Love is a beautiful thing. And when you’re in love with someone who loves you back, it’s even more beautiful. It’s like the best thing you ever imagined, only a little better.

It hadn’t bothered Sungjong that Myungsoo was in love with someone else – he’d only wished that that person had been him. Truth was, while trying to fall out of love with him, he had just ended up tangled in the web, falling deeply and completely for him. When he had first realized his feelings for Myungsoo, he hadn’t been as much in love as he was now. As time went by, the more he saw him, the more his feelings deepened, even though he knew he was forbidden fruit.

It was the strangest thing ever – he had fallen in love in slow motion, a little every day, one step at a time. It wasn’t one overwhelming moment when he suddenly had an epiphany; it was more ingrained, like he had known it all along. With the realization came the appalling truth – he could never have him. He had his chance and he murdered it with his own hands. That was it.

And then the unexpected happened – something he hadn’t even dared to dream. One confession changed everything.

One kiss – or had it been two kisses, or more – had changed everything. It even changed the sensation of being in love. Loving Myungsoo had been painful; every memory of him had come with a sharp prick from the cold truth of unreciprocated feelings. But now…

It was an explosion of dancing bubbles in his stomach; that, or the most cringe worthy, cheesiest alternative you could find. It was like the pitter patter of the first rain in summer, the dazzling green of dew-soaked grass, the smell of cinnamon in the consistency of hot chocolate.

 If only he could be in his arms…

He did agree to talk to Myungsoo the next day but an opportunity to hold conversation in private was difficult to find. From the morning, he got dragged into a seemingly endless vortex of errands he had to run for Woohyun, who gave him peculiar looks every now and then. At one point he was so confused that he went to the bathroom to check if there was something on his face that warranted the weird looks from the PA. He found nothing, so he had no idea what Woohyun was thinking.

It was a bit strange, the way Woohyun kept on giving him suspicious glances or seemed so much more concerned about what he was doing every moment, but truth be told, his heart was just not here with him – half of his mind was occupied in glorious dreams of him and Myungsoo and they always ended in the two of them kissing. With color rising to his cheeks, he remembered how warm Myungsoo had felt against him. He recalled the tiniest details, like the tilt of the elder’s face, the smell of his aftershave, the strength of his hands…

The thought brought an involuntary smile to his face; he couldn’t help it. He probably looked like an idiot, giggling all to himself. But he couldn’t remember the last time he was this happy. It was like he was floating in midair, the fluttering inside his stomach was incessant. Something sweet and airy filled up his insides; the sensation of invincibility was strong within him.

In a long time, I feel truly happy.

Even Woohyun, with his snarky commands, couldn’t ruin his mood. He went through the chores like they were nothing at all and even Himchan’s judging glare couldn’t bring him down. At lunch, Sungyeol stared at him for five whole minutes before asking him if he was pregnant.

“What?” Sungjong demanded indignantly, having been thrown off his train of thoughts by the ridiculous question.

“You’re glowing!” Sungyeol replied matter-of-factly, still staring at him with unblinking eyes.

Was he so visibly ecstatic? He hadn’t even looked at the mirror this morning because he was too busy replaying the wonderful dreams he had had in his head, and yet his friend complimented him.

So this is how it’s like to be in love…

Ducking his head while blushing, he murmured something about his family, hoping his friend wouldn’t ask any more questions. Sungyeol didn’t let up however, asking him what had happened that made him so happy, so he had to resort to a little bit of emotional blackmailing.

“Your friend’s happy, can’t you be happy about it instead of questioning it?”

“You’re right, I’m sorry,” the elder replied quickly, looking embarrassed.

Thankfully, he changed the topic after that and Sungjong joined in the conversation with ten times more enthusiasm than usual. Most of his words were careless and more than once, Sungyeol had to ask him to explain himself. His head was full of too many ideas at once.

However, the more he thought about the ‘conversation’ they were supposed to have, the more his stomach twisted with an unknown fear. They could talk it out, but what would actually come out of it? Myungsoo was engaged; he was supposed to get married in a fortnight. It was a well-publicized event, so what could he do about it? Even if he loved him, wouldn’t he have to give him up?

The bubbles in his stomach started to pop one by one – he had been deluded into thinking that it was going to be his happily ever after. But if he thought about it logically, Myungsoo’s hands were tied. Would he give up everything just for him? What could he offer the elder anyway that he already didn’t have? Besides, what about Jiyeon? He couldn’t selfishly demand Jiyeon to be moved to the sidelines while he and Myungsoo had their magical reunion.

That doesn’t sound right. Maybe what I’m doing isn’t right.

Whatever hesitations he had had dissolved right away when he saw the elder at the board room. There was an executive meeting and for the first time, he had done his job of taking minutes of the meeting very poorly. How could he focus when Myungsoo was there in the same room as him, talking, moving his hands, nodding? It amazed him to see the elder speaking fluently - was he not feeling what he was feeling? Didn’t his heart shake badly to be so near him?

Their eyes met for one brief moment, making his legs go all jelly-like. It was a good thing he was sitting down or else he would have embarrassed himself in front of everyone in the room. Myungsoo – his eyes were shining, and his lips…he was immediately reminded of the kiss, the feeling of Myungsoo’s lips against his.

How can I not love him?

Minho, who was at the meeting as well, tried to catch his eyes once or twice but he decided to ignore him as politely as he could.

Even though he had defended their relationship in front of Myungsoo, in his mind, he had already decided not to give Minho another chance. He was a great guy, but he was just not the guy for him. He had read the apology letter the executive editor had sent him and had decided on spot – he couldn’t get any closer to Minho. He didn’t seem like the person who could wait for him; he didn’t blame him for it, he just knew that they wouldn’t work out.

Soon after receiving the letter and the bouquet, he had run into the man. He had directly told Minho that he couldn’t reciprocate his love. Minho’s reaction had been strange – he seemed to not believe him. With a wink and a mysterious smile, he had told him that he knew Sungjong would change his mind soon and give him a second chance. Whether it was just his blatant self-confidence talking, he didn’t know. Maybe the man had never been turned down, maybe he believed that it was not possible for anyone to turn him down and Sungjong would eventually fall under the spell again.

But that wasn’t going to happen, not anymore.

To his amazement, he wasn’t even daunted by Sunggyu, who looked in a worse mood than usual, but he had no idea why. Myungsoo couldn’t have told him anything about them already. When he chanced a glance at him, he saw that his eyes were spitting fire. The fear in his heart passed as quickly as a shiver. It was like he had been given an invisible armour and everything just seemed to bounce off it. All he could think of was Myungsoo – that was all his eyes could see.

Feelings, feelings, feelings – that was all he was made up of, not flesh and bones.

Right after lunch break, Woohyun had Sungjong take some files over to Minho’s office. Usually, the PA never missed a chance to go and see Taemin, but from the morning he had noticed that Woohyun didn’t leave him by himself for a single moment.

Groaning from the pins and needles he felt up his spine, he collected the files and started towards Minho’s office. When Taemin saw him, his eyes narrowed immediately.

“What are you doing here?” he asked sharply, his eyes flitting towards the door to Minho’s office momentarily. It was obvious that he was worried that Sungjong had come to see the executive editor.

“Woohyun hyung told me to bring these files.” He handed the bundle to the PA, who took them disinterestedly. His face looked a lot more relaxed now that he knew the reason for Sungjong’s arrival. The way Taemin acted every time Sungjong came near Minho made him think that he was jealous of the close relationship between the two of them. At first he had thought it had something to do with the fact that Minho was the one who had made Sungjong a model and that had hurt Taemin. But looking carefully, it could very well be that the PA harbored a secret crush on his superior.

“What are you smirking about?” he suddenly asked, looking disgruntled. Sungjong hadn’t realized a smile had slipped onto his face. Something was so odd about him today – he’d been smiling for no reason at all.

Pulling the corners of his lips down, he bowed.

“I’ll leave now.”

But he stopped mid-step as Minho suddenly appeared at the door. When he saw Sungjong, his eyes lit up.

“Hey come in,” he said, ushering him towards his office. He must have thought that Sungjong had come to see him.

Shaking his head, Sungjong explained that he had been ordered to drop some files off. But the elder pressed him – in front of Taemin, he couldn’t really make a scene so he followed the man into his office, ready to clear the misunderstanding.

“Hyung look, I’m really indebted to you for everything you’ve done for me and if there’s any way to repay you, I will. But I can’t…I don’t love you,” he blurted out quickly before he had the chance to say anything.

Minho smiled crookedly, his eyes bright. He was just as charming as ever but ever since Saturday, he couldn’t see him in the same light. It was like every time he saw him, it was through a thick, dark screen.

“I know you’re angry at me,” Minho said, bringing his hands together like he was saying a prayer. “I’m sorry and I promise I’ll make it up to you.”

“No, no, it’s not that,” Sungjong tried to explain. Minho thought that it was just a little misunderstanding that would pass, but he had to let him know that this was permanent.

“Look, I’m not going to touch you without your permission anymore.” He raised his hands, showing his palms. “Now can we go on a date? I miss you,” he whined, puffing out his cheeks slightly.

Maybe he had never had someone tell him that they were done with him. No, with his popularity, he had probably been the one to break up with his boyfriends or girlfriends.

“I’m sorry, we won’t work out. I respect you and I’m grateful to you, but I’m not in love with you. Sorry, I have to leave now, Woohyun hyung will be expecting me.” With that, he turned back, ready to leave. Behind him, he heard Minho scoff slightly.

“You’ll be back in two days. And that’s fine, I’ll be waiting for you.”

He groaned inwardly – it was impossible for Minho to believe that there could be someone who wouldn’t be flattered by his attention. He was so used to everyone admiring him that he thought anyone would jump at the opportunity to be in a relationship with him. Honestly, Sungjong might have fuelled his ideas because he had never really shied away from his affection. They even made out, in this very office. But that was flirting at very best. He had never told him that he loved him, and Minho hadn’t either, before the letter, before his need to apologise.

Maybe he’ll know it’s time to move on when I don’t go back to him in two days, he thought with a sigh.

The day passed by fast; he had a lot more to do during the afternoon. There was no opportunity for him to go into Myungsoo’s room since Woohyun seemed to be always there, still keeping a sharp eye on him. He wondered if Sunggyu had actually ordered the PA to keep him under check. It didn’t matter really; it wasn’t like they were going to talk about anything at the office. Here, their relationship was a formal one.

However, even outside the office, he wasn’t sure how much their relationship had changed.

He felt uneasy again, thinking about how Myungsoo was practically a married man. Besides, Jiyeon was so much more than him, how could he even compete with her?

He’s not going to throw me away, is he?

It was too complicated, the situation they were in. Even if they loved each other, how were they supposed to be with each other? Shaking his head, he tried to suppress the anxiety rising inside him. He didn’t want to figure anything out; Myungsoo would do it. He was a lot more matured, he would know what to do. Everything will work out, he told himself. More than assurance, it was a fervent prayer.

Myungsoo left his office exactly at 5 pm, giving Sungjong a long side glance that Woohyun didn’t miss. Sungjong finished up quickly, Woohyun being excessively fussy for some reason, making him take care of the smallest details. He usually left 5 minutes after Myungsoo but today Woohyun kept him until a good 30 minutes had passed, for no real reason. When he finally put on his coat, it was getting dark outside.

They hadn’t decided to meet up anywhere so he expected his phone to ring any moment. Taking the side street he always did, he hummed breezily. For some reason, he felt lighter than he had felt in one whole month. True, he hadn’t still spoken to Myungsoo but he was relieved that he had been able to see the familiar face from eight-years’ ago. It was like finding a lost love, the relief, the happiness.

When 5 minutes passed by without any call from Myungsoo, he started to get worried. Had he forgotten about him? Or had he realized that renewing his relationship with Sungjong had been a mistake?

No, he can’t have changed his mind like this…

As he thought more about it, a sour taste developed in his mouth. The truth was, Jiyeon was still Myungsoo’s fiancée and if he met him like this, it would be unfair to her.

Suddenly, a car whooshed past and screeched to a halt by his side, jolting him out of his thoughts. Before he could react in any way, the door to the back passenger seat was thrown open. There was a man inside, smiling at him, beckoning him to get in.

As a child, Sungjong had been warned copiously about not getting into cars with strangers. But he got in anyway, because this stranger was a familiar one.

---

The moment Sungjong had closed the door behind him, Myungsoo leaned forward. He had been itching to kiss the younger ever since last night. There had been no opportunities at the office, neither to talk, nor to kiss him. He had figured that kidnapping him after work would be the only way he would be able to spend some quality time with him.

To his surprise though, Sungjong shied away to one corner, turning his face the other way.

“What?” he asked, confused.

“Not until we talk it out,” the younger said adamantly.

“Of course we’ll talk. Look, we’re going to a restaurant right now to talk. But what does that have to do with anything?” He knew he was unintentionally raising his voice, a bad habit he had adopted, but the sound-proof partition between the driver and them ensured no sound would escape to the driver.

He was hurt, to say the least. He had spent the whole day wanting to be with Sungjong, his heart thrumming with excitement. This was not the response he had expected from the younger, especially after how eager he had seemed yesterday.

“It’s just…” Sungjong moved closer to him, looking conflicted. “I loved last night. When I kiss you, it makes me feel different. I mean I have done this before, but no one made me feel the way you do. I’m afraid if we continue this, I’ll get addicted to it.” He paused, looking down at his hands.  “I don’t have a problem with that but before I grow dependent on you, I want to know for sure you’ll be there. Right now, you’re an engaged man. That’s why we have to talk first. I want you so much but I’m afraid that you might not want me the same-”

“Trust me Sungjong, it’s not possible to want someone more than I want you. I have always wanted you,” he assured calmly.

Maybe he had sounded a bit cold while saying it. There was a look of fear and shame in Sungjong’s eyes as he started to tear up. Myungsoo quickly placed his hands on his shoulder and said, softly, “But we’ll do it your way. Let’s have food and talk, we have all the time in the world for anything else anyway.”

That cheered him up, and he leaned his head on Myungsoo’s shoulder, speaking to him in soft tones. Myungsoo was worried about this – he had grown so used to not talking in conversations that he was anxious about making the younger uncomfortable. He needn’t have worried though, because with Sungjong, words came easy, like he had been dying to speak.

They talked about their days, while Sungjong played with Myungsoo’s fingers. The little touches were enough to send his spine tingling. It was oddly relieving to feel Sungjong’s weight against him. The touch of the younger man comforted him. It was like he had been a restless storm all this time, fighting against himself.

Beneath his calm, cold façade, he had been actually braving the stormy sea. He had grown so accustomed to it that the war within him had become involuntary, but it was still raging on. If someone asked him how much he loved Sungjong, he wouldn’t be able to answer in words. What he did know was that eight years had done nothing to make him forget the younger; his memory had been a constant dull pain, and he was sure that it would have been the same whether eight years passed, or twenty-eight, or eighty.

This unification with Sungjong was enough to calm the stormy seas of his heart. Last night, he had a peaceful, dreamless sleep. When he had woken up, the feeling of bitterness against the world that usually accompanied him every morning was gone. It was like he was twenty again, fresh, free, and in love.

I don’t want to lose this sensation ever again. I don’t want to lose him ever again.

Finding Sungjong again, connecting with him, had made him find himself, his real self. He was infinitely glad for it, because the past few years had been terrible for him. He told himself everything was alright, but actually, he was swimming in a vortex of dark energy. It wasn’t called living – he was simply a mechanical being, going to work and drinking at home. Sungjong made him feel alive. It was like he was the body, but Sungjong was his heart and soul.

When they arrived at the restaurant, where he had made a reservation earlier, a tall, blonde waitress showed them to their table. After he had ordered for Sungjong, who was having a hard time deciding what to have, he asked for the wine menu.

“You’re not getting drunk when we’re about to talk,” the younger said firmly, wrenching the menu out of his grip and returning it to the waitress with a smile.

Laughing, he settled for soft drinks. They chatted for a while, talking about nothing in particular. Then they started going back down the lane, talking about what they had been doing all these years; they had a lot to catch up on.

When Sungjong started talking about his University life, he could confirm what Yonghwa had told him – doused in alcohol, he had spent more time partying than in classes. And then there was a list of douchebags he had dated, too many one night stands to remember. What touched him was the fact that the younger was willing to share the worst of himself with him. It must be difficult for him to talk about his unruly past but it seemed like he wanted to start off with a clean slate.

“I was a wreck,” he finished sadly, looking down at his napkin.

Myungsoo took his hand in his, rubbing soothing circles on the back of his palm. He felt a bit uncomfortable, wondering whether he should tell him about Yonghwa and how he had been privy to his past life even before he confessed to him. Would the younger be embarrassed if he knew that Myungsoo had known all about his wild life before he had confided in him?

“It happens, look at me…I’m not as collected as I look on the outside. When I think about the past Myungsoo, I shudder.”

But that didn’t seem to cheer him up; he still looked miserable. So instead, he pressed his legs against Sungjong’s, making him squirm a little. He had never really learned the basics of flirting – as far as he could remember, he had never hit on anyone. But having Sungjong around sent his heart into stupid little fits that made him want to do something embarrassingly cheesy.  He tried again, pressing against Sungjong’s legs harder. It was actually more to cheer him up than to flirt, and it worked. Finally, the younger cracked a smile. Hitting him slightly on the side of his leg, he said, “Well, at least you achieved something great.”

“You will too, you still have ages to go before you reach my age.”

“Ages? Exactly how old do you think you are?”

“Old enough to know I don’t want anyone else other than you,” he whispered, causing a faint blush to appear on his cheeks.

They spent the rest of the dinner casually chatting, laughing, and giggling. How long had it been since he had actually laughed? He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt such unchecked joy. He even teased Sungjong, who smacked him on the hand angrily, and looked horrified the next moment.

Just as short-tempered as ever!

“I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s okay, I’m not your boss out here,” he assured him, rubbing the spot where he had hit him, pretending to wince. Sungjong quickly grabbed his hand, squeezing the spot urgently and looking apologetic.

Before he could refuse, he snatched his hand and raised it to his lips, pressing a soft kiss on his skin.

Sungjong looked mortified, colour rising on his cheek fast. It was an adorable sight that made his heart skip a beat. In the past 24 hours, he had felt a wide range of emotions he didn’t even know he could feel. It was kind of like when he was first in love, but better.

How did I survive without him all these years?

When they went back to the car after dinner, they still hadn’t talked about the future, even though they had a good time at the restaurant. However, it wasn’t the type of place where you could have a serious heart-to-heart, as he found out.

“Let’s go to my place,” Myungsoo suggested.

Sungjong shook his head vehemently. Finally, they decided on a place the younger used to frequent before. Hopping onto the car, he was about to close the door, when something strange caught the corner of his eyes. The waitress who had served them earlier was standing against the glass front of the restaurant, staring at them intensely.

He searched his mind to see if he knew her, but he couldn’t recall. He was a regular at this restaurant but he didn’t really remember seeing her before. Shoving it out of his mind, he pulled Sungjong close, putting an arm around him and kissing the top of his head.

I didn’t even know how much I’ve missed you.

They were at Han River. It was late, so there were only a few people around, mostly drunk teenagers. They chose a deserted spot, ensuring no one on the streets would be able to see them easily.

Myungsoo stretched out on his back on the grass, putting his arm out and nodding at Sungjong to join him. Glancing around furtively, the younger lied down, resting his head on Myungsoo’s arm, looking up at the sky. The night was drowned in stars; the view from here was wonderful.

Even yesterday, he couldn’t have imagined this situation – it would have to be a distant dream, one that would never come true. And yet, here he was, with Sungjong of all people. Inhaling deeply, he took it all in, the scent of the night, the grass, the river, Sungjong…

I’m the luckiest person alive.

Sungjong was the first to break the silence.

“So…” he said softly, smacking his lips nervously.

“So?”

“I’ll go first,” he said, his voice trembling. “Thanks for that night when Minho hyung…I can’t thank you enough. I never thanked you for the night you brought me home either, so…thank you so much.”

“You don’t have to-” he was going to say, but the look on the younger’s face told him that it was important to him to say it out loud. “Okay fine,” he agreed. “You’re welcome. And I’ll make sure it never happens again, I scraped Minho’s fall line project.”

When Sungjong turned sideways to look at him, apparently stricken, he assured him, “Don’t worry, I’ll let him design something for the next issue, only he’s not getting you as a model, ever.”

“Oh,” Sungjong replied, sighing with relief. Drawing a deep breath, he proceeded, “And I’m sorry for ruining your magazine, I don’t know what possessed me-”

“You didn’t ruin-”

“No, please listen to me,” he begged, “I need to get this out of my system. I’m extremely sorry for what I’ve done. I promise to be a better assistant PA.”

It had happened so long ago, he was surprised that the younger even brought it up. It must have been bothering him on the inside. Smiling, he repeated, “I forgive you.”

“And finally,” his voice shook and he flinched as if he was in pain, “what I did to you eight years ago…I know there’s nothing I can say and do to make up for it-”

“Actually,” Myungsoo cut him across, turning his head sideways to look into his eyes. “There is something.”

It had occurred to him all of a sudden – he could ask for something from the younger, couldn’t he? He might not owe him anything but he could make one request, couldn’t he?

“Just promise me you’ll never hurt me again, you’ll always be by my side. You’ll never ever leave, just give me that.”

“But I-”

“No, Sungjong,” he said earnestly, placing a hand on his cheek, “you don’t how important this is to me. The greatest gift you could give me is by being by my side. I love you like no one has ever loved anyone before, I’m sure of it. I love you Sungjong, and I need you to know that your love means everything to me. I’ll forgive you, for everything, just tell me.”

His eyes were beseeching as he stared intensely. His free hand came up to rest on his cheek softly. He felt his supple skin under his finger as the starlight reflected off his eyes. All he knew was, if Sungjong was by his side, he wouldn’t want anything else.

He had been hurt, for eight long years, he had been hurt. Even as he yearned for the younger, even as his maimed heart called out for Sungjong pathetically, he had been in pain. And when they had met again, he had ended up hurting Sungjong. But because of all the ache, because of everything they had been through, he knew it was real. It wouldn’t have affected him this much if he hadn’t given so much of his heart to Sungjong. And now, it all made sense.

If you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only love.