August 2013

I sat in the car, with you. I glanced at the side view of your face and tried to remember it. Somehow, I want to remember it. I want to remember the way your nose curved down, and the soft look in your eyes as you looked at the scenery in the distance. I wanted to remember all of you, before I had to leave.

What happened was, I had an upcoming tour around Asia that would span across fifteen odd days.

And… you couldn’t come along.

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Silently, we sat in the car.

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The radio in the car was playing that song.

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The first time we heard it, we were browsing for clothes at this boutique. And then, this tacky song came on. Almost immediately, we looked at each other.

OMO, this song. You had said then, your left hand flying over to cover your mouth. Your eyes had widened in amusement and I was struggling hard not to laugh myself.

In the end, we just acted like complete idiots lip-synching to the song in exaggerated hand motions, all while trying not to burst out in laughter. I was pretty sure the store owner thought we were lunatics… but it was all worth it. (at least to me)

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I look at you now, in the car, and you glanced back at me in an eye smile.

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It’s our song, huh?

Your eyes seemed to say.

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­Yeah, it’s our song.

I smiled.

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This wasn’t my first time flying away from Korea. And honestly, I liked traveling. I liked to visit new places, meeting new people and fans and performing at different places. But then, somehow, this trip feels particularly heavy on my heart. It feels like I’m leaving something really important behind.

(You)

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The car pulls over at a slightly secluded sidewalk.

Our song had long died in the car.

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You turned over to look at me, and you smiled this sad smile.

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Just… take care, alright. And… do your best.

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You, too. Take care of yourself, Chaerin-ah.

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There’s something really gloomy about the way we said those words, in that car on cloudy morning. But then again, I guess goodbyes are always gloomy, aren’t they?

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We got out of the car, and with a final wave, I turned around and left. Like that, I slowly walked away from you. Each footstep dragged on longer than the previous. There’s this odd and hollow feeling that gripped onto me.

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Don’t look back, I told myself. Whatever you do, don’t look back. It’s only going to make it more difficult… for the both of us. Just keep walking.

Don’t look back.

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But then, how the hell could I not look back? How was I to not look back when it felt like I left a part of me behind?

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After walking for a bit, I turned back.

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And there you stood, in the midst of people walking on by.

You stood there alone.

Why did you look so lonely?

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Our eyes met.

And yours were glistening under the reflection of the light.

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You smiled at me, and waved.

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But it looked so, so painful.

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And suddenly, it was like my legs had a mind of their own. I left my suitcase standing there, and I walked back to you.

Or more like I ran back to you.

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And I wrapped my arms around you.

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Your smaller hands clung on to my waist, and I felt your warmth through my shirt.

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I knew then, that I would miss this warmth. And I would miss this touch of familiarity.

…and I would miss you.

I would miss you a lot, a lot.

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The time now is 22:43.

The concert has ended with a blast of lights, confetti, screams and laughter.

Whenever you have a concert, it feels like everyone’s energies mixes and there’s a good vibe that you take away from the stage. You remember the arena of faces and colored lights. You remember people screaming your name; you remember people cheering for you. There’s a feeling of immense satisfaction and tremendous exhaustion. It was fun, it was great, and it was tiring.

But it’s what I do and it’s what I love.

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The time now is 22:43… and I sit in my bed, in my hotel room. I chill and relax and think.

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I look across the skyline of the foreign city and the lights are gorgeous. The night is curiously magical.

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I wish you were here to see it with me.

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I look up at the dark sky. There are stars, but they are far and few. I wonder if you could see them back in Korea. I wonder if you’re looking at the same sky as I am. I picture you looking up at the sky, with a dreamy happy look.

The time now is 22:49, and I am missing you.

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I wonder if you’re doing okay.

Are you still being that hopeless workaholic that you are?

Pfft. Who was I kidding? Of course you are. You’re Lee Chaerin, South Korea’s #1 workaholic.

The other day, I remembered joking with you, saying that I’d actually have to pay for you to take a day off. You had narrowed your eyes and pursed your lips then, protesting. Ah, that was really funny. I miss our silly conversations together. Those conversations seemed to go on endlessly, and made everything feel okay.

…I miss all those times spent together with you.

I can still remember them all at the back of my head.

The heartfelt conversations we had, the stupid inside jokes we shared, and the amusing debates we had over ridiculous and sometimes pointless things.

I miss how well I knew you. How I could predict what you were going to say and say it before you did, and you’d just puff up your cheeks in anger. I still laugh every time I think about it, just like now.

But as I laugh alone in my empty hotel room, my laughter sounds really hollow.

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I want to call you so badly and hear your voice through the speakers.

I want to talk to you and ask about your day.

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I stare at my phone.

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Then, sadly, I flung my phone towards the bed.

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I looked out of the window.

I knew at the back of my head, that it was 04:13 in Korea, and I want you to rest well.

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I miss you, Lee Chaerin.

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Thank you for reading this. I had some trouble with this chapter but I hope it's fine :) Drop me a comment, maybe? hehe. Stay safe and happy, wherever you may be. ^^