December 2012

And then, I hit a particularly tough period in my career.

I don’t think I can ever forget those days and nights. I feel like the emotions I had from those days still remain deeply engraved into the depths of my soul. I could just snap my fingers and feel the sheer anguish and frustration I had then.

Those were the days that would pass by like a blur of mess and chaos. I wrote and composed and edited and screamed but nothing felt right. Sheet after sheet, piece after piece, they were all failures. They just weren’t good enough. Nothing was good enough.

Every day would be the same . I would spend hours and hours in the studio, with my headphones on and off, and back on again. It was pure mental torture, really.

But I didn’t believe that this was all that I had. Or more like I couldn’t believe that this was I could come up with. It can’t be. It can’t. Kwon Jiyong, you have to do better than this. Is this all you got? Is this all?! I’ve worked so much for my debut, for my legacy in the industry, I can’t stop here. I CAN’T.

There’s simply too much I can’t bear to lose.

And for a moment there, clutching my head with both my hands, I remembered thinking: “I’m going to go insane.”

-

There were sounds of footsteps and things that woke me. I could barely open my eyes. Squinting, I noticed someone else in the room. My head was in a state searing pain, but I still looked up.

…Who?

Oppa, it’s me.

Huh? Chaerin-ah…? I looked around as my blurry vision slowly regained its focus. I was here, in my studio. This disgusting place of a hell. Where else would I ing be?

Ugh, it smells in here. She says.

Then GET out.

My words came out harsher than I had intended.

But honestly, I couldn’t be bothered with anything right now. I shoved my head back into the nest of my arms. The unpleasant smell from the beer cans and leftover food polluted my nostrils, but I didn’t care. I just sat there, with my eyes still open, staring into sheer darkness, trying to drift back to sleep.

Soft noises came from around me. Chaerin must be cleaning up the place.

I feel a tiny jab of guilt. She meant well, afterall.

You don’t have to do this, I say, still staring into darkness.

A quiet pause.

...Oppa. YOU don’t have to do this, too.

I jolt from the table and looked up. What the HECK did she just say?!

I don’t have to do this?!!

Look. You don’t understand. I DON’T WANT ANY OF THIS TO HAPPEN! I DON’T! It just happened. And now, I can’t do ! I can’t do anything! The music that I love so much is slipping away. JUST LIKE THAT. It’s being robbed away from me, do you get that? Suddenly, I was shouting. I was shouting the life out of me.

NO! YOU DON’T! None of you understand! You don’t know what it’s like. My voice involuntarily cracked – a painful and disappointing sound. It was as if all the sadness, madness and anger were overflowing from within me, and pouring out of my mouth. 

It’s frustrating, man. So ing frustrating. EVERYTHING SINGLE THING I’VE WORKED SO HARD FOR, LEADING UP TO THIS POINT WAS FOR NOTHING! NOW I’M JUST ING STUCK HERE. Back at ing square one.

After my ‘little speech’ I collapsed back into the chair, like a lifeless rag doll. I hugged my knees close to my chest and stared blankly into space.

Even until now, I still don’t know what possessed me to say all of that. I really don’t. Maybe it was all the pent up stress and frustrations. Maybe it was the pressure of deadlines. Maybe it was because of my pride of not wanting to be a letdown. Maybe… it was something about you that made me want to say it.

I prefer to blame it on the beer though. (‘cause I’m arrogant like that, and I don’t like to show people my weaknesses.)

-

I can’t remember your exact reaction to what I said though. My vision became clouded with tears that were on the brink of spilling. I couldn’t see and I wasn’t looking.

But it was your voice that came to me.

Oppa, you began, I won’t say that I can fully understand you because I don’t. Your voice softly echoes in the studio.

But… the Kwon Jiyong that I know is more than this.

The Kwon Jiyong I know doesn’t give up; he is someone with THAT much passion and hope. He keeps trying – no matter what - and never yields.

Those sincere soft words struck me. They felt so real. And for a moment there, everything you said felt almost believable. They made me think, long after you had left. Was I really the person you had described? Was that me?

You tell me, The music isn’t gone, Oppa. It’s somewhere within you. And then you left, closing the door quietly.

-

I remembered thinking a lot that night. I thought about me. I thought about what you said.

Looking back now, I think you probably saved my life then.

Sometimes I can’t thank you enough. I can’t thank you enough for believing in me when I didn’t; for believing in me when I couldn’t. Thank you, for standing beside me, and not giving up on me. I sit in the studio now, with those scenes replaying in my head. Even up till now, those words continue to inspire me.

I laugh.

You told me before that I inspire you. But really, you are my muse. (You just don’t know it.)

Looking back now, I think I didn’t know it either.

-

A/N: Hey, thanks for reading! Hope you are enjoying the story so far ^-^ It's the longest update so far haha. It's still not quite as long as I wanted it to be... but still.