+++

Swirling his glass in rounds and rounds Sehun bitterly smiled to himself. A band was playing live music behind him; the atmosphere was lively and cheerful. In his own dark space at the counter he was caught in a web of desolation.

He couldn’t be happy. He could never be happy.

Nothing was right. Nothing had ever been right.

Why him?

There was no answer.

Sehun was upset with everything. It felt like the whole world was out to get him. The cry for all this darkness to shut itself out from his world seemed useless as it just kept coming. Every time he thought of reuniting Namjoo he saw tears and jarful of smiles. They would hug each other and she’d tell him how much she missed him. She’d apologize for everything and promise never to leave again. Then he’d enjoy the warmth of her arms and the future dreams she gave him.

Reality was so ugly. No matter how far and wide he searched for those dreams, they were already buried in a grave six feet under. Retrieving them was as impossible as breathing without a gas mask in space.

If Namjoo could just put a smile on her face when she saw him he’d be happy. She could only look at him like she was afraid of him and as if she was already over him. Why…how could it have been easy for her to forget him? How could it even be possible?

Sehun let out a low mumble before he leaned forward to dig his face into his palm. He was having a bad headache, but he couldn’t stop drowning himself. Just for a part of his night he really wanted his heart to stop aching so helplessly.

+++

Hayoung waved to the car that had almost crashed into her in apology before getting blinded by the headlights of the car impatiently waiting for her to get off the road. Spotting the bar too late and getting off the cab in the middle of the street hadn’t been the smartest move.

Pulling a strand of her hair back behind her ear she glanced around to see a few youngsters smoking outside before making her way inside. A sleepy kind of music sounded overhead as she slowly made her way down the stairs.

There were pictures of the bar owner and some special customers hanging on the wall. The bar itself was with a calm atmosphere lit up in dim blue lights. It didn’t take her long to spot Sehun knocked out and crouched over onto the counter.

“You his girlfriend?” The bartender who had a thick beard questioned. “Sorry for the late night call, but he’s been like this for too long. It’s gonna get in the way of business, you know?”

Hayoung managed a smile and nodded in apology.

Along with the help of another bartender she found Sehun’s car parked amongst the others in the street and managed to put him into the back. After thanking her helper she took to the driver’s seat and slowly started off into the street. Every so often when she glanced into the rearview mirror in order to glance back she found herself thinking about how much of a different person he was. Unlike the polite man she’d known, Sehun was someone who acted on emotions; far different from what she knew him to be.

She wondered then if he found his answer that day or not.

Sehun was still in the depths of his black dreams when she stopped the car in the underground garage of his apartment complex. Turning the engine off she twisted in her seat to glance back, deciding what else to do with him. Feeling bad if she left him there for the night she stepped out and opened the passenger door.

His arm had dropped off the seat and he looked uncomfortable from having been squeezed back there.

“Sehun,” she called linking her arms through his and tried to pull him up. “Get up. You can’t stay here. Sehun.”

Sehun made confused noises, unable to open his eyes and reached his hand up blindly to grab her shoulder. A smile appeared on his face making him look almost joyful before it stilled and broke out into despairing pain. A kind of cry squeezed through his throat and he turned to bury his face in her hair.

“Namjoo-ah,” he cried, “Namjoo. Why are you finally here? I miss you. Namjoo-ah…”

The hands underneath his arms loosened and Hayoung could only take a deep breath to withhold her tears of sympathy for him. His cries were helpless calls for help that sold all of his emotions out. It was a horrible thing to listen to. They weren’t like thunder spiraling through the air on a spring night; they were in between lightning flashes and the daisies trying to squirt through the grass. Weak but with heavy memories brushing his shoulders while shadows reflected all that was around him.

As she felt his tears pour into her hair and listened to his silly sobs Hayoung felt her heart break in so many ways.  

She had first known Sehun as a quiet man who liked long walks in silence. He enjoyed small talk over coffee and would put on a smile if it made the other party happier. He was the kind of person who would wave to a dog while jogging by and would fall asleep while having a picnic. He was the person who would be caught sitting alone amongst a crowded restaurant enjoying a simple meal with coffee on the side, but still finding peace.

Sehun had never looked at all sad to her, but to realize that he had so much hidden inside the depths of his heart hurt her.

Why couldn’t he talk about anything? Why was he hiding so much?

Why couldn’t he be happy?

Hayoung wished he could be happy just once…

For a long time she remained in her uncomfortable crouched position as he cried the night away.

+++

Having let go with the promise of a better future Namjoo found herself enveloped in his arms, rising up to follow him, and pressing herself into him. The way his lips met and puckered against her shoulder line infiltrated heat over the cold in her heart.

She felt wrapped in a blanket; choosing the path to escape from the path that allowed her home. She was safe, she was loved, and it was warm. Luhan wouldn’t hurt her. His family was good to her and Ki Hoon and only he would grow up well with all the love they gave him.

Namjoo felt his kisses rove up her neck toward her jawline; each peck packed with soft feelings of determined love. Closing her eyes to breathe him in she wondered if this was the happiness she’d been seeking.

At the end she couldn’t see anyone waiting for her again. Who would curb her road and bring her home?

A kind of sadness plundered her heart and refused to be driven out by the warmth given to her. In an act to save herself she hugged him tighter and forced her mind blank while her body overcame with destructive desire. She felt her head twist to meet with his kisses and tucked his jawline into her hand to savor the taste of his lips.

Their bodies colluded together, reverberating against each other every so often that she would have to tighten her legs around his waist. When his hands grasped for her waist to feel her down, their lips broke free; her body requiring time to sink in the after effect of the touches. She met with his eyes when her back touched the mattress again and felt their bellies rub before their chests as he leaned over. The heat of his body sunk into her upon the immediate touches. Moving her hands over his smooth shoulders she touched his face, smiling at the calm she found there.

For what felt like a long moment they gazed into each other’s eyes quietly until he leaned down again to kiss her slowly. Her legs tensed up around him before her body upped into him as she brought her arms around his back.

That night was the first one engrossed in someone else other than who she used to know as Sehun.

Namjoo awoke hours later in the dark of the night and realized seconds later that the rain had died out. Nothingness and silence ate her up leaving her with nothing to ponder about and it was almost scary that there was nothing on her mind at all.

She could feel the hands at her back and Luhan’s head tucked by her chest. His patterned breathing softly bounced off her skin, allowed it to cool for a few seconds before the warmth of his breath touched her again. He was like a life sized baby she could wrap her two arms around and embrace. His hair bristled against her fingertips and she amazed herself with how soft they were.  

Feeling stiff she shifted her leg only to wake him up from his late night slumber. Shifting he craned his head back to kiss the spot underneath her chin.

“Sleep well?” He skidded up the bed so that he could look at her.

Pulling a smile onto her face and snaking her hand over the side of her face she nodded.

“Me too,” he replied back with a smile.

Namjoo moved forward hesitantly before kissing him and breathlessly smiled before kissing him again. As their kisses deepened his arms tightened around her pulling her closer. They giggled when he pulled the blanket over them as if their intimacy was a secret from the night.

“Mommy!” Ki Hoon slipped off the couch and jumped toward her when they walked in through the door.

Hugging her legs he asked, “Where you go? I missed you!”

Bending down to hug him Namjoo moved back to press his cheeks into her palms, “Mommy missed you too.” Squeezing his chubby cheeks between her hands she asked, “Do you feel better?”

“I better!”

Pressing her hand against his forehead she smiled, “Ki Hoon’s almost better.”

Lifting him up into her arms she playfully pinched his belly and exclaimed, “You’re so heavy! What did you eat yesterday to make you so heavy?”

Ki Hoon giggled into her ears leaning against her shoulder and sighting Luhan’s father offered a smile in greeting.

“You two are finally back! I made some sweets, come have some,” Luhan’s mother poked her head out of the kitchen.

Ki Hoon laughed again, squealing and jumping in her arms when Luhan tickled his chin from behind.

“We’ll be there mom,” he called out.

Namjoo felt him place a hand at her back and turned to look at him.

“You’re staying for the night, aren’t you? You’re not supposed to leave until Ki Hoon is completely better.”

“What are you suggesting?” Namjoo frowned at him only to have him flick her forehead.

“Come on, lets go eat,” he urged.

Namjoo watched him walk off before turning to look at Ki Hoon who had steadfastly locked his arms around her neck.

“We live with Han Han, mommy?” Ki Hoon asked. “I like here. I like Han Han. Mommy happy here.”

Patting his back Namjoo nodded, “I know.”

“I walk, mommy,” Ki Hoon said and she carefully set him down to watch him run toward the kitchen for treats.

As she watched him go she felt engulfed by nostalgia. Ki Hoon was happier here than he was elsewhere. Knowing that gave her a peace of mind, but it was also because Ki Hoon didn’t know anyone else. She had so few people in her life that she didn’t want Ki Hoon to grow up close minded. She wanted him to be outgoing and open to others.

What she most didn’t want was for her son to grow up in ways similar to her. She wanted Ki Hoon to have a father, and she knew that he wanted Luhan because he didn’t know of Sehun. Namjoo knew it would cost her if she let Luhan take Sehun’s place; if she let Luhan become the father without ever telling her son of his real dad.

If she let Sehun into Ki Hoon’s life, what would happen then? If others found out, Ki Hoon would have a hard time. She was afraid Ki Hoon would get injured if he knew of the things she would have to go through then. Ki Hoon was a sensitive child much like Sehun, but he had sharp senses like her. He knew when she was having a hard time and would be silently sad about it. The struggle…was it worth it?

Namjoo didn’t want Ki Hoon to be sad if Sehun was brought into their lives. For that reason she much favored Luhan. The environment he offered them was welcoming and full of love and generosity, Ki Hoon would learn a lot from them. But she’d still feel guilty for keeping Sehun out of everything.

“I thought you were coming,” Luhan walked toward her and wrapped an arm around her waist.

Her body inclined toward him before she quickly glanced around to see that no one was in the room.

“What if your parents walk in?” She questioned in a low whisper, pulling away.

He made a face at her before taking her hand, “This should be alright then, right?”

Namjoo glanced at their entwined hands and looked back up at him before rolling her eyes. She allowed him to pull her along all the while her eyes locked onto his back.

Luhan was a great person. His conditions favored her and Ki Hoon. Plus, her son liked him so much. What he and his family did for her was something she’ll never be able to repay. He was such a kind and loving man.

What was left was for her to decide what she wanted.

+++

There was a headache pounding inside his head when his phone buzzed on and off several times. He felt crammed, short of space, and the air was stuffy. Nauseous, he pounded his chest before pulling himself up and glanced around thinking why it felt so strange in his apartment.

After rubbing his eyes he glanced around again to recognize his windshield and the head cushions for the two chairs up front. He was sleeping inside his car.

Before wondering why he reached over in search of his phone still half-asleep before answering.

“Oh Sehun! Where are you?! What in the world have you done!?” His mother screamed from the other end of the line.

When the words were unable to transmit to his brain he frowned, “H…hello?”

“Come home right now before I throw you out of your apartment, you imbecile!”

After hanging up he pulled the phone from his ear confused. On instinct he stepped out of his car wondering how he made it back last night. He was very lost about what was going on.

Shaking his head in an act to throw his headache off he climbed the stairs up to his apartment. Sehun stood in the shower for a long time and heard his phone go off again. Annoyed he became determined to ignore it and shut his eyes to sink in the heat of the warm water over his skin. It felt nice to be in this kind of isolation, away from the world; away from troubles; away from thoughts.

He opened his eyes when he heard Namjoo laugh joyously behind him, recalling moments of when they used to fight over the bar of soap playfully. Sehun found himself turning around in search of her only to find that he was standing alone. A sharp pain stabbed him before closing his eyes again and hanging his head low.

When the doorbell rang endlessly moments later he was forced to leave his warm space in the shower. On the other side of the door was the chauffeur who had so often drove him to and from school. Now aged he still greeted him the same with a humble bow.

Sehun found himself staring back silently wondering what kind of urgency there was that his mother would send someone after him. This was the first time it had happened.

“Your mother has sent me,” the chauffeur explained, “please come.”

Sehun observed the chauffeur closely and found himself at the back seat of a very familiar car. He recognized the scenery of trimmed trees along the driveway before coming up to the doors of his overly grand house. While making his way through the long corridors he took to looking everything over as if he’d never been there before.

At the back of his head he was pretty sure that there was no reason for him to rush to meet his mother. She was probably going to go on about the engagement at the end of the month and the wedding that was to come after; most of what Hayoung already talked to him about. Sehun was tired of all the talk already.

He spotted his mother standing inside one of the waiting rooms with only a table and much space to waste. She turned with a slight glare when he walked in.

“Sit.”

He was going to anyway. Pulling a chair out he sat down and turned to her wondering what was to come next.

“What the hell have you been doing? What did you do that Hayoung would want to cancel the engagement!?”

***Let me explain: Namjoo is going through a phase of escape. Luhan offers her everything she wants that Sehun doesn't have. This is important in her life because she needs a get away, she needs to be at peace, she needs calm; those are all that she lacks. Falling in love with Luhan is needed for her and her feelings for him are genuine. Plus, with Ki Hoon who is all for Han Han to be his daddy will be something that knocks Namjoo hard. She wants happiness for herself and for her son. Ki Hoon doesn't know Sehun which will make things difficult. The more Sehun aggressively tries to get back into their lives, the more aggressive Namjoo will be in her escape. Protecting Ki Hoon matters most to Namjoo. 

***I'm not going to side step Hayoung or Luhan for HunJoo. First of all, let me clarify that Luhan takes up a large portion of Ki Hoon and Namjoo's lives. He's their savior, he brought Namjoo home and helped her raise Ki Hoon. It's not easy for Namjoo to just do away with him or for Ki Hoon to forget this fatherly image at all. And though Hayoung may not be a big part of Sehun's life, she is his only pillar of strength who can support him because she sees and she knows how he lives and how he's grown up. So readers, be patient.

***I've illustrated in other stories before that not everything in life comes in forms of rainbows and happy endings. Not everything ends happily, but life goes on. Mistakes like HanJoo happen; not everything is clean cut. No one is pure. This story will figure things out for itself.

***Sehun's mother will very much get involved and Namjoo alongside Luhan's family's peace will very much get disrupted.