I Love Him

I love him.

The words are powerful than I thought. Love. It was grave enough to speak. It was more painful than I ever thought. No matter how whimsical, magical, and magnificent they say love is; it is ironically difficult, excruciating, and impossible at the same time.

I’ve have had boyfriends before. But they were all distant, impersonal, and others were just flings.  This was my first time to feel this way. I was crazy about him. How could I have doubted at first that it was love, when all along I felt the madness within? He made me frenzied. He made me feel insane. How come I only managed to admit that I am in love with him, just now? Why do I have to go through this difficult time for me to realize how much he meant to me?

I gasped as I said to myself again, I love him. I love you Park Jungsu.

I hardly slept that night. It was unfair; he didn’t even tell me what our problem was. Now, he’s sleeping peacefully in his room not minding anything even his drunkenness.

I reminisced the moments where it all started. I tried to go as far as I can remember. I realized that I loved him, even before. We were not in good terms when I started off with Super Junior. I criticized him, for I think he was being overly dominant and authoritative to us, to me. He too, could not first accept a new member; for he wanted to protect the original members. On the other hand, he was also acting responsibly to us. He only wanted what’s best for the group. So when I realized that he cared. I stopped criticizing him; instead I admired him and respected him greatly. 

He had always been so protective of me also, knowing that I am not as healthy as I was before the accident; knowing that I am one of those fragile members; knowing that I am the maknae. He doesn’t just look out for me physically, but even with the issues surrounding our careers, he has always been there. Our emotional state has been looked after too. He didn’t want us to be too much depressed.

He could also sacrifice big time for us too. Most often, he keeps looking out for us, not realizing who’ll be looking out for him. He rarely shared his troubles. He managed to put a noisy, bubbly and jolly image, but in truth there’s more to it than meets the eye. We knew that he had troubles too, when he had superficial troubles he would share it but when it comes to in-depth ones, he falters. He doesn’t want to bother us. But honestly we do, we did want to be bothered. We wanted to help him. I wanted to help him.

Realizing those, my heart ached more. I really loved him even before. I loved his caring instincts, I loved his crazy doings, I loved his bizarre laugh, I loved his leadership, and I just loved his existence.

“He is just beautiful; he is just wonderful.”

I cried myself to sleep. These feelings I have for him is just immensely great that I don’t know how I could handle it. I just love him so much that it hurts. I needed him to talk to me again. I needed to be able to express myself to him or I’ll burst.

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I could hardly open my eyes, as I could feel the stung after I had cried a river last night. The sore brought the thought of Leeteuk again. I felt a pang in my heart. How will our day turn out again? How was I going to face him?

Everyone else was still asleep, and that was what I thought.

I sat at the kitchen, and I saw Leeteuk. He was about to enter, but as soon as he saw me, he left.

I frowned bitterly when he left. How could he be that mean? What was wrong with him?

I was at the verge of confronting him. I followed, as soon as he left. I stood outside of his room, contemplating and rehearsing what to say. His door was slightly lid and I could see him in front of his desk. He seemed to be minding some headache. My heart softened.

So I vacated and instead, I went to the kitchen and took the tea I bought for him. I made one for him and prepared a sandwich. He hated me now, so what? I still cared for him.

I placed them on a tray and knocked on his room. I didn’t wait for him to attend the door. I placed the tray at his doorstep and I left. I didn’t care what he’d think, or if he cared. For me I did what I felt was the right thing to do.

It was a Monday, however there were no schedules. I isolated myself in the room. I did all the boring stuff I could think of, just to divert my attention. And so practically, we ended the day, still not talking to each other.  

Hi guys. It has been awhile? Well the story's getting more dramatic. Do you mind? What's your opinion about it. I'm such a hopeless romantic, that I write like this. Comment away. Thank you to those people who commented, I hope I didn't end up frustrating you with what is happening with Teukie and Kyu.

I'll update soon, after. Be doing school stuff, though surely I'll be here most of the time on summer. :)

Hope you like the update. :)