Warning:: This chapter includes mention and description of self-harm

Hana stands in the cubical, turning on the hot water and jumping back slightly in fear of getting touched by the initial cold. Not before too long the water heats up and Hana moves under only turning the cold water on a fraction. She is still in her swimmers. She was always told to rinse them before she hung them off. This was the easiest way.

“Look at this Hana!” He Mother had shouted after finding her new board shorts. “I bought these a week ago! Now look at them! They were bright and now they’ve faded! You haven’t been rinsing them after you’ve been swimming have you? No! Of course not! You have to though Hana. If you don’t you will bleach them. The chlorine or salt will bleach your swimmers. And that is bad! How am I meant to explain to my friends…? These have become old too fast Hana!”

Slowly Hana removes her board shorts, rinsing them in the steaming shower before ringing them out and placing them in a plastic bag. Next she removes her one piece. She tires her hardest not to look at the tiny half-moons that have been pinched into her flesh. She already feels bad enough that she did it. She doesn’t need the reminder.

After her one piece is in the plastic bag she steps further under the water. Thinking. The marks on her stomach now white on her pink skin. The water is too hot for her body not to react this way and show the marks nice and proud.

“But she doesn’t seem… depressed.” He continues and I can’t tell if that is a good or a bad thing. “Here I thought I would be watching over some kid that cuts himself all the time. Not a girl that doesn’t even think she has a mental disorder.”

JiYong may have gotten stuck with a girl rather than a guy. But he still got someone that occasionally self-harmed.

You see, self-harm can come in many forms. From the extreme of cutting, suffocating, strangling, these are all terrible and are often what many assume when self-harm is mentioned. But there is also a more subtle way of harming yourself. Holding your breath for a period of time before letting it enter your body after that burning pain starts. Swimming in cold water. Pinching yourself, hard enough to leave a mark but not hard enough for it to stay longer than a day. Biting yourself, once again not hard enough to leave a mark for too long. Showering in steaming hot water. Not eating for a day or longer.

Subtle.

Little.

Things.

Things no display cutter would think of. Because those sort of cutters are in it for the attention that is receive once people find it. The sudden gasp that occurs when someone touches that fresh cut.

Harming is removing the mental pain, all that hurt that resides in your head and replacing it with another sort of pain. A physical reason to cry.

Emotional pain makes you sleepy. Dull. Inactive. Physical pain is different. It makes you awake. It makes you want to fix the pain. Make it better. It makes everything more real. More able to be worked out.

Physical pain can be fixed.

Emotional takes time.

Even sleep can’t cure emotional pain. In fact. Sleep makes it worse.

Hana knows this. Hana has known for a long time. More than anyone has ever cared to explain to her. Even Doctor YongBae doesn’t care to bring it up as he sees no evidence of self-harm on Hana. Even JiYong hasn’t mentioned it.

After the tea they had shared with her Mother, Hana had crawled under a blanket in the back of JiYong’s car and slid her hand under her shirt, reaching for a more fleshy part of her stomach and dug her nails in.

There was no sharp gasp at sudden pain. The pain was gradual. It grew. Slowly. At first it was as simple as her nails resting against skin, and then it increased, to a dull ache, then to a sharp sting. Increasing until Hana felt like she couldn’t do it anymore. Not there anyway. The sting would remain as she started again in another spot. Decorating her stomach in odd half-moons, a light pink against white. In a place that no one would notice.

She made no noise, simply laid in the back with a blanket over her moving her hand ever so slowly over her skin in order to hurt herself more.

Eventually, she had fallen asleep as tears fell from her eyes, hugging her stomach. She felt guilty that she had even thought of starting this bad habit again – even worse knowing that JiYong was barely centimetres away from her.

The habit never lasted long. She would never do it without reason. And sometimes all the words her mother would say would simply build up.

To some the conversation that she had had with her Mother would seem contradictory and frustrating but not worth crying over. But if for nearly twenty years you have dealt with a contradictory Mother who never feels that you have done well then you feel like you have failed. That you have brought shame to her for a small little reason, but still it hurt you knowing that your Mother was upset, even angry that you weren’t good enough.

That is how Hana felt after she conversed with her Mother. Be it via text or over phone in person or via email she couldn’t handle failing her Mother more than she already had.

Hana remained under the water for a while longer, letting all her pain become physical letting it all go. She knew that once she would come out she would be her normal self. But until she felt that way she would stay under the water. She wanted to wash herself clean of the sadness.

A/N:: Before I start on my authors note I would just like to say that not all cutters do it for attention, they have their reasons and that is usually to releave the mental pain and replace it with something physical. Self-harming is a serious thing and if you know anyone that does self-harm (do not assume that just because of the types I have used that everyone self harms, some people just reallllly like hot showers) then ask them to seek help or stick by them because not everyone will and oneday they will need your help. 

Anyway, I'm sorry that this has been updated so late, I guess its late. I had one hell of a weekend. It was my birthday so my friends and I went to the city for four days, hectic. We had a fight but sorted it all out and I think things are good now (I think I will use that fight for inspiration to see who sides with who on this argument kekeke). 

I hope you like (is that even right to say?) this chapter. 

Any questions feel free to ask~!

Until next time <3