“No, this is not it, either!” Minho said in a frustrated voice, slamming his fist on the table.

He was hunched over beside Myungsoo, who was sitting on a revolving chair in front of the table with the computer linked to the camera equipment. They were at the studio, where the screening photo shoot for Minho’s new jeans collection was underway. Normally, Myungsoo wouldn’t sit in on photo shoots but since Sungjong was a new model, he had come to check on the progress.

At first, when he had first given Sungjong the job, he had waited for this moment – the moment when Sungjong humiliate himself in front of a camera. The Sungjong he had known previously would probably have been at his element at the shoot - he had always begged to be worshipped my camera lenses. However, that boy had grown into a different man. This man would probably embarrass himself.

Am I really here to laugh at him or protect him?

But things had changed for Myungsoo now. After hearing what Yonghwa had to say about Sungjong, he didn’t know what to think anymore. It was like his thoughts had come to a standstill; his feelings were confused into surrender.

However, his reaction had been quite opposite to what he had expected from himself. When he had finished listening to Yonghwa, he had been filled with anger. But soon, it had been replaced by something different - a deeper understanding of the situation rather than plain hatred towards the younger. It was like his head had been cleared in a long time, the blindfold had been lifted from over his eyes.

He had never thought that the younger could get any worse than what he had already been in school, but turned out, he was wrong. There was no reason not to believe what his friend had told him about Sungjong’s wild days at university – his vanity and lack of commitment hadn’t really come as a surprise; his personality had just been magnified with age.

What surprised him was what happened afterwards. What could have been so life-altering that the Sungjong he met was so different from the one Yonghwa had described? Why had he become the person he was right now – shy, insecure, malleable, easily intimidated?

The massive change he had undergone was a lot more impressive than Myungsoo had imagined. It was as if all his structures were broken and rebuilt to reflect everything he had never been. rather than what he had been, Myungsoo was more shocked about what he had become now and why.

He himself had changed a lot – he had retracted himself, pushing himself into a corner and built walls all around to protect him. The reason he needed shielding from everything around him was because his heart was just as vulnerable as Sungjong had left it. If Sungjong had done the same, didn’t it mean that he was hurt beyond repair as well?

Yonghwa had spoken a little about Sungjong’s abusive boyfriends – had they scarred him for life? If he had been hurt by them, did it mean he had loved them? How many people had he loved?

But more importantly, if this Sungjong was broken, if he was really different from what he had been, was it possible for him to lie?

So when he told me he loved him, did he really mean it?

“I’m sorry, this is taking some time.” The sudden voice beside him made him jump. It was Niel, who was helping Minho out with this collection, carrying a clipboard and wearing a tight-lipped smile. He was probably a bit exasperated as well.

Until now, nothing much had happened except that Minho was growing more and more frustrated by the minute. His hair was disheveled, from running his fingers through his hair too many times; his sleeves were rolled up, his tie hanging loose. No one had ever seen him lose composure like this.

It wasn’t that Sungjong was doing a bad job, Myungsoo was actually quite impressed with him. Really, it was in his blood to be a model. The figure-hugging jeans were doing an excellent job flattering Sungjong’s natural gifts, and he listened to the art director and the photographer well, posing exactly like they wanted him to.

However, Minho kept on cancelling the shots, discussing with the art director and the photographer about how he wanted the shots to be. Normally, the fashion designer didn’t have this much say in the photo shoots but Minho was the executive editor, so the shots wouldn’t make it into the magazine if he said no to them.

Myungsoo wasn’t exactly sure what Minho wanted from the shoot – the pictures that had already been taken had some really good cuts that could definitely make it to the magazine but it seemed that the executive editor was after something else. He probably had a whole scenario in his head that just wasn’t playing out in reality. 

The editor had half a mind to leave, seeing that the team wasn’t making much progress with the shoot. He had other more important things to attend to, but for some reason, he felt compelled to stay. Sungjong looked nervous, as he watched Minho talk and gesture wildly to the photography team. He was biting his lips, probably unconsciously as he shuffled from foot to foot. No doubt he was beating himself up internally when in reality, it was not his fault. Sighing, Myungsoo stood up from his chair and walked up to him, a strange gurgling dominating his stomach.

His brain kept on whispering that it was a bad idea but he reasoned that he was approaching the younger in professional capacity – right now, he was a model and he was the chief editor of the magazine.

“Stop biting your lips, you’ll draw blood,” he ordered the younger sternly as he reached him.

“S-sorry.” Sungjong started, then seeing who it was, bowed low. When he had raised his head, he kept his eyes lowered, fidgeting with his fingers. His right foot was tapping the ground softly, almost as if he wasn’t aware of it.

As much as he didn’t want to think about it, he was amazed at how much Sungjong had changed. This posture, these nervous gestures, the inability to look someone in the eye – these used to be Myungsoo’s traits, especially when he had been in front of the younger. After all this time, he was the one staring down on him.

“Stop trying to force those emotions. It doesn’t matter what the photographer says, always give an honest expression, understand?”

He nodded, blinking rapidly. Myungsoo was momentarily distracted by how long and elegant his eyelashes were.

“Stop trying to impress people. That never works. If you think you can’t pull it off, don’t. Say it.” He glanced sideways to see if the younger was listening. His gaze was still directed to the ground but he was nodding frequently. He was about to say something when Minho joined them with a strange glint in his eyes.

“I think I know what I need,” he said gravely, looking at the editor longingly.

“What?”

“You. I mean you’re the best fashion photographer ever, if anyone can change the course of this shoot, you can.” He looked at Myungsoo expectantly. Sungjong had looked up, a stunned expression on his face.

The idea sounded ridiculous. Myungsoo shook his head.

“I’m not a photographer anymore, remember?”

“Myungsoo please, just do this one shoot. You don’t have to do the others. Just show them how it’s done. Sungjong deserves it.”

The editor balked, hearing Sungjong’s name dragged into it. That didn’t change anything. But all the same, he wavered a bit.

If he took up the camera, it wouldn’t be for Sungjong, but because of the model he thought had immense potential and he could do something about it.

It’s for the magazine, for my magazine.

Sungjong however didn’t look amused at all by the idea. He had stiffened considerably, his lips had gone pale, and he had a fearful look in his eyes. Of course he didn’t want Myungsoo anywhere near him, not after the way he had treated him. All of the younger’s actions right now was telling him that he was not wanted.

Fair enough, I deserve it.

He was not going to force himself on someone who was not willing. Turning to Minho, he said, “I’ll talk to Brian and give him some advice on how to alter the set. And send Junhong to me.”

He went back to his seat, where the art director and photographer met him; he started to discuss their ideas, point out the mistakes and suggested changes. His goal was to make the model stand out as much as possible. With Sungjong’s timid personality right now, they would have to dampen the surroundings. But with every shoot, he was expected to grow bolder and the surroundings would be adjusted accordingly.

When he was done talking to them, he told Niel that he was leaving. Niel asked if he wanted to talk to the executive editor before going. He replied in the negative but his eyes caught something – in one corner of the room, Minho had his arms wrapped around Sungjong’s waist from the back, his chin resting on his shoulder. There was a bright red tint on Sungjong’s cheeks, his chin pressed against his chest in apparent embarrassment. There was a smile on Minho’s face as he whispered something in the younger’s ears, brushing his cheek against his.

A jolt of electricity speared across his body. He could see a few of the staff sniggering, enjoying the show. A volcano erupted within him and he had to stop himself from forcefully from ripping Minho away from Sungjong, maybe even hitting him violently.

I shouldn’t react like this, he thought, I shouldn’t care.

It shouldn’t matter to him what Minho and Sungjong did – they were probably sleeping together anyway. An invisible fist slapped against his mouth, as if it was trying to prevent him from thinking about Minho and Sungjong’s relationship.

It’s not my business anymore. It never was, to begin with.

Even though he was getting married soon, he found no room for Jiyeon in his thoughts. He hated himself for being so weak. Maybe he was wrong, maybe he wasn’t strong enough to handle Sungjong’s presence. Sunggyu had feared that this could happen. Maybe the man knew Myungsoo wasn’t strong enough.

At this rate, the only option was to get rid of Sungjong. Out of sight, out of mind. It would be the best for the both of them.

But there was something stopping him, something telling him to hold on to him.

Will you lose him twice?

A throbbing pain filled his senses. Closing his eyes briefly, he let the wave of nostalgia and despondency crash all over him.

He was never mine to begin with.

---

When Minho was finally satisfied, he gave the signal for the team to pack up, then approached Sungjong, telling him that he could change. Sighing with relief, Sungjong immediately rushed to the changing room, quickly pulling off the tight jeans – they were cutting off the circulation in his legs. He moved his legs around, trying to get feeling back in them. His usual pants felt like heaven compared to the jeans as he pulled them on. He made a mental note to tell Minho to alter the sizes of the jeans if he wanted him to keep wearing them.

He was about to take off his shirt when the curtain moved and Minho’s head peeked in, startling him.

“What the – oh hey, what…”

“Just checking if you’re done,” Minho said innocently, his mouth stretching into a big smile.

Sungjong scoffed.

“You could have just asked.”

“I know, I wanted to surprise you. And the look on your face is priceless!”

Using his index finger, he poked Minho on the forehead. “Okay, you had your fun, now let me change. I’m hungry,” he whined.

Laughing, Minho pulled back the curtain, saying, “Let’s go out for dinner, I’m starving. My treat.”

Sungjong was sure there was a stupid smile on his face as he quickly changed back into his own shirt. The executive editor could be so childish at times. Greasiness usually made his skin crawl but Minho’s cheesiness seemed sincere and endearing; there was no way anyone could get mad at him. He had seen how professional he could be when his work needed him to be, but at other times he was so easygoing and sweet – once again Sungjong was confused – how could someone be so perfect?

He’s just too good to be true…too good.

He had conditioned his mind to think about Minho and Minho alone. He was a bit startled when Myungsoo had turned up at the shoot, but he focused on Minho with all his energy, pushing out any thoughts of the chief editor. It was a constant battle of pushing out unwanted thoughts, but he had a grip on it.

However, thinking about Minho all the time had its negative effects. The rumours about Minho came back to him more often; most people thought he was a player. Could he be just misunderstood? Having been a victim of rumours himself, Sungjong could understand Minho’s position. The whole company believed complete lies about him without even trying to verify them; the same probably had happened with Minho. Besides, everyone made mistakes. If the executive editor had indeed made mistakes in the past, he shouldn’t be judged by them in the present. Sungjong, of all people, knew how important that was.

When he came out of the stall, the room was empty. Minho had probably popped back outside. Grabbing a tissue paper, Sungjong started to take off the eyeliner he was wearing, when Niel entered.

“Hey, Minho hyung said he’s going to be waiting for you in the lobby,” he informed.

“Oh, er, thanks.” Sungjong bowed, not knowing what else to say. He had met Niel a few times since he was helping Minho out on the collection. He didn’t know much about him, but he seemed like a decent guy.

“Great job today by the way, you improved a lot. I’m sure when we take the final pictures, you’ll be amazing.” Niel smiled at him, his eyes enthusiastic.

Sungjong thanked him for his faith in him; it was quite unusual.

“Umm…can I ask you something?” Niel looked hesitant. He picked up a lip gloss and started twirling it between his fingers unconsciously.

When Sungjong nodded, he asked, “Are you…I mean, you and Minho hyung…are you two dating?”

He was not expecting this question. Of course people were talking about it behind his back but he hadn’t expected someone would actually bring it up in front of him. However, he would rather people confirmed the story with him rather than say whatever they thought was true.

Unfortunately though, he didn’t know how to answer that question because he wasn’t sure himself. Their relationship was ambiguous – they were friends for sure, but he was certain they had crossed that line when they had made out. But they hadn’t discussed where it made them stand; everything between them was so natural that none of them had raised any questions.

Minho hyung…what is he to me? I don’t know myself.

“It’s…it’s not exactly that,” he replied cautiously, not wanting to lie to Niel. “We just…it’s kind of complicated.”

Nodding understandingly, Niel said, “It’s alright, I was just curious. He broke up with Seujong a few months ago, so I wondered…”

The unexpected information slapped him across the face – Minho had been going out with Seujong recently? How recent? Before or after he had met Sungjong? A cold fear gripped him – was this the black spot he had been waiting for, the missing link to Minho’s inexplicable perfection?

So…what does this mean?

“Don’t worry about it, his relationships don’t last long anyway,” Niel added, trying to comfort him.

But he was anything but comforted. Now that he thought about it, Seujong had been disapproving of him. Was he the reason the two had broken up? He wasn’t narcissistic enough to think that he had caused the divide between the couple but there was a slight chance… Or maybe Minho had leaned towards him because he had been upset by the break-up? He had shown no signs of it though, but maybe he had been hiding it?

“I just thought…I mean you went to his place, right? So I thought…”

“His cousin was there as well,” Sungjong replied through clenched teeth. If people were already spreading rumours about him being at the executive editor’s place, he needed to clear things out with as many people as possible. “It was just a visit-”

“Cousin, what cousin? He doesn’t have any cousins, not in Seoul anyway.”

Trying to keep his calm, he explained about Hyunshik. Niel however scoffed.

“Hyunshik is not his cousin. He used to be his boyfriend. He tried out for our magazine, that’s when they met. But Hyunshik got kicked out. I thought they broke up a long time ago. Maybe he gave him a booty call or something.”

Speechless, he stared at the other man blankly, feeling his muscles becoming paralysed. All the trust he had built around Minho came crumbling down.

What else did he lie about?

“Anyway, I’ll get going now.”

Sungjong followed him out of the changing room. They parted by the elevator. Still pondering what Niel had said about Minho, Sungjong took the elevator to the ground floor, where he met the executive editor by the lobby. He greeted him with a wide smile.

“Where shall we go?” he asked.

“I think I’ll just go home,” Sungjong replied, feeling washed up. The physical tiredness was nothing compared to how weary his mind felt. For one moment, he wanted to forget everything and drown in peace.

“Oh, is that an invitation?”

“Uh – what?”

“Dinner at your place then?” Minho’s eyes crinkled up and Sungjong’s shaking heart did a flip. If he really was what others made him to be, he was very good at fooling people, making them trust him and feel that that smile, that sweet dimple, those sunshine eyes for him or her only.

“If you want to,” he replied half-heartedly. He wished he was half as good as him at controlling his emotions. He didn’t want to offend him directly; at the same time he didn’t know how to handle what he knew about him.

The journey to his flat was quiet. Even Minho’s driving was dull. He spoke about Myungsoo briefly, praising him for the first time in front of Sungjong. Seizing the chance, the younger asked something he had always wanted to know.

“How long have they been dating?”

“Myungsoo and Jiyeon?” Minho shrugged. “Jiyeon liked him for ages I think, ever since he was her photographer. I guess she knows gold when she sees it. But they got together after Myungsoo was promoted to chief editor.”

Maybe asking the question wasn’t such a good idea. He knew the executive editor hadn’t meant it that way but the casual remark had scratched his heart – it was picked up as a taunt by his ears.

She knows gold, but you didn’t - a nasty voice remarked in his head. You thought he wasn’t worth your time but look at you now, pining for him.

“It got everyone talking. Everyone thought Myungsoo was gay. His mom was once interviewed, you should have seen it. She screamed for ages, saying that her son wasn’t gay, as if it’s some kind of a disease.” He laughed loudly as if it was the funniest thing he had ever seen. “Old Mrs. Kim, I wonder if she forced Myungsoo to go out with Jiyeon to prove he isn’t gay.”

Sungjong shuddered involuntarily. He remembered Mrs. Kim – she was a short, chubby lady with tight, pale skin. At first she had liked him a lot, but when she got to know about Myungsoo’s affection towards him and caught him and Munsoo kissing in his room, she had turned absolutely awful towards him. Banning him from entering her house, threatening to call his parents, even the police, telling him to stay away from his sons – she had run the whole mile. He despised her, but at the same time, he could understand her. He was the reason the relationship between the brothers had been ruined, Myungsoo left home, Munsoo went to college abroad, and the brothers turned against their mother. In a way, he was responsible for scattering the Kim family.

What have I done?

“Are you alright?” Minho asked in a concerned voice. He had been quiet for too long.

Assuring him that he was just tired, he leaned back on his seat, closing his eyes so that he didn’t have to talk Minho. His brain needed to rest.

When they arrived at his flat, Sungjong quickly threw on an apron and started on dinner. He had not been expecting a guest so started opening cupboards and refrigerators, praying that he had enough to cook a meal for two. He had shown Minho to the living room, handing him the remote control to the TV, but after a minute or two, the man wandered into the kitchen.

“I want to help,” he said, looking around.

“It’s fine, I can manage, you should rest.”

“You need to rest more than I do.”

Drowning out his protests, he started to hum loudly, putting on a spare apron and starting to cut up the vegetable Sungjong had put on the counter.

“If you don’t mind me asking,” Minho said, dropping the diced vegetable into the pan, “your parents…”

“They don’t live here. My dad took an early retirement and went back to our countryside house in Gwangju. He and mom got tired of Seoul.”

In fact, they had gotten tired of their son as well. Sungjong had been out of bounds ever since he had entered University and depressed by his actions, they had moved far away so that they didn’t have to see what would eventually become of him.

After he had gotten the job, Sungjong had called them to let them know. They had been fairly surprised but happy as well and had asked him to visit. Things were actually beginning to look up between them and with luck, he would be able to repair the relationship.

Minho seemed content with the information. He approached Sungjong, wrapping his arms around his waist, snuggling close to him while brushing his cheek against Sungjong’s. Sungjong had never been hugged before in this way by anyone else and it got to him every time. Minho smelled like cinnamon and felt like warmth – it was a blissful combination. But today, Sungjong had something in his mind that didn’t let him quite enjoy the hug. He tried to shrug the elder off; he responded by kissing him on the cheek.

He continued to litter the side of his face with kisses and Sungjong found it increasingly difficult to ignore him. Finally, they were done cooking, with the rice left to be boiled. Measuring out a generous amount into the rice cooker, Sungjong set the timer, taking off his apron.

“We have to wait for 30 minutes,” he told Minho. “What do you want to do?”

“How about showing me around?”

“What’s there to see in my apartment? I’m sure you have a nicer one.”

“Oh how about…your bedroom?” he was suppressing a laughter as he tried to accomplish a suggestive eyebrow wiggle.

Sungjong showed him in – it wasn’t a pleasant sight. He hadn’t made his bed before leaving in the morning and there were magazines he had been going through to research poses strewn all around the room. Blushing slightly, he apologized but Minho didn’t seem to hear him. He reached him in a flash and gripped his wrists. Sungjong let himself get dragged to the bed and pinned against it. He wasn’t really surprised when Minho’s lips descended on his, his tongue flicking against them. One of his hands was on his waist, the other at the back of his neck. He felt more and more of their bodies touch, Minho’s legs wrapping around his.

It wasn’t unpleasant but something about it was off, like a wrong chord. Every time he had kissed Minho, he couldn’t do so without feeling guilty and a sense of emptiness. He wasn’t sure what it was about. He had a gut feeling that this was to do with Myungsoo; but how could he feel guilty about betraying someone who belonged to another person.

And there was still the thing about Minho and Seujong. Between Myungsoo’s engagement and Minho’s dating history, Sungjong felt lost and forlorn.

“You don’t like it,” he finally commented when Sungjong had not responded. “What’s wrong, tell me.” He moved away from him, giving him room to breathe. He had an apologetic look on his face.

Sungjong took the opportunity to sit up. Taking Minho’s hand in his, he said, “I’m just confused. I’m sorry…it’s complicated. I don’t mean to hurt you but…”

“You heard something about me, didn’t you?” the executive editor cut across him, his tone flat. “Someone said something about me that finally got to you?”

Knowing nothing good would come out of keeping it a secret, he explained what Niel had told him. Biting his lips, Minho said, “Does it bother you that I dated a girl?”

“It’s not that, I just…why did you break up with Seujong?”

“Isn’t it obvious?”

Sungjong blinked; he honestly had no clue.

Sighing, Minho placed a hand on his head, brushing the locks out of his eyes.

“Because I met you.” Sungjong’s eyes widened, causing him to back-track quickly. “I mean we weren’t working out anyway. She wasn’t the one for me, and when I saw you…I just knew you are the one.” When the younger didn’t look convinced, he pressed on. “Look, I’m not what everyone makes me out to be. It was just a normal break-up, a mutual one.”

Sungjong wanted to believe him so much, but could he really?

 “And about Hyunshik…you lied to me…”

Minho’s lips parted as he moved closer to Sungjong. Blowing air out of his mouth, the elder said, “You would have gotten the wrong idea if I told you the truth. He was simply helping me out because I suddenly fell sick and you know my parents or relatives live in UK. I had no one else to call.”

Sungjong was suddenly overcome with regrets – had he made wrong choices again? Even though he couldn’t be directly blamed for Minho’s break-up, wasn’t he somehow responsible? He should have found out if Minho was dating someone before running off to him at every opportunity and using him for support. Surely, the circulation of the rumours had made Seujong suspicious.

Is this how my life is going to be, full of bad choices?

“Please understand, I lied to avoid false suspicion,” Minho emphasized, a helpless look in his eyes. Taking Sungjong’s hand, he placed it over his heart, staring at him pleadingly. “Trust me.”

Sungjong didn’t know what to believe. His worst decision was probably to push away Myungsoo. If he had been by his side, he would have been able to guide him, help him to distinguish right from wrong.

Why did I lose him so easily?

Minho’s hands moved up to cup his cheeks. “I didn’t believe all those rumors about you, I believed you – the person I see right in front of me. Shouldn’t you do the same for me?”

No matter how he saw it, the man seemed sincere.  There was no way he could be looking him straight in the eyes and lying to him, was there? The bed felt uncomfortable under him, as he sat there, his heart racing at the possibility that the man in front of him could be the biggest jerk he’d ever dated or the nicest person ever – either a blessing from heaven or an absolute curse.

How do I decide? Why should I have to decide?

“Sungjong, I’ll never hurt you,” Minho whispered, leaning in for a soft kiss. His lips grazed against his as he gathered him in his arms. For now, he decided to believe him. After all, he had indeed trusted in Sungjong’s words and not in the rumours. It’s almost as if he owed him his trust.

But no matter how much Minho smothered him in affection, his last thought before falling asleep at night was still about Myungsoo.

The younger felt a few tears roll across his cheeks.

How he wished the arms belonged to Myungsoo. If only he had never let him go …

But then, he was never mine to begin with.