Unable to continue looking at her for the fear that he might want more than he could bargain for, he turned away.

In this kind of drowsy atmosphere he and Namjoo would rotate dishes for the fun of it. The restaurant was full and people talked in quiet mumbles so as not to disturb their neighbors. Sehun had been in this kind of place with Hayoung when he first started seeing her, then they slowed down and rarely ate out, but at the coffee shop.

In this kind of atmosphere, he wanted to sit beside Namjoo. And while talking he’d slip an arm around her. Even if he sat beside her now he wasn’t permitted to do the same, so he slunk down into the chair across from her.

In this kind of atmosphere he couldn’t release the tension in his muscles as he had at the amusement park. There was no joy to fulfill, but a gap that extended more and more between them. He couldn’t grab her hand and feel her squeeze it back in return.

No, it wasn’t like that at all.

Sehun was happy, but he didn’t know what to say to keep preserving it. If he messed up, he would no longer be happy. He didn’t want to unhappy.

With Namjoo in front of him it felt like a bandage was slowly wrapping his heart up and soon he would heal.  

“Is your dish good?” Sehun asked.

“It’s ok.”

And he was glad that even so, she replied.

“Can I try?”

The lone light bulb overhead dimly shone a spotlight over them as if telling them now was their time and it belonged to only them. Talk more, it seemed to say, look at each other more; now’s your chance.

With his back straight he looked over at her easily mesmerized by the way her short hair curled under her chin and over her shoulders. Were they still soft to the touch? Had she switched her shampoo brand? Would her hair smell different now?

“It’s spicy,” Namjoo told, “you don’t like spicy food.”

And he remembered the time he’d eaten the spicy dish she’d made one evening. Afraid to hurt her feelings and to keep his pride because Namjoo loved spicy food, he ate her dish. Sehun had wanted to meet her standards; be like her so that Namjoo might see him the same way. Afterward he ended up sweating as if he were in a sauna and the pain stabbed his insides until he had to curl up shamelessly on the floor. He remembered the embarrassment experienced then, but Namjoo had apologized furiously.

She had taken care of him, given him medicine, and wrapped him up in a blanket. Namjoo had taken care of him so well.

Sehun managed a tiny smile overjoyed that Namjoo remembered.

“That’s right,” he said, “I don’t like spicy food.”

He caught her looking at him for a split second with a very small smile before her eyes fell back to her dish. Sehun wondered if she had recalled the same memory.

When they walked out of the restaurant Sehun knew the day had ended for him. There was nothing to regret. He did what he was capable of. He was happy today was his day.

Namjoo didn’t talk much on the drive much. He didn’t expect much talk from her. It was ok too since she’d given her time to him.

“You don’t have to walk me up,” Namjoo told when he parked the car.

“I should at least walk you home,” Sehun said and unbuckled his seatbelt before getting out.

The walk up was slow and he thought they walked slow for a reason. For the rest of the time he had left, he wanted to prolong. After this he really didn’t know what would happen.

Their steps matched and their hands swayed in unison. From the corner of his eye he saw that Namjoo wasn’t looking forward, but down. And he wanted her to miss him after this.

The gentle glow in his heart slowly ceased when Namjoo paused in front of the door and turned around. Pulling a firm smile on he held his hand out and waited for her to take it. There was a long pause between them as the earth opened up and the sun went down in his world. There would be another gap and another long extended path winding for them. Whatever happened next would meet them with surprise and ache. Sehun could feel it in the very depth of his heart that he would be sad longer and longer.

The warmth of her hand clenched his skin when her fingers folded over his skin so lightly as if he were a flower she was holding. He waited for her to slowly lift her eyes up to meet his.

“Thank you,” Sehun sincerely thanked slowly hurting again.

The bandage he’d felt earlier was becoming undone. His heart was sore again.

“For coming out with me,” he continued, “you made my day.”

Namjoo nodded quietly again without word and he really hoped she was hurting too.

It took him a long time before finally saying, “Bye.”

“Bye,” she bid farewell very quietly.

Sehun wish he didn’t have to, so he pulled his hand back ever so slowly that her touch would last longer than usual. As her fingers skimmed off he wanted to hold it again.

A cloud zoomed in over him and drenched in sadness he shot her a tiny smile hard to summon before finally pivoting to walk away.

+++

Closing the door after her Namjoo felt her eyes roam themselves over her small home feeling as empty as ever. She was so empty inside that the hard weight on her chest couldn’t leave. She hadn’t felt so tortured by such emptiness in such a long time. Namjoo almost wanted to forfeit and sob.

She knew; she knew very well from the start that it would come to this. From the moment she knew it was Sehun at the door to the moment in the restaurant, she knew she’d plunged a nail into her wooden heart.

It was painful and it hurt.

Namjoo missed him even when she was beside him. If her eyes swam away for a point second she’d yearn to see him. And she missed him so much right now.

Her fingers moved by themselves before she turned to open the door in hopes that Sehun might still be outside.

He wasn’t there.

Staring into the street Namjoo felt the tears arise. She should have invited him in for a cup of water. She should have talked more with him, but she was nervous and afraid. Namjoo still couldn’t trust the path she was walking on or where her emotions were carrying her. What if she messed up and those around her got seriously hurt?

Namjoo…wanted Sehun, but she couldn’t trust the things around him. She would get hurt and Ki Hoon would get hurt too. Luhan and his parents were feel an impact in return as well. Namjoo didn’t want to risk it. It was too much for her. She’d long betrayed Sehun anyway, so did it really matter?

Forcing her arm out she closed the door.

It wasn’t until late in the evening when she heard her phone ringing.

It was Luhan.

She stared at his name on the screen before sighting the icons at the top of the screen telling her she had messages and missed calls. Without asking she knew she should be guilty. Pulling herself to sit up in bed she answered.

“You finally answered,” Luhan greeted, “were you sleeping? I called earlier; you didn’t pick up.”

The mention of it brought her to the very short date with Sehun.  

“I was…caught up in some things,” Namjoo lied.

“Ah…is that so?” Luhan innocently asked. “My parents returned; they miss you. They were asking why you weren’t here with me waiting for them.”

Namjoo smiled, partially guilty and apologetic.

“Hoon is sleeping,” Luhan told.

“He must’ve had fun,” Namjoo commented. “Everything’s fun at that age.”

“They brought back pictures,” Luhan excitedly explained, “my grandparents gave Hoon a hanbok. He can wear it at family gatherings now.”

The way Luhan mentioned ‘family’ pricked Namjoo’s chest. She didn’t really have family and that made Ki Hoon without family either. Luhan’s mention of family meant his family. His family could be her family if only she joined his family.

Marriage…was still a hard question for her.

It was a serious matter she had never contemplated realistically. During days with Sehun she hadn’t thought about it either. Now that Luhan was indirectly talking about it again Namjoo knew she ought to be thinking about it more.

Ki Hoon should have a father. She wanted Ki Hoon to have a father, but Ki Hoon only knew one person to be his father. He didn’t know his real father…

It left her to prod on about whether to tell him who his real dad was, but how would Ki Hoon react? Would he cry and be upset that his real father wasn’t his loveable Han Han?

Namjoo felt her heart tear when she heard Ki Hoon telling her how much he liked Han Han inside her head. She saw all the times Ki Hoon lunged toward Luhan so that he could be picked up or talked to. She saw Ki Hoon asleep in Luhan’s arms. Then she saw Ki Hoon throwing a tantrum for Luhan in the hospital and she saw Ki Hoon crying because he thought she was angry and didn’t want him. Namjoo wanted to cry because she knew Ki Hoon loved Luhan too much.

“Sehun would die to hear Ki Hoon call him ‘daddy.’ Just imagine it; how happy he’d be.”

It was impossible to forget that Sehun wanted to be with his son. What was the right thing to do?

“Namjoo?” Luhan’s voice traveled through the receiver into her ear. “Are you ok?”

“Oh…yea, I’m fine,” Namjoo placed a hand on the back of her neck.

“You must be tired,” Luhan sympathized. “I thought I told you to rest. What did you do earlier?”

“Nothing,” Namjoo lied. “Is Ki Hoon sleeping with you?”

“Yes,” Luhan replied, “he’s right here with me.”

“I like Han Han!”

“Did he say anything about me?” Namjoo curiously asked.

Did Ki Hoon love Luhan more than her? What kind of things did Ki Hoon think about inside that little head of his?

“Mmm…” Luhan sounded. “He asked where you were. He misses you.”

“You think so?”

“I know so,” Luhan assured, “he’s still little, of course he’ll miss you.”

There was a moment of silence before Luhan called for her again.

“I miss you,” he told.

Her eyes fell flat on the blanket. No reply came from her and she knew well he was waiting for her to tell him the same. Namjoo had to wonder then what it was that she was doing. Was she really trying to sort out her definition of what love was? Was she moving on at all? Or was Luhan just a shield?

“Namjoo, are you asleep?” He asked.

Namjoo felt her heart hurt for Luhan and she wondered why she was so confused. At the beginning she was so sure she was ready to be with him. Why was it like this now?

“Goodnight,” Luhan said and she could hear him smiling almost. “I love you.”

When he hung up she pulled the phone away from her ear, a kind of taunting pain creeping up on her.

What exactly was she doing?

Pulling her knees up to her chest she hugged herself, digging her face into her arms.

+++

Hayoung was sitting on a bench in the park when Sehun pulled up. She looked up when she noticed him and stood. Getting out of the car Sehun walked around the car and leaned against it as she neared.

“Thank you,” Sehun held the keys out to her and dropped them into her hand. “I owe you.”

Hayoung smiled, “You don’t.”

He raised a brow.

“You don’t owe me anything,” Hayoung turned to lean against the car too.

Tilting her head up she stared into the darkening sky.

“I realize we are either one or two,” she began, “we’re either a slave to our duties or a slave to our emotions. Next in line, we become ignorant. It’s not your fault, neither is it my fault. So you don’t owe me anything.”

Sehun had to take a minute to sink her words in.

“You’re a slave to your emotions,” Hayoung said. “You love her and you just keep on love her even more. Your duty was the engagement, but that doesn’t suit you.”

Hayoung pressed her lips into a broad smile as her eyes played off the ground and her hair swiveled over her shoulder. How much time had she spent thinking this?

“Did you have fun?” Hayoung asked. “How was your date?”

“I enjoyed it. I think she did too.”

Sehun blinked ever so calmly as she stared at the green yard extending beyond his view. He couldn’t see anyone or anything.

“You’re right,” he told, “I think she still loves me too. There wasn’t a time I gave up on her. I suddenly thought something else today. When I look at her, I can see that she’s scared of something. Even though right now I hope she’s missing me just as I miss her, still, if we were meant to be, wouldn’t I have found her when I searched for her?”

Hayoung turned to look up at him and Sehun felt himself smile bitterly.

“Go.”

The smile wiped itself off his face.

“Go then,” Hayoung urged. “You’re just as scared. If she won’t make the first move and you won’t either; what was today for? Why did you come back?”

Pressing his lips together he remained in solemn silence.

“Today could be tomorrow too. The day after the next is also called today,” Hayoung said. “Say you can have her today and when tomorrow comes, have her today again.”

Her eyes calmly sat on him with much hope.

“Why?” Sehun wondered then turned to look at her. “Why are you doing this? My being with Namjoo won’t do anything for you.”

Hayoung turned away again and slunk down against the car a little. Sehun listened to the wind churn by before another slow smile cradled her face.

“You said before,” she started, “that you, like your mother, would wish the best for your son what you think is best for him. It’s not wrong; it’s definitely something natural for a parent to want for his child.

“Sehun, I don’t care about money either. I wanted normal friends, but I never had them. I spent a childhood having real tea parties with other daughters of foundations. I didn’t have play tea cups or a teddy bear on my lap. I couldn’t play dress up because I was dressed up a new dress everyday anyway. I’m the only daughter.”

Hayoung looked pitifully sad and Sehun felt his heart go out to her. He grew up lonely as well. Every day he was he had to be groomed and well-dressed even at school. There was no freedom in deciding neither what he wanted nor what style he best liked. Sehun was given everything without opinion. There was no playmate anyone to trust or talk to.

He knew her loneliness. He knew exactly where she was coming from.

It was cruel.

“If you’re not my one person, you’re at least my friend. And I want you to be happy. I can definitely see what’s best for you. I know I’m powerless, so all I can do is cheer you on from the sidelines. Your wish for your son is just like my wish for you because you’re my only friend.”

His heart warmed up. He never knew she thought about it like this. He never knew…

A smile brightened his face up.

“I’ll help you get out tomorrow again,” Hayoung told. “I’m gonna go now.”

“Wait,” he called, “are you going to be ok?”

“My parents won’t hurt me,” Hayoung assured then gave him a smile, “I’ll see you.”

She turned around again, but he reached for her arm to twist her around.

“Thank you,” he said, “really, thank you.” He smiled, “I’m really happy today. Thanks for that.”

Hayoung offered him a smile and he watched her drive off unaware that as she drove home she would cry out a mixture of pain and happiness. 

***Feels, all the feels ;A; ugh..my heart /clenches onto it

***Hayoung is so brave here, despite her still suffering from heartbreak. It takes a lot to accept Sehun as a friend even after his rejection and not realizing her feelings. She has a really big heart. I have to say she's got to be my wisest character in this story. All she's doing though is for Sehun. She lacks power to take direct action, but she's already making a difference from the sidelines. Although the wrath of Sehun's mother will soon return to ruin everything

***Next is Namjoo and Ki Hoon. If Namjoo reveals to him the identity of who is father really is, will Ki Hoon accept Sehun who he barely knows and is scared of? And it's almost time for Luhan's heartbreak. I dread writing it cause thinking about it makes me sad ;A; 

***A/N: I will be in the hospital later at night and the next day. We'll see if I can squeeze some updates in between here and there. If you can, please send some prayers to keep my mother safe and that the surgery will go well. Also, do pray for Leeteuk and his family. It's heartbreaking ;A;