+++      

Luhan’s mother greeted her with a friendly hug at the door when she walked in next afternoon. Her son was seated on the couch watching some cartoon on TV when Namjoo spotted him. With a yelp he jumped down and charged at her.

Complete warmth filled her up when his tiny hands ran around her. Hugging him tightly she rocked him back and forth in her arms grateful for his existence. Ki Hoon was her meaning, he was a gift she’d treasure forever.

“Mommy miss me?” Ki Hoon asked when he pulled back then threw his arms up in the air. “I saw big fish!”

“You did?” Namjoo asked mesmerized by his cuteness and ran her fingers up his face. “You were a good boy, right?”

“He was really good,” Luhan’s mother smiled dotingly on her son. “He’s such a lovely boy. Come on back, I made dinner.”

Luhan was running a bit late from work so they started dinner without him. While Namjoo sat at the table with a smile on her face she subconsciously had to wonder if this atmosphere suited her.

“Here, have this. My mother packed this meat for me. It’s good for a woman’s body,” Luhan’s mother placed some onto her plate.

Namjoo smiled in return then slowly chewed on her food.

They were good to her. Since the news that she and Luhan had started seeing each other she could feel it around them that they were patiently waiting for good news. The bottom of her heart plunged down into the very depths of her stomach when she thought about the false alarm the other day. If it had turned out she was pregnant, how overjoyed they’d be.

The relentless smiles and laughter she would hear from them would be endless. Everything under this household was breathtakingly joyous.

It was…great.

But she wasn’t pregnant. And now she was having second thoughts about everything, because no matter where she tried to start over; Sehun was there. He was there because she let him be there and because she couldn’t let go of him.

What was she going to do?

Her head shot up when the front door opened and Ki Hoon swung around in his seat at the sound of footsteps. She saw how his face brightened up and how he had to slowly climb down from his chair before lunging at his beloved Han Han. It tore Namjoo’s heart up at how much affection Ki Hoon had for this man, who wasn’t his father.

“Han Han!” Ki Hoon shrieked happily.

Sighting him, Luhan crouched down with arms wide open and carried her son up; spinning him around sligihtly before hugging him. They loved each other. Namjoo could see it from the way they held each other almost as if to say no one could break into their world.

“What’s this? You started before me?” Luhan asked walking over and sat down in Ki Hoon’s empty seat beside her.

Ki Hoon held his hands together as he sat on Luhan’s lap and barely looked at her. Her son was so into Luhan.

“What’s this? You were eating this?” Luhan spoke childishly into Ki Hoon’s ear, poking his spoon against Ki Hoon’s grown up food.

Her son smiled shyly and remained in utmost silence as Luhan leaned over his shoulder to .

“You’re a big boy now!” Luhan cooed.

Ki Hoon continued smiling shyly before shouting loudly, “I big boy!”

His mother laughed along with them and Namjoo continued watching with a small smile on her lips. Part of her worried that if she took this kind of life away from Ki Hoon, what would happen to him? Would he be happy at all?

It made her scared.

Should she do what was best for her son? Or should she care about herself?

“I didn’t hear you talk earlier,” Luhan walked up behind her and she felt his arms glide around her waist. “You tired from work?”

Namjoo’s soapy hands froze and she stared at the running water as Luhan leaned his head against her shoulder. When she gave no reply he lifted his head up to look at her.

“Something wrong?” He worried.

Namjoo angled her face away, “No. Nothing.”

Luhan frowned before straightening up behind her. She could instantly feel him running his eyes over her observantly. In the end, he said nothing, but gave her a quick peck.

“I’ll give you a ride home after this,” he offered.

When he backed away Namjoo’s mind raced.

“Luhan,” she spun around.

He turned around expectantly and she saw in his face how he was waiting for her to do something. The devil on her shoulder told her not to say anything and accept things as is if she didn’t want to start hurting him for her own gain. On her other shoulder, the angel was nowhere to be found as if hinting she was creating her own consequences and only she could make the moves.

“It’s ok. You must be tired. Ki Hoon and I will grab a cab home.”

The expectant expression on his face slowly filtered away.

“Why? You don’t need to waste money on that.”

“No, just…” Namjoo felt her eyes waver away before she forced them back onto his face, “rest today.”

Luhan stared back at her suspiciously as if he could feel that she wasn’t saying something she wanted to say. Namjoo was afraid Luhan knew. All these years she spent with him would have given him some understanding of her. He would know how to read her mind and her face without saying anything at all.

She was afraid.

“Ok,” his face softened up before he walked toward her again.

Namjoo couldn’t dodge as he placed his hand on the side of her face and smiled into her eyes. She was overwhelmed by a gut wrenching sadness when he slowly leaned his face into her hair as he hugged her.

“Where we going?” Ki Hoon asked after Namjoo slipped his other shoe onto his feet.

“We’re going home.”

“Why?” He innocently asked without mere understanding. “Home here.”

Namjoo lifted her head up to look at her son before looking away.

“This isn’t our house, Ki Hoon.”

“Why?” He sounded lost and innocent. “I like here. Here is house. Home.”

Namjoo stood up and adjusted the bag of clothes over her shoulder.

“We’ll be going now,” Namjoo told. “Thank you for taking care of him.”

“Come back tomorrow. Oh I’m going to miss him,” Luhan’s mother whined before bending down to give her son a hug. “You be a good boy and listen to your mother.”

When she released him he tilted his head back to look up at Luhan for help. Namjoo could feel it that he was going to beg to stay, so she immediately pulled him back.

“Thanks for dinner, we’re going now.” She turned to open the door, but Ki Hoon stomped his feet against the floor in opposition.

“No! No!” He shouted. “I want Han Han! No go. Please!”

Namjoo’s brows deepened and noticing, Luhan crouched down to take Ki Hoon’s arms.

“Listen to mommy, ok? I’ll come see you tomorrow, I promise,” Luhan coaxed with his gentle voice.

Ki Hoon trained his eyes on the floor so that their eyes wouldn’t meet and he wouldn’t have to answer Luhan.

“Hoon-ah,” Luhan tried again, “you have to listen to mommy. You don’t want to see mommy sad, do you?”

Ki Hoon’s cheeks drooped before he reached his hand out to grab Luhan’s arm, “Come?”

Luhan smiled endearingly, “Tomorrow. I promise. You have to go with mommy now. She missed you a lot, you know?”

Ki Hoon naively took more steps than needed to hug Luhan and again Namjoo felt locked out of their intimacy.

As usual Namjoo carried Ki Hoon up the steep street to their house. The whole way there, Ki Hoon didn’t say a word. She worried about the resentment he might be carrying toward her in his heart. How could a few words from Luhan make him listen so well?

Ki Hoon walked off after she set him down.

“Ki Hoon,” Namjoo called after closing the door.

He rushed back toward her, his small feet thudding against the floor with his hands clasped. Namjoo glanced at his tiny fist before she bent down and waited for him to show her what he had. The hair clip Luhan had had Ki Hoon give her a while back sat in his palm. A sting penetrated her heart and spread through her whole chest.

“Ki Hoon-ah…”

“Mommy like Han Han,” Ki Hoon said. “I like Han Han, mommy like Han Han. Han Han home, my home.”

It wasn’t hard to understand him. He was asking for her to return Luhan’s feelings so that they could go live with their savior.

“Daddy,” Ki Hoon naively told, “Han Han my daddy.”

He grabbed her lower arm and stared right into her eyes so that Namjoo could almost see herself in his clear eyes.    

“Mommy and daddy,” Ki Hoon said. “Be with Han Han.”

Namjoo her breath back as her heart quivered. What was this?

“Ki Hoon-ah,” Namjoo tried again, “Han Han isn’t your daddy.”

Ki Hoon stared at her with a poker face before his face crunched up and he cried loudly. The huge tears rolled down his tiny face and Namjoo tried to take his hand, but he pulled back.

“No!” He sobbed. “My daddy! I want Han Han! I want Han Han!”

“Ki Hoon-ah,” Namjoo tried to grab his hand again, but he dropped the hair clip onto the floor and dropped down, hiding his face into his arms as he cried.

“Han Han! My daddy! Han Han!” His muffled screams pierced her heart the more she listened.

Distressed Namjoo turned away to convince the tears to return to their place. After a deep breath she turned back to pull her bawling son up. Ki Hoon slightly struggled against her, but she won out in the end.

Setting him on her lap she placed his head against her shoulder and hugged him.

“I’m sorry,” Namjoo apologized. “Mommy’s sorry, Ki Hoon.”

Ki Hoon wept for quite some time in her arms until he fell asleep and Namjoo decided not to get up from where she was. When she grew old she wanted Ki Hoon to be the person she could come back to. She wanted him to be there for her; to give her supporting arms and a home to be in. She wanted to be Ki Hoon’s source of support and strength as he grew up, but she didn’t know what was happening now.

She had been sure she’d loved him right; showering him with a happy atmosphere and love, but was that really the case? What was she going to do if she couldn’t keep her source of strength optimistic and healthy?

Namjoo turned at the ringing of her phone, but turned away from it. She lacked the strength to pick it up. It was that other person or her only Ki Hoon, and she thought she only needed one man in her life; her son.

+++

Sehun turned away from the window and placed the phone down beside him. He wanted to call Namjoo and talk about tomorrow, which could be their today. He wanted to take her on another date, but this time with Ki Hoon. Since Ki Hoon was afraid of the amusement park he might not be afraid of animals at the zoo.

Just imagining the awe on his son’s face once he looked at the animals four times his size made Sehun’s heart flutter a bit. He wanted to see the excitement on Ki Hoon’s face, but Namjoo wasn’t answering her phone. Sehun thought he’d stop by tomorrow morning to talk to her about it.

He felt that the date they’d had had garnered some positive emotions between them. He could only take advantage of it before it was too late. Now was probably his only time and with Hayoung at his back he felt a bit more confident.

As if in a race he woke up before the sun reached its in the sky, took a shower, and chose a clean outfit. Though he was no longer a student he still felt the requirement to look nice for Namjoo. Maybe he could bring those butterflies back into her stomach if he groomed himself well.

“Where are you going?” His mother caught him when he stepped out of his bedroom.

Since Hayoung’s disappearance from the engagement there had been talk about skipping over to the wedding since getting engaged wasn’t much of a difference anyway. Their parents were still in the talks and Sehun hadn’t been notified of any concluded decisions, so he didn’t take it as time to be alarmed just yet. However, though; everyone was keeping a strict watch on the two of them. If Hayoung had left the engagement it might be his turn to disappear next.

“I’m going to see Hayoung.”

His mother frowned at him before walking over to the nearest window and peered outside to see Hayoung’s car outside.

Hayoung, too, had been well watched. She’d told him last night that the maids had followed her everywhere and even made sure she arrived at work instead of somewhere else. If they ruined this, he might never see Namjoo ever again.

His mother turned to observe him. As she did so he could see all the doubt in her eyes of distrust. Remaining confident he silently waited for her approval so as not to lose it in the near future.

“Alright then,” his mother sounded a bit kinder, “go have fun.”

Sehun smiled before turning around to head down the stairs with the thoughts of how much he missed Namjoo.

“Finally out,” Hayoung greeted.

“My mom was keeping watch,” Sehun told getting into the car.

Hayoung pressed her lips together before starting the engine, “To the usual?”

He nodded.

+++

Namjoo watched Ki Hoon hold onto Luhan’s legs before asking to sit on his lap. After Luhan pulled Ki Hoon up Namjoo turned around to stare at the stove. Since last night her mind had been kind of empty and the hole in her chest had become a bit bigger.

She realized that she needed a direction, something to show her the way. As a mother it was hardly possible to think of just herself.

“What are you doing? Come eat with us,” Luhan called out.

“Uh…yea…” Namjoo answered before reaching for the pan, but missed the tiny grip and burned herself by grabbing the heated handle.

The pan clattered to the ground noisily and Luhan shot up from his seat after setting Ki Hoon down.

“Are you ok!?” He asked loudly and grabbed her hand.

His face scrunched up into pain when he saw the reddish pink color of the burn and grabbed a towel to place over her hand before picking the pan up.

“You should’ve been more careful,” his concern was apparent in his voice and Namjoo remembered why she’d gone to him in the first place. He gave her warmth and comfort through his voice and actions when no one else had given it to her. He did it without cost or expecting anything in return and even now he was still here for her when she couldn’t see him in the same light.

Was he the arrow showing her the way?

Namjoo’s body slightly swayed before she looked down to see Ki Hoon hugging both her and Luhan’s legs.

“Mommy,” Ki Hoon’s voice was muffled, “daddy.”

***The next tide has started, Ki Hoon who wants Luhan to be his father. Ki Hoon wants a family like how Sehun wants his family. 

***Remember how Namjoo & Sehun's conversation about how a parent only want what's best for their child? Sehun said he'd want the best for his son as a father, but Namjoo is struggling through the reality of that. Ki Hoon is choosing what is best for him; Luhan. Namjoo knows what she wants, but Ki Hoon is leaving her in a bind. She has to be considerate of him; he's her son after all. She's going to have to live under one roof with the man whose to be Ki Hoon's father for the rest of her life, but can she really spend the rest of her life with Luhan?

***A family date next chapter and the return of Sehun's mother! Umf!