“Do you remember some of the crazy rumors you heard about me?” Minhyuk asks and I nod, “most of them are bull of course, but one rumor said that I was the leader of a mafia gang. That’s very close to the truth.”

I don’t really know how to react to this revelation so I just end up looking at him confused. “I guess you could say that my childhood was the classic recipe for disaster,” he begins and pauses for a moment before he continues, “my mother died when I was four years old and my father wasn’t affectionate. But in the matter where I stand out from other children, is that my father was the leader of an underground gang.”

Minhyuk turns his head and looks out the window, which I’m happy about, because I can’t hide my shocked expression. I know of these underground gangs that often have loan sharks among them. They lend people in tough financial situations money, and when the money aren’t paid back in time, these loan sharks threaten and often also beat up the people who owe them money. In worse cases they target the person’s family. I’ve heard scary stories about these kinds of people and I can’t even begin to imagine what it would be like to grow up in such an environment, surrounded by those people. Yet I can’t quite imagine Minhyuk in that scenery. How could it not shape him, like it would most people? I listen to Minhyuk continue his story.

“I never felt that I fitted in with my father and his people. Yet he would always try to include me in his work and the gang’s activities, telling me that I would someday have to take over after him. I never showed any interest, but he had made his decision.” Minhyuk continues to stare blankly out the window, and I can’t really read his expression. Though his tone of voice  tells me he really doesn’t like thinking or talking about this subject, so I really appreciate the fact that he’s willing to tell regardless. And I have no intention to hurry him, since he’s struggling with it enough as it is. He’ll tell me at his own pace.

A few moments pass by before he picks up where he left off.

“Despite the circumstances my father lived with, I guess I hadn’t really thought dealing with his wishes wouldn’t be necessary until years into the future. But unfortunately it came way sooner that expected. It all became very real the day my father was shot dead by a rival gang and his people suddenly stood without a leader.”

Even though it’s obvious that Minhyuk is trying to distance himself from his father, I can sense that the fact that his father is dead pains him and revisiting the day he died, makes him very sad. A father is a father after all.

“Everyone having heard my father’s desire to have me take over the gang, they all looked to me as their new leader. I was only 20 years old at the time. I was just a kid, and still with no desire to follow in my father’s footsteps, I did the only thing I could think of. I ran away. I’m not proud of it, but I didn’t know what else to do. So I grabbed my guitar, which was my only comfort, and some clothes, and then I just left, without looking back. But something kept bugging me. I guess a part of my father's 'ideals' had rubbed off on me, because I just couldn't seem to let his death go. I knew he had been killed, we all knew and I also knew by whom. So a year passed before I couldn't take it anymore and I had to do something. I knew I wouldn't have peace before I had avenged him." The word 'avenge' makes my stomach tighten and I fear the worst. Could Minhyuk possibly have...? "So I found his house and I expected myself to get cold feet once I actually had to do what I intended. But surprisingly enough I didn't hesitate for a second when I snuck in, poured gasoline all over his living room furniture and set the whole thing on fire."
I gasp and quickly cover my mouth to try and hide how petrified I really am. I never thought Minhyuk would be able to take another person's life, no matter what situation he was put in. Minhyuk turns and looks at me with obvious pain and regret in his eyes.
"I'm not quite the person you thought I was, huh?" he says with a sad smile on his lips, "I didn't even know that I was capable of doing something like that until I had done it. And there's nothing I regret more and probably nothing I'll ever regret more for the rest of my life."
He hides his face in his hands and I think he's ashamed to have me know this about him. I don't know if he expects or maybe even fears that this will change my opinion of him or my feelings for him. If that really is the case, then I have to let him know, that for me this doesn't change anything, at least what my feelings for him are concerned. So I reach out a hand and starts caressing his hair gently. At first he stiffens, but after some time he raises his head slightly from his hands and looks at me out of the corner of his eye. I smile at him with nothing but love and support in my eyes. I hope this shows him that he hasn't scared me away. He hesitates for a short while before he lowers his hands and smiles at me with relief in his eyes. He knows. Then he takes a deep breath and continues.

“I wanted to kill him and make him suffer in the process, but he got out before the fire got to him. And now I’m very happy that he did, ‘cause I don’t think I could live with myself having someone’s life on my conscience,” Minhyuk says and shivers just thinking about it, “But back then I just wanted him dead and felt frustrated when my plan failed. He could see that, so even though gangs refuse to involve police, he reported me, so I wouldn’t get a chance to try and kill him again. But since they couldn’t exactly prove that I had intended to kill him, and he couldn’t give them a reason for me wanting him dead, since that would mean he had to tell them he killed my father, they couldn’t charge me with attempted murder. So I just got a sentence for arson and had to spend 11 months in prison. Though I ended up staying there for a year and six months because I got into fights with other inmates.”

He tries to sound like it’s nothing, but it’s plain to anyone that he really regrets the choices he’s made in the past and that he doesn’t want to be the person he was then. He’s probably tried really hard to forget about it and hide it from those around him. which also explains why I never suspected anything. I would never have guessed that Minhyuk had spent time in prison, but I guess that explains why he didn’t want me to see his record when he got the job at the café. And why he could only get a job at a sleazy bar before. Probably the only two places that wouldn’t ask any questions. But there’s no doubt in my mind that if I had seen his record back then and he had explained his situation, I wouldn’t have turned my back on him. I would most likely have been more reserved around him, since I wasn’t really in love with him back then, or at least I wasn’t aware of it. But no matter the case, the fact that Minhyuk isn’t a cold blooded killer remains the same. And that I would have realized. Just like I know it now.

I reach out and take his hand in mine. I show him how much I appreciate him telling me his story while I keep assuring him that he won’t lose me and encouraging him to continue till the end.

“I was a mess after I got out of prison. Being in there took a toll on my temper and I got angry very easily. I would snap at the slightest provocation, and there’s a lot of that in prison. During some periods I would feel angry all the time. Punching someone didn’t bother me at all, even if he didn’t deserve it. I had seven months added to my sentence because of fighting and when my first given 11 months had passed, I knew for sure that I would finished the job that had sent me there. But then something changed and I started thinking. What prison had done to me, I really didn’t like, and I realized that I didn’t want to be the person I had become. So I started contemplating whether or not I was really set on killing the man that had taken my father away. In the end I concluded it wasn’t worth it and I was better than that. But my temper was no near under control when I got out and I had no idea what to do or where to go. Knowing for sure I couldn’t go home, because that would mean returning to my father’s gang and I had no money to rent a place of my own or even stay at a motel for very long. So I ended up couch surfing at some really shady people’s places, while I played my guitar on the street for some money. That’s how Ilhoon found me.” I twitch slightly at the mention of my brother’s name. I’ve been curious about what he’s been doing ever since he left, and now I’m finally gonna get a sneak peek at what’s happened. But strangely enough I’m not sure how I feel about it.

“He heard me play and immediately came up and asked me to join his band, saying they needed a guitarist. Since I still struggled with my temper at the time and tended to hurt those around me when I flipped, I figured that being around people wouldn’t be the best idea, so I turned him down. That didn’t discourage him though and he kept trying to get me to join over several weeks. It was only after meeting the other members and finding out that I wasn’t the only troubled one, that I felt I found a place where I might belong. And so I ended up joining, and it’s one of the best decisions I ever made,” he says and smiles wryly at me, “it even resulted in me meeting you, which is the best thing that ever happened to me.”

I return his smile and lean in to give him a kiss. He returns it and all the weight that I didn’t even notice had weighed down on my heart, suddenly lifts, leaving me light as a feather. It feels like I just let go of something that I didn’t even know I had been holding on to. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this free. I break the kiss and look into Minhyuk’s gorgeous brown eyes and can’t help but smile. He has been through hell throughout his life and he has every reason to have made all the wrong choices. But he didn’t. He decided he was better than that and changed the direction his life was going. A direction that in the end lead to me, which changed his life as well as mine forever. The fortune teller suddenly pops into my head and there’s no longer any shadow of a doubt that Minhyuk is the person I was supposed to meet. And I’m also pretty sure that he came to change my life for the better. I will appreciate our encounter for the rest of my life.

After telling me his story, Minhyuk started to drift off, and even though he tried to continue having a conversation with me, he ended up falling asleep. I can’t bring myself to leave him, so I sit by his side and hold his hand while I watch him sleep. However creepy that might sound to some, I’m more lost in thought that staring at a sleeping person’s face. Now that I know for sure that he’s gonna be fine, I think back to how I felt towards Ilhoon, when I wasn’t sure how Minhyuk was doing. I know that blaming him isn’t fair and that I just wanted someone to blame, so I could handle the fear of losing Minhyuk. Normally I would feel bad about thinking like that about my brother, but surprisingly enough, there’s no guilt. I don’t feel a need to look for him and assure him that I don’t regret the choice I made in the café. Because the truth is that I do regret it. If I could do it over, I wouldn’t choose my brother. I wouldn’t choose Minhyuk either. Instead I would defy my brother’s wish and refuse to choose between them. Telling Ilhoon that if he wants to stay in my life, he would have to accept my relationship with Minhyuk. Never in my life have I felt this kind of strength to do what I truly believe is right. For so many years I’ve blindly followed my brother’s wishes and desires without hesitation. But something is different. I’m different. And it feels great.

Then another thought crosses my mind. I can’t help but once again compare the situation in the café to the dream I had. If I had chosen Minhyuk and left with him, could my dream possibly have come true? A year ago I would have never believed in supernatural/superstitious stuff like predictions. But after meeting that fortune teller, who told me I would meet Minhyuk, I’m not sure everything is as black and white as I used to think. Maybe my dream was a prediction of what could happen if things played out in a certain way. But it could also just have been a manifestation of my fear of losing Minhyuk, which has probably lured in the back of my mind for the most part of our relationship. I guess that will always be a mystery.