I wake up to the sound of two voices and at first I’m very confused about why these two people are talking in my room. But then I remember that I fell asleep at the hospital in Minhyuk’s room. Yet still it feels slightly weird that these two people are talking, because I thought a lot more time would pass before they could be in the same room. My brother and my boyfriend are having a calm conversation, and it doesn’t take long before I realise the conversation is about me.

“You know that basically everything she does, she does for you, right?” Minhyuk’s voice is the one closest to me, and I’m guessing he’s still in the hospital bed. “I guess I never really realised it until I gave her an ultimatum and expected her to refuse to choose. But instead she chose me and gave up something that gives her happiness,” my brother’s voice sounds somewhat sad and remorseful, which is a tone I’m pretty sure I’ve never heard in his voice before, “of course I was pissed when I found out about you two. I said I didn’t want any of you guys to date her, and yet both of you went and did it anyway. But even though I was mad, I knew I would get over it eventually. I’m just a protective brother, who thought my sister could do better than you lot. But if you are what she wants, then who am I to tell her no. That’s the message I wanted to get across. I wanted her to stand up for herself and tell me no. I was so sad to see how much she wanted to sacrifice just because I told her to. And I know how Heejin feels about me, but I never knew how attached to me she actually was. That’s what the test was for. And she failed it miserably.”

I have to fight not to show a reaction to what Ilhoon just said. It was all just a test to see how I would react when faced with a choice between my brother and my happiness. I could have lost one of the most important people in my life. One of the best things that has ever happened to me could have been gone, all because he wanted to test me. I’m split between being furious because of my brother’s stupid idea, and being sad because it made me do what I did. I can’t even explain why I never thought about just refusing to choose, like he wanted me to. I guess not obeying my brother’s wishes, just never occurred to me as a possibility. Making him happy was all I could think about. Everything that ever mattered was him. He was my entire world. How stupid I’ve been.

“Heejin has always put you before everyone else, especially before herself. From day one there was no doubt that you were the center of her universe. I always thought her attachment to you was unhealthy, and I was so mad that you seemed to almost encourage the idea.” There are traces of anger in Minhyuk’s voice, but it’s subtle and he keeps perfectly calm. “You’re right. I never discouraged her attachment to me and her need to satisfy my wants and needs. But since she met the band, I realised that my sister is not only giving towards me. I’ve noticed how much she’s done for the members, how she’s changed their lives and made them happier. I see how much she has done for the guys and they see her as some kind of angel sent from above. But knowing how much she struggled while I was away, I wish she would just focus on herself for a change. Especially now when I know she always worried more about me and what I wanted, forgetting about herself and what she wants.”

“Yeah the guys she her as their savior, and she really has changed them. But the only person Heejin will never be able to save, is herself. Don’t you see that only you can help her? That her savior has to be you. You have to help her let you go.”

“I know. We both need to give her a push in the right direction. After what she went through, I get that she wants me close, but this is not the right way.”

I tighten up slightly. I know what my brother is hinting at, and I don’t want Minhyuk to know about it this way. I want to be the one to tell him.

“What are you talking about? What happened to her?” Minhyuk asks and I bite down hard. I’m about to turn around to stop my brother from telling the story, but to my relief he says something else.

“This is not my story to tell. She will tell you when she’s ready,” Ilhoon says and I sigh with relief, “just know that Heejin doesn’t give because she has a lot to give from. Life hasn’t been easy on her either.”

It’s weird to hear others talk about you this way. Calling me an angel, a savior and saying that I too have a dark past. But of course they didn’t expect me to listen in on their conversation. I was never supposed to hear all this. But I did. And I’m actually glad I did, because now I know how my brother feels and I know how my boyfriend feels. Now all I need to figure out is how I feel. Figure out what I want and what I need, and then go for it. For the first time in my life, I’ll put myself first. It’s not gonna be easy at first, since old habits die hard. But eventually I hope I’ll get a healthier relationship to my brother and a healthier relationship with myself as well. Only then will I be truly happy.

After Ilhoon has left the room, I wait a few more minutes before I sit up and look at Minhyuk. He smiles widely when our eyes meet and I can’t help but return it. From what I can sense, he isn’t aware that I heard the conversation and I want it to stay that way.

It’s Minhyuk’s third day at the hospital and he’s gotten really bored by being forced to stay still as much as possible. He wants to get up and around, but when a nurse catches him out of bed, he is immediately led back to his room, where he then pouts for about half an hour and then he leaves for another walk. So in order to keep him from moving around, I suggested I could help him wash up a bit. Since a real shower is a bit early for the wound, I suggested I could just clean his chest, back and arms a bit with a wet cloth. He agrees to this so I get a cloth from a nurse and start out with his arms. Then I ask him to take off his shirt so I can start on his back. But before I get that far, I’m drawn in by his wings. I start caressing them and a shiver runs through Minhyuk’s body. I let a finger trace along a feather and then move on to the one next to it.

“I’ve always thought of wings as a symbol of freedom,” I whisper and lean my cheek against his warm soft skin, “being able to fly wherever you wanted, whenever you wanted. I wish I could grow my own wings and fly. I want to break free, like you did when you refused to take your father’s place. You left and became your own person. That’s what I want. To finally become who I should be. To be free.” Minhyuk moves and I lift my head so he can turn around. He looks at me for a few seconds before he reaches out and pulls me close. “I’ll teach you how to fly,” he whispers in my ear and now it’s my turn to have a shiver run through my body. I lean in closer and put my arms around him as well. As I sit here in his embrace, I suddenly feel an urge to do something I thought I wouldn’t be ready for in a long time. I break the hug and lean back so I can look him in the eye. I’ve decided, I’m gonna tell him.

He can probably see that I have something I want to say, because he looks at me patiently without saying a word. I take a deep breath and breathe out slowly.

“Ilhoon was the only person who truly cared about me while I grew up, so I  love him more than anything in the world. Often I felt like he was all I had,” I begin and can already feel the tears, “but my attachment to him wasn’t unhealthy until an incident when I was 15.” I can feel my throat tighten and I have to swallow to clear it up. Minhyuk sees my struggle and takes my hand in both of his. It helps and I get my voice back.

“When I was 15, I was in a car accident. I was in the car with a friend and her mother. We were on our way home and the weirdest thing is that, I can’t even remember where we had been. It was winter, so the road was icy and the car skid. It happened in front of a tunnel and the car’s front hit the wall of the tunnel. My friend and her mother was in the front seat, while I was in the back,” I clench Minhyuk’s hand as I fight to get the next words over my lips, “they both died on the spot.” The tears are flowing now and I can’t even be bothered to wipe them away. “I barely survived the crash and was rushed to the hospital. My left arm and leg were broken and I had fractured three ribs. One of the ribs had punctured my lung and worst of all was that both my kidneys ended up failing. So unless I got a new one fast, I wouldn’t survive. And that’s when Ilhoon stepped up. He immediately offered to give me one of his kidneys and after a test it turned out that we matched. We quickly went into surgery and my body accepted Ilhoon’s kidney so I started to get better. After I woke up from surgery, Ilhoon was by my side, even though he too had just been through surgery. He stayed there the entire time I was in the hospital and he never regretted the decision he made to give me one of his kidneys. After three months in the hospital, I started rehabilitation and Ilhoon continued to stay by my side and support me. Our parents and older brother rarely came by and after a few months they stopped coming altogether. Only Ilhoon was there for me. I feel like I owe Ilhoon my life because of this. If he hadn’t offered one of his kidneys, I wouldn’t have gotten surgery and would have died. I literally have a part of him in my body that helps keep me alive. And that’s why I’ve felt like I couldn’t live without him for so many years. I felt like he was literally what kept me alive. He stayed by my side the whole time, so I felt like I had to be by his side all the time, or else I would die. My attachment to him was very unhealthy and there was nothing I wouldn’t do to satisfy him and make him happy. All he had to do was ask and I would do it without hesitation. I put Ilhoon before anyone else. And I guess I kind of knew it wasn’t right and that even though Ilhoon cared a lot about me too, it was different from how I cared about him. I just couldn’t stop myself,” I have avoided Minhyuk’s eyes until now, when I raise my gaze and look at him through the blur of my tears, “but now I can. Thanks to you, I’ve realised that I needed to change. It’s thanks to you that I can now have to courage to turn it around. Thanks to you, I can finally stop living for someone else. So thank you for that.” Minhyuk smiles widely and leans in for a kiss. I return the kiss and smile through my tears. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders, and it’s like I can finally breathe freely. It was the right thing to tell him, there’s no doubt about that. Because now he understands. Or at least he knows the background story to why I’ve done and felt as I have in the past. It’s no excuse, but at least now he knows. And that’s something.