November 2013

I drifted away from the you that I cared so much about.

I pushed you away from me, crushing my own heart and leaving it broken without repair.

…but I had to do it. It was the only way.

And so, bit by bit, I ignored you. It started with ignoring your little pats on my shoulder with irritated retorts. And then I would return your smiles with a cold, blank stare. I was trying to treat you like a mere stranger.

But then …my heart wrenched painfully as I watched your hurt expressions.

I could only think: I was the one who changed that beautiful smile into a mix of sadness and disappointment.

Other times, I would snap at you and you’d blink – unsure of how to react, uncertain of my uncalled-for outburst. Your eyes became downcast. And my heart became pierced in anguish.

I just felt like a piece of .

Times like these, I wished you’d stop caring about me. It wouldn’t be so hard on you then... we could just go our separate ways as if we’ve never met.

But then, I knew exactly how many times my heart would still flutter at the little actions of care and concern that you chose to give me. Deep down inside, there was the me who was oh so glad to be the subject of your affection.

I was happy… that you still cared.

But the logical side of me knew that this couldn’t continue. It would only hurt you more.

And so… I kept up this cold and aloof demeanor whenever you were around.

December 2013

And so, we drifted, with my pain stricken heart and your eyes filled with hurt and sadness.

Do you know what it is like, to see the person you love feeling hurt… knowing that you are the sole cause for it?

It’s a ing miserable, sinking feeling.

We sat in the studio, and I could feel your gaze lingering on me – full of anger and sadness. How long had the laughter in the room died?

I’m sorry, Chaerin-ah, I want to say. But I remained unmoving at my seat. The conversation from yesterday flashed in my head, painfully so.

What happened was, you confronted me. Just like I knew you would.

Why?

It was a simple question really. Why have I changed? Why did I start ignoring you? Why did I distance myself from you? Why?

Is there something wrong?

Wrong? Everything is wrong. It’s just that nobody knows it. Everything is wrong because I can’t ing hear. And my hearing is deteriorating by the ing day, flickering on and off like a light bulb. Everything is wrong because nobody can know that I can’t hear and it’s weighing my entire body down like a rock… it’s suffocating.

And I can’t tell you.

And I can’t even love you anymore.

You stared at me – kind eyes seeking to understand.

But me? I just stood there, overwhelmed by the gush of emotions that hit me. Suddenly, I just wished that something could take all of this away from me. I wished that I could go back to a time where we’d be laughing and smiling for no goddamned reason, talking endless conversations under a starless skyline into the wee hours of the morning. It was all so simple and happy back then.

But now? I just felt the sheer ache creeping into my heart as I hurled the painful words out of my mouth.

Wrong? There’s nothing wrong. I’ve always been like this.

I kept my eyes cold and unfeeling. These words had to be said… otherwise, you could never walk away from me.

Didn’t you know?

I just… need you to walk away before I hurt you.

You ask me why I’m ignoring you. Why couldn’t I? Did you actually think we were friends? You thought that I would be friends with someone like you?

Sorry, Chae-ah.

You are nothing to me.

Those words left my mouth and burned my heart.

All at once, your eyes flashed anger and hurt, downcast with disappointment. I knew it then: I’ve really hurt you.

In a stretched second, your hand swiped across my face and a stinging pain tingles on my right cheek. My vision shifts and my eyes focused back on you.

A single trail of tear had fallen from your eye and a blank look spread across your face. In all my time of knowing you, I’d never seen you like that… so vulnerable and sad.

In that flash of a moment, I suddenly had this urge of taking everything back. I wanted to take back all those words. I wanted to tell you everything. I wanted to do… something.

Anything.

Anything to take away all of your pain.  

But then, you turned your back against me and walked away. By instinct, my right hand raised, as if to hold on to you. I caught nothing but the wisp of air you left behind.

Finally, I had pushed you away from me.

I’ve never felt more relief… and I’ve never felt sadder.

A single roll of tear fell from my eye.

My heart felt… broken.

It was the inexplicable kind of broken that would never heal. No matter how long, no matter what happens, I knew it then, that this ache right here, in my heart, would never go away.

Because I would always love you.

And because… I could never love you.

And so, now, staring at you from across the room, I knew.

We had not only drifted, we had… separated.

We wouldn’t talk unless absolutely necessary. And even then, it would be a short exchange of business words in cold tones. Nothing more. After everything, this is what we’ve become: just a couple of strangers who knew everything about each other.

That, and the fact that I allowed for all of this to happen, is the saddest of it all.

I was walking down the streets, having just left the building. The weather these days were getting colder and colder. The streets were apparently noisy though, judging by the amount of people. Sometimes, when your sense of hearing has gone haywire, walking down the streets could be both daunting and liberating.

It was like walking in a dream, because it felt so surreal. I could never tell how loud things actually were, but yet so many kinds of fuzzy noises would flood my mind.

The streets that were once filled with familiar sounds and smells still looked the same, but then it felt so different, too.

My feet glided against the pavement, but it felt like I never touched the cemented floor.

For no reason at all, I came to a stop just a few feet in front of a food stall by the corner of the street. It was one of those food vendors that sold hot snacks along the streets. The aunty used to call out for people to buy her snacks. “Hot and delicious Dakkochi!” She would say, her voice enthusiastic and loud. Her lips still moved, but sadly, that ringing tone of her voice never made it through my ears.

And then my eyes shifted to a familiar figure standing in front of the stall.

Ah, it was you.

Afterall, this was the food stall we would frequent from time to time. You smiled and greeted the aunty there, and that smile warmed my heart on that winter afternoon. I just stood there, watching you.

I had missed you so, so much.

Back in the studio, it was just so cold: the both of us, mechanically unsmiling and stiff. But really, whose fault was that?

You shared a couple of laughs with the aunty, and then taking your food, you proceeded to leave. But then as you turned, our eyes met. The laugh died on your lips and your face dropped. I stared on at you, but it feels so weird. Why did we become like this…?

I smiled a dry smile, before hastily turning to walk away. Noises whirred in my head, but then, I felt as though you said something. I just had this feeling that you were talking to me. I glanced back at you as I walked away, only to seeing your mouth forming shapes.

But the noise level and background sounds made it impossible to make out what you were saying.

A forewarning expression appeared over your features.

Alarm screamed in your eyes.

You shouted.

I glanced over to my left, but it was too late.

All I could see was a pair of headlights, fast approaching.

And I was in the center of its path.

Everything was happening too fast and I just stood there, overwhelmed by shock.

I couldn’t feel anything.

The light was all I could see.

I had thought then, that everything was going to be over.

Suddenly, a warm pair of hands fiercely clung onto my own, barely pulling me out of death’s grasp. Objects and things whirled around me, merging into a strange and dizzy blur.

I could still remember so vividly, the sheer centimeters that the tire of that van was from the tips of my toes. We fell on the sidewalk, and I could barely register the fact that I was nearly knocked over by a van. Buzzing noises filled my ears and for the first time after knowing that my hearing was impaired, I truly felt scared. My left arm felt a shot of pain, but the rest of my body remained so numbed.

I had been shivering.

Still trembling, I turned over to look at you. The left side of your cheek had been bruised, and worry lined the corners of your eyes.

WHAT the hell were you doing?

I read your lips, but heard no sound. I still couldn’t tell if you said that in a loud whisper or a shout. But in that moment, I just had this epiphany.

My hand shakily moved to touch the bruise on your cheek.

You were still talking, but your words stopped when I touched your cheek.

And then, I wrapped my arms around you.

In that single instant, point blank from blacking out forever, it was all the memories of you that had flooded my mind. The very thought of potentially losing my life felt insignificant to the thought of losing you. I could only think about you. Your smile, your laugh, your every touch, your everything. And the thought of never seeing and feeling any of those things ever again was petrifying.

And I just knew that… couldn’t bear to lose you.

So, on that winter afternoon, holding on to you at the sidewalk, trembling and shaking, I said those words as best as I could.

Chaerin-ah, I… can’t hear anything.

A teardrop escaped from my right eye.

I closed both my eyes, hugging you close.

I can’t hear anything at all. 

Hello lovelies. Sorry for the super late update ): I had been sick and uninspired... Sigh. I really don't like this chapter (after 3435467 edits) but I've been keeping you guys waiting long enough... so yeah! Here's the chapter to the people who are still reading! :) Stay awesome and happy. xxx 
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