-

It is the last day of December 2013.

And I’m going to tell you that I love you.

I don’t know how, but I’m going to tell you I love you.

Love isn’t just a hollow word thrown around by people in conversations.

At least, to me, it isn’t.

Love, especially my love to you, is wholehearted. I look back on all that we’ve been through and I can’t find the perfect words to tell you how thankful I am for having you in my life. I love you for all the ways you are yourself.

I look at you now against the dark sky, and my heart is pounding.

I want to tell you that I love you.

And when I say those words, I’m really saying that I want you in my life, always, and forever. I know it now, as I look into your eyes, that my feelings for you will never change. I know it in the depths of my soul that the sun may never rise again, but my love for you burns like a never ending flame.

In the loud silence of the crowd, we are just people, we are two souls intertwined. You’re smiling and you look enchanting.

And I love you.

I don’t know if you feel the same way and I don’t know if you’ll say those words back to me. But honestly, I don’t need to hear those words back. Even if I don’t get those words back, even if my feelings are unrequited, I’ll still love you all the same.

I guess that’s just what it is: Love is a chance but it’s also a risk.

There are bright lights and loud sounds.

Chae-ah…

My throat is frozen but these words are burning.

I

You looked at me, smiling.

Love

The fireworks go off in the distance.

You

(I love you and I’m afraid that I may never get to say those words again.)

-

The colors burst into the sky, and they reflect in your eyes with streaks of purple and yellow.

Slowly, your hands reach out to mine and your fingers tangled up with mine.

-

As the fireworks go off into the dark night sky, I gently kiss the top your head.

-

I love you so much.

And even though I cannot hear those words back, knowing that you love me was enough.

-

-

January 2014

[K-pop idol G-dragon has announced a temporary hiatus…]

[HOT NEWS: G-DRAGON ON INDEFINITE HIATUS!]

[Official news: G-dragon did not disclose reason for temporary hiatus but appealed for fans to continue supporting him and to await for his comeback…]

The walls are empty and white.

And I am scared. Fear eats into my soul as I hold on to your hand. I look down at your hand and it’s a hand that I never want to let go of. I love you I say again. I feel like I can never say those words enough. My heart trembles but I smile at you.

You looked back down at me with a faint smile.

Chae-ah, you said. I’m going now.

Numbly, I nodded. I felt hot tears welling up in me but still I willed them not to trickle down.

I’ll be okay.

I nodded again.

And then I smiled.

Because I will always smile for you.

I watched as you entered the room and the first wave of tears escaped from the corner of my eye. A lump forms in my throat and it gets a little harder to breath.

I am scared.

I stare at the whitewashed walls blankly.

And I pray.

I pray that you will be alright. I pray that things will be okay. The doctor’s cold and unfeeling words echo loudly in my head.

“This operation has been approved by Health Authorities but nonetheless holds a comparatively higher risk factor than conventional operations.

Of course, this means risk for reward. He could choose this operation as opposed to the previously established operation standard and stand a near complete recovery in both ears. But this entails a 35% chance that… he may permanently lose his hearing indefinitely.”

My voice was struck in my throat.

And what about the standard procedures…? I barely uttered those words.

“Well, all operations run a necessary risk. But conventional procedures have a risk factor of 5%... but reportedly, patients still experience slight to moderate hearing loss within 15 months of the operation. And, with that they would experience moderate to high levels of pain from time to time.”

That day, we sat staring at the same whitewashed walls for a really, really long time.

The corridors were silent and empty and I could only hear my own frantic heartbeat racing.

After what seemed like forever, you gave my hand a little squeeze.

I’ll always support your decision, I mouthed. The words that left my mouth was simply too weak for sound. And I smiled at you as brightly as I could, because I knew that you needed it.

But truth be told, I was so, so scared. (And I still am)

-

I sat there, by your side, reading and rereading the operation details. My mind is a blank whirl of information. Physically, I was reading, but really, my mind was a blank state of nothing. A versus B. Thirty-five percent versus five percent. Full recovery versus potential repercussions.

So many numbers and words flashed in my mind.

How was I to choose?

The risks were high… and there was so much that I simply couldn’t bear to lose.

I glanced over at you as I felt your hand grow limp in mine. Your hands were so cold.

For how long had we been sitting and staring at walls?

A or B.

A or B?

In a chaotic moment of silence, I closed my eyes.

And all I could think of was you.

I thought about the very first day I met you - a girl in a white tee shirt and jeans.

All the hazy, blurry sounds backstage.

I pictured all the managers rushing and yelling, the colors, and the lights.

And… I remembered feeling lost.

I remembered the anxiety from that day.

Just like now.

 And I remembered the words you said that day.

“Do what Kwon Jiyong always wanted to do.”

It was those words that fueled my energy that day in April. Because my debut was all that I ever wanted to do.

But right now, I just really… wanted to hear your voice again.

I opened my eyes again as determination set in.

A or B?

One squeeze for A and two for B.

Silently, I gave your numb fingers a little squeeze. My love for you is a risk that I am willing to take… even if it means losing my hearing forever.

-

And so now, as I enter the operation room, I think back to everything.

From the first day I met you, through all the good days and bad ones. I remember the late nights and endless laughter. I remember the ways we would always click and the conversations we had. I remember how you were there for me in my darkest, most vulnerable moments and I know in my heart that you will always be there.

I sit down on the operating table. The feeling of your hands lingers on mine and it feels like you are right here with me.

The light is blinding.

///Sorry for this pathetic exucse of a chapter /sighs/ 
/cringes at the chapter/ 
I am disappointed in this chapter myself.... ): /sighs again/ is anyone still reading? >< thank you if you are, it means alot to me :) these days haven't been kind to me but hope that something nice will happen to you today. x