I woke up feeling that urge of breaking free from suppression again. I dreamt about him again. Every dream brings me deeper and deeper into depths of this more complex emotion. Sometimes my dreams about him would just be entirely fluffy. An easy fast paced dream that has a lot of sweet sugary experience but sometimes it goes off to something intense; if someone would rate it as a movie it would have the rating M, for mature and ty contents. Maybe my desires that were kept in the unconscious appear in my dreams to set it free from being repressed too much in the corners of my mind. But today my dream is something new; new to set too much distaste in me. Distaste not because I don’t like Leeteuk, but distaste because it brought fear in me.

In my dream: He was smiling happily at me while he was dancing at the rehearsal room, where we were left alone. He was tired but he kept on dancing. Once he was done, I came to him and brushed my thumb against his cheek as I said “Don’t tire yourself too much my baby, my love.” And he took my hand in his while it was still touching his cheek. He told me “Don’t worry too my baby.”

That dream. Oh that dream, in that dream I called him my love. He called me baby. It gave me that impression that we are already together in that dream, that there was an US. It’s very terrifying since in my dream I am already in love with him. It was no longer a mere crush. We already confessed our love to each other. It was more than crush, but less than lust; it was passion. But I dread falling in love with him, since he would never feel the same way about me. Never. So I hope this isn’t love.

Last night we talked about the trainees who obviously had crush on him, it gave me a pang in my heart. I really wouldn’t have a chance.

I sat so lonesome in the kitchen table while I took a spoonful of cereal. It was 5 in the morning. The sun hasn’t fully shown himself proudly yet. There was still a perfect serene atmosphere. My hyungs were still asleep. I wonder to myself all the things that I should be doing to eradicate these feelings. I wanted it out of my system. Yet a part of me wants to fight for it and wants to shout it out to the world.

“You seem to be thinking deep Kyu.” Ah... It was his voice, like a lullaby in my ears. “ah wait” I said to myself, it’s Teukie. I turned around and saw him smiling right at me.

“Do you mind?” He asked me if he could sit beside me.

“Not at all.”

“So what were you thinking about?”

“Nothing important” I sighed

“It seems that, that nothing important is giving you a hard time. Common tell me.”

“If you really like something but it seems like you can’t get it would you forget about it?” I asked

“How did you know that you can’t have it? Have you tried getting it?”

“Actually, I haven’t.”

“Then, don’t say that you can’t have it if you haven’t tried claiming it first.” He smiled at me with his dimple showing; he really looked like an angel. God. My angel.

“Oh.”I said “I’ll try then, I guess”

He chuckled. “Oh, whatever that thing may be, I’ll support you. But you can still tell me what that thing is.” He offered

“No hyung. Your advice is enough.” We both laughed.

“Feeling okay?” I asked

“Better”

---

We again had a rehearsal, thank God it was only a half day practice. I know Teukie hasn’t fully recovered yet. So he might as well take a rest this afternoon.

I saw the trainees again trying to get Leeteuk’s attention. Of course they weren’t vulgar, but yes anyone in the room could definitely say that these girls were trying to get his attention. I shook my head in disbelief. He too, enjoyed the attention. Would he like to count me in? I hate this feeling.

What I didn’t know, Kangin-hyung is looking at me. He sat beside me and tried to say something through a whisper. “You’re jealous aren’t you?”

I laughed but defensively said “Why would I? I don’t like Leeteuk. That’s crazy! Pshhh...”

“Who said about you-liking Leeteuk? What I meant is that you’re jealous about the attention he’s getting. I mean you’re the youngest you should be the one who’s been drooled around.”

I chuckled sheepishly “Yeah. You’re right hyung. Why does the ajhussi get all the attention? You’re jealous too, right? Haha...” I laughed awkwardly.

“I am. He gets all the attention. Why is that? Including yours”

My eyes widened, before I could say anything he stood, and smiled and was about to leave.

“Hyung” I said as I held his hand, trying to stop him from leaving.

“Why did I know?”

Then my heart almost skipped a beat.

“Yeah.”

“Let’s go for a coffee for a while.”

“Yeah. Sure.”