“Our sales rose by 3.4%,” Eric announced cheerfully. If the sales had decreased by 3.4%, he would have sounded just the same.

“Congratulations. Good work everyone,” Myungsoo said. Even to himself, he sounded soulless. He could see the members of the board looking at each other. They knew that something was definitely wrong with their boss and they could guess what.

News about Sungjong’s disappearance had made it to the websites, bringing about a fresh onslaught of heated discussion. The opinions were divided – some believed that the separation meant the end of the Myungsoo-Sungjong couple; other maintained that Sungjong might finally leave Royals and join Star.

“If we continue like this, we can take over Royals soon,” Minho said, no doubt trying to encourage the rest of the editors. Myungsoo felt apologetic – it should have been him. After all, they were following his lead.

“I’m grateful to all of you for not giving up.” Myungsoo looked at them, making eye contact with each person briefly. Woohyun was typing away furiously, taking down the minutes. “We know our quality is better than Royals and we don’t use cheap tricks right them. We’ll take back what we deserve.”

His words were met with loud cheer for the first time in a long time. The expressions on the faces around him changed and he could see that they were pumped up.

Young people, always so excited about competition, he thought fondly. These were the times he was glad he had handpicked a young, vibrant team.

“So, anyone has any new ideas for our next issue?”

A fair number of new ideas were put forward, argued on, and then picked or shelved. He tried to encourage the editors all the time so he never directly rejected any ideas. Most of the time, they were modified with inputs from the other editors to make them work.

Myungsoo listened with interest to what everyone had to say. He had the power to veto any decision that was made as a team but he rarely used it. This time as well, everything ended satisfactorily and he was proud to see how his team was developing.

After he dismissed everyone, they left the room one by one, talking with each other in excited whispers. This was the most animated he had been in the past three weeks and that seemed to have excited his team as well.

When everyone else had left, Minho came up to him, looking embarrassed.

“Is there anything you wanted to discuss?” he asked his executive editor.

“I – is there anything I can do?”

From the tone of his voice, he could guess that Minho was not talking about work. It was a mark of how pitiful he must have seemed for the executive editor to offer help on his personal life. He was touched.

“Er-no, thanks, it’s nothing.”

He was about to get to his feet to leave when Minho continued, “It’s just-I feel so guilty. I was the one who wanted to make him a model, I put it in his head. I just never knew he would change like that…”

Myungsoo’s throat clogged up. With difficulty, he smiled at the man.

“It’s not your fault, or his fault, it’s mine.”

“You didn’t force him to become a model,” Minho protested.

“That’s not the problem, Minho. I just couldn’t treat him right.”

With a sigh, he got to his feet and was almost at the door when Minho almost whispered, “I don’t know if you’ll believe me or not but he was my first love. The first time I really loved someone. But I don’t know if I could love him if he betrayed me like this.”

“You could have, you would have,” he wanted to say but he held back. There was no point explaining it to Minho. He himself had understood it too late.

“I need to get back to work,” he said gently, ready to slip out of the room. Minho nodded.

As he shut the door behind him, he heard Minho say to himself, “I guess I would have still loved him, because-because I still love him.”

Back at his office, Myungsoo was going through a portfolio of a prospective model they were looking to sign. She had already had a few successful stints and fashion pundits were hailing her to be the next big thing after Jiyeon. As he scrutinised her picture, he felt he could see Jiyeon in her, in the corner of and the way she did her eyebrows. Copying a famous model was nothing new but Myungsoo was looking for originality. In fact, that was the thing that had singled Jiyeon out in his eyes.

He was so engrossed in the personal statement written by the model that he didn’t realise his phone was ringing for quite some time. When he picked up his cell phone and checked the caller ID, he was surprised to find that it was a foreign number. For a moment, his heart clenched. If someone was calling him from abroad on his personal cell, it could only be…

“H-hello?”

“I’ll assume you were expecting someone else since you sound very excited.” It took him a moment to place the voice.

“Sunggyu.”

“Glad you still remember my voice. How have you been, Myungsoo?”

To tell the truth, Myungsoo sometimes missed the former executive editor. They had been friends for a longer time than they had been enemies. He had been one man he could look up to for support and advice. If he hadn’t seen the proof with his own eyes, he would have never believed that Sunggyu could betray him.

“Fine, and you?” he said curtly.

“I asked you what would happen in Star HK becomes more successful than Star Magazine, remember?”

Myungsoo remained silent. If Sunggyu was leading Star HK, he was afraid that it was perfectly possible.

“Don’t worry, we’re still not there yet.” Sunggyu laughed. “But you’ll be happy to know we’re one of the top three companies here in Hong Kong. Soon, my friend, soon,” he purred.

Even though he hadn’t spoken in that way, in Myungsoo’s mind, it registered as a threat.

“I’m glad you sent me to Hong Kong. I was able to realise my full potential here, removed from the distractions of Lee Sungjong.”

“Distractions? Why would Sungjong distract you?” he asked sharply.

“Ah,” Sunggyu sighed satisfactorily. “That’s another story.”

He was in no mood to probe his friend – or should he say former friend – for details. Especially not about Sungjong. Just thinking about him brought him immeasurable pain.

“Anyway, how’s your son?”

A lot of people, at least those that had kept up with the media, knew by now about Mi. Sunggyu had probably heard it from Jiyeon before that. With a jolt, he realised that he was talking to Mi’s real father. Did he have no wish to see his son or watch him grow up? But he couldn’t ask him something like that outright because as far as Sunggyu was concerned, Myungsoo didn’t know who Mi’s real father was.

“If you come to Seoul, you can see him for yourself.”

“Unfortunately, I’m really busy at the moment. But I’ll see you at the Hong Kong fashion week.”

“Sir, are you alright?”

There wasn’t on many occasions that his PA had asked him such a question. He probably seemed so rundown that he had caused concern among his colleagues. As much as it touched him, it didn’t bode well. As a leader, he was supposed to be strong.

“I’m fine, Woohyun, don’t worry about it.”

“Sir, if I may…” he hesitated, clearly not comfortable. Myungsoo nodded. Clearing his throat, the PA said quietly but confidently, “He’ll be back, sir.”

There was no doubt who he was talking about but his confidence took Myungsoo by surprise.

“How can you be so sure?” he enquired, curious.

He scratched his head.

“Sungyeol told me, sir.”

“Sungyeol spoke to him?”

“No, sir. He can’t contact him. But he knows Sungjong-ssi very well. And he knows that he loves you very much. That’s why he’s confident he’ll be back.”

Myungsoo didn’t say anything. He only hoped that like last time, Sungyeol was right this time too.

---

For the next three weeks, he avoided reality altogether. He wouldn’t think about Myungsoo or Seoul or anything. He pretended he had a perfect life where he went around LA with Munsoo, his past life forgotten.

In the mornings, he slept late. He woke up to breakfast in bed – Munsoo had taken time off his work. They would laze around the noon, have lunch in small, neat cafes and then go for long drives in the evening. It was like living a dream and Sungjong just didn’t want to wake up. He hadn’t told Munsoo why he was here, and he hadn’t asked. Even if he had understood something, he didn’t say anything and Sungjong wanted it to be that way.

Even within him, he knew that the dream couldn’t last indefinitely. But he was not going to wake himself up. He had switched off his phone and stopped checking his emails. He had only sent two emails after arriving in LA, one to Kihoon to tell him that he would be back on his own he accord and one to Myungsoo, telling him to not look for him. He wondered what his husband would think if he knew he was with Munsoo.

However, he couldn’t feel the regret creeping up his spine and into his head. Every time that happened, he forced himself to think about something else until he couldn’t feel the pain and guilt anymore. He was running from reality, he knew it. But every day, he thought that he would deal with it the next day. That day never came. He was just hoping he would be able to get away with it, although he couldn’t see how. This couldn’t be his life forever. Besides, he didn’t want this to be his life forever. He wanted Myungsoo - Myungsoo without the complications and the fights and the arguments. 

Things couldn’t have gone better between him and Munsoo, until one night, when everything turned upside down. Munsoo had to go to his office for a work emergency, so Sungjong spent the day alone. Towards evening, he found himself at a bar, with a lot of patrons lining up to buy him drinks. He didn’t think too much of it at first, but he had had a bit too much to drink. By the time he sauntered back home, his mind was hazy.

Munsoo opened the door for him, looking concerned. A string of questions followed, like where he had been and why was his phone turned off. Munsoo’s eyebrows were furrowed cutely, he thought. He had never really noticed how he had grown up to have chiselled jaws. He placed his hands on his chest to steady himself, the muscles felt firm under his fingers. Even the smell of his aftershave was seductive, almost tempting him.

“Sungjong, are you alright?” he asked, gripping him by the arms.

Sungjong felt a jolt of electricity racing through his body at the touch. It was the middle of October but he felt sweat trickling down his spine.  

Without a word, he leaned forward and kissed him. When Munsoo didn’t reiterate, he moved back, fixing him with a stare – a special stare that almost always worked. Munsoo’s eyes dipped down; the top two buttons of his shirt were undone. Munsoo’s eyes fixed on his collarbones.

“You must be cold,” he said, trying to do up his buttons for him. Sungjong stopped him.

“Munsoo,” he purred and he could see the struggle in his eyes.

He kissed him once more. This time, Munsoo kissed back.

The next morning, he crept away from Munsoo’s bed, crippled with guilt and self-loathing. He would tell anyone who was willing to listen that he hadn’t meant for it to happen, that, in his right mind, he would have never let it happen.

Weakly, he pulled on some clothes and without waking Munsoo, left the apartment. It wasn’t the kind of situation where he could face his ex-boyfriend, or anyone for that matter. He wanted to clear his head, but more than that, he wanted to wash away his guilt.

I’m sorry Myungsoo, I really don’t deserve you, he thought bitterly as he pictured Myungsoo waiting for him. There was no way for him to know if the elder was indeed waiting for him, but he just knew. He had never been so sure about anything. There was no doubt Myungsoo wouldn’t betray him the way he had.

Suddenly, the realisation of his past mistakes came crashing down upon him, one after the other. Maybe this was what they called epiphany. The moment of truth was in front of him now – his husband had only ever tried to look after him while he had thwarted his actions. Vanity and insincerity had pulled him apart from Myungsoo and he had no redeeming qualities. There wasn’t a single thing he had done right.

I’m so sorry, I only wish I could be half the person you are, Myungsoo.

It was a cold October morning; he shivered in the chilly wind that blew threw his hair and penetrated his thin shirt. He hadn’t brought any warm clothes. Now, he hoped the biting wind would help to wash away his sins.

How much did I hurt you? Was it more than this? Are you still in pain?

If last night hadn’t happened, he would have taken the next flight to Seoul to be in Myungsoo’s arms again. But the irony was, last night had to happen to make him realise how wrong he had been. There was no way for him to take back what he had said, no way to apologise to the man he honestly loved.

How can I face you after this?

Would he forgive him if he fell to his knees and begged for his forgiveness? Perhaps, he would; he was a magnanimous man after all. But Sungjong couldn’t do it, knowing he was his one weakness – he couldn’t take advantage of him like that.

His feet carried him towards the beach. It was still early, and the cold weather didn’t encourage many beachgoers, so when he reached the place, it was deserted. He didn’t mind. He felt even smaller in front of the wide, blue ocean. His guilt was as big as one. Not just last night, but everything he had done in the past one year…he had forgotten himself and turned into the monster he hadn’t wanted to become.

Royals had taken up the game to turn him into a cover boy with conscience as thin as the paper he was printed on and he had been a willing participant. Without protest, he had let all that was good in him slip away.

This is not what I wanted.

He had been so blinded by his success that he had failed to comprehend that his personal life was hitting a rock bottom – he was ignoring his family – his husband, his brother. The ones who had really cared about him had posed as enemies in his mind. Worst of all, he had used an innocent baby to place blame on Myungsoo, to convince himself that Myungsoo was the guilty party. In truth, he had only ever wanted to be famous and successful so that he could be Myungsoo’s equal, so that his husband would be proud of him and love him even more.

At the thought of Mi, his heart constricted painfully. Myungsoo had wanted to give him a home, but Sungjong had been cruel beyond words.

He stood in the cold breeze, trembling from head to foot. Hadn’t he learned anything from his previosu life? Last time, he had an excuse that he had been young. What about this time? For a second, for one wild moment, he wanted to throw himself into the grey waters of the sea in front of him. Someone like him shouldn’t pollute the world with his existence. He wondered how Myungsoo would react if he heard the news that Sungjong was no more. Would he cry at his funeral?

A gust of wind blew through his hair, causing him to teeter.  The wind carried with it a voice, a vaguely familiar voice that spoke in Korean.

“Love is all about making effort for the person you love. The feeling isn’t important, the person is.”

He turned his head so fast that it cricked. To his surprise, the man from the plane was standing beside him, bundled in a long greyish overcoat. He hadn’t realised when he had arrived. Now that he looked at him carefully, he saw that he was older than he had seemed before. He was leaning on a walking stick and his back had a definite curve to it.

“I saw you here the other day, with a friend of yours I presume,” the man said.

“Are you always here?”

The man nodded.

“I thought you’ll come and talk to me.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t notice-”

“You were busy with that young man. He’s handsome. Who is he?”

Sungjong gulped guiltily. Even though the man had no way of knowing what had gone down between them yesterday, he felt that he had an inkling of the truth.

“My-my friend,” he replied briefly.

“So,” he gasped from the sudden cold wind. “Aren’t you going back to Seoul?”

“I-I don’t know,” Sungjong admitted. He at least knew he wasn’t going back to Myungsoo. There was no way he could, after what had happened. He would have to apologise in some other way.

“Too afraid to say you’re sorry?” the man barked. Once again, Sungjong was reminded of a strict teacher.

“After what I’ve done…” Sungjong mumbled, feeling sick.

“With his brother no less.”

His head whipped up.

“How did you know?”

“Oh, I don’t have to know,” the old man waved his hand. “I can see it in your eyes, the guilt, the remorse. You love him. Your husband, not the brother.” The man spoke so certainly that Sungjong wondered if he was an open book.

“I made a terrible mistake,” Sungjong blurted out, his eyes tearing up.

The man nodded gravely.

“Myungsoo will forgive you.”

“He will never-wait, you know Myungsoo?” He blinked rapidly, looking at the man with care. The way he spoke made it seem like he knew Myungsoo.

“I told you before, even when you’re in love, you can make mistakes, you can do wrong. Doesn’t mean it has to end there for you. If nothing else, give him the benefit of the doubt. For your sake, for love’s sake, go back to him and apologise.”

“What makes you so sure Myungsoo will forgive me?” he wanted to know.

“He’s got my blood in him, I know he will.”

Blood? Sungjong’s head spun. Who was this mysterious man who seemed to know them so well? Myungsoo didn’t have any uncles, and besides, this man looked old enough to be his grandfather …

Oh, his grandfather!

Myungsoo had spoken about his grandfather to him. Myungsoo had described him as a half crazy man with wise eyes and a kind heart. He hopped from one country to another all by himself, never staying in a place more than a few months. He was a free spirit. Apparently, Myungsoo hadn’t met him in 3 or 4 years. Could this man really be…

“Look, Munsoo is a nice kid but he has trouble saying sorry. Myungsoo is different though – my bet is, when you go back, he’ll be the first one to apologise.”

“Are you their grandfather?”

The man didn’t say anything. He turned to look at the ocean, his eyes crinkled against the wind.

Sungjong asked another question.

“How do you know them so well? You don’t see them often, do you?”

A fond smile lit up the man’s face.

“You don’t need to see your family to know them, you just know. Besides, what did I tell you?” he raised an eyebrow at him. “I can read people, like I read you.”

Sungjong bowed his head. The man must hate him if he knew him as well as he claimed to, but he didn’t let it out, and for that, Sungjong was grateful. Right now, he couldn’t deal with anyone shaming him outright for his mistakes.

“I was never good enough for him. He gave me a chance, but I-I-” without warning, hot tears started to flood down his face, stinging his eyes.

Once again, he wished he could become one with the vast waters in front of him, so that Myungsoo would never have to set his eyes on him again. He would probably do the world a favour that way.

“You have done something terrible,” the man’s voice broke his stream of thoughts. He had expected to hear disdain in his voice but he only heard a gruff old man. “But, you have shown remorse. And that is the reason why you shouldn’t suffer indefinitely.”

Daring to look up, he saw an unreadable expression in the old man’s weathered face. He was gazing at him sternly.

“Do you know why Myungsoo chose to live the rest of his life with you?”

He thought he did but he shook his head. He wanted to hear from the old man who knew his grandson well.

“Because you are good enough for him. He decided that the day he proposed to you. And you can’t prove him wrong, you owe it to him.”

I owe him so much. But could I tell him the truth, knowing that it will hurt him even more?

“You have to go back Sungjong, you have to apologise.” It was the first time the man had used his name. For some reason, he felt deeply touched. “And if I’m right, he owes you an apology in return.”

“No! He never did – he never-” He had trouble articulating but the old man nodded as if he knew he was trying to say.

“Remember, in a relationship, it always takes two. Two to make it work and two to break it off. So it’s not just you, it never is.”     

 If Sungjong had thought of a rejoinder, he now forgot it. His words were overpowering and they hit him where he was the most vulnerable currently. It made the turmoil tearing his insides apart reside a bit and yet, the pain was no less sharp. It was like being stabbed repeatedly at the same site. 

The weakness in his limbs bothered him. It was as if he had been ill for a long time, but finally, he could raise his head slightly and watch the sun in the distance. After what seemed like ages, he had opened his eyes and had been propped up on his back. He wasn’t well yet, no, but he was better than he had been in a long time. The grisly infestation that had marred his soul for the last one year was finally being sponged out of his body.

It’s time to face my mistakes, he decided.

But despite his resolution, would he be able to face the one person he had wronged the most?

Wouldn’t it be better for him to stay away from Myungsoo, so that the elder could forget him and start anew?