The night is cold and lonely. I sit on the edge of the rooftop, my feet dangling above the busy city. It looks like a dream from above here; the lights, the people rushing about, everything. I pulled my jacket tighter as I feel the cold seeping through my skin, crawling in my veins. I still feel cold. Like the many nights I did. Maybe hanging out on the rooftop tonight was a bad idea. Maybe. But the cold beer beside me says otherwise. As if saying it was the best decision I have ever made for the whole week.

I reached out for my beer, gripping it so tight as I press its mouth onto mine. Ah, how I love the bitterness of it travelling down my throat, but unconsciously makes a face when it settled in my stomach, feeling the coldness as if my intestine’s been so thin like my hair, too. I imagine Seohyun’s disapproving shake of the head when she knows about me drinking. But it was just one bottle, and it is the first in months, too!

I tilt my head up as I put down my beer once again. All I wanted to see is a star, but I have been lucky enough to see the moon peeking behind dark clouds, as if it was checking on me too like everyone else is doing these days. I give the kind Mr. Moon a small smile - a habit I have been doing since I was small.

Gentle wind blows once again and I tilt my head back down, looking at the street. It’s past ten now, but people were still busy walking around. I remember it’s Friday and a festival is happening in the neighbourhood.

Just when I was about to get lost in my thoughts, I hear the rooftop door crack slowly, followed by light, unsure footsteps.

“Hi,” I say a little loud as I acknowledge her presence.

“Taeyeon,” she says in her timid voice. “I have been looking all over for you.”

I tapped the space behind me, and I can just imagine her frightened expression. She was afraid of heights. “Come, Jessica,” I say softly. “Don’t be afraid.”

Her heels click against the concrete as she walks towards where I am. “Aren’t you afraid of falling?”

I turned to look at her, my smile widening as I see Jessica in a oversized sweatshirt of Korea University, her ripped boyfriend jeans exposing her knee. She has her hands clasped together on her chest.

“Why are you so afraid of falling?” I say as she slowly walks closer. I tap the space beside me again, signalling for her to take it.

“What kind of dumb question is that, Taeyeon?” she says with wide eyes.

I never noticed it before but her eyes seem to twinkle everytime she speaks. Or maybe it was just the lights down below. Or maybe it was because of the peeking moon. Or the little alcohol I have consumed. Or maybe it was all of that, but I wanted to pull her to me at that moment. And kiss those thin lips.

“Broken bones, broken head, blood gushing everywhere. Ew, don’t even make me start imagining it.” Jessica makes a face, as if she’s about to throw up.

“But don’t you like watching the world from above?” I say as I pull her by the hand. She had no choice but to sit beside me, not letting go of my hand as she did. “Everything’s so small from up here,” I say again. “All your problems, your doubts. Nothing matters up here but yourself. Don’t you like that?”

Jessica’s expression suddenly changes into a gloomy one, making me regret everything I just said. “They’re doing everything,” she says. “Everything, Taeyeon.”

I let out a fake smile, although I could never fool Jessica. “I know,” I say, forming circles on the back of her hand with my thumb. “And I trust them.” I could have sounded convincing, only I didn’t and my voice cracked at the end.

Jessica gently pulls my head to her shoulder and my senses was immediately filled with lavender and mint. She was always calming, and tonight was no difference. I relaxed in her hold, our fingers intertwining as she whispers comforting words into my ears. But, really, there was nothing more comforting in this world than her presence. And she may or may not know that, but I’m very thankful that she got kicked out of her past apartment, which made way for us to meet each other. I was about to move back with my parents in Jeonju so I decided to advertise my unit on the internet. Lucky for me Jessica was the first person to inquire about it. When she was about to move in and I, move out, something happened that made us what we are today - best friends. She learned about my illness and decided to be an angel and help me with my treatment. Also, she insisted that I just stay in the city and not move out of the apartment. We could share, I remember her saying. Who was I to say no, though? Maybe it was pity at first that made us close, but as time went by, Jessica and I became inseparable and now we’re about to celebrate our 3rd year anniversary as best friends. I don’t know why she like celebrating those stuff, though, it’s not like it’s that special.

“You shouldn’t be drinking,” Jessica says after awhile.

“I shouldn’t,” I say, passing the bottle at her. She shakes her head but chugs on it anyway.

The twinkle in Jessica’s eyes comes back as she smiles at me. I don’t know if she ever noticed, but everytime she does that, she makes me want to kiss her senseless. For years now.

“If you were to die the next day,” I say, distracting myself from my growing hunger for Jessica’s lips. “What would you do today?”

Jessica thinks about it for awhile, before her laughter rings in the air. “Bungee jump,” she says with a grin. “Since I’ll be dying, better do the thing I fear the most.”

I let out a chuckle. “Nice,” I nod my head, my mind replaying the last words. Better do the thing I fear the most. But there was nothing I fear more than telling Jessica that I’m in love with her, that I have been in love with her since the day she knocked on my door. Literally and metaphorically.

“What about you, Taeyeon?” she asks me softly, as if the question is very sensitive.

But, yes, what about me? I have been asking myself, too. What would I do to at least make my last moments in this world worthwhile?

Instead of answering her, I looked Jessica straight in the eyes. Her brown eyes asking and understanding at the same time. Maybe she had known all along. Maybe we both knew all along. But we were just too shy to acknowledge that we were in love with each other.

Unable to tell her what I felt for her, I cupped her face with my hands and gently inched closer to her until my lips is on the corner of her lips. She smiled and let out a sigh, as if she was waiting for it for the longest of time, too.

I moved my lips, taking her upper lip in mine. She responds shyly by gently on my lower lip. I had my other hand on the railing and the other is slowly caressing Jessica’s jaw and neck. I hear her moan in my mouth and everything feels overwhelming, as if my chest is going to burst from all the emotions I am feeling. My head pounds with the beat of my heart, I feel like I was going to pass out. Before I could, though, Jessica breaks the kiss with a peck on my lips. She offers me a sweet smile with our foreheads leaned gently against each other’s.

“If I were to die tomorrow,” I tell her in a voice so husky I didn’t think it was mine. “I would tell you how I’m so in love with you until my voice won’t let me anymore.”

Jessica smiles again. “That’s sweet,” she says. “But I rather you use that energy left to kiss me senseless.”

We both giggled, because that was what I was really going for. But of course I wanted her to hear how much I love her so I chose the latter as my answer.

“I never thought you were so into me,” I wiggled my brows playfully as we moved away from each other.

“Oh, please,” she says, rolling her eyes. “You talk about me in your sleep.”

“No I don’t,” I say defensively. So that’s why she seem to have an idea all this time.

“I even have an audio recording of it,” she says teasingly. “Wanna listen?”

I shake my head in embarrassment. “What did I put myself into.”

“It’s okay, you’re cute when you do that.”

We laughed at that, our fingers intertwined. Just then, fireworks burst from the sky - red, blue, and green, illuminating the sky in wonderful patterns.

“That’s our cue,” Jessica says before carefully standing up. “It’s getting really cold and it’s not good for your health.”

I nod at her, standing up. She adjusts my jacket and beanie before taking my hand again and guiding me back inside the building.

I was so happy that I didn’t notice my knees were giving out and I dropped to the ground. Jessica’s panicking voice rings in my head before everything went pitch black.

“Wake up, love.” I hear her say. With all the energy that I have, I told her how much I love her.