After comforting Sungjae, and telling him I’ll have a good talk with him later, all four of us head out. The rest of the band’s waiting in front of the stage where another band is practicing. Just as we arrive, the song ends and the band steps off stage.

“Are you gonna practice as well?” I ask and they all nod. “I think it’s our turn after the next band,” Ilhoon says just as another band makes their way on stage. Something catches Eunkwang’s eye and his mouth drops open. He touches Changsub’s arm and points at one of the guitarists of the band on stage. Changsub’s eyes widen and he catches Peniel’s attention before also pointing at the guitarist. Eventually all members are looking at the same guy with an identical expression of surprise. All except Minhyuk.

I turn to Ilhoon and ask who he is. Before Ilhoon gets a chance to answer, the guy notices us and he looks surprised at first, but then a smile spreads across his face. He puts down his guitar and jumps down from the stage. He heads straight towards my brother.

“Ilhoon-ah!” he exclaims as he pulls Ilhoon in for a hug. “Long time, no see, hyung,” Ilhoon says and returns the hug. I never see Ilhoon hug other guys, or girls for that matter. He dislikes skinship and I’m the only one he hugs because he really wants to. He looks slightly uncomfortable, but nothing like how he usually reacts when someone hugs him, which means he knows this guy very well and have for quite a while.

“No kidding, it feels like forever,” the guy says and pulls back, “didn’t expect to see you here at all.”

“Same to you, hyung,” Ilhoon says and looks at the guys still on stage, “did you make your own band?”

The tone in Ilhoon’s voice is so foreign to me. He has always been a brat and didn’t show respect to anyone. Not to sunbaes or teachers in school, not to our parents, no one. But it’s obvious to anyone with eyes and ears that Ilhoon respects this guy. That just makes me so much more curious as to who this guy is. A person who can make my brother show respect and someone who can hug Ilhoon without freaking him out. Who is this guy?

The guy his neck and looks slightly embarrassed. “Yeah, it kinda happened that way.”

“Hey, no hard feelings,” Ilhoon says and pats the guy’s shoulder. I catch my brother’s attention and ask again who it is.

“Oh yeah sure, introductions,” Ilhoon says and pushes me a bit forward, “Heejin this is the band’s former lead guitarist Im Hyunsik, and Hyunsik hyung this is my sister Heejin,” Hyunsik and I shake hands while exchanging a smile, “and this is who replaced you after you left, Lee Minhyuk.”

Ilhoon signals for Minhyuk to step forward, and he does. Hyunsik nods to Minhyuk and I guess he’s evaluating him, checking if it’s someone decent who took his place. But before Hyungsik can ask Minhyuk any questions, he’s called back on stage by s. He wishes our band good luck and then returns to his own band where he begins preparing. I turn to my brother and ask about Hyunsik.

“He used to be a member of BTOB?”

Ilhoon nods and tells me that when he first wanted to start the band, Hyunsik was the first to join. For a couple of months it was only the two of them trying to recruit members. They became really close during that time and Hyunsik had been in a band before so he taught Ilhoon everything he knew about what it’s like to play in a band. Hyunsik was also supposed to be the leader, but he trusted Ilhoon enough to let him take control and let him make the decisions. Ilhoon was devastated when Hyunsik decided to leave and tried to convince him to stay. But in the end he accepted the fact that Hyunsik wanted to go his own way and they haven’t been in contact since. Hyunsik left a hole in the band so they had to find a new lead guitarist. That’s where Minhyuk comes into the picture, and the rest is history.

The band and I sit in the back while we listen to Hyunsik’s band play, and I have to admit they’re pretty good. Besides being the lead guitarist and leader of his group, Hyunsik’s also the front singer. You wouldn’t expect a voice like that to come from a face like his. Hyunsik looks tough. He has a strong build with muscular arms sticking out from his t-shirt, which I can see covers a perfect sixpack, even from back here. When he’s focused, his face looks slightly stiff, serious and just a bit intimidating, with small eyes burdened by his single eyelids and tense lips. But earlier I saw what a smile does to his face and then he doesn’t look scary at all. I think Hyunsik has the prettiest eyesmile I’ve ever seen. It lights up his entire face and makes him resemble an innocent child. Not even his eyecatching silver hair will make you frown.

When Hyunsik’s band has finished, they leave the stage and it’s BTOB’s turn. I’m left alone in the back but am soon joined by Hyunsik. He sits down next to me on the couch where my brother sat just a moment ago.

“Hey,” he says and I smile. “Hey.”

“So what do you think of my band?” he asks and looks like my opinion would actually matter to him.

“You’re good and you have a great voice,” I say and then turn my head to look at BTOB getting ready on stage, “but you’re not as good as my brother’s band.”

Hyunsik doesn’t look offended or displeased with my answer instead he just nods and almost seems to agree with me.

“Yeah they’re something else,” he murmurs and also looks to the stage. His words raise a question in my mind and I want to ask.

“Why did you leave the band?”

Hyunsik tenses slightly and at that moment I’m convinced he isn’t going to answer. But then he takes a deep breath and changes his position on the couch.

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but everyone in BTOB has some kind of scar from the past,” Hyunsik says and I tell him I already know, “then you’ll also know that the band’s a bunch of broken people who’re just trying to get through their day. I don’t intend to sound mean, but that’s how it was when we first started out. Ilhoon didn’t have deep scars so I didn’t think much about it at first. But when more and more members joined, I began to feel misplaced because I had a happy childhood and nothing about my past left scars. I slowly began to realize I didn’t fit in with the other members, that I was different from them. In the end I felt like the only thing to do was to leave and find a band where I would fit in.”

I look at Hyunsik’s face, but he won’t meet my eyes. Maybe he feels a little bad about leaving Ilhoon since they were together from the beginning. Did Hyunsik break off all contact with Ilhoon because of guilt? I’m about to ask, when Hyunsik suddenly starts talking.

“While I watched new members being added to the band, I began wondering whether Ilhoon purposely sought out misfits on some heroic mission of his. I mean could he really manage to find four broken people by coincidence?” he says and a wry smile makes its way to his lips, “no matter what the case is, I support Ilhoon and the band completely. They work really hard and they deserve to be recognized for it.”

I couldn’t agree more. After what they’ve all been through, they deserve to succeed.

“Ilhoon’s a great leader when you consider how young he is,” Hyunsik says and I nod. “When I think about how irresponsible he was growing up, I’m impressed he has managed the band this well,” I say and Hyunsik agrees, “maybe he changed quickly after he left home. Maybe leaving changed him for the better.”

Hyunsik’s quiet for a while and I’m afraid I’ve made him uncomfortable. I decide to change to a more pleasant subject but Hyunsik’s faster.
“He talked about you often you know,” he says still without taking his eyes off Ilhoon. I don’t know why I’m surprised by that fact. It would make sense that he would at least mention my name, but I hadn’t expected he would mention me often.

“What did he say?” I ask and Hyunsik’s silent for a while. “He mentioned how he felt bad for leaving you behind,” he says and finally turns his head to look at me, “he said he regretted not taking you with him. He knew how you had to live because of the way he behaved. He kept telling himself that it would be easier for you and that your parents would cut you some slack if he left. He kept telling himself that, but he knew it wasn’t true. Nothing would change for the better just because he wasn’t there and he really wished he had brought you along back then.”

I’m shocked. Not only by the fact that that’s how my brother has felt these past two years, because trust me I had no idea, but also because Ilhoon would tell Hyunsik that. Ilhoon rarely opens up like that and I’m surprised he told Hyunsik something he hasn’t even told me.

“Was he right?” Hyunsik’s voice brings me back to the room and I suddenly realize BTOB has started playing.

“Right about what?”

“About nothing changing just because he left.”

I look at my brother on stage and even though I feel unconditional and endless love towards him, and know I always will, I also know that there’s a part of my heart that’ll forever be torn. A damage unfixable. Because no matter what happens, no one can change the fact that he did leave me behind. His regret won’t change that and my love for him won’t change that. A part of me, however small it may be, hates him for that and will never be able to forgive him.

“Something did change when my brother left,” I say and look at Hyunsik, “but for the worse.”

Hyunsik looks at me for a long while and I return his gaze.

“What about now?” he asks and my eyes waver just slightly. “Things have never been better,” I say and I’m taken aback by how fake it sounds. I am happy, aren’t I? I feel happy, and I smile and laugh a lot more. After my brother’s return everything has been great… hasn’t it? But that makes no sense, how can you not know something like that for sure?

I don’t get a chance to think more about it, because just then Ilhoon comes over. I haven’t even realized the band’s done and I basically missed their entire performance.

“Hyung are you flirting with Heejin?” Ilhoon asks while trying to sound intimidating. Hyunsik smiles and puts an arm around my shoulder.

“Yes, but don’t tell her brother, I hear he’s a psycho.”

Ilhoon starts laughing and it’s the first time I’ve experienced that he doesn’t mind a guy being close to me like this. Hyunsik must really be someone special for Ilhoon. More special than me? I wonder…

When we get home that night, I don’t feel tired for some reason. I’m usually always sleepy at this time, but I don’t feel like going to bed at all. Ilhoon apparently feels the same way ‘cause he walks straight for the couch and turns on the TV. Without any hesitation I join him. We just watch a show in silence for a while which gives me time to think. I can’t decide whether I should mention my conversation with Hyunsik or not. Even if I do mention it, there’s no guarantee Ilhoon will talk to me about it. Maybe he wouldn’t even acknowledge that he ever said that and claim that Hyunsik was lying. But it makes no sense that he would lie about it, because what would he gain from that? I’m 100% sure Hyunsik told the truth, and I think that that in itself is enough for now. I can always ask some other day. Or who knows, maybe my brother will mention it first someday.

We’ve been watching TV in silence for about half an hour when Ilhoon finally speaks.

“What did you and Hyunsik talk about?” he asks and I tense slightly. I just decided to have this conversation sometime in the future and not now. So I just tell him about one topic and not the whole conversation.

“He told me why he left BTOB, “I say and Ilhoon frowns. He apparently didn’t expect that.

“What exactly did he say?”

“He said that he felt like he didn’t fit in, because every member who joined the group, had some kind of troubled past, while he had a good upbringing,” I say and look away from my brother, “he said he didn’t know whether you purposely sought out ‘broken people’, as he called them, or if it was just a coincidence. But no matter which it is, he supports you and the band and sincerely hopes that you succeed.”

I hear him take a deep breath and I look at him out of the corner of my eye. His eyes are still on the screen, but I know he’s not seeing what’s going on there. His mind’s somewhere else entirely.

“You could say it started out as a coincidence, but along the way I purposely chose the ‘broken’ ones, as Hyunsik put it,” Ilhoon says and smiles wryly for a second, “I wanted to take the rejected and the outcasts and give them a second chance. Give them the opportunity to dream again. To reach for the stars. To feel that life is really worth living.”

I nod and completely understand what he means. I’m feeling the same urge to help them break free from the past and start life anew. Help them change the direction their life was going, before it’s too late to turn around.

“But I felt like no matter how much and how hard I tried, I couldn’t make a difference,” he says and twists his hands, “none of them got any better and I thought about giving up.”

He looks into my eyes and a smile spreads across his face. “But then you came along and changed everything.”

Ilhoon moves closer to me and puts an arm around me. He pulls me close and squeezes my shoulder.

“You helped me help them. You’ve affected all of their lives and they changed because of you. You helped Changsub, so he could take care of his son and shower him with love, without wondering if he’s a good father and if he’s taking proper care of him. You helped Peniel cope with his weakness and former drug addiction and now he has almost stopped smoking. You helped Eunkwang deal with his past and his scars, so that he can now remove his shirt without being afraid of people seeing him. And even Sungjae. Even though nothing much has changed yet, I know it will. You have given him the strength. I’m sure his relationship with his mother will slowly get better and he won’t get as many anxiety attacks when he sees ahjummas in the nightclub in the future,” he says and leans his cheek against the side of my head, “the only one you haven’t helped yet is Minhyuk, and he probably needs the most help.”

I frown and lean away so I can see my brother’s face. “What do you mean?”

Ilhoon’s expression darkens a little as he explains. “Amongst the members, Minhyuk’s the one with the deepest scars and the worst past. I probably don’t even know half of the story and he refuses to tell us. But we can feel it. Growing up hasn’t been easy for him.”

I’m shocked by Ilhoon’s words and I have no idea how to respond. If Minhyuk’s past is worse compared to the other members, then I can’t even begin to imagine what he has been through. What could be worse? I haven’t sensed anything, so either I’m dull or Minhyuk’s really good at hiding it. It’s probably most the latter ‘cause the members don’t know much either. It looks like Minhyuk wants to keep it hidden, which could mean he’s embarrassed about it or he’s scared what we’ll think about him. But now that I know there’s something, I begin imagining the worst. What my mind comes up with, is probably a lot worse than what actually happened. Or maybe I can’t even begin to imagine how bad it is. Either way I really want to know, I have to know. I would prefer for him to tell me, but if he refuses, I’ll find out myself. One way or another.