I haven’t moved much since Ilhoon left the apartment. Actually I’ve only sat down because I felt like my legs couldn’t carry me anymore. I don’t even know how much time has passed. It could be minutes, hours or even days. But it doesn’t really matter, ‘cause no matter how long it’ll take, I’ll wait for my brother, right here.

My eyelids are getting very heavy when I finally hear someone enter the password to the apartment. I try to stand, but my legs have gone numb and I fall over just as Ilhoon enters. He looks surprised to see me on the floor, but doesn’t say anything. He kicks off his shoes and walks towards me. I smile as I expect him to help me up, but he just walks right past me and enters his room. He closes the door and I clearly hear the lock. The message is clear, he has shut me out. As soon as I can feel my legs, I get up and walk over to his door.

“Ilhoon-ah,” I say and knock softly on the door. There’s no answer, but I didn’t really expect that either.

“Ilhoon-ah, please talk to me,” I say and lean my forehead against the door, “I don’t want us to be this way. Please don’t shut me out. I don’t wanna lose you. You’re the one I love the most in this world. I need you.”

It’s still quiet on the other side of the door and I start crying as I sink to the floor. Turning my back, I lean against the door and close my eyes. I let the tears flow freely but try to be as quiet as possible. I think about half an hour has passed before I finally get up and go to my room. I know I won’t get any sleep tonight.

I think I got two hours of sleep and I’ve been lying awake for a long time, when finally I hear the sound of my brother getting up. I jump out of bed and run out of my room. Shortly after Ilhoon comes out of his room and he barely notices me as he walks towards the bathroom.

“We need to talk,” I say but he doesn’t respond. He just enters the bathroom and shuts the door in my face.

“At least give me a chance to explain,” I beg but there’s still no response, “are you really gonna be this way towards your own sister?”

The door opens and Ilhoon steps out.

“Just keep talking, I always yawn when I’m interested,” he says and yawns dramatically. He continues to his room and also shuts that door in my face.

“So no matter what I say, you won’t care?” I ask and lean against the door. “Bingo!” he says and I sigh. No matter what I say or do, it won’t make any difference right now. I know how stubborn he can be, and there’s no chance he’ll listen or talk to me. So I drag myself back to my room and curl up on my bed. I listen to Ilhoon moving around for a while until he eventually leaves the apartment. I close my eyes and let the tears flow free.

 I stay in bed for the entire day. I do nothing else but cry, sleep and stare at the wall when I run out of tears. My phone has been ringing a lot so eventually I turned it off. I know Minhyuk and Sehun have stopped by, but I locked my door so they weren’t able to get in. Eventually they gave up and left. I know they’re concerned and just want to make sure I’m not doing something stupid. But I can’t face them right now. I don’t want to see anyone. I just want my brother back.

A few days pass and Ilhoon continues to ignore me. I’m losing my mind and I have no idea what to do. I haven’t been to school and I’ve barely eaten. I haven’t really left my room either and haven’t had contact with anyone. I know my friends are concerned, but I just don’t have the energy to do anything. Sehun’s the one who has tried the hardest to get a hold of me, and today I actually feel like seeing him. Before I can change my mind, I reach out for my phone and write a text message.

I need you…

I send it to Sehun and lean back. Only a few seconds pass before an answer comes.

On my way.

I put the phone on the nightstand and close my eyes. I need someone to tell me that everything’s goona be okay. I might not believe it, but I still need to hear it.

45 minutes later I hear the front door open and then close. Shortly after there’s a hard knock on the door to my room and I get up to unlock it. As soon as the lock clicks, the door flies open and Sehun pulls me in for a hug. He squeezes me and I hear him sob silently.

“Are you okay?” I ask and his back comfortingly. “Who cares about me?!” he says and almost sounds offended, if it wasn’t for the sniffles, “are you okay?”

I want to say yes, but I can’t lie to Sehun. Besides I wouldn’t say I needed him if I was okay. So I tell him the truth.

“I’m anything but okay, Sehun,” I say and can’t hold back the tears, “Ilhoon looks at me like I’m a stranger and it’s killing me…”

Sehun the back of my head and I calm down a bit.

“I doubt that Ilhoon would be able to cut you off completely. You’re twins and share a special bond,” Sehun says in a caring voice and kisses the top of my head, “give him time, he’ll come around.”

I feel a bit reassured by his words, but the anxiety won’t completely disappear. I just can’t see how this coolness between Ilhoon and I can be resolved. I’m willing to do everything to get him back, but if he never talks to me again, I might just lay down and die.

Because I haven’t eaten well these past few days, Sehun takes me out for lunch to make sure I get some nutrition. We go to a samgyeopssal place and Sehun orders three servings. We haven’t been there for very long when suddenly a very familiar face appears at the restaurant entrance. Sehun waves to catch Peniel’s attention and he comes over to sit with us.

“What are you doing here?” I ask flustered because I didn’t expect to meet anyone I know, especially not someone from the band. “Sehun called and said you were finally out, so I came over right away,” he says and I don’t like the stern look on his face, “I need to talk to you.”

“Well this doesn’t sound good,” I say in a voice that’s a little too high, because I try to lift the tense atmosphere. It doesn’t work.

“It’s about the band,” Peniel begins and I feel my stomach tighten, “a few days ago Ilhoon showed up to practice and we could all feel that something was wrong. He was distant and tense the whole time. We could also all feel a cold air between him and Minhyuk. They didn’t exchange a word and wouldn’t even look each other in the eye. But no matter how much we asked, none of them would tell us what was going on. But then yesterday the atmosphere got so tense and finally exploded. The two of them had a huge fight over you.”

I look down and don’t know what to do or say. I guess everyone knows now.

“We all heard their fight but didn’t quite understand. Minhyuk accused Ilhoon of taking advantage of your love for him and that he abused you. That made Ilhoon snap and he hit Minhyuk. Then he kicked him out of the band and told him to never come near you again. Minhyuk accepted having to leave the band, but he refused to stay away from you.”

I have a clenching feeling in my heart as I listen to Peniel. I ruined the one thing that my brother probably treasures most in this world. Something he worked hard to put together and now it’s gone. And it’s all my fault. No wonder he’ll never see me again. I wouldn’t want to see me again.

After Peniel’s revelation, I don’t feel like being outside at all. So I get up and walk towards the exit.

“Heejin, aren’t you going to eat?” Sehun asks as he hurriedly follows me outside. “I’ve lost my appetite,” I mumble and head for home. I don’t know if Peniel’s following us or not, and I honestly don’t really care. I can only think about getting home and hide under the covers in fetal position. Sehun on the other hand follows me all the way and I can’t get myself to make him go away. He came when I said I needed him and I can’t send him away now. Besides I probably need him around even more now than I did before. Because I’m gonna torment myself about this. I did something really bad. I ruined the dynamic in the band and because of my stupidity and selfishness, BtoB doesn’t have a lead guitarist anymore. That means they can’t go out and play gigs. Just as they got popular, I had to go and mess it up. I know how hard Ilhoon worked to persuade Minhyuk to join the band, because of how good his skills with the guitar is. But now Ilhoon threw out Minhyuk, because of his relationship with me, which makes all of his past efforts seem wasted. He’ll never forgive me. He’ll hate me forever. And I have no idea how to fix this, if this is even fixable. I don’t know what to do at all. I just want to go to sleep. So I drag myself into my room and lie down on my bed. I hear Sehun enter the room and he sits down on the bed side. He takes off my socks and puts the cover over me. He tugs me in and my hair.

“It’ll be okay,” he says and tugs a strand of hair behind my ear, “I promise.”

I close my eyes and let out a sigh. I wish I could believe him. I truly do. But at this point I’m not very optimistic.

When I wake up the next morning, Sehun’s gone, but I find a note from him on the nightstand.

Come to school today, for your own good. I’m serious!

I can’t help but smile slightly at his cute attempt to force me. And I know he’s right. I’m driving myself insane enough as it is, and being here all the time doesn’t exactly make it any better. Maybe a change of scenery would do me good. As much as I would like to stay in my bed under the covers for the rest of eternity, that won’t change anything. Ilhoon won’t come back either way. So I make a decision and drag my heavy body out of bed.

Two hours later I enter the classroom and shortly after I’m being attacked by three bodies that all struggle to hug me at the same time.

“Are you okay?”

“How are you?”

“I’m so glad to see you!”

They all speak at once and the voices blend together. I’m happy that they’re happy to see me, because it reminds me that someone cares about me. Though I feel a little squeezed.

“Can’t breathe,” I groan and they all let go. They look at me with obvious concern in their eyes and I feel like I need to ensure them I’m not gonna go and commit suicide or something crazy like that.

“I’m fine. Or as fine as I can be under these circumstances,” I say and all three of them reach out to or caress me. All I can do is thank them and follow them to our seats just as the bell rings.

After the last class is finished, Sehun and I leave together. The day felt long and I couldn’t really focus on much that the teacher said, but that wouldn’t be the first time. Luckily though I managed to forget about Ilhoon for a couple of minutes every now and then. It was nice, but also a little sad when I realized I forgot him for even a moment. I want some peace of mind but I feel bad when I allow myself to let Ilhoon go for even a second. I know I shouldn’t torment myself into feeling this way. But I guess it’s the punishment I’ve chosen for myself. Suffer every second that I think about my brother and making sure that I can’t think about anything else.

I realize Sehun’s talking to me but I haven’t heard a single word he’s said. It was probably something encouraging or comforting, so I just smile and hope that’s enough. It looks like it is, ‘cause he just smiles back and doesn’t say anymore. I know I shouldn’t treat him like that but right now I don’t have the space in my mind to be concerned about it. It already feels like it’s gonna explode. And it can only be resolved one way. Just then I feel my phone vibrate and when I look at it, my heart skips a beat. It’s a text from Ilhoon and it’s the first time he has contacted me since he shut me out. I open the text and read it.

We need to talk. Come to the café.

I read it a couple of times to be sure that it’s not just wish thinking. He wants to see me. He really wants to see me. A big smile spreads across my face and I turn to Sehun.

“I have to go, Ilhoon wants to see me,” I say and before Sehun can say or do anything, I’m already on my way to my car in sprint.

When I reach the café I hurry inside and expect to see my brother waiting. But I get a lot more than that. The whole band, including Minhyuk’s there, and all heads turn to me as I enter. I hesitantly step closer with a worried feeling in my stomach. “What’s going on?”

“Sit down,” Ilhoon says and gestures to a chair in front of him. I want to ask more questions, but right now I don’t wanna risk upsetting him further, so I just do as he says. I look around the room and my gaze stops when I reach Minhyuk. It’s the first time I see him since… the incidence. He’s standing in the corner and looking at the ground. He’s purposely avoiding my gaze and I can’t exactly blame him. I’ve treated him very poorly and avoided him, ignoring his calls and refused to see him. I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t want to be with me anymore after this. Which is a thought I haven’t allowed myself to have until now. It’s just too painful with everything that’s already going on. Allowing myself to feel that pain, on top of the pain of my brother’s coolness, would tear me apart. So I avert my gaze back to Ilhoon but I don’t find any comfort there either. His face is indifferent and doesn’t give me any hint about what’s going to happen. But I’m pretty sure I can rule out something good. The atmosphere’s way too tense for that. It’s been quiet for a while when Ilhoon finally talks.

“I’ve been thinking about what to do about this whole… situation,” he says and pauses for a short while, “I told you very clearly that I didn’t want you to date any of my band members and yet you chose to do it anyway. But that not the worst part.”

He squints and holds my gaze so I can’t look away. “If you had just told me that you liked him, it would have been different. Yes I would have been pissed, but I would get over it eventually. But going behind my back like this, keeping me in the dark, that’s not okay. Do you really fear me that much? What exactly did you expect me to do if you told me? Did you really think I would rip you away from him if he made you happy?”

My brother’s words cut my heart like a knife and I can’t stop the tears. He’s right. The reason why I couldn’t tell him was because I expected him to take Minhyuk away from me. I never doubted that he would do it. But hearing this from him, proves to me that I couldn’t have been more wrong. I made a big mistake. The truth must show in my eyes, because Ilhoon takes a step back but still doesn’t look away.

“So that’s really what you think of me, huh. If you think your brother and boyfriend can’t exist together, then that’s what you’ll get. I’ll be the bad guy.”

Then he walks over, grabs Minhyuk and pulls him in front of me. I look confused at my brother and have a bad feeling about where this is going.

“I want you to choose. Right here, right now,” Ilhoon says and my heart sinks, “your brother or your boyfriend.”

I can’t believe I’m in this situation. The exact situation I feared is now happening and I’m feeling completely helpless. It’s too painful to look at my brother, whose expression makes him look like a complete stranger. So instead I avert my gaze to Minhyuk and for the first time he raises his gaze and meets my eyes. The pain and utter resignation in his eyes is killing me. This is even worse than the dream I had. It’s like he’s already given up on me choosing him, not allowing himself to even hope for it. I can see it so clearly on his face, he won’t grab me by the wrist and run off with me like he did in my dream. He has given up on me. The only way to keep him, is for me to grab his wrist and take him with me. If I don’t, I can never get him back. It’ll truly be over.

I get up from the chair and take a final look at both of them. My brother who looks at me with indifference, though still expects me to choose him and my boyfriend who looks at me like I’ve already left him. I close my eyes, take a deep breath through my nose and hold it for a while. Then I exhale, open my eyes and take a step forward.