-

That day, she wore a blue summer dress. She smiled brightly when she saw me. It pained me to think that she could actually smile so brightly while lying to me all this time.

I waved but my lips remained pressed together. For some reason, I couldn’t even fake a smile at her.

I walked to the table and she threw a hug on me. I half-expected reporters to jump out and surround me with ghastly flashes of the camera and endless shouts of questions… but nothing of that sort happened. The scent of her hair invaded my nose though, and so did sections of her hair.

We sat down.

Oppa! Did you miss me?

No, I did not, I think in my head but I didn’t say a word. I leaned backwards against the chair, stretching out my left foot.

She looked at me cutely; a pout was forming on her face from my lack of response.

Oppa, what’s wrong? Are you okay?

…

I looked at her with a fierce gaze and nonchalantly shoved my hands into my pockets. With a hard stare, I said,

I know.

A small flash of panic filled her eyes as she shifted her gaze slightly before looking back at me. She managed a crooked smile and tried to look calm.  

Huh? …Oppa…what are you talk-

I know everything.

I saw the color drain from her face as the words left my mouth.

Almost immediately, her left hand reached over to play with strands of her hair. It was a habit she always did when she was nervous. It was a habit that once brought a smile to my face, and a habit that would now, enable me to uncover the truth.

Her face screamed of panic and alarm, but still she tried to hide.

I don’t kn-

Look at me.

My voice sounded angry with a harsh edge to it.

I stared straight at her.

She looked away. She looked at some distant object high up and far away, refusing to look my way.

So…it has come to this, huh? She says, almost sneering. 

The tone of her voice had drastically changed. Even the look on her face had changed. I couldn’t explain it. Maybe it was the shift in her gaze that had transformed the way she looked. No, even the way she presented herself was different. Her body posture, the shape of her lips… her eyes – nothing was the same.

Suddenly, the person in front of me felt like a complete and utter stranger.

I was taken aback.

Sitting back up, I leaned my elbows on the edges of the table. Dumbfounded, I asked, despite myself.

What the hell are-

Not bad, huh? She interrupted me rudely, in that irritating tone of voice. She, or rather I should say, the she that I used to know, would never interrupt me like that.  It was as if I knew two entirely different people that actually looked the same.

Actually, your timing is pretty good, you know. I was really getting sick of this game. Having to act all cutesy and pretty all the time and whatnot; getting my nerves worked up thinking that you were going to find out the truth. It gets on my nerves A LOT, actually. But then again…

She rambled on. That much remained the same. But this time I wasn’t listening. The only thought that went off in my head was how exactly did I love someone… like this? Did I really fall in love with someone’s persona of a person?

Did I fall in love with someone… that didn’t actually…exist?

Her rattling came to an end abruptly.

Are you even listening?

No “Oppa”, no smile, nothing.

You’re so… different. I say as composed as I could, trying to find the proper words to string together.

Well, I AM an actress, you know. There was a proud and self-satisfied hint to her voice. She was obviously pleased with herself, having been able to lie to me for so long.

I clenched my fist under the table silently. I wanted to slap that sickening smirk off of her face.

So what was it for? I hear myself say.

For fame? Popularity? Was that what all this was about? Was that all you cared about?! I was slowly losing my composure looking at her. The way she acted – all so laidback and causal, like none of this meant anything to her… like I meant nothing to her.

Well…Yeah. She said it in a matter-of-factly tone, as if it was the most natural thing that occurred to her.

Actually, to be honest with you, I kinda feel bad for you. It just happens that you were climbing up music charts and gaining popularity, like becoming the ‘big thing’ back then. You were basically what we were looking for.

We?

You’re not from the acting industry, so you probably didn’t know this. Sometimes, in the industry, to get better ratings, scandals are…how do you put it? Ah, like deliberately created. You know, to get higher viewership. You know the deal: the saucier, the juicier, the more views - the better.

Furthermore, I have an upcoming drama series. I NEEDED the boost in popularity, after my last appearance being a flop.

Unbelievable. Simply un-ing-believable. My voice was low, angry. 

Well, now you know. She paused for a bit before she continued. But honestly, I do feel sorry for you. Her voice dropped. Was it sincerity or pity? I couldn’t tell. Before I met you, I just thought you were the typical arrogant kind of douchebag. Like some cocky, good-looking, new in the industry singer-songwriter. But then, that day at the recording, you know, the first time we met, I saw the real person behind all that glamour and fame.

But you still decided to continue with this righteous scam of yours, huh? I kept my words sharp and sarcastic, and I folded my arms.

I didn’t! Her voice sounded indignant and she looked at me straight on. Then, she hesitated. I really didn’t. I mean, I TRIED. I told them, after that day I met you, that I didn’t want to. At least, NOT with you… but it couldn’t be helped.

…You were simply the perfect match for the job… I’m sorry.

-

A long silence stood there, between us. Even though we were merely two meters apart, she felt so far away.  

-

I felt immensely hollow after listening to her words.

All of this, everything, was merely a business transaction to her.

-

I had one last question to ask.

-

I wanted to hear it from her. Or more like I had to hear it from her.

-

Did you… even love me?

She looked up at me.

-

No.

-

A small, bitter laugh left my mouth.

A stinging pain bled in my heart.

-

What was I expecting?

Really, Kwon Jiyong, WHAT ELSE WERE YOU EXPECTING?

-

I looked at her, and she is so painfully expressionless.

Not a single wrinkle of regret, not a single twitch of sadness.

-

Nothing.

Just like what I meant to her.

-

Everything felt muted.

There were noises, but they were soundless.

-

She looked down and whispered a barely audible “Sorry” before grabbing her bag. She started to stand up. I didn’t look at her. In my vision, all I saw were the flowers on her blue summer dress.

She stopped for a bit and turned back around. The flowers on her dress moved along and looked like they were dancing.

AH. Um, that. I forgot to tell you. There was an uneasy quiver evident in the tone of her voice before she spoke. In a couple of days, the press will be releasing some um, pictures of us. You know, on our dates.

I used to tell her to wear flowers, you know. I told her once; Flowers always make people feel better and happier.

Half-heartedly, I said, I know. And what about the reporters?

Ah, you knew that too, huh? She sounded surprised. Well, I diverted them away to some other location. So, nothing to worry about.

Think of it as… a parting gift, I guess.

When you are better and happier, I will feel happy too. I had said then.

I felt the flowers slowly wilting in my heart.

-

She stood there.

And so did I.

We stood there, facing each other, across the table.

Well then, goodbye, Jiyong-ssi.

She turned around and walked away. I stood there watching her back view, as she became smaller and smaller, until finally, she was gone.

-

At that place, on that day, she walked out of my life.

And I stood there, watching as she left.

-

Then, I left.

-

My heart felt numbly heavy but pain.

-

I walked for quite a bit but then my legs started running.

The streets were empty and silent.

-

I ran and ran.

I screamed and thrashed my arms around.

-

AHHHHHHHHHH!

This horrible, monstrous and heartbreaking sound came out of my mouth.

-

ARGHHHH!

A tormented, strangled scream.

-

Dizzy images of streets and lights were all I could see.

I wanted to scream until everything went away

I wanted to scream until I no longer felt this sadness and heartache.

-

And so, for a really long time that day, I ran and screamed, thrashing against the wind.

-

The skies above had darkened.

I didn’t know how long I had been running but I found myself standing there, beside a lonely sidewalk.

Pellets of raindrops started to scatter on the road. A single raindrop kissed the corner of my cheek, like a gentle, miserable slap. It was cold.

-

Raindrops started pouring on me, one by one, increasing in numbers.

I stood there, alone, with a sad heart.

-

Slowly, I fell to the ground and sat there on the sidewalk.

The rainy wind blew against my cheeks. I was drenched in the rain.

-

I closed my eyes.

-

I felt tears welling up within me fiercely, just like the loud raindrops hitting against the road surface. Before I knew it, my tears had started to fall to the ground, just like the raindrops.

On that sidewalk, the loud rain concealed my sobs and wails.

And so, unabashedly, I cried. 

-

How much time passed as I sat there, I don’t know.

-

I just sat there and cried until no more tears would fall out of my eyes.

I cried until I was embraced by the darkness of the night.

-

The rain kept falling. They fell loudly on the road, on the sidewalk, and on me.

-

But then, they stopped falling.

I could still hear the raindrops in the distance, yet none of them hit me.

There was now another pair of shoes in front of me.

I looked up.

-

And you stood there, umbrella in your hand, covering us both from the rain.

-

We have been looking all over for you! Where the hell did you go?

-

I looked at you and there was so much I wanted to say.

I wanted to tell you everything.

I wanted to tell you that had she left me and that you were right and that I was sorry but in that instant, it seemed like none of these could come out of my mouth.

Do you know how worried everyone was?!

Unsteadily, I tried to stand up.

Do you know how worried I was?!!

You continued to holler angry words at me. But I remembered the warmth your hands that rushed to support me as I tried to stand. They grabbed onto me firmly.

YAH. Be careful.

Slightly shaking and shivering, I stood there, facing you.

-

Slowly, I leaned my head on your shoulder.

-

Chaerin-ah, I heard myself saying.

There was a faint quiver in my voice.

My heart… it hurts so much.

-

On that dark rainy night, I leaned my head on your shoulder and we stood like that for a very long time, under a yellow umbrella.

-

I couldn’t seem to talk for a really long time.

-

Your hand patted my back soothingly, as if to assure me that everything would be fine. And you whispered the words softly, over and over again: 

It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay.

-

I think you patted some of my sadness away, under that yellow umbrella.

-

:)