Yongbae

JiYong had texted me, telling me about how Hana had just gone home after her mother had called. From what I had read of JiYong’s notes and worked out myself from my sessions with Hana, I knew that something was going to happen this time. That this time something was going to break her.

Instantly I packed up my things and rushed over to her apartment. The door was open when I got there, I don’t think Hana even had the energy to close it when she got home. Walking inside I call out her name.

“Hana?”

Nothing.

“Hana?” I walk further inside.

Crying.

From the bathroom. I make my way over and find the door closed. Probably for privacy reasons, Hana was admit about the amount of privacy she needed.

So I knock. “Hana, its Doctor Yongbae, I am here to check on you. I am going to come in okay?”

Not even waiting for a reply I open the door.

JiYong

Yongbae arrived first.

He found her after I had told him what I knew.

Mum called, I am going home. Is what she had said. That was it, before that it had been cheerful, she had been cheerful. Or at least… she looked it.

Recalling a conversation I had with her not too long ago, I sigh. “You don’t have to be sad to be depressed.” She explained to me, “I am not sad… I don’t feel it… I don’t feel anything really. There are glimpses of feelings. Like when I went to the theme park, I honestly enjoyed myself. But eventually the happiness fades and I am left to pretend how to feel… And it’s hard, especially when all I feel is emptiness… It’s kind of like being sad, but tired and just… nothing…”

At first, I didn’t understand… Why would I? I am not depressed, and Hana, in all honesty, doesn’t seem like it either. Not until her mother calls at least. Now… I think, I get it… but not completely.

Tao and I ran from the library with all of her things mixed amongst ours. At first we didn’t really feel all too worried, I let Yongbae know and that was when panic hit my gut. She was never okay after her mum called. She was never alright after it. Sometimes she would be awfully quite, other times she would simply sleep. And then there were those times that she hurt herself. Tao had let Yongbae and myself know. I wouldn’t have picked up on it otherwise. The small half-moons that only lasted for a few hours after she seemly cheered up.

Yongbae, of course, never mentioned it to Hana in their sessions. Only trying to prompt her into telling him with little cues and questions about self-harming. Hana never did. Not once. Or so he told me.

When we arrived at Hana’s apartment we found the two of them only the lounge, Hana crying and Yongbae comforting her in the best way he could – them not being very close due to their doctor patient relationship made it hard, you could tell. Tao ended up taking over telling Yongbae to talk to me about what ever had happened.

He didn’t.

“I want to have a meeting with her tomorrow afternoon.” He said before leaving.

Tao and I spent the entire night trying to cheer her up…

Hana

JiYong had left me at Yongbae’s office. He didn’t let me go to classes. He just took me here as soon as I got up. Which I must admit was later than normal.

Honestly, I am not surprised. I was expecting this, sooner or later. The talk. The discussion that we needed to have. After all this time Yongbae was going to ask about the self-harming. Then he was going to tell me that I needed more help than he or JiYong or Tao could provide me.

“Hana, you can come on in now.” He calls. So I move inside. Unlike normal… I am nervous. I am scared about what he will say to me… I don’t want to go to another Doctor. I don’t want to lose my friends…

He gestures for me to sit, so I do. He simply shuts the door before coming to sit across from me.

“Hana…” he starts and I am already crying. I don’t want to lose Tao… I really don’t want to lose him or JiYong… I can’t… Not now. Not when I need them.

He reaches out and holds my hand, “Now, now, it’s okay… I am not going to tell you that you need to go to the hospital.” He whispers, “I am going to talk to you about what set you off, and how far you got okay? That is it. Then we will see what we can do about medication and treatment.”

I nod, I can’t talk right now. I need to just, calm down. I am not going to lose them, I am not going away.

After several minutes of me attempting to even my breathing and stop the tears he starts talking about random things. About how he and JiYong met back primary school, about how he always had to look after JiYong, about how they ended up in different high schools. He told me stories of when JiYong went to university and found clubbing. Yongbae even told me a story of how they had performed together in a bar, only to forget half the lyrics of the songs they were singing.

It helped me relax.

“So, how did you feel yesterday before the phone call? When you were studying with JiYong and Tao?”

I shrug, “Like normal. A bit bored and stressed out but other than that, normal.”

“And after the phone call?”

I look away, “What do you think?”

He nods, “What did she say this time?”

Shrugging I just list everything that she has ever said to me. “It was just… overwhelming… I don’t understand how someone can contradict themselves so fast and not even think about it. I don’t understand why it affects me so much. Like… I don’t get it… it just worms its way into my head and gets under my skin and its more than irritating. It’s upsetting… I just… I wanted to release the tension somehow…”

Again, Yongbae nods. “Have you ever gotten that close to that before?”

I shake my head. “Not like that… I have thought about it… How could I not…? But I never get that far…”

Breathing I try to hold back my tears. I remember yesterday so completely vividly it’s like it was a movie.

Sitting on the cold tile floor, opening up a razor packet. All of them spill everywhere. All the replacement razor heads too, some blades bounce out and about me. I don’t care if I get cut. I want to get cut. The pinching and the hot water just didn’t work this time. They just didn’t work.

I cried as I picked up one of the blades. I wouldn’t cut my wrist… I didn’t want to die. Not yet. I just… I needed something… anything to flow right. After a cut blood always comes. That’s how it should work, right? You should cry out in pain and attempt to do it again, right?

Looking at the blade in my fingers I cry more. I cry harder. It isn’t meant to be that hard to cut is it? It is just meant to go in slightly… then you drag it along your skin…

Touching the blade to the skin on my thigh, I whimper.

You can do this.

You have to do this.

I need to get rid of the tension.

I press harder. Slightly harder again. And then… there is a small bed of blood where the blade is.

It bubbles more and grows before falling slowly down onto the floor.

I scream. The blade falls from my hand and I just cry more and more.

The blade didn’t work. I couldn’t do that. So I just claw at my skin. I claw at my thighs. I claw at the stupid bracelet that doesn’t come off. I claw at everything. Crying harder and harder until Yongbae walks in and wraps his arms around me.