When you go on tour, there will always be a massive line up of concerts, meetings and interviews packed tightly on schedule. There were many things to do and many places to go. But even then, time seemed to crawl on by really slowly.

Maybe, it’s true what they say.

…that you can only feel something by its absence. You can only feel someone by the emptiness they leave behind.

It is only when you are gone that I feel my heart aching to see you again.

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On this one particular day, I was scheduled for an interview.

But it really didn’t matter that much to me, especially when it wasn’t you helping with my makeup and stuff. I just sat there quietly as the makeup artist in-charge professionally dabbed my face in powder… and I recalled all the inside jokes we shared backstage, while preparing for performances.

These days, you’re always on my mind. I remember the littlest things about you; I even remember your stupid annoying habits that I used to hate. Do you remember how you liked to text me even though we were in the same damned room? It always drove me nuts but you’d just nonchalantly shrug it off like it was not a big deal.

I smile a little now that I think about it.

Ah, what I would give to get a stupid text from you right now…

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Its times like these that make me wonder: Do we, as humans, really take everyday things in our life for granted? Is it only when we lose something do we know how to cherish it?

It is in these days without you that I truly realize that you mean so much to me… and that I really need you in my life.

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The interviewer was a nice lady with short brown hair. The way she smiles reminds me of you, and a little ache settles at the bottom of my heart.

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So, Jiyong-ssi, as an artiste that has to travel so much, based on your first hand experiences, what would you say are some of the pros and cons of traveling?

I mean, it’s always a fresh feeling visiting a new and foreign place. There’s some kind of freedom attached that may not be so easily available back in Korea. Sometimes… traveling inspires me musically and spiritually. Also, I get a chance to meet and perform for the people who love my music, so that’s always a plus.

I paused.

But then… there’s often something forlorn attached to travelling. It would mean being away from my family… and my friends, and… people I care about.

Somehow, the image of you simultaneously popped up in my mind.

And… sometimes that can be really difficult.

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She nodded her head understandingly, Ah yes, it’s always difficult being away from the people that you care about…

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In my head, I see a picture of you smiling.

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…and the people that you love…

­-

I see the memories that we shared together.

I see all those times we had spent together over the past year.

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And I blinked.

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Her last words echoed in my mind, like some kind of mystery unravelling itself.

“…people that you love…”

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Did I… love you…?

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This new thought settles in my head and suddenly, it feels like I’m struck off center.

Suddenly, I was struck by this new weird thought and feeling.  

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Did I love you…?

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The rest of the interview continued on, spanning across several topics, but this one particular thought never left my head.

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It was late at night, and the streets and people are foreign. It was cold and I wore my scarf up to my nose. I felt like sneezing but I didn’t.

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My phone was vibrating.

I dug the device out of my coat pocket.

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[Chaerin] calling…

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My heartbeat quickened for a bit, and I felt like answering your call.

But just like the five other times today, I held onto my phone until the device stopped vibrating.

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You have 6 missed calls from [Chaerin].

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I felt deep in my soul, that I was being a terrible person.

I had purposefully missed our promise to call each other. I had purposefully avoided contact with you. I had purposefully cut you off… even though I know that you’d be worried sick.

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But then, I don’t know how exactly to face you. Or talk to you.

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I shoved the phone back into my coat pocket and looked up at the sky.

I continued walking on the streets.

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What is love, really?

Did I really love you for all this time? Is it even possible to love someone and not realize it?

Was this love that we shared?

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I don’t know.

I really don’t know.

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I thought what we had was friendship.

A simple but strong bond between two like-minded people; two people that shared similar passions and dreams, beliefs and hopes.  I thought you were like a soul mate, someone who understood me, someone whom I felt comfortable with.

You were… someone who had seen all of me – the ugly, the sad, the angry, the happy – but stuck with me through it all, nonetheless. You were someone who I trust and confide in so much… and someone that I currently miss, so, so much.

And I think about you so much.

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Do I… love you?

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I love spending time with you. No matter what we’d do, I’d always enjoy the time spent with you. The smiles, the laughs, the stupid lame jokes. The way you listen when I talk. The way you believe in me when I didn’t have the courage to believe in myself.

I love your laugh and how it sounds so hearty.

I love the warmth in your hands, and the warmth in your heart.

I love the meaningful and comfortable silence with you, when it’s just the two of us.

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I walked down the streets under the beautiful lights, passing by people after people.

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I think…

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I love… you.

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I never realized it… but I love you because it’s you.

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<3