June 2013

I stopped drinking coffee.

Because that’s what you do when you break up with someone.

-

I went back to being who I was before.

But I stopped talking people that much.

-

For me, that June was a particularly silent and somber month. There was me, and there was Chaerin, and there was the studio. Sometimes there would be Young-bae.

There would also be calls from my worried Umma. She reminded me that I am loved every now and then, with a phone call of concern.

She worries too much.

I’m fine I assured her. Well, almost. But she didn’t have to know that.

-

The pictures blew up everywhere, just as she had told me it would.

The media, the internet, television. Everywhere. Sometimes, I hate technology.

I remembered having to wear an extra scarf and throwing on a pair of shades whenever I left the building or my apartment. (which isn’t that much anyway.)

-

I think her drama went well, but I can’t remember for sure.

-

When some people fall out of love, they change drastically. Some would drink a lot. They’d drink themselves silly and laugh and stumble home at four in the morning. Some would cry a lot. They would cry under covers in bed, in the shower, on the phone talking to a friend. Some others would hookup and have flings and juggle with multiple partners - all while trying to forget a lost love.

I, on the other hand, kept things low key.

Sure, I had a couple of drinks here and there, but nothing too crazy.

It’s just that there was always this sinking, miserable feeling. I guess that’s what it’s like, to have your heart broken. I would laugh with a couple of colleagues, about stupid things and funny stories; I would go to work, as per usual; attending meetings and business… but at the end of it all, I felt like this empty person, horribly detached from life.

-

There were many emotions I felt that June.

I was angry. I was angry at her, at myself. Angry that she didn’t love me back. Maybe she didn’t love me at all. I found that really painful to think about. I was angry that I fell in love with her. Why did I fall in love with her? WHY?

I was angry that she could simply get away with it, just like that… leaving me behind to bear the wrath of this pain and anguish. It wasn’t fair.

(Well, I guess love never was fair.)

I fell, hard – both in love and out of love. And she just walked over me.

There was also an inexplicable sadness that consumed me. I felt sad from being hurt. I felt sad from the memories we shared. All those stupid memories and overflowing thoughts of her would not leave me.

Sadness sunk deep into the pit of my heart.

I felt so empty… and lost.

Numb.

-

That June passed really slowly.

-

July 2013

Sometimes I would still catch myself thinking about her. But I would shake her out of my thoughts and continue what I was doing. Other times, a lonely emptiness would fill me.

I remembered thinking then, what if there is a hole inside of me that never goes away?

What if this vast emptiness inside me could only be filled by her?

-

The anger, the sadness and the hurt had died down into a series of constant questions. There were so many questions that would appear in my head. Many ‘what ifs’ and many ‘whys’ and many questions I had no answers to.

-

I sighed aloud.

Yes?

I looked up only to see you staring back at me from where you sat. My sigh must have caught your attention.

It’s nothing, Chaerin-ah.

You looked at me with a small, understanding smile, almost like you knew what I was thinking about. Maybe… you really did. I managed a half smile back at you and got back to work.

Moments later, you came up to my desk and placed something huge on my table, covering up all the paperwork and compositions. All I could see was a caramel light brown and some spots of yellow. Looking back up, I saw that it was that huge plush toy you always had around the office. What was it called? Something like… rikamon? Or was it Rikkumon?

I looked from you to the plush toy and back at you again.

You just looked at me and grinned.

He’s my baby, but I can lend him to you for a bit.

I think I just stared back at you with this blank, semi-amused look.

You… are lending him to me…?

You’re welcome~. You said then, with this look of a noble warrior making a huge sacrifice.

Yah, what do think I am, some kid? I don’t need your stuffed toy! I said, jokingly.

HEY! Don’t look down on him okay! He makes you feel better.

And so, after one final hug, you left your ‘baby’ here with me, at my desk. I looked at the stuffed toy and its unsmiling poker face as it stared back at me. 

Hah, this is supposed to make me feel better? It was such a disbelieving thought.

Pulling the huge stuffed toy up close, I removed it from the table top. It’s almost ridiculous to think that you carry him with you almost everywhere you go. The stuffed toy was still warm from your touch. And… it smells just like you.

For some reason, instead of putting it away just as I had planned to, I hugged it closer to myself. The embrace felt solid and warm.

It felt… comforting.

I took in a deep breath.

Somehow, when you hug something that big and something that has a scent of familiarity… the emptiness seem to disappear, bit by bit.

And so did the lingering thoughts of her.

-

Slowly but surely, the studio became really busy… and a little less empty. Everyone was rushing and preparing – costumes, dance routines, rehearsals, recording – for Young-Bae’s comeback. I guess work sort of became an outlet for all the emotions left in me. And so, I dived into work, pouring all my and energies into working.

And whenever the going gets tough, or whenever the thought of her would cross my mind, there were now two stuffed toys in the studio that would give me some kind of comfort and support. They lie around like gentle ninjas, or your ‘babies’ as you liked to call them.

-

And… there was also you, Lee Chaerin.

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A/N: Hello dear readers :) Thank you for reading, and sorry was a slightly later update! Work has been a little more tiring and so there's a delay in the update. Hope you guys are doing well, wherever you may be, and that you're still liking this series. Leave me a comment, if you could! I'd appreciate them ^^ Cheers!