For Hana, the reason JiYong was currently locked in his room was unknown. She had knocked several times and heard no reply what so ever. Having set the house rules earlier on privacy, she couldn’t just barge in. And even though she attempted to talk through the door several times telling him that she didn’t want to be late for class, she received no response. Eventually, when her time was stretching thin, she yelled at him for being an arse and told him she would be back much later than normal. Not giving him a reason behind it.

Of course, from behind the door JiYong heard everything. He knew the reason why Hana planned on arriving late and he knew that he shouldn’t intrude. But, that wasn’t the reason he was currently hunched on his bed with a lyric book at his side and laptop in front of him as the only real source of light in the room – his curtains drawn late last night to avoid outside influence as he attempted to sleep.

In truth, JiYong was suffering from lack of sleep as well as intense wave of anxious creativity that felt like it was there to stay for a while. After six hours of writing endlessly romantic and sad lyrics he had attempted to sleep, only to feel himself itching to pull the tune from nowhere with a melody to match. He couldn’t remember the last time he had gotten only two or so hours of sleep due thanks to a muse of some kind.

Hana was his new muse. And since she was constantly with him… Since he had finally realised how he felt… He just couldn’t stop his pen scratching across the page as he wrote rhyme after rhyme. He couldn’t stop himself from mixing this pre-programed instrument with a riff that he had heard years ago from somewhere else. He couldn’t stop. And he didn’t seem to mind that much at all.

His phone beeps. Quickly he reads the message before throwing it back onto the pillow behind him.

Yongbae: Hana has an appointment tomorrow… please remember to send your reports through from last week…

After a moment of distraction, his mind processes the message. He has to email Yongbae… Just like normal. He has to email Yongbae about Hana’s habits…

Although, before it seemed normal… Now it feels like he is betraying her… Not helping her at all.

Sighing he clicks on his emails and does his job… Hoping Hana is okay in class.

Across campus, Hana arrives in her classroom. After noting her arrival alone students start to whisper amongst themselves. Commenting on the blue band that is still fastened to herself. None having the courage to when she is with JiYong or Tao. However, with neither in this first class she felt vulnerable today.

The whispers seemed to grow louder once she sat down, pulling out her book and pen. They seeped into her mind and dug at her.

I heard she is a cutter.

She has to be babysat in order to stop her from suiciding.

That girl has some serious issues. They aren’t even depression. She is probably schizophrenic and been diagnosed wrong.

How can someone diagnose her wrong? I mean, it’s not that hard to look at someone’s arms or legs to determine if they cut. It’s not that hard to find out if someone is sad is it?

They’re all so wrong. So, so very wrong about her. About depression. About everything.

How can these people be in one of the top universities studying such a hard and boring topic and yet be so dumb?

Depression isn’t about being sad. It isn’t about cutting or suiciding. No, it’s more like an empty hole that makes you feel like you should have an emotion when you don’t.

Occasionally a wave will crash over you, just briefly telling you that you are happy for once. That you feel like actually laughing a real laugh. But once you laugh the feeling has gone, and you are left void again. Nothing. No emotion to tell you how you should feel, what your body should do to display how you feel. So instead you take others emotions as your own.

Those close to you. Those you see all the time.

When they are happy, when they are laughing, you laugh. You smile. You pretend you know that feeling.

But sometimes… Sometimes when those waves of emotion are crashing over you… You get one that just doesn’t fit right… That just makes you feel like you aren’t worth it. That you should just curl up in bed, but you know you should get up and do something. These sad waves last longer than the happy ones. They last longer and there is no simply stopping them. They are just come, triggered by whatever simple thing happened in the day.

For Hana, it tends to be her mother that sets of her sadness. Moving out of home helped, but didn’t stop it. It stopped the regularity of sadness, but brought on a void of nothing. Fake emotions and pretend smiles. Yet, sometimes it isn’t her mother that sets it off. Sometimes it just happens. Just comes without warning and sets in for hours, days, weeks… Sometimes it happened for months. But most of the time she would pull herself out of it.

Distract herself with studying hard. Her cat helped to. Juju gave her a reason to think about herself, to look after herself…

Recently, she had been feeling more waves of happiness. More intense feelings of real happiness. She had JiYong to annoy her to that point of feeling. JiYong to make her smile with his stupid ideas on fashion and music. Tao with his clumsy Korean. Tao with his cute actions to make her smile for real…

Hana had felt truly happy with them. For the first time in a long time she was experiencing hours, days of happiness.

It was reassuring.

Today, however, just like normal, she felt the void…

She didn’t feel nothing towards the words that were whispered about her. She felt a pang of course, who wouldn’t. But for the rest of it, it was just like normal. That emptiness that didn’t make any sense.

But she didn’t mind.

Just like the new normal, she would see Tao.

And she would smile.

A/N:: So this is a bit of a filler chapter... I re-read everything and realised that I hadn't really mentioned this stuff before.. So I thought it was necessary. 

Once again, I just want you to know that I don't really know what depression is like, this is just how it has been described to me by a few people. So I don't know if it is like this for everyone or if it actually how you would feel if depressed... I do know that some anti-depressents can actually make you feel this way so... we can always just pretend that Hana is on anti-depressents. 

Anyway, I updated fast huh? I am really quite proud of myself... Haha Since it is easter and I have finished my assessments I shall attempt to write a bit to get it out to you guys faster. 

Thank you all so much for your support. I appreciate you sticking with me even if you are a silent reader (it would be great to hear from you even if it is just 'thanks' or something... I like feedback...) 

Until next time my lovelies <3