-

At the very instant the door shut, my knees gave in and I collapsed on the floor. A heavy feeling sunk into my chest, and my head became completely blank.

For a really long time, I just stayed there on the floor.

My head was blank.

I felt nothing. I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t anything, basically.

The coldness in the room seemed to have doubled, and it harshly pierced into my skin. All I could remember was being hit by this merciless and icy chill that overcame me in those long moments.

This isn’t real. The voice in my head barked.

This couldn’t be happening. This isn’t real…this can’t be real…

These thoughts kept racing in my head, perpetuating the harrowing ache that was growing in my head. Whirlpool of moving images appeared in my head rapidly, striking me with such brutal force. All the memories, all those times I’ve spent with her, they came rushing back to me in flashes and bouts.

…

“Jiyong-oppa, where do you want to go?” Her cute voice filled my ears through the speakers of the phone. I pictured her lying on her bed, with her hair tossed about and messy.

I felt myself smiling. “Anywhere you want to go. But maybe somewhere not so crowded, I guess.” I had replied lazily back then. Talking on the phone with her was like being in a sweet state of drunken bliss.

“Um, how about Myeongdong?”

I furrowed my brows then. It was common knowledge that Myeongdong was perhaps one of the busiest places in Seoul, considering that it’s one of the popular shopping destinations in Korea. “But...” I began.

“But Oppaaaaaa~ I really want to visit that place though…” I could almost picture her aegyo through the phone. I laughed then, and didn’t think much of it.

“We could go there during midday! I heard it’s less crowded…” she continues rambling on, in a semi-nervous manner.

I had thought that it was because she was frantic for my approval. I had thought that she was cutely nervous. I had thought she really wanted to visit Myeongdong…

But now, sitting on the floor and thinking back, the loopholes became painfully apparent. I took the entire stack of photographs silently and looked at the first photograph in my hand. It was a crystal clear shot of me and her holding hands in Myeongdong Main Street, in front of some neon signboards. Was this really why she asked me out?

“Oppa, remember to wear those maroon sneakers, too!”

“Why?”

“…because we’ll be walking a lot and… and, um, w-well, because I want us to match!”

“Stuck in your romantic fantasies again?” I playfully.

“C’mon Oppa~ I think we will look like a cute couple, right~…?”

“Alright, alright~.”

The picture clearly captures the matching sneakers. The next picture was worse – it was a close-up of the couple sneakers we wore. I stared at the pictures dumbly. It can’t be…right? What if it was a coincidence? Yeah, what if it was just a coincidence? Maybe Chaerin was wrong. Maybe we just happened to pass by and there happened to be some paparazzi or nosy reporter or someone…right? And maybe they happened to see that we were wearing the same sneakers… and decided to take a picture…? I mean sometimes just happens and…

Continuous thoughts overflowed in my mind, all trying to refute the evidence that was staring at me. I didn’t want to believe any of this. Frantically, I started browsing through the pictures.

Our date in Myeongdong, the time we went to Insadong…

My fingers moved quickly as my eyes scanned the photographs. How could there be so many pictures taken?

The two of us at that French bakery, the meeting in Busan…

And suddenly, my fingers stopped at one particular photograph. 

I held it up and stared at it.  

…and the coffee place from our first meeting…

…

“Jiyong-oppa, let’s sit outside.”

“Isn’t it better to sit inside?”

“Don’t worry oppa, I know this place very well! There won’t be any ‘unwanted attention’…you know. Besides, the view outside is amazing! Especially at this timing…”

We walked out to the balcony on the second floor, where a row of quaint little tables and chairs were properly in place. Causally, I walked on over to the nearest table on my left and proceeded to pull out the chair.

“WAIT!” She almost shouted. I was startled. My eyes widened and I stared at her, bewildered. A look of apprehension came over her features, and she stumbled on her words then, saying “OH! I-er… it’s better to sit there,” her hands pointing towards the right-end tables that were slightly farther away. “I mean the uh view, I mean sunset, ah yes, the sunset is nice, from there.”  

This single piece memory flashed back in my mind when I saw that photograph. So far, the shots captured were all in a series of ten shots. So flipping through the ten shots was like flipping through a flipbook. You could create a stupid little animation, basically.

I looked back at the photograph. It showed a slightly blurry picture of her leaning near the boundary of the balcony. It was like she was…staring straight at the camera, giving some kind of signal. It was almost like she was trying to give some kind of sign to the person taking the picture. What the hell is going on here…?

My mind began to race with fuzzy confusing thoughts and that certainty wasn’t helping. Quickly, I flipped over to the next picture. The next shot was a more focused picture: it now became evident that she was indeed giving the person some kind of ‘heads up’. This was followed by two distorted shots of her and her pink dress as she walked back to the table.

I turned to the next. It showed her sitting down by the table and some kind of small black object was at the entrance of the balcony. My eyes narrowed at that thing. What is that?

I turned to the next couple of pictures and I realized that that ‘black thing’ was actually part of my pant leg as I walked back to the table. I remember now. At that time, I had told her that I needed to use the washroom and had excused myself. I was gone for like, what, five minutes? When I came back to the table, I remember that she was looking out into the distance. I had asked her then, “Hey, whatcha looking at?”

“It’s nothing,” she had said then, before giving a little nervous laugh.

Suddenly, these memories appeared in my head so vividly that it was cruel. It was disgustingly cruel how I could see everything now. From the little details about her that I chose to ignore, to the strange nervousness that would surface from time to time – I saw them all.

I closed my eyes shut, tightly. My jaw clenched.

-

Unknowingly, that very first photograph had long been crushed in my hand.

-

A single solemn tear fell to the floor.

In that instant, I thought:

I… really loved you. I did.

-

I think back now and realize that a part of me died along with that tear. That single tear killed the youthful and innocent part of me. It killed the me that thought of love being an enchanted kind of paradise. That single tear ended what I thought was my one and only love back then.

To say that I was devastated was an understatement.

But I didn’t show any of this. I was young and heartbroken, but nobody needed to know about. And nobody should, either.

Afterall, I am Kwon Jiyong.

Still, that feeling remains as a brutal stab in my heart. It felt a deep scar on the relationships that I would have after that. You know, before I met her, I used to scoff at the people who couldn’t move pass their first love. I used to be that person who mocked others who’d crumple at their first heartbreak. I used to think, how could someone be so weak?

I look back now and oh, the irony is killing me.

-

But because of this, and because of her, I was never the same person after that.

-

Hello fabulous readers :) 
Hope you liked this chapter even though it was kinda boring :/ But it was needed for the explanation and thought process. Also, updates would be coming twice a week or every three days instead, because I'm starting work and time maybe more limited... I'll still do my best to update alright ^^ 

Cheers people, (and leave me a comment, maybe? I love hearing from you guys!) :))