With determination and a heavy heart, I step forward and stand by my brother’s side. I take his hand and look down at my feet with tears in my eyes.

“I’m sorry,” I say in a husky voice. There’s nothing else I can do but apologise. I love Minhyuk, I really do. But Ilhoon is my brother, and no matter what happens, I can’t leave him. Partly because I love him and owe him, but also because I promised I would stay with him forever. So no matter how painful it is to let Minhyuk go, I have no choice if I want to keep my brother.

Minhyuk doesn’t say anything, and I can’t get myself to look up as I hear him leave the café. He’s gone, and it’s for real this time. We can never save this. What we had, I chose to throw away, and there’s no reason why Minhyuk should hold onto us by himself. Which is probably what he concluded himself too.

I hate Ilhoon for giving me this ultimatum, and I wish I could fight more to keep them both. But I feel like it’s a fight I could never win. And apparently I’m too weak to even try. At least I’ll get what I wanted, my brother back. Yet it doesn’t feel as good as I had hoped. I actually feel a bit empty knowing I’ve lost Minhyuk. Looking up at my brother now, I don’t feel relieved at all. It wasn’t supposed to turn out this way.

The rest of the band is obviously uncomfortable about the situation and sad about the outcome, but no one knows what to say, so nothing is being said. After a few minutes, Eunkwang leaves the café, probably to go after Minhyuk. I’m glad that at least someone will be there for him when I can’t. Sungjae and Changsub also ends up leaving the awkward atmosphere, only leaving Ilhoon, Peniel and myself. I can see on Peniel’s face that he too wants to leave, but something holds him here. I know he looks at me with a sorrowful expression, when he thinks I’m not looking. And my brother I can’t even look at. I don’t know how long the three of us stay at the café in this awkward silence, but suddenly the silence is violently broken as Eunkwang comes storming through the door. We all look at him as he’s trying to catch his breath. He appears to have been running with all his might ‘cause it takes several deep breaths and a few coughs before he can speak.

“Minhyuk,” he says in a hoarse voice and swallows, “it’s… Minhyuk.” My stomach tightens as I fear what could have happened to him. Did he go and do something crazy and get in trouble? Or did he disappear without a trace? Or maybe… did he get in an accident? I wait impatiently for Eunkwang’s next words.

“Hosp… hospital,” he stammers and the knot tightens even more. “He’s in the hospital?” I’m grateful for Peniel’s question, because I don’t think I’m able to speak at the moment. Eunkwang nods and Peniel asks which hospital. Eunkwang tells him and then Peniel leaves the café without another word. Then Eunkwang turns to me and only now I notice how he looks. His hair is a mess and his face has dirt on it. But most disturbing is his white t-shirt which has a quite large blood stain on it. Eunkwang doesn’t look hurt, so it can’t be his own blood, so whose could it… no it can’t be… Eunkwang sees me looking at the blood and tears flow to his eyes.

“I couldn’t do anything. It had already... happened when I got there. And he was just lying there… so still…” The tears run down his cheeks and he starts sobbing quietly. In a situation like this, my head should probably be a mess with incoherent thoughts. I shouldn’t be able to make one right sentence in my mind, but my thoughts are strangely in order. Because there’s only one thought in my head at this moment; Minhyuk, I have to see him. At that moment Peniel comes in and says that he got us a cap. I’m the first person out there, and I get in without hesitation. After everyone has gotten in, the taxi takes off towards the hospital. Peniel and Eunkwang talk in the back, but I can’t even hear them because I’m so focused on praying to every deity I know that Minhyuk will be okay. Please just let him be okay. I know I have no right to wish for this, as I threw that right away, when I turned my back on him. But I don’t want me choosing my brother over him, be the last memory we have together. It may be selfish, but knowing that I might lose him for good, with no chance of ever turning back, makes me wish I had chosen differently. This can’t be the end for us, it just can’t be.

I hear my brother’s voice as a muffled noise in the distance, but right now I couldn’t care less about what he has to say. As far as I know, this is all his fault. If he hadn’t forced me to choose, Minhyuk wouldn’t have been at the café and then whatever happened to him, wouldn’t have happened. Only bad things came out of Ilhoon’s stupid idea, and I hope he realizes that.

When we reach the hospital, I open the door and get out before the cap has come to a halt. I run inside the big building and head straight for administration. A nurse looks up at me and asks how she can help.

“Is there a Lee Minhyuk here?” I ask and she types something into her computer. “He’s in surgery at the moment,” she says and when I ask where to go, she points down a hall to my right. I thank her and hurry down to the end of the corridor, where I’m met by sliding doors with a sign above that says “Operating Room”. The sign has a red light which means there is a surgery happening at the moment. Now that I’m here, I have no idea what to do next. All I could think about, was getting here, I never thought about what came after. After having stared at the sign for a few moments, the others catch up to me. They don’t say anything, Peniel just gently grabs my arm and drags me towards a few seats close to the sliding doors. I sit down and look at my shoes, because I don’t feel like facing any of them right now. I don’t feel like speaking either, but there is something I need to know, though I probably won’t like the answer.

“What happened to him?” I ask in a voice so weak that I wonder if any of them even heard it. But Eunkwang apparently did, because he is the one to answer. “I don’t know much either because whatever happened to him, happened before I got there.” I can’t see Eunkwang but I can sense that it’s hard for him to relive what he saw. “When I arrived, I just saw him lying on the ground in a weird position, so I instantly knew something was wrong. As I got closer, I could see a big red spot on his shirt and he was very pale.” I raise my gaze to look at Eunkwang and he meets my eyes. “He was shot twice in the chest. And it didn’t seem like it was an accident.” I try to swallow, but it gets stuck in my throat. I don’t know how to react or what to say, so I just look down again and let a few tears flow.

After some time has passed, the other members arrive and Eunkwang brings them up to speed with the situation. Then we all sit in silence, for what feels like an eternity. Finally the red light goes out and the sliding doors open. I get up and run to the doctor who steps out. I look at him desperately and try to read his facial expression to get an indication of whether it’s good or bad news. As I probably seem like the most affected one, the doctor looks at me and says: “The surgery was a success.”

We all let out a sigh of relief and I can basically feel my shoulders drop down from their tense position. “Luckily the bullets didn’t damage any organs and we managed to remove them without any major problems. He lost a lot of blood but he should be fine once he wakes up.”

I thank the doctor and once he has left, it’s like all the adrenalin my body has been running on, exists my body and leaves me with barely enough strength to stay upright. So I lean against the wall for support and take a few deep breaths while I keep repeating ‘he’ll live’ inside my head.

After Minhyuk has been moved to a room, we can see him, but they’ll only let one person in at a time, until he has gotten better. It doesn’t take long to agree that I’ll go in first. I hesitate for a long time in front of the door to his room. I’m afraid of what I’ll see on the other side, and I’m afraid how I’ll react to it. In the end, someone opens the door for me and gently but firmly pushed me inside. The door is closed behind me, and I stand all awkward without the courage to look at the person in the bed in front of me. But after a few deep breaths I finally raise my gaze and immediately tears flow to my eyes. I step forward with wobbly legs and sit down on the chair next to the bed. I inspect Minhyuk’s very pale face and can conclude that at least that doesn’t have any scratches. But it’s still painful to see him lying here like this. I know the doctor said he isn’t in a critical state anymore and that he’ll be okay, yet I can’t believe it completely until Minhyuk opens his eyes and tells me so himself.

I take his hand in mine and am shocked to find it cold as ice. With my other hand I caress his hair.

“I’ll never choose someone over you again,” I say and kiss the back of his hand, “you come first now and forever. I promise.”

 After everyone has seen Minhyuk, I get to see him again. A few of the guys go home and ask us to contact them when Minhyuk wakes up. I decided to stay by his side throughout the night and hopefully he’ll wake up before morning. Four hours pass by with no change in his condition, and then suddenly something happens. His fingers start to twitch and his breathing becomes unstable. I anxiously lean over him and watch as he slowly opens his eyes. He looks around the room with groggy looking eyes, until his gaze finds me. It takes a few seconds for him to really focus on my face and realize who I am.

“Heejin?” he asks in a husky voice and I nod. “Yes, Minhyuk, it’s me. How are you feeling?” He tries to sit up and makes a face when something obviously hurts. I push him down into the pillow again and he sighs.

“I feel like I’ve been beat up by a professional boxer,” he says and shifts in the bed while groaning in the process. “Do you remember what happened?” I ask and it’s almost as if his face darkens. Then he lifts up his hospital shirt and looks at the piece of bandage on his chest and then the piece on his stomach.

“I only remember the first shot, but I guess that wasn’t enough for him,” Minhyuk mumbles to himself and puts the shirt back in place. I have a lot of questions I want to ask him, but he looks tired, so I decide that all that can wait until he feels better. The most important part is that he’s awake. I tell him that I’m going out on the hallway to inform the others that he’s awake and then I pull the red string behind his bed to signal for a nurse to come to the room.

While a doctor checks up on Minhyuk, Eunkwang and Peniel stand with me in the corner. We watch as the doctor checks Minhyuk’s pulse and blood pressure. Then the wounds are being assessed and the doctor evaluates that Minhyuk is lucky to have gotten out of the situation without any greater damage. He is told to take it easy for the next few days, but that he doesn’t have to stay in the hospital for too long. Then the doctor leaves and Minhyuk looks at us. Eunkwang slowly approaches and it seems like he can’t get himself to look directly at Minhyuk. As he reaches the bed, he fidgets with the bottom of his shirt and a small smile spreads across Minhyuk’s face.

“Are you the one who found me?” he asks and Eunkwang looks up for a short moment before lowering his gaze again. He nods. Minhyuk reaches out and grabs the sleeve of Eunkwang’s shirt and in a way forces Eunkwang to look at him.

“Thank you,” Minhyuk says and Eunkwang smiles slightly. Then Minhyuk lets go of the sleeve and turns his gaze towards me.

“Can I speak with Heejin alone?” he asks and without hesitation, Peniel and Eunkwang leave the room. We’re both quiet for a while but unlike Eunkwang, I have no problem meeting Minhyuk’s eyes. I walk over to his bed and sit on the chair next to it. I’m not sure how he feels about me at the moment, since I made a choice that broke his heart the last time we saw each other. Still I can’t stop myself from reaching out and taking his hand. I’m nervous for his reaction, but feel immensely relieved when instead of pulling away, he entwines his fingers with mine. After a long period of silence I finally manage to get two words across my lips. “I’m sorry.” Minhyuk puts his free hand on top of our entwined hands and gives mine a gentle squeeze. “I know. I’m sorry too.” We smile at each other and even though, I thought what we had was lost forever, it seems like it can get a second chance. I know for sure that I’m not ready or willing to let go, and it doesn’t seem like he is either.

Minhyuk’s facial expression then gets more serious and I suspect that he has something important to tell me.

“I bet you’re curious about the reason why I got shot,” he says and I frown. “I just thought you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.” Minhyuk smiles slightly and nods. “I guess you could say that. But the difference is that I know the person who shot me. And shooting me was something he did very intentionally,” he says and looks me straight in the eye, “I think it’s about time I tell you my story.”