September 2013

I don’t think people realize how important hearing truly is… until they lose their sense of hearing. At least for me, that was the case. Hearing things, or the ability to listen, had always been second nature for people. I mean, you just hear things; not intentionally, not purposefully… but it happens, automatically. Hearing isn’t like seeing things, where you’d actually have to open your eyes, or like you’d have the option of closing them as and when you like.

Hearing is natural.

Hearing just…happens. Your ability to hear is just there.

Pleasant sounds, irritating noises – you hear them all the same. But at the same time, you don’t think much of it.

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But now… it’s all I ever think about.

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Now, I haven’t actually lost my sense of hearing.

It’s just that hearing isn’t… how it used to be.

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I consider what I have as… selective hearing.

How should I put it?

In normal functions and settings, things sound muffled and sometimes a little blurry, but generally, they are still audible. I can still make out words and read lips fairly easily.

Like, if it was just me and you in the studio, I could still hear your voice. The tone of your voice wouldn’t be exactly on point, but thing was, I could hear you.

At least, I could hear you.

However, the dynamics of things would change in crowded places with noisy backgrounds. In those kinds of settings, everything becomes a messy and chaotic blur. Everything sounds like hearing underwater. There’s this thick and heavy chunk of blocked sounds that covers up my hearing and it’s difficult to hear even the simplest of words.

It’s difficult to hear even when the person you are speaking with is merely a meter away.

…it’s difficult to not be able to hear.

And then of course, there’d be the occasional to frequent attacks of ringing and buzzing noises. Sometimes those buzzing noises last for short bouts of several seconds. But other times, they last up to minutes long.

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It’s supposed to be a temporary condition.

At least that was what I was told by the doctor.

It was something triggered by dutiful negligence – listening to obnoxiously loud music, parties and deafening concerts. But these symptoms were proved to be those of temporary nature.

It was simple, really. All I’d have to do was to pay attention and take extra care and attend to medical checkups and follow ups… and in due time, my hearing would then be restored.

It was simple, right?

Wrong.

The fact of the matter was: I had hearing problems.

Temporary or otherwise, it remains that I had problems hearing.

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And when you are from the music industry, having hearing problems would instantly be a threat.

…especially when your name is G-dragon.

Music has been and will always be my life. And now, my hearing (or rather, the lack of it) could potentially destroy this career that took me years of hard work and effort to build. All the songs, the music, the creations and the entirety of my legacy felt like they could be gone in a single flicker of a second.

It left me with the feeling of being vulnerable. And I hated it. I hated that feeling of being so helpless and weak. And there was nothing I could do about it.

The road that awaits me felt like this huge tower of uncertainty, threatening to fall and collapse at any second… simply because I couldn’t hear.

But it doesn’t stop there.

…because on top of that, I was Kwon Jiyong.

I was a living, breathing person.

I had every day functions just like everyone else. I went to work, I ate and I talked with people. And all of these felt hindered by this new-found disability.

An immense coat of inferiority hung over me, suffocating me… trapping me.

Suddenly, it felt like I was smaller than everyone else. People could talk and laugh and listen… but I could not. I just sat there, feeling invisible. I was like that silent background in settings. I was there… but it was like I wasn’t.

It had felt like I had lost a huge part of me.

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…I also felt like I was incapable of love.

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I was someone in love. But I was someone without the capacity to love.

I was unworthy of love.

How could I possibly dare to love you when I was so much more inferior?

How could I possibly dare to love you when I couldn’t even be there to listen to you?

I couldn’t listen to your voice and your every word. I couldn’t talk to you like a normal person. I couldn’t. As much as I wished I could… I couldn’t.

I simply couldn’t.

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I look at you, and you are so beautiful.

You have this smile that could light up my heart in ways unimaginable.

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…and I want the very best for you.

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But sadly, I wasn’t that person. At least… not anymore.

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I told nobody about this.

Not even Young-bae, not even my Umma… not even you.

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It wasn’t something I was proud of. It wasn’t something to brag about.

And so naturally, it was something I told no one.

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I just… drifted away.

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Oppa.

Sometimes I don’t know what to feel when you talk to me.

I feel happy, yes, that I can still hear you. (Even though your voice that comes through to reach me sounds somewhat muffled) But at the same time, I feel conflicted. Because the thing about losing your hearing is that… you can’t hear your own voice.

I can’t even hear myself.

My mouth would open and I could feel myself speaking, but I could hear none of it.

Sometimes I don’t even know if I was speaking properly or if my words came out slurred and distorted. I probably sounded like someone with a speech impediment at times.

And I would be afraid that you may find out.

I just… didn’t want anyone (especially not you) to find out.

Oppa…are you going for the staff dinner later on?

Nah, I think I’ll give it a pass.

I hope I said that right.

Okay, you said. You looked a little dejected.

But Oppa…

Hn.

Is there something wrong? I feel like these days you’ve been acting a little weird and-EEEEEEEEEE

.

It was one of those attacks.

My right hand instinctively flew up against my ear and my eyes narrowed.

The pain was excruciating.

EEEEEEEEBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

I couldn’t hear you anymore. I barely looked up and you walked over hurriedly, panic flashing in your eyes.

I’m fine, I tried to say.

BZZZZZZZZZ-

Are you in pain? Are you okay?! Oppa??!

The noise stopped as abruptly as it began.

The only sounds that filled the room were just your frantic calls of concern and fright.

You had looked so… panic-stricken.

And terrified.

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And in that single instant, I knew.

I knew that I couldn’t allow you to go through all of that ever again.

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Shakily and unconvincingly, I managed a laugh.

It was a joke! I said, trying to sound light-hearted and remove the heavy air in the studio.

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I think we both knew then, that I was lying.

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But you said nothing about it.

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After a while, you looked back up at me and said: Oppa, you know you can tell me anything, right?

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I nodded solemnly.

And you barely smiled. Slowly, you turned to walk away.

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I know that I could tell you everything else, Chaerin-ah… but not this. I could never tell you about this. 

Thank you for reading xxx
(leave me a comment if you could!) ^-^