We never returned to the café and I ended up spending the night in Minhyuk’s apartment. When I wake up the next morning I don’t feel bad about it at all. And I don’t regret anything. I turn my head and look right into Minhyuk’s back. Judging from his heavy breathing he’s still fast asleep and I don’t want to disturb him. But still I can’t resist the urge to touch him. I reach out my hand and place it on his shoulder blade. I follow the lines of his left wing with my index finger. Then I move closer to him and put my arm around him. I lean my cheek against his shoulder blade and enjoy the warmth coming from his body. I feel completely at peace when I’m with Minhyuk. But he also does something to me that I’ve never experienced before. I feel like I catch fire when he touches me and I’m convinced my body can’t contain all these feelings. It’s as if I have lost my soul to him. And I don’t mind at all.

“I could get used to this,” I hear Minhyuk’s sleepy voice and I smile. He turns around to face me and I tuck closer into his embrace. He kisses the top of my head and I sigh comfortably.

“We’re gonna be in so much trouble,” he whispers and I shrug. “I don’t care.”

“Who are you and what have you done with my girlfriend?” Minhyuk asks teasingly and I chuckle. “For once in my life I decided to do something for myself and not care about anything else. I want to enjoy that and not feel guilty. So that’s what I’m doing,” I explain and Minhyuk holds me even closer. “I’m proud of you,” he says and I smile slightly. “But you know that I’m not just magically cured like this right?” I ask and move a little away from him so I can see his face, “I’ll still prioritize Ilhoon in a lot of situations and I can’t just stop caring about him. His opinions will still affect me and I’ll still feel very attached to him.”

“I know,” he says and the look in his eyes tells me that he really understands. “It’s going to be hard to stop doing something I’ve done for my entire life. I always did what my parents told me to and I’ve been more or less living for my brother since I was fifteen. That doesn’t change overnight and I’ll need time,” I say and lower my gaze, “I want to live more for myself. But I don’t even know who I am or who I want to be. Maybe all this time I’ve waited for my brother or my parents to tell me who to be.”

Minhyuk puts his finger under my chin and raises my head a bit. I meet his gaze and he looks at me with a serious expression.

”One thing is definitely for sure. No one can tell you who you are,” he says and gently kisses my forehead, “you just need to do this in your own pace. And along the way you can maybe find yourself and who you want to be.”

I can’t help but smile. I didn’t expect him to give me advice that actually makes me feel better. I lean closer to him and shower his face with kisses. He laughs and tries to stop me.

We stay in bed for a couple of more minutes before we get up. I don’t have any classes this morning so I can stay for a bit longer. But apparently Minhyuk has some things to take care of. He takes a quick shower and gets ready.

“It won’t take long, I promise,” he says as he walks past me. “It’s fine, Minhyuk. You just do what you gotta do,” I say and he nods. He opens the front door and then hesitates. He turns around and looks at me. Then he blows a kiss and winks. I make gag sounds and he laughs before he turns around and leaves. I don’t move for a couple of minutes and just look around. I haven’t been alone in his apartment before and I’m not sure what to do. His TV is broken because of his outburst yesterday so that can’t entertain me. Instead this place could need some cleaning. It’s still a mess so I decide to throw away the things Minhyuk broke and clean a little. When that’s done I look around a bit again. I might as well take a shower so I don’t have to go home before school. So I use Minhyuk’s bathroom and takes a shower. When I come out again I realize that I don’t have other clothes than what I wore yesterday and slept in. I can’t wear that. And my uniform is at home right now. But luckily I have an extra uniform at school I can wear so I still don’t have to go home yet. But for now I guess I’ll have to borrow clothes from Minhyuk. I walk to his room with my body wrapped in a towel. I could need a drawer at his place with my clothes, I think to myself as I look through his closet. Maybe we should do that. I have a drawer with my things at his place and he has a drawer with his things at my place. I’ll suggest that when he comes back.

When I’ve looked through his closet I decide on a hoodie for now and then I’ll ask him to find pants for me when he returns. And then I face another problem. Underwear. I can wear my bra again, but are a problem. I look through his underwear drawer and to my surprise I actually find a  shopping bag with newly bought girls’ underwear. Are these for me? I decide to just wear them and if they’re not for me, then I’ll take a scolding.

Now with wet hair and only wearing a hoodie and I once again have nothing to do. I look through his things in the living room and find a couple of books. I just pick one of them and return to his bedroom. I sit down on the broad windowsill and open the window slightly so a little fresh air gets in. Then I lean against the frame, bend my legs and start reading the book.

About fifteen or twenty minutes later Minhyuk returns.

“Heejin-ah!” he shouts and I answer so he can find me. He enters the room but stops when he sees me. He grimaces and I raise an eyebrow in confusion.

“You can’t do this to me,” he says and I get even more confused, “wearing my clothes and sitting by the window with wet hair. Being all y and tempting. Are you trying to drive me crazy?”

I smile slightly, jump down from the windowsill and walk slowly towards him. Then I stop right in front of him and put my arms around his neck. He swallows and I chuckle.

“I guess I have more power over you than I thought,” I say and give him a quick kiss. “I’m helpless in front of you,” he says and smiles. Then he kisses me and I smile against his lips.

“I should get ready for school,” I say against his lips but he doesn’t stop. “Just five more minutes,” he says and I giggle. “Five minutes,” I agree and let Minhyuk consume me.

As soon as I leave Minhyuk’s apartment the guilt hits me. Like it’s only now I actually realize what I did. Ilhoon must be furious right now because I didn’t contact him at all. The missed calls on my phone only makes it a lot worse and just thinking about how I’ve troubled my brother makes me feel sick. I have to apologize and come up with a good excuse. But I’ve already lied so much to him and the thought of doing it again eats me up from the inside. I owe him so much and he has done so much for me, still I treat him like this. I’m the worst sister in the world.

To try and ease my guilt I decide to distract myself. So I send a text to Peniel when I arrive at school and ask him to meet me at my school during lunch break. I don’t expect him to actually turn up but when I arrive at the canteen he’s already there waiting for me. I sit down next to him and he looks at me.

“Why did you ask me to come?” he asks and I hesitate a little before talking. “Minhyuk accidently told me that one of your friends got killed because of drugs,” I say and Peniel lowers his gaze, “I would like to know what it’s all about. But if you feel uncomfortable telling me you don’t have to.” 

He’s silent for a long while and it probably means he doesn’t want to tell me. But then he sighs and starts speaking while looking at the floor.

“I told you that I got the wrong friends and through them got into drugs. One of them became a really close friend of mine and at one point we talked about putting the drugs behind us. He told me he would take it one last time and then stop. I went with him to buy it but something went wrong with the dealer and he freaked out. He shot my friend right before my eyes and there was nothing I could do. My friend was already dead and the dealer fled. I feel like it’s my fault. I should have stopped my friend. I should have protected him or at least tried to save his life. But I didn’t do anything. I just stood there and watched as my friend got killed. It was because of that incident I wanted to stop taking drugs for good. Shortly after that Ilhoon appeared and offered me a way out. That’s why I joined the band and he has helped me a lot,” Peniel tells and then raises his head to meet my gaze, “just like you have, Heejin. I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me. And that’s why I can tell you this story.”

I don’t say anything but just his hair. “You’ve suffered a lot Peniel,” I say and he sniffles, “thank you for telling me this. I know it wasn’t easy.”

He nods and takes a deep breath. “But deep down you know it’s not your fault right? You couldn’t possibly know that would happen. And you said it yourself. Your friend was dead on the spot and you couldn’t have saved him. No one could,” I say and Peniel avoids my gaze, “and I’m guessing that you hate yourself when you give in to drugs because in your eyes they took your friend’s life.”

Peniel sniffles again and wipes his cheek. “I should probably go. It’s lunch break after all and you should eat,” he says and tries to smile. Apparently there’re still things he’s coping with and not ready to talk about in detail. I respect that and don’t ask any further. Instead I lean forward and kiss his forehead. “I’ll see you after school,” I say and he nods. Then he gets up and leaves. I lean back in my chair and sigh. Peniel is very strong. If I saw my friend get killed right in front of me I would never recover from that. And of course he isn’t unaffected, but he was able to continue with his life. Thanks to my brother. I have to thank Ilhoon when I get to the café. There’s no doubt in my mind that he saved Peniel’s life by asking him to join BTOB. He should know that.

A couple of hours later I arrive at the café. The guys are already working but there’re not many costumers. I look around the room and I see Minhyuk by the stairs to the basement. He winks at me and then walks downstairs. I know exactly what that means. He wants me to follow him. I sigh while smiling and follow him down the stairs. Minhyuk opens the door to the changing room and we’re about to enter. But it turns out the room isn’t empty like we expected it to be. Eunkwang is standing in front of his locker without a shirt on. I look at his stomach and gape. It’s covered in scars. Eunkwang quickly pulls a shirt on and closes it. He avoids my gaze and hurries past Minhyuk and me. I look after him as he runs up the stairs and disappears. Then I turn my attention to Minhyuk but he too avoids my gaze.

“You’re not going to tell me even if I ask right?” I ask and he shakes his head, “I thought so.”

I look at the stairs again and take a deep breath. It looks like Changsub and Peniel aren’t the only ones with a painful past. Eunkwang even has psychical scars to prove it. I wonder what happened to him since he’s got that many. Because it wasn’t just one or two. And without being completely sure, I think his stomach isn’t the only part of his body with scars. But the fact that I saw some of his scars apparently made him… not flustered. Maybe ashamed? As if I saw his biggest secret that he wants to hide no matter what. But how did he get those scars in the first place? Did he do it to himself or did someone do it to him? No matter what he has obviously suffered a lot of pain. Not just on his body but in his mind too. Since he fled when I saw the scars he doesn’t want me to know. But that doesn’t stop me. I want to help him and I don’t want him to hide from me. I have to find out what happened to him. 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The next secret to be revealed is Eunkwang's. If you think you know why he has the scars please let me know. And if there's something in the story you don't like or think I should change, please let me know as well.

Hope you enjoyed this chapter!