“Please Hana?”

“No.”

“Once?”

“No.”

“C’mon, it’s for Lay!”

“I can send him a selfie myself, thank you very much.”

“But Hana!”

“Kai, stop harassing her will you?”

“Thank you Kyungsoo.”

“It’s not harassment! I’m doing my friend a favor!”

“By harassing his girlfriend while he’s away?”

“NOT harassment Baekhyun!”

“Whatever you say,” Baekhyun muttered and then pulled Hana to his side.

“C’mon, let’s get you home.” Hana silently followed him. Kyungsoo tagged along. The rest wanted to follow them too but the glare Kyungsoo gave them made them stop in their tracks. They didn’t know where Sehun was. He got off early when Luhan came over to pick him up. Today was the last day. After this Junmi will finally be single again. Sehun, just turning 18 this year, had to attend due to something about custody issues.

“Hana I will only ask this once,” there was no flick of amusement in Baekhyun’s voice,” and you’re going to answer me. What did he say to you?”

“Hana,” came Kyungsoo’s hard voice once he noticed the girl was going to dismiss his question.

Hana had sighed. It had been two weeks since Lay left. Coping, Hana figured, would be hard, especially the first few days. She figured wrong. Things remained the same. She missed him of course, but not in the way she had always read in novels. For one, she didn’t feel any ‘pain in her chest’ whenever she missed him or thought about him. Hearing his voice brightened up her day, but even on the days when he could only slip in a minute long message while she was asleep, she’d be content. She missed him, he missed her, but they both realized that the longer they take to settle in their situation, the harder it would be for both of them. It was pretty different from the time she had been sick. Those three days seemed to stretch on forever. Probably because she knew that he was waiting for her on the other side of the door. It’s different, when someone you long for is near you but know you can’t reach out for them, than it is when you know that they are miles apart and you couldn’t be with them even if you wanted to for the moment.

“I don’t want to talk about it guys.”

“You can’t let him keep getting away with these Hana.”

The first week after he left, Hana had some trouble. Not with her feelings, but with a certain persistent being that she wanted nothing to do with. Jaekyung saw Lay’s departure as an opening. His attempts to get her attention increased day by day. She didn’t tell anyone first. She thought she could handle it. Then one day while Jongdae was on sick leave, Baekhyun saw Jaekyung’s hand creep up Hana’s arm. He didn’t miss the girl’s uncomfortable flinch either nor did he ignore the look she had on her face. Baekhyun would, if Baekhyun could, take Jaekyung by the collar then and there and pound the daylights out of him. But he didn’t.

Kyungsoo wasn’t aware until he saw her silently wiping her tears behind the tree in the school garden. When he saw her clutching on to the wing necklace that Lay had given her, he simply assumed she missed him. Feeling sorry for his friend he went over. It wasn’t until he heard her chanting the words “go away” over and over again did he feel like something was terribly wrong. Kyungsoo spoke to Baekhyun, and together they confronted Hana. It took them ten minutes just to get her to speak out about it. Although Kyungsoo wondered if she would’ve cracked if they hadn’t used the ‘we’ll tell Lay’ card. He still remembered how she looked. Small, lost, fragile, like a piece of China. When Hana took Baekhyun to the side for a hushed conversation, Kyungsoo admitted, he felt left out. Baekhyun was looking at Hana with a mix of anger and concern. Hana couldn’t even look at him, her eyes were trailed on her shoes.

“Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun had said,” there’s something you should know. We can talk to her about this tomorrow.”

Kyungsoo had tried to protest but Hana’s sudden pale complexion sealed his lips. That day, Baekhyun had took Kyungsoo home and made him coffee. Byun Baekhyun never made coffee for Kyungsoo even when he asked for one. Kyungsoo’s stomach lurched in an uncomfortable way. Baekhyun spoke with the seriousness Kyungsoo had rarely ever heard. He took it slowly. First he reminded him of Hana’s initial odd behavior, her absences from practices on certain days. When the word ‘severe depression’ crawled its way to Kyungsoo’s ears, the wide eyed boy almost dropped his cup. It was even worse when Baekhyun mentioned her selective mutism and post traumatic stress. That night marked the first time Baekhyun had ever seen the always collected Kyungsoo act in a way that wasn’t his own. Kyungsoo had bolted out his house, Baekhyun on his heels, and banged the Kim’s residence door.  He didn’t have the heart to be angry with her. Baekhyun knew, then why couldn’t she tell him too? There was a pinch when he thought about that, but when Baekhyun told him how he had practically forced it out of her, it was gone. Even if Baekhyun hadn’t cleared his method, Kyungsoo couldn’t have brought himself to be upset with her. Hana was brave, a lot braver than any girl he had ever known in his eighteen years of life.

“I’ll tell everyone. I will. But I’m not ready yet.” he remembered her whispering, “Promise me you won’t tell anyone. Not even Lay. I swear I’ll tell him. I just need a little more time to get myself together.”

That was his first promise to Hana. The second promise was made the next day.

“What I’m about to tell you guys… I haven’t told this to anyone. Not to Baekhyun,” she had added after seeing Kyungsoo glance questioningly in his direction,” not to Lay, not Junmi, not Sehun, not Luhan, even Yuri doesn’t know.”

“Yuri?” Baekhyun had asked with a puzzled look. Why was Hana mentioning her ex-best friend? His question was answered sooner than he could ask. Kyungsoo remembered Hana digging her nails into her bed sheet. The glimmer that had become usual in her eyes had vanished.

“Uh-Yuri and I… we were best friends for a long time. We did everything together. We went to the same kindergarten, same schools. Sisters, we’d call ourselves. Yuri was the best, we told each other everything. Our first year in middle school, she told me that she found a guy in her class cute. I thought ‘ok, that’s nice’. I thought it would be one of those temporary attractions that girls had around that age,” she’d sighed,” it wasn’t.”

“She talked about him all day. How perfect he was, how amazing his hair were, then one day she said she liked him. Really, really liked him. I was happy for her of course. Like every best friend, I said I wanted to see the guy too. So I dropped her off to class one day and she pointed towards him. I knew that guy, he was in Music with me. I remember when he looked up and saw us staring at him by the door. He waved. Yuri waved back but I didn’t. It was later that I noticed he was looking at me…”

“Yuri had a lot of friends but she’d always sit with me for lunch and pick me as her partner. But that started changing after she befriended him. I suppose by now you know who the boy was right?”

“Jaekyung…? Yuri liked Jaekhyun?” Baekhyun was flabbergasted but Kyungsoo was surprised with himself when he didn’t mimic his friend’s shock. Did he perhaps see it coming?

“Yeah,” Hana had ruefully nodded,” things started changing. When she first asked him to sit with us for lunch, I thought it’d be better if I stayed aside, became invisible so that they could get to know each other better. But when we sat down, rather than just conversing with Yuri, he asked me questions too. He didn’t make me feel left out. There were times when Yuri would talk to her friends and I’d just stand there, waiting for them to finish so we could go wherever we had to. None of them noticed me after a greeting, but he did. I realized then that maybe we could be friends too. At first I would feel a little jealous of him. He had all of Yuri’s attention. She told me how much she liked him every day. But after we became friends and I got to know him better, I realized that he was a really great guy. He’d be perfect for her.”

“We started hanging out, the three of us. There were so many times I’d try to set them up on a date, send them alone. But that never happened. He’d always demand that I come with them, and Yuri, despite her wishes, would force me to come just because he said so. I thought he was just being nice. Our freshmen year in high school, Yuri said she was going to confess. I was so happy for her, I knew he wouldn’t turn her down. I was even happier to find out that he didn’t. They started dating first week of our first year. What I didn’t understand was that whenever Yuri planned a date he’d always turn to me and ask if I’m up for it. I’d decline and make an excuse but he’d insist they reschedule. Could you believe a couple that went out for three months yet had still never been on a date?”

“Yuri became upset, she thought maybe he didn’t like her how she liked him. I told her she was being ridiculous, why would he date her if he didn’t like her? Figuring he only asked me along because he felt I might feel left out, we made a plan. The next time we went out I excused myself and then texted them that my mom called and I had to go home. I was so excited, I was like ‘finally! A proper date!’. But I was wrong. The next day Jaekyung came up to me looking angry. He started yelling at me for leaving. It took me a minute to realize what he was saying. I was stunned, he had never even argued before, much less shout. And that too for leaving him with his girlfriend? I thought I was doing them a favor. He stormed off leaving a bunch of students looking at me. Yuri was more upset than I was. She said Jaekyung had left after my message. She tried to make him stay but he didn’t. He didn’t even walk her home.”

“Things became…odd after that. Jaekyung started hovering around me a lot more than usual. Yuri became distant. She made snide remarks often in our conversations and I had no idea why. I tried talking to her about it but she said it was nothing. I eventually asked Jaekyung if he and Yuri had a fight, he said it was nothing and that he was happy. I was so confused. I was sure I did something, though unconsciously, that had upset my best friend. She just wouldn’t tell me and so I couldn’t fix it.”

“Summer break was coming, and Yuri and her family were going to Hawaii a week earlier. She refused to have a sleepover before she left. There were times when I wanted to cry, beg her to tell me what I did wrong. Yuri was the only one I had back then. Sehun and Luhan used to live with their dad at the other end of town. They couldn’t be there like Yuri was. I cried that night; she had sent me a simple text. Nothing like before. I don’t know what I expected from Jaekyung. Maybe a little change in his demeanor. His girlfriend just left, he should be a little sad about it. But he wasn’t. In fact, he was happier. He planned more outings than we had with Yuri and I turned each of them down. I suddenly felt uncomfortable around him. I couldn’t help but feel like he was the rift between me and Yuri.”

“Last week of school, he held my hand, and not the way you guys hold mine. He laced our fingers and the entire feeling was so wrong. I pulled it away and glared at him, I said it’s wrong to hold someone else’s hand like that behind their girlfriend’s back. He simply shrugged it off. The aura around him was different, I couldn’t stand being around him. The more I tried staying away, the more he stayed around. Eventually I thought I was being stupid. He was my friend, whatever happened with Yuri was our problem, I shouldn’t blame it on him. It’s cruel irony I suppose, that it was that day when he almost kissed me. We were near my locker, it was our last day. I lost it and shoved him hard. I started yelling at him, asking him exactly what the heck he was doing and why. I thought I’d see a little guilt, but instead he came closer and grabbed my wrists. I stopped struggling when he said he liked me. I wasn’t pleased to hear it, just shocked. When he tried kissing me again I slapped him. He was playing with Yuri, he was giving her false hopes, he was basically cheating on her, I told him all that. It pissed me off. He became angry. He told me he never liked Yuri, he only hung out with her ‘cuz of me. At one point tears escaped. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I still remember it clearly; he grabbed me by my shoulders and asked me to be his girlfriend. He said he’d make me happy and that I’ll never have to cry again. I was so angry. I told him that I’ll never accept him. He played with my best friend, he hurt her feelings, I could never be with someone like that. I threatened to tell Yuri. I remember the pain when I banged into the lockers after he pushed me. Rather than being remorseful he threatened me. He said I could do whatever I wanted, and that I’ll regret ever saying no to him. I left. I walked away from him and the last thing I heard him say was that he’ll get back at me. I tried calling Yuri so many times after that, she never picked up. Eventually her number was said to be unavailable.”

Hana had paused after that. Baekhyun moved closer to her left and Kyungsoo to her right. They realized that whatever happened after that was a lot worse than what she had told.

“We-,” her voice had cracked,” my parents took me to Jeju. I didn’t tell my mom what was going on, I didn’t want her to worry. There was a contest; my dad thought it would be a good idea for me to enter. I thought so too. I needed to distract myself and that contest was the best way to do it. I was so happy I won, aunt Junmi had come all the way to Jeju just to see me perform. My dad promised me a present. I remember seeing their car as I stood next to aunt in front of the ice cream shop. The signal became green, the car moved and then-“

“Hana you don’t have to say it.” Kyungsoo had said. Baekhyun shushed her as she cried.

“I lost them, just like that, because a stupid driver was texting while he was driving. They died because of his mistake.” She cried for a few more minutes. Kyungsoo felt his eyes burn and the way Baekhyun had bitten his lips raw showed he was going through the same sentiment.

“My aunt and I came back… I refused to leave the house. I lived with aunt and her family. Luhan and Sehun were always around me. I was thankful. But I- I couldn’t talk. I didn’t feel like talking. They forced me enough that I’d utter a word or two but that’s it. A few weeks after I moved in, things started happening. Aunt and uncle had arguments. They were all because of me. Uncle didn’t want me in the house but aunt said she wouldn’t leave me. One night the argument got out of hand and aunt Junmi took me and came here. I didn’t see Sehun or Luhan after that. Back then I thought it was my entire fault. I stopped talking. I refused to go to school, I didn’t eat much. Aunt started working in our high school and gradually moved up to become our principal. It was in those days when she was struggling at work that I was left home alone. I know she didn’t want to leave me helpless, but she didn’t have another option. A month after school had restarted, I saw Yuri at our door step. I wasn’t sure if she did or didn’t know what happened to my parents. I let her in and we went up to my room. For the first time in a long while I wanted to say something. I wanted to talk to her, to tell her that my parents died, to tell her how much I missed her, how sorry I was, about Jaekyung, everything. Before I could even try she started speaking. First she just asked me why. I didn’t know what she meant. Then she started yelling. Why had I betrayed her, why had I never told her I had feelings for Jaekyung, why he cheated on her with me behind her back. She was wounded, and I was confused. I didn’t know what she was going on about but I couldn’t bring myself to say it, to say anything at all. She wanted answers for questions that shouldn’t even exist. At some point she had me pinned to the wall and she asked me one last time if I had or hadn’t betrayed her. I wanted to say no, I really wanted to. But I couldn’t. Her eyes scared me, I was suddenly afraid of her. I couldn’t bring myself to speak. She took my silence as her answer and left. I didn’t hear from her after that. I don’t know what he told her, but it destroyed our friendship. I detest that guy. He took away the only support I thought I had after my parents.”

“I didn’t attend school. The only reason I did was when aunt Junmi told me she’d arrange special classes where I’d be separate from the student body. I didn’t speak for two years. For two years I went to several therapies, different doctors, nothing changed. Until I met you guys. When aunt told me to join the winter festival, my initial answer would’ve been no. It was a no. But then I came home and thought if I wanted to spend the rest of my life this way. Cooped up and isolated. The idea sounded tempting even then. Then I thought about my aunt and all that she had done for me. I thought this was the least I could do to make her happy.”

Even today, as they walk Hana back home a week after she had told them everything, Kyungsoo still felt pangs when he thought about it. So much had happened to her. They played a bigger role in her recovery than they thought.

“Baekhyun’s right Hana. If Jaekyung is-“

“Can’t we just ignore him?”

Kyungsoo grabbed her left arm and pulled her sleeve. A thick finger shaped bracelet was imprinted on her skin, the scarlet prominent on her white skin.

“We can ignore him but not what he’s doing to you.”

He let go of her arm and she pulled her sleeve down.

“Come on Hana, let us do something about him.” Baekhyun persisted.

“I’ll handle it guys. I’m not the same old Hana remember.”

At this Baekhyun sighed.

“I feel like going up to the Yuri chick and tell her to get her facts right.”

Hana’s eyes widened, “Kyungsoo you wouldn’t.”

“I wouldn’t. I want to though.”

“I’m confused,” Baekhyun spoke, ”does she still not know about your parents? Because that sounds impossible.”

“I don’t know,” Hana sighed,” I think she does but…I don’t know.”

“Want me to go ask?”

Hana turned Baekhyun’s offer down with a glare.

“When do you plan on telling Lay?” Kyungsoo asked as they proceeded towards her house. She shrugged, “Once he’s back from the games. I don’t- I don’t know how to tell him all this…”

“Tell him like you told us.”

“Baekhyun it’s not that simple. It took a lot of effort for me to tell you all this,” she shook her head,” I’ve kept this with me for so long. I haven’t told anyone about this before. You guys don’t know how hard it is.”

“It’s Lay, Hana. He’ll be there for you. Why are you so worried?” Kyungsoo wondered aloud. Hana didn’t speak for a while.

“He’s perfect isn’t he?”

“Huh?” they said in unison.

“Lay. Zhang Yixing. He is the best isn’t he?,” she laughed but without any sense of humor,” he deserves the best too.”

Kyungsoo had a feeling where this was going, “And he did get the best.”

“No. No, he didn’t.”

“Han-“

She cut Baekhyun short, “It’s true. I’m not the best for him. I’m an eighteen year old who has depression and trust issues. I’m malnourished and not entirely emotionally stable and-my own best friend didn’t trust me!”

“Shut up will ya?!” Baekhyun’s mouth was open but it was Kyungsoo who spoke.

“Hana you don’t understand what all that you said makes you. You WERE depressed, you WERE malnourished. The fact that you got out of all that makes you stronger than you think! And please if you were emotionally unstable then you would be bawling your eyes out at the station when Lay left. Just because your so called best friend trusted a douche instead of you doesn’t say anything about you. It says a lot about her but nothing about you!”

“But-“

“No. Shut up and listen to him,” Baekhyun glared,” Kyungsoo, proceed.”

The said boy blinked, “But I’m done.”

“Seriously?” Baekhyun huffed and made Hana face him. “What are you even afraid of Hanster?”

Hana bit her lip, “I’m afraid he’ll leave me. He’ll realize I’m not what he thinks I ‘am and leave me.”

Baekhyun exchanged glances with Kyungsoo. Is this honestly what she was worried about?

“Hana, look here.” Kyungsoo placed a hand on her shoulder. “You may have been broken, but you fixed yourself.  I don’t know what you think you are, but I’ll tell you what we think you are. We think you’re a brave, brave girl. You didn’t let your illness crush you.”

“Depression is a lot more dangerous than you think Hana,” Baekhyun chipped in, “and the fact that you pulled yourself out of it makes you one hell of a survivor. And as for Lay, we’ve been with him our entire lives, he isn’t that type of a person.”

“Yeah. Ask yourself Hana, do you see him leaving you for something like this?” She considered Kyungsoo’s question. No, she didn’t. Lay wasn’t like that, she knew it. But she couldn’t help but think…

“I think you know the answer to that.” Baekhyun spoke.

She did.

-