Interlude- Within the Mind

Author's note: I have been working on this for quite a while and I think it's ready now. This is not part of the story. It reflects the thoughts of a Luhan and Kai and what they mean to each other. I had no idea how to develop this and make it part of the story so I decided to develop it separately. This goes really in depth with Luhan's grief and Kai's pain and what they are to each other. I hope this clears up the misunderstandings and shows you the grieving process that both of them go through. Happy reading!

Luhan is afraid. Afraid of the dreams that haunts him through the night. Afraid of the darkness of the night that swallows him whole. Afraid of the bed that reminds him of him loneliness. Afraid of the memories that he tries to forget. Afraid of the loneliness that overcomes him to the point he suffocates.

He could never sleep on the right side of the bed. The side that belongs to him. The side that Luhan reaches for in the morning, when the haze of sleep has yet to break, when he forgets that he is alone. Luhan cries as he buries himself in what he wishes was Yifan's warmth. Luhan misses Yifan.

Luhan is afraid. He had been forged in the fire shared with Yifan and he had expected their flames to burn out the same way, the same time. At least, he had expected more time before the fire burnt out, not for the embers to wash away, far from his reach. Luhan is unsure of who he is when there is no one around him for him to hold. No one that belongs to him. Luhan is afraid, and does not know what it means to stop trembling in the middle of the night when he calls Yifan's phone and leaves messages telling him about his day, when he hears Yifan's voice, when he realizes he is alone. Luhan misses Yifan.

Luhan is selfish. He has never needed to fend for himself. He has no idea how. His life has always been about himself. Yifan watches over him, soothing ruffled feathers, scolding him for pushing himself too hard. Luhan does not know what to do, not with Yifan gone. Luhan is a lost child, with no home to go back to.

Luhan is selfish. Selfish because he cannot let Yifan go. Selfish because he will do anything to feel him again. Selfish because he wants one last kiss. Selfish because he breaks, caves to the feeling of warm flesh, of being important. Selfish because Yifan is his. Selfish because he will not let him go, even if Luhan tries to forget him. Luhan misses Yifan.

Luhan is heartless. Heartless because he breaks the easiest, even if others have more reason to cry. Heartless because he does not how to give comfort, only take. Heartless because he knows people will warm him, and never blame him when he leaves in the morning.

Luhan is heartless. Heartless because he watches his friends nurse the bruises in their hearts, and adds more with his tears. Heartless because he knows of the promise Yifan made with Yixing and he takes advantage of that. Heartless because he cannot bear to let his friends go. Heartless because he does his best not to feel, Ben if it meant that he was hurting his friends. Luhan misses Yifan.

Luhan is weak. Weak because he does not know what strong means. Weak because he has never had to be strong. Weak, because that is who he is. Luhan is weak because he no longer has a reason to even try to be strong. Luhan has never had to imagine how to be strong because Yifan is strong. Luhan misses Yifan.

Luhan is alone. Luhan does not know how to be alone. Not without spiraling into the darkness of time, and thinking of days that will never come to past. Luhan does not know how to live without the warmth of a body next to him. Luhan searches for someone, someone will become Yifan for him. Luhan turns to his right, because that is Yifan's place, and falls back into despair when he greeted with air.

He is the kite that flows with the wind, drifting until the string snaps and Yifan is the home he comes to.

Luhan is alone. Because he is alone, he is afraid. When he is afraid, he become selfish. Becoming selfish has made him heartless. Being heartless has made him weak. Turning weak has left him alone.

Until he meets Kai.

Luhan dislikes sleeping. He hates the dreams that plague his rest. Dreams of times that can never come to past. Luhan only sleeps, when his body collapses against the sheets, one day, two day, sometimes if he is lucky three days later, the exhaustion creeping over him, like a spider crawling to the fly.

He gets caught in its web, and he struggles, terrified, but only become more tangled, reducing his chances of escape. Luhan has learnt how to pick the line of the thread and unravel the web.

Luhan can only see Yifan in his dreams. Remember the reasons he loves him, when his face breaks through the darkness of sleep and beckons him forward. Luhan misses Yifan.

Reasons like, how he always makes sure to have an extra dessert for the sugar loving Luhan.

Like how Yifan and Luhan fit together, like a puzzle piece.

Like how Luhan's mother loves Yifan.

Like how he always knows how to make Luhan smile.

Like how he knows where Luhan goes when he cries.

And how much he loves Luhan.

Luhan can trace the details of his face, as thought they were his own. And in a way they were his. Had seen Yifan's face throughout his childhood, held his hand for most of his life.

He remembers declaring that he was going marry Yifan just so that Luhan could be brothers with Yixing, Yifan laughing and asking him to be the bride. He remembers how Yifan used to smile at him, secretly watch him, in the heat of the classroom, surrounded by their classmates. He remembers only being able to see Yifan, catching his eye, blushing when they do. He remembers discovering dance, and Yifan coming to every competition just to cheer him on. He remembers how Yifan used to fuss over him, at the end of every day, picking him up from the studio. He remembers the day Yifan tells him he loves him, angry because someone else had confessed to Luhan first, angry because Luhan was considering it, wanting to get over what he had thought to be a one sided romance. He remembers Yifan's face when he nearly ripped apart the kidnapper who tried to take him away, the panic when he found him, the tears that had seared itself into his memory. He remembers the taste of Yifan's mouth when they kiss for the first time. He remembers how Yifan's fingers had trembled when he touched him for the last time.

He traced those lips, that hid a gummy smile, a smile that made Luhan laugh. The thick eyebrows that made his face terrifying, but endearing to Luhan. The eyes that saw everything Luhan wanted to hide. The strong jawline that most girls fell in love with. The broad shoulders that shielded Luhan, perfect for crying. The big hands that engulfed his own, wrapping around his body. The height that made it perfect when Luhan wanted to bury his face in his shoulder.

Luhan tried, with trembling fingers, to bury them far away. But the lock keeps opening and Luhan has long since forgotten the combination to close the lock again. Luhan wonders if he will ever learn to live without Yifan. Luhan misses Yifan.

Until he meets Kai.

Kai hates, with the burning passion of a thousand suns, being awake, of seeing the people who have reduced his life to nothing. Kai hates being kicked aside, of being tossed away. Kai hates the sensation of loneliness.

Kai does not how to make himself happy. He knows to reach out and grasp the fingers and he latches on when they are offered. Kai is happy when he has someone to hold. Kai does not know what it means to have no one to turn to.

Kai needs an anchor, or he will float away, a bottle in the sea with no destination, no purpose. Kai loses his anchor, and drowns slowly, only resurfacing when someone catches him, when someone pulls him out, and breathes air into his lungs.

Kai is cold. Kai is a lie. Jongin is warm. Jongin is real. But Jongin is afraid. And Jongin is weak. Kai is strong. Kai is bold. Jongin will run. Kai will fight. Jongin is shy smiles and gentle waves. Kai is the burning passion of a man on his last breath. Jongin is light, weak as it may be. Kai is the darkness, the kind that haunts your dreams at night. There are two sides to a coin, and he does not know which side he lands on, until it hits the floor and it is no surprise when Kai wins most of the time.

Kai will smile, and smirk and charm his way through life. Jongin will stutter, tear and stumble through life. But Kai is not Kai when he does not have Jongin. And Jongin is not Jongin when he does not have Kai.

Sometimes, Jongin will forget to open the door when he hides, leaving Kai trapped, leaving them both vulnerable.

Kyungsoo does not like Kai. Kyungsoo burns Kai away, trapping him in chains, until Jongin cannot find him. Jongin searches for days, finally finding Kai when he cannot love anymore.

Jongin breaks easily, crumbling like shattered glass, the sound echoing throughout his body. Kai is resilient, snarling curses as he strains against his chains.

Jongin is lost, and Jongin is afraid. Kai will burn the plains of his life if he could, and he would, with a smile on his grave.

But every man kneels, and Kai is no exception. Kai is born for one purpose and one purpose only.

Kai is born for Luhan.

Kai is new, and Kai is cocky. Jongin trembles with scars hidden all over hisbody. Jongin has no anchor to grab onto, but he holds Kai's hand is kept afloat, despite the turbulent waves, because Kai has an anchor.

Kai stands strong because he has a reason. Jongin can only hide behind him. Jongin was made for Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo, whose voice still causes shivers to wrack through Jongin's spine. Kyungsoo, who Jongin was moulded for. Kyungsoo, who Jongin runs to, when he crooks his finger. Jongin, who has no other person.

Jongin loses his anchor. But he is not sad. He is afraid. But he is not alone. Jongin tries to find a new anchor instead of clinging desperately to Kai's hand. He wants to live, he wants to burn hot and bright and he wants to swim, not stay submerged, the way Kyungsoo wanted him to. Phong in wants to forget the ripples that Kyungsoo has made in his life.

Jongin willingly lets go of Kyungsoo and sinks. He sinks to the bottom of the oceans he breathes in the sea water and chokes. Kai finds him, and forces him to surface. He breathes air into his lungs and Jongin is forced to awaken. Jongin, for the first time, goes against Kai. He does not want Kai to rescue him. Kai, who only has his feet submerged in the water, hands wrapped around Luhan, his face buried in his shoulder. Kai who does not the pain that is Jongin.

Jongin sinks again, and buries himself in the water. He learns to breath in the water, learns to lets his body get pulled by the waves, learns to sleep until he is shaken awake. This time, he sees not the dark eyes of Kai, who stands watch, ready to pull Jongin out the moment he chokes, but sees the doe eyes that belongs to Luhan. Jongin is startled, Jongin is afraid. Jongin shies away from Luhan's probing fingers and gentle eyes. Jongin breathes in water for the first time in a long time.

Jongin runs, and Luhan is patient. He shows Jongin that he is broken, that he is shattered. That just like Jongin, he is terrified and he is lonely. Luhan bares himself for Jongin to see. Jongin reaches out, with trembling hands, his fear apparent in every inch of his body. Luhan is still, Luhan waits for him, hand stretched out, fingers warm between his own. Luhan's hugs are like the man himself, soft, comfortable, warm, and malleable. Jongin does not fit against Luhan, not the way jigsaw puzzles do but he is comfortable. Jongin can rest his head on Luhan's shoulder, relishing in the space that is a little too tight, a constraining force that ties him down.

Jongin learns to see Luhan, and Luhan starts to piece Jongin together. It is a slow process, and there are chips in places that Luhan cannot find the pieces to.

Jongin is not whole, because Jongin does not belong to Luhan. And Luhan does not mind because Luhan knows. Luhan does not belong to Jongin.

Kai is born for Luhan.

Jongin is forged by Luhan.

Luhan who cannot find it in himself to dance, his form once powerful and smooth, young and agile, transforms into something dark. His dancing expresses his misery, his grief. His dancing gives him the respite as he blacks out from exhaustion. His feet bliste and swell and Luhan revels in the pain. The pain makes him feel, and he can almost hear Yifan's voice, telling him off. He prefers to ignore the pain that it inflicts with Baekhyun and Yixing. Luhan dances, and hopes he dances himself to his death.

Luhan is ready to stop breathing, as he walks out his door. He has given up on everything, breaking his promise with Yifan, to try and live happily. Not that Yifan's knows this promise. Luhan has made this promise because he knows that this is what Yifan wants. But Luhan cannot keep this farce any longer. Everyday, he tries to smile. Smile for his friends. Everyday, he chokes down the food and water prepared for him. Everyday, he takes long walks, getting lost and finding new places to hide the droplets of his tears.

Luhan contemplates on how he wants to die. In his heart, he wishes that he can die the same way as Yifan. But he lacks a car, and the ability. He knows that he will stop before he crashes and burns. He knows he will scream and pound at the wheel, tears burning down his cheeks. And Luhan is tired of crying.

Luhan has decided to walk, to become lost one last time. It is in that place, he decides, that he will fall. He will decide how and he will not stop until he crashes.

Luhan decides that he no longer wants to be alone.

Luhan steps out of his room. He flashes a pathetic smile at Baekhyun, mumbling something about a walk. Baekhyun smiles, the sympathy clear on his face. He almost feels like Baekhyun knows what he is going to do. But he cannot. He cannot possibly know what Luhan wants to do because Baekhyun thinks Luhan is getting better. Baekhyun knows nothing about Luhan.

Luhan walks to his door, and opens it. It is a cold day, a perfect day for Luhan to die.

Luhan steps out, breathing in the air and feels free.

And the shackles buckle down when he sees the boy sitting in the hallway, curled into himself, the same way Luhan curls up at night. There are tear tracks on his face, freshly fallen tears marking a trail down his face. He is hiding inside his skin and Luhan sees the loneliness bleed out of his pores, the same loneliness that Luhan sea pairs of, the same loneliness that consumes himself.

Luhan cannot abandon him, is rooted to the spot as he studies the boy. He breathes, soft smoke that streams through his body. Luhan has not found Yifan, Luhan has not found the peace that he is used to, the balance has not shifted back. But Luhan has found someone to be lonely with. Luhan has found someone will will understand the bone wrenching sadness that presses into his bones as his life swirls around him in a dizzying array of pain and sadness.

Luhan has found Kai.

When Jongin sees Luhan seated opposite of him, he see the boy with a battered heart, with bruises in similar patterns to his. He sees a boy who has y et to find a reason to go on living. He sees a boy who will give him hope.

Jongin is scarred, in a way that is different from Luhan. But the abandonment in his eyes is the same. They have both been kicked to the curb, with little time to their wounds. When Luhan talks of his hurricane, Jongin speaks of his tsunami, they reach an understanding.

They are both so lonely. They are both so very afraid. They are both broken in a way no one can fix. They are shattered into so many pieces that it is hard to find the links between them to put them back together. Luhan smiles, and he has learnt to show a sincere smile even when he has nothing to be sincere for. Kai acts nonchalant, even when he is terrified, to the point his legs buckle beneath him.

Luhan is convincing. Kai is persuasive. Together, they build a wall that is impenetrable. It is built with fear, and tears, and guilt. They hide behind in it, taking solace in being alone together.

Jongin cannot fix Luhan. Luhan is not Jongin's to fix. Jongin is not right for Luhan. They are not balanced. Jongin becomes someone else. Jongin becomes Kai. Kai fits against Luhan, knows how to draw him out. Kai leans on Luhan, rests on Luhan and Luhan places his shattered heart in Kai's hands, not for him to keep but for him to guard. And Kai will guard it until his last dying breath.

Kai dances with Luhan. Together, the darkness becomes more pronounced. The misery that floats around them is apparent, and yet they find comfort in it. Kai dances, his form as fluid as the water he wants to drown in, slowly transforming the darkness into something less potent. Luhan begins to dance again, not with the misery of the past but with the life Kai has reignited within him.

They become friends. They become inseparable. It is unhealthy. It keeps them afloat. Kai clutches to Luhan when he is drowning. Luhan presses against Kai when he wants to fall. Luhan breathes Kai in. Kai becomes apart of Luhan. They are the answer to the misery that burns through them.

Kai finds an anchor named Luhan.

They fall against each other, mixing like honey and lemon, a near perfect symphony. But near perfect is not perfect and they can see the flaws engraved in the core of their being. But their flaws are what make them stronger, that help them fit together.

Luhan becomes physical, taking affection where he finds it, pulling it from Kai and pretending he was enough to satisfy Luhan.

Kai loses himself in the taste of Luhan, creating a chasm in his memories, where he forgets the blood spilled by Kyungsoo's hand and the insults that crush his soul.

Kai discovers how to balance the coin. Luhan relearns the combination to the lock.

Luhan stops running from his memories. Kai learns to make new ones.

Kai does not love Luhan. Luhan does not love Kai.

Luhan meets Kai, and forgets how to cry.

Kai meets Luhan, and forgets how to feel pain.

Luhan learns to live again.

Kai learns what it means to live at all.

Luhan is balm to the wounds that Kai hides. Kai is the life that Luhan has forgotten.

Kai sleeps on the right side of the bed. Luhan snuggles close to his warmth.

Luhan does not love Kai, but he needs Kai.

Kai does not love Luhan, but he relies on Luhan.

And together, they fill out the spaces that are empty, hiding them from the spectators who pry and poke and make it harder to pretend.

Author's note: I hope this makes sense! And I hoped you liked it! This was so much easier for me to write then the actual story. LOL. Again, this was written in mobile, so if you spot any errors, let me know!

Thank you to my commenters and my nice subscribers! I'm always looking forward to the comments. I swear I get all giggly! All of you are so nice!

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