AUTHOR · ruzicakai

CHARACTERS · Kim Ju Hyunge, Kim Jongin (Kai), Lee Byung-hun (L.Joe)

STATUS · Completed

DESCRIPTION ·
Hi, my name is Kim Ju Hyunge and I'm 16. My parents divorced when I was young and I went to America with my mom and my older brother who is 20. His name is Kim Jong Jae. His nickname is Chunji. I also have older sister who is 18. Her name is Kim Ha Na and her nickname is Suzy. She is realy pretty. She lives in Korea with our father. I was in 1st grade of high school but I've been kicked out of school because of bad attitude and now I'm going to Korea with my brother who goes to the University there. We're going to live with dad and sister.

STORY TITLE (1/5)
Sadly, I don’t think this is a suitable title for this story. Yes, I agree that this story is based on high-schoolers but since there isn’t a lot of elements from the school, this title is not as suitable as it can be. Also, I would say that normally, if K-Pop-ers see this title, they will immediately think of BTS, which I did as well, and because this story does not include BTS, I think another title would be better.

DESCRIPTION, FOREWORD AND TAGS (4/10)
Your description consists of character descriptions only as well as a tiny bit of background information about the main character. As your description doesn’t actually say anything about your story or the storyline, it’s difficult for me to judge you in that aspect of whether or not your description fits your story. As for your tags, I would say that they’re pretty appropriate for your story.

APPEARANCE (5/10)
You have a matching poster and background, which is good because there is a consistent theme in the appearance. Your poster have the right characters from the story and the theme is quite bright, which I would say, suits the majority of the plotline. Although you have a layout for your description/foreword, you don’t have one for your chapters, which then makes the theme quite inconsistent in that sense. I also think that the layout you have chosen doesn’t fit in with your theme as much as it can be, mostly because your layout is really artistic and your story is based on things that happen to teenagers.

CHARACTERISATION (4/10)
First of all, writing about a large number of characters is not easy at all, therefore you have done incredibly well in creating that many characters in the story. However, I would say that their behaviours are quite inconsistent. Let’s take Ju Hyunge for example. At the beginning of the story, she is portrayed as someone who is really unsure of herself; being very worried about not being able to fit in with the rest of the school and all. However, in the next chapter, she isn’t scared to stand up to the bullies to save someone she doesn’t know of. If this is your intention, I would add a little bit of information at the start about how even though she is scared of not being able to fit in, she will still stand up to the rude kids and help others.

As for L.Joe, he fell in love with Ju Hyunge pretty much at the beginning but he ends up hating on her because she went out with Kai on a date. Though many would think that it’s fine for him to hate her because she “cheated” on him but considering that he’s the type to care and love Ju Hyunge whatever happens, it seems pretty rash of him to break up with her like that without hearing her explanation.

Despite the above points, you have done well with Zico’s character. Even though he’s not the main character, you have kept him consistently aggressive and violent throughout the whole story. Even though it was a bit of a surprise to see what he was doing at the end of the story, because he is portrayed to be the rash one out of the boys, it seems likely that he would fall into the dark path.

PLOT (6/20)
Having read the whole story in full, there is quite a lot that I can say in this section, both good and bad. First of all, I think for your first story, you have done very well in writing something of this length - coming up with a plot and writing it in full is definitely not easy!

However, I would consider this plot to be quite unrealistic. Although the setting is realistic, the events that happen in your story is definitely not usual in everyday life. The first example I thought of is when Ju Hyunge cleans L.Joe’s wounds near the beginning of the story. One, if someone is injured, you would most probably take them to the nurse, and not the chemistry lab. Two, you definitely would not use some random alcohol you find in a lab to clean someone’s wounds!

Secondly, the school days seems incredibly short in your story! Correct me please if I am wrong but I recall that Ju Hyunge goes home immediately after helping L.Joe get away from Zico’s lot. Does this mean that she didn’t attend any classes that day? But why did she have to explain to her sister why she didn’t attend any classes? Isn’t her sister supposed to be in school as well? These are the types of questions you should answer within your story so your readers won’t be confused with the storyline.

This then brings us to the end of the story where Ju Hyunge gets kidnapped. I would honestly say that this does not occur in the everyday life of an average high-schooler. If Zico is really unhappy that Kai is paying more attention to Ju Hyunge, surely he could just talk it out. Does he really need to take it this far?

Overall, there are many questions that are left unanswered in this story. I think you would benefit from expanding and elaborating your plot, giving it more details will make it easier for your readers to understand the story and the meaning behind the events in the story.

CONSISTENCY/FLOW (4/10)
Even though you have a fair number of chapters for this story, the events that are happening are coming too quickly and suddenly. I understand that it’s hard to try and get everything into the story without making it too long and boring, however, it is also important to keep a consistent time flow within the chapters.

One thing I would say about this is that Ju Hyunge falls for Kai way too quickly. If I’m not wrong, I remember her calling Kai out the minute she was dumped by L.Joe. Sure she spent some time with Kai during their date, but would a girl who just got dumped called someone she hated out? I feel that the bond between Ju Hyunge and Kai is progressing too quickly, especially since girls wouldn’t move on that quickly after breaking up with their boyfriends.

GRAMMAR, SPELLING AND PUNCTUATION (7/15)
You have told me that English is not your first language and as with before, I must congratulate you in writing a completed story in this language! Also, because this is your first ever story, I will consider the fact that you probably have not written something like this outside of AFF as well.

Your story is written in the past tense but there are areas where you need to look over because of the confusion of words used. For example:

Original: Take a rest, it's late, we'll speak tomorow when you woke up.
Corrected: Take a rest; it's late. We'll talk tomorrow when youwake up.
[Because you’re not talking about something that happened in the past, you need to use the future tense to describe the action. In this case, if you use “when you woke up”, you’re referring to the time when someone woke up in the past. If you use “when you wake up”, you’re referring to the time when someone will wake up in the future, in this case, tomorrow.]

Original: Did you missed us?
Corrected: Did you miss us?
[In this case, the words “did” and “missed” are both in the past tense and therefore you only need one of these two verbs in past tense to make the sentence describe past actions.]

As for your spelling, majorly, there aren’t many problems. There are a few misspelled words in the chapters, but nothing that will make your story unreadable. For example:

noup >> nope
bealive >> believe
clout >> cloth

This then brings me onto another thing I’ve spotted. Try to avoid writing in shorthand in stories. There are places where you have written “tnx” instead of “thanks” - please make sure you’re using proper words instead of slang spellings as the word is not used in texts or messages that the characters have sent, which in that case would be acceptable.

As I have mentioned in your previous review, you have used two apostrophes instead of speech marks, as well have having spaces after open speech marks and before closing speech marks. Because I have already given an example in your last review, I will not include one in this review, in case you find me repeating myself.

STRUCTURE (3/5)
Same as your last story that I reviewed, it is visible that you are using paragraphs in places where it deemed appropriate, but because most of the text are dialogues, the uses of paragraphs are not as necessary because there isn’t much of description going on.

READERS’ RESPONSE (5/5)
You have a fair amount of subscribers for your story, as well as comments. Many comments are positive, praising you for your story and there are a few that are predicting the upcoming events. Comments that are suggesting what the readers think about what will happen next in the story show that the readers are immersed in your story, giving their own opinions because they want that to happen or something that will surprise them. I can see that you have replied to around half of them, which shows that you are communicating with your readers, and as many comments are anticipating the next chapter, it means that they are willing to read on and see what happens next.

OVERALL ENJOYMENT (4/10)
First of all, this score is for my personal preference only - please don’t be disheartened or upset because of the score. As for me, I read stories that have more “meat” in it, most of which will make me think as well as read at the same time. Maybe because of my age, I have moved on from reading school-based stories, and therefore it’s unusual for me to read on out of my interest. However, there are times in your story which reminded me of when I was in school, for example, the nervous feeling you get on your first day and the worries about not being able to fit in with the others. Nonetheless, it was a pleasure to read your story!

TOTAL: 43/100

DATE REQUESTED: 19/10/14

DATE COMPLETED: 20/10/14

REVIEWER: Seri

COMMENTS:
Thank you for requesting again! It’s nice to see a familiar name in the request list ^^ Once again, I hope I wasn’t too harsh on you, but if you feel that you deserve a higher mark, please do PM me about certain areas or for a re-do by my manager!

REMINDER
Please remember to comment when you have picked up. Please also credit the shop AS WELL AS the reviewer. If there are any problems, please contact the owener or the reviewer via PM.

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Credits to: Error reviews. Thank you for your honest opinion. I preciate it. <3