My eyes shoot open and I sit up abruptly. My whole body’s covered in sweat and I’m shaking. I take a few deep breaths and try to calm myself down. I hide my face in my hands while tears are streaming down my face. My heart’s beating painfully strong and I can hear the blood pumping in my ears. My body won’t calm down even though my brain has already realized what’s going on. A dream. It was just a dream. But it still felt so real.

I sit like that for a few minutes till I’ve calmed down a bit. My tears have stopped falling so I wipe my wet cheeks. I sniffle and take another deep breath. Then I look at the clock on my nightstand, it shows 2:33 AM. I want to sleep some more, but I’m afraid the nightmare will come back. I don’t want to ever experience that again, not even in a dream. I doubt I’ll be able to fall asleep anyway. I won’t calm down completely for a while so it’ll be impossible for me to fall asleep. I run a hand through my hair and feel my hand shaking. This isn’t gonna work, I’m a nerve wreck. I had something that could calm me down in the past when I had nightmares. Even though this is worse than any nightmare I’ve ever had, it’s worth a try. So I get out of bed and leave my room. I open the door to the room next to mine and walk inside. I close the door after me and have no problem moving around in the dark, because I know the room well enough. I walk over to the furthest corner of the room and then stop next to a bed. I don’t even hesitate before I first sit and then lie down on the bed. I crawl under the covers and lean in close to my brother’s chest. He moves a bit and I’m guessing I woke him up even though I tried not to.

“Heejin?” he asks in a sleepy voice. I don’t say anything and just clench his tank top in my hands.

“Nightmare?” he asks and I just nod. It isn’t the first time I’ve sought out comfort from my brother after a nightmare. When it comes to feeling safe, I’ve always thought about Ilhoon first. When I felt scared or sad, I would always seek my brother’s embrace, just like I’m doing now. Ilhoon doesn’t ask any questions and just puts his arm around me. I lean my cheek against his shoulder and close my eyes. In Ilhoon’s arms I always felt at home and I would immediately feel better. It has always been like that. So why doesn’t it work now? Why isn’t my breathing stabilizing and why isn’t my heart slowing down? Why don’t I feel comforted? It usually always works, so what has changed? I frown and try to force myself to calm down, but it’s not working. I still feel uneasy, worried and scared. Maybe it’s because my brother isn’t what caused the worry and the uneasiness. Normally my nightmares are about him getting hurt. So as soon as I saw him, touched him and was held by him, I could confirm that he was really okay and that it really was only a nightmare. But this time my nightmare wasn’t about Ilhoon, it was about Minhyuk getting hurt. My brother’s presence doesn’t comfort me, because he’s not the one whose safety I need to confirm.

I slowly open my eyes and breathe out. I need to see Minhyuk.

 A couple of minutes later Ilhoon has fallen asleep again, while I still feel anxious. I can’t stand it anymore. If I stay here much longer, I think I’ll go crazy. I have to see him, I need to see him. I don’t care if it’s the middle of the night, and I’m sure he’ll understand. I just need to see him.

I carefully remove Ilhoon’s arm while trying my best not to wake him. I don’t want to explain why I’m leaving and where I’m going in the middle of the night. I put his arm down by his side and wait a few seconds to see if he wakes up. Then I slowly get out of bed and leave the room on tiptoes. After changing out of my sleeping wear, I grab my car keys and leave the apartment.

 Half an hour later I park my car and get out. I jog to the apartment complex where Minhyuk’s apartment is. I hurry inside and for the first time in my life I curse at an elevator for being too slow. When it finally arrives, I get in and press the number. It’s just as slow going up as it was coming down and I curse again. The moment the doors open I get out and trot towards the door to Minhyuk’s apartment. Fortunately I know the password, so I just let myself in. I kick off my shoes and throw off my thin jacket. Then I move towards his bedroom and turn on the lights in the living room on the way. I quietly enter his room and sneak over to his bed. I let the door be open so a little light could get in. Not much, just enough for me to be able to see him. I look at every inch of his body in my search for a sign that he’s hurt, like blood, bruises or scratches. But he looks perfectly fine and intact as he’s lying there in bed, safe and sound. I spent a minute just looking at him sleeping and I’m grateful for every breath he takes. I’ve now confirmed that he’s alive and that it was only a nightmare, but I’m not quite satisfied yet. In the past I wanted Ilhoon to hold me and comfort me after a nightmare. But after this nightmare about Minhyuk, I don’t want him to hold me. I want to hold him. So I lie down next to him, just like I did with Ilhoon. Minhyuk has his back turned to me, but that doesn’t matter. I just need to feel him. I put an arm around his waist and lean my cheek against his shoulder blade. He’s wearing a tank top, which makes his shoulder’s bare. I can feel the warmth from his body on my cheek and it makes me smile widely. I can feel his heartbeat through his back and it only makes me happier. Minhyuk’s warm and he’s breathing. He’s alive.

Having confirmed that he’s alive, and holding him, makes me calm down completely and I finally feel at peace, which means I also begin to feel really sleepy. I yawn and my eyelids feel very heavy all of a sudden. I tug even closer in to Minhyuk and kiss his shoulder before I close my eyes and surrender to sleep.

 When I open my eyes again I can sense that something’s missing. I turn my head to both sides and reach out my hand. It doesn’t take long for me to realize that I’m alone in bed. At first I wonder if me coming to Minhyuk’s place was a part of my dream, but I quickly recognize his room and dismiss that idea. I can see that it’s light outside, so it’s morning and he probably just got up before I woke up. I look at the clock on the nightstand and it says 7:07 am. It’s still early so why is he up?  

I push the covers aside and get out of bed. I stretch my arms while making my way to the living room. I can hear rummaging from the kitchen and see Minhyuk by the stove. I let myself enjoy the sight for a few seconds before I walk over to him. I put my arms around him from behind and he flinches slightly. I lean my cheek against his back and sigh happily.

“Why didn’t you sleep some more?” he asks and I snort. “I could ask you the same,” I murmur, still half asleep and he chuckles. I’m really glad that I chose to come here, even though it was in the middle of the night. I would’ve never found peace if I hadn’t seen him and held him, and now holding him again, while listening to his breathing, I feel relieved once again. He really is okay.

“Do you mind explaining why you were in my bed when I woke up? Because I don’t remember you being there when I went to sleep,” he says and moves sideways towards the fridge while I refuse to let go of him. “I had a nightmare,” I say as he opens the fridge and picks out what he needs. “What happened in your nightmare?” he asks as we move back to the stove. I remember some details from my dream and shiver when I see Minhyuk’s dead eyes in my head. He looks at me over his shoulder and his eyes are concerned. I say I don’t want to talk about it and after a few seconds of silence, he accepts it. I’m not ready to tell him yet. Maybe some other time, but not now. The nightmare’s still fresh in my memory and just thinking about it makes my heart clench. I probably won’t be able to leave this apartment for a while because of the unsettling feeling I’ll get as soon as I’m away from Minhyuk. But I can’t stick to him like this for the entire day, so I let go of him and leave the kitchen. I walk around the living room when Minhyuk’s acoustic guitar suddenly catches my eye. I walk over and look at it. I know he won’t mind me playing, so I pick it up and bring it to the couch where I sit down with it. After checking if it’s tuned, I start playing a slow song. Minhyuk hums along to the melody for a while before he then changes over to singing.

“It’s just sometimes I miss you. I miss kissing you and hugging you. It’s just sometimes I want to see you, but today it’s making me cry” then he turns around and walks over to me while he continues to sing, “inside this drawer I opened, there are pictures of you smiling. Can’t throw them out, I’m afraid I’ll lose you completely.”

When he reaches me, he leans down and kisses me on the lips. I smile slightly and stop playing.

“You know Crush?” I ask and Minhyuk nods as he walks back to the kitchen. I can’t stop smiling while I watch him. How come that no matter what he does I find him charming? It’s down to the little things others might not even notice. Like the way he eats is charming, the way he walks and runs is attractive and even how he looks when he drinks through a straw attracts me. He can make my heart flutter so easily and he always knows what to do to make me smile or blush. Is he aware of the effect he has on me? Am I completely aware of the effect he has on me?

My thoughts are interrupted when Minhyuk suddenly asks me a question.

“Can you play other instruments besides guitar?”

“I started playing violin and piano when I was very young,” I reply and put the guitar back where I took it, “but I haven’t really played much for the past two years.”

“Why?” he asks and I shrug. “I lost interest I guess, if I ever had any to begin with.”

Minhyuk frowns but doesn’t ask any more questions. I don’t know how much Ilhoon has told about our parents, but Minhyuk probably knows that my household isn’t exactly a loving one. And if he has any questions he’s holding back and keeping them to himself, which I’m really grateful for. I don’t really feel like talking about my parents or my childhood. It’s not exactly a good or cheerful story.

After finishing breakfast Minhyuk suggests that I take a shower and then go home before Ilhoon wakes up and realizes I’m gone. But I’m still not ready to leave yet. The shower sounds good though and I’m on my way to the bathroom when I suddenly get an idea.

“Oppa~,” I say and look at Minhyuk with big eyes. Minhyuk looks taken aback and a little worried. “I don’t like it when you call me oppa. That means you want something,” he says and I smile innocently. “I don’t think you’ll dislike what I want from you,” I say and Minhyuk’s uneasiness turns into suspiciousness and then finally curiosity. He hesitantly asks what it is that I want.

“You have a bathtub right?” I ask and he nods, “can I use it?”

“Is that all you want?” he asks and I bite my lip before I shake my head. “I want to take a bath in the bathtub…” I say and look down, “with you…”

It’s silent for a couple of seconds and I can’t figure out if it’s a good or a bad sign. Should I not have asked? Is it weird? Does he thinks it’s dirty to take a bath with someone else?

I’m about to take my request back when I hear the chair scrape over the floor as Minhyuk gets up. He walks around the table and I keep my head down because I’m too shy to look him in the eye. Then without warning he grabs my hand and pulls me to my feet.

“What are you doing?” I ask as he starts pulling me with him. “What do you think?” he asks and before I can answer we enter the bathroom. Minhyuk lets go of my hand and then turns on the water in the bathtub. I cover my mouth to mask a chuckle and say: “That didn’t take much persuasion.”

“Of course not,” he says and turns around with a smile, “I’ve wanted to try this for a while.”

When the bathtub’s full we both take our clothes off and get in. The water temperature’s just perfect and it feels good as I sit down. Minhyuk then turns my back towards him and begins washing my back with a washcloth. I bend my neck and enjoy it wholly.

I still feel a little shy, but not so much that it’s uncomfortable. Like Minhyuk, I wanted to try this and it’s actually quite nice. The bathtub’s a little small and I have to bend my legs a little even when I’m alone in the tub. But I don’t mind sharing it with Minhyuk even one bit. Because the tub’s small, we have to sit close together and that’s fine with me. It’s just another excuse to be close to my boyfriend.

Suddenly Minhyuk stops washing my back and instead he puts his arms around me and pulls me close. I gasp out of surprise but don’t try to pull away. He rests his chin on my shoulder and sighs heavily.

“I love you. So much,” he whispers into my ear and a shiver runs through my entire body. I’m really tense because I wasn’t prepared, but as I feel his chest against my back, and its movement caused by his breathing, I get more relaxed in his arms. Minhyuk caresses my arms and I lean my head against his shoulder.

While we’re sitting like this I suddenly remember a question I’ve wanted to ask him for a while and I think now is a good time because of the relaxed atmosphere.

“Minhyuk,” I say and he makes a sound that means he’s listening, “have you ever heard the rumors about you? The ones the band’s fans talk about.”

“Some of them, why?”

I bite my lower lip and hesitate a little before I ask another question. “Is your father dead?”

Minhyuk’s hands stop caressing my arms and I feel him tense up a little. I know it’s not a very pleasant topic of conversation, but it’s been bugging me for a while and I could at least ask. If he doesn’t want to answer I’ll accept it and not ask anymore.

Minhyuk’s silent for a little while and then I hear him breathe out heavily through his nose.

“You’re asking about the rumor that says I killed my father?” he asks and I nod slowly. He doesn’t say any more and I free myself from his embrace so I can turn around to face him. His face is expressionless and it doesn’t give a hint about what’s going on inside his head. I probably shouldn’t have asked ‘cause he seems uncomfortable talking about it. It makes sense too, talking about your dead father wouldn’t be easy for anyone. I’m about to tell him that we don’t have to talk about it, but he’s faster.

“My father was killed, just not by me.”

I can feel the air around us get more and more tense and slightly awkward. Minhyuk doesn’t seem to be ready to tell me about what happened to his father and I won’t pressure him or make him feel like he has to tell me. So instead I need to change the subject to something a little lighter.

“So a false rumor?” I ask and Minhyuk nods, “then what about you being a star in Japan?”

Minhyuk picks up on what I’m trying to do and he smirks. “Do you think it’s true?” he asks and I act like I’m thinking about it. “Judging from your skills in bed, I doubt it,” I say and smile mischievously. “Yah!” Minhyuk exclaims and before he can say more I give him a quick light kiss. “Just kidding.”

“You’re getting cheeky,” Minhyuk says and then he smirks, “I like it.”

I smile widely and tug into Minhyuk’s chest. He my hair and rests his head on top of mine. I got my question answered, but I can sense that there’s more to it than what other people know. I think that even his band members don’t know the whole story, and that there’s a good reason for that. I’m curious, but I don’t want to force it out of Minhyuk. If he ever feels like talking about his father, I’ll let him come to me first and tell me himself. And if that day never comes, then I’ll accept it as well. Because some secrets are better off hidden.

Sorry that I'm so slow with updates. I'm working on different projects and one of them needs my main focus till the end of February. I can't say when the next chapter will be up, but hopefully it won't be like a month from now. But at least this chapter is finally up and I hope you enjoy it ^^