Kihoon, had been in touch with him as well. Apparently, he had asked for an extended vacation, without letting them know what he planned to do with it. Kihoon was furious but Myungsoo couldn’t care less. 

Every morning, he would wake up, kiss Mi goodbye, then go to work, where he took care of business with robotic efficiency. In a way, he had reverted back to the cold chief editor Sungjong had first met a year and a half ago. He knew he still had a beating heart because it still hurt to think of Sungjong and his absence. He knew he was still human because he wished – he yearned for Sungjong’s return. No one at his office dared to question his sudden change in demeanour and he preferred it that way.

The despondency within him was channelled into his work so that when he had approved the design for the early winter issue, he found that the tone of the magazine was dull and buried. Eric expressed his concern about such a subdued issue but Myungsoo couldn’t help but think that theme matched the gloomy weather they were having. It could be just him though. There wasn’t much colour left for him ever since Sungjong had left.

After he returned home, he would spend some time with baby Mi. in fact, that was the only thing that could distract him for some length of time. But even then, when baby Mi would reach out for him or babble in his baby-talk, he would wish that Sungjong was there to experience it with him.

Mi was probably the only anchor to reality he had. Having to live without Sungjong was a nightmare-like experience for him, as if he was stuck in a maze he couldn’t escape from. Everything seemed vacant to him. How long could he continue like this?

At times, he wanted to run to his father and ask him how he did it, how he had managed to never have an argument with his mother. But part of him knew the answer already. It was all about sacrifices – sacrifices you are willing to make for the one you love. Only now he knew how much he could sacrifice for Sungjong. Was it too late?

No, it can’t be, he’ll be back.

A wise man had once told him that love is to struggle. He hadn’t thought too much about it back then. But now he wondered just how much more he had to struggle to finally prove how much he loved Sungjong.