Love hurts. I know that much. I have heard people say that falling in love with someone is like giving them a gun and letting them point it at your head and hoping they will not pull that trigger. That sure as hell was true. And what hurts the most is that you hoped so much but they end up pulling that trigger anyway – maybe not intentionally, but the impact was just the same. It was a slap in the face, a kick in the ribs and a baseball bat to your head. It hurts that much. Then you start to hate that person for making you feel like crap, only to end up blaming your weak heart for falling in love and your naïve mind for making up happy ever after scenarios. I’m not bitter or anything since love once made me feel more than alive, too. But sadly, that person didn’t feel the same for me.

She was looking in my direction but I know she was spacing out again. She tends to do that on stage a lot these days and I have no idea what’s going on in that head of hers. I would have looked back at her and smiled if only my defenses never crumble down every time our eyes meet. And I couldn’t let that happen. I couldn’t let these walls I built to break. So I continued talking to Sunny, giving her instructions about the next song we will be performing.

As I walked back to my spot at the end of the line, I saw Jessica nodding from the corner of my eyes. Had she been listening? Maybe she was since she seemed to agree with what I said to Sunny. It actually surprised me that she was listening because often times she would just be floating about her own cloud of thoughts, totally disregarding the people around her. Not that she’s arrogant but she just have so much in her mind. She looks totally cool in the outside but I know, we all know, that she is the most over thinker in the group. She even worries about the pettiest of things.

When I was finally standing in my spot beside Yoona, I sighed the breath I didn’t know I was actually holding, my heart pounding loud in my ears amidst the cheers of hundreds of people gathered to watch us. I wonder if they heard it too. I wonder if Yoona heard it too. If she did, she didn’t say a thing, although I could feel her side-eyeing me.

I smiled at the crowd – something I have been trained to do for years. Smile, never show your emotions, they would tell us. Act as if you don’t feel a thing, they added. It was prerequisite in our world. But my heart feels like it’s going to burst anytime soon. My heart would always choose the right time to have a pity-party. I don’t understand but couldn’t do anything about it either.

The roar of the crowd echoed in my ear and I walked mechanically to my position for the next and last song. A part of me was happy that we could go back to Korea and rest, but another part of me – a bigger part – doesn’t want to leave yet.

I sat on the beige sofa inside the hotel room we were occupying, my eyes looking at anything but the person sitting on the arm chair opposite to me. She was typing away in her phone while she talked to Tiffany. You would be surprised how good of a multitasker she is. I tried tuning out their conversation, pretending to be engrossed in the car magazine in my lap, but my ears seemed to be programmed to pick up the sound of Jessica’s voice. So even though I tried, I can’t help but pick up some part of their conversation. They were talking about tourist spots and summer dresses.

Then Jessica’s laughter echoed inside the room, followed by Tiffany’s, which didn’t do much to drown the sound of Jessica’s high-pitched voice. I found myself smiling in that moment, wanting nothing more than to listen to the sound of Jessica’s laughter.

My short-lived happiness ended when Jessica’s phone rang. I looked at her under the hood of my lashes and I could swear her eyes flickered towards me for a portion of a second before she stood up to answer the caller.

“Hi,” I heard her say. I cringed at the aegyo-filled voice - something she only used for Krystal. Finding the courage, I lifted my head to look at her fully. She stood by the huge window, right hand holding the iPhone against her ear while her left head fiddled with the hem of her shirt. “Yes, I’m staying behind,” I heard her say. I saw her reflection on the glass window, her eyes focused on something from outside. I wonder if she could see me, too. With that thought in mind, I tore my eyes away from her, only to be met by Tiffany’s sympathetic gaze. She didn’t have to say, I know what that look means. I shook my head at her, scrunching up my face in a funny way. I didn’t want her to worry about me. I didn’t want anyone to worry about me.

As Jessica sat back down on the arm chair, there was a shy smile on her face as she said, “I-Is it okay i-if I stay behind?” I know she was talking to me but I chose not to answer, not trusting my voice. There was a huge knot in my chest and I know that if I talked, I would just end up croaking.

There was a long silence before Tiffany chose to answer for me. “Of course!” she said, clasping her together as she tried laughing, only for it to sound so awkward. “Do what you want, Jessi, we don’t have a schedule anyway.”

I wanted to tell her that she can’t stay behind, that I needed her to come back to Korea with us – with me, that we’re supposed to celebrate our debut anniversary together as nine. I wanted to, but I didn’t.

“Is that okay, Taeyeon?” Jessica said, her attention focused on me. I willed myself to look at her and curved a little smile on my lips. “Whatever you want,” I told her, echoing Tiffany’s words, the knot in my chest growing overtime.

“Thank you.” She lets out a full smile, the one that shows her gums and molar teeth. I wonder if she was happy that I spoke to her or if she was happy because I wasn’t being a witch today and let her do what she wanted. Either way, the smile only added to the forming knot in my chest, making it unbearable.

She stood up then, going through her luggage. “What should I wear for dinner?” There it was. A slap on my face, a kick in the ribs and a baseball bat to my head. She looked so happy and I know I should be, too. But I couldn’t. It hurts so much. It hurts that her happiness was not me. It hurts so much that I found myself gripping on the edge of the sofa tightly. A hand squeezed mine and I lift my head to lock gazes with Tiffany. She smiled sadly again before standing up to cater Jessica, leaving me in the beige sofa feeling like I was half-drowning.

The concert ended and we hurried to put our comfortable clothes back on, our yellow blazers haphazardly thrown on the clothes hanger. Jessica was exceptionally happy, bouncing from one person to another, making the rest of the girls laugh at her antics. “Did you drink Tiffany’s Red Bull again?” Sooyoung playfully asked, snorting a little at the ecstatic Jessica.

“No, she just had too many chocolates.” Tiffany rolled her eyes. My insides churned, knowing where those came from. I dressed up faster than I usually do and hurried to the door. “I’ll just go ahead to the car,” I said without looking back. I heard Yuri asking Tiffany if I was okay and Tiffany answering her with the generic, “She’s just tired” before the door closed. I leaned my back against it for a moment, trying to keep myself together. I wonder if Jessica worries like how Yuri worried for me too? A part of me wanted her to worry, to feel that she still cares.

A few minutes after I was seated inside the car that will bring us to the airport, I saw Jessica walking to a black Ferrari, her steps were unusually bouncy and there was a goofy smile on her face. I didn’t have to look to know who was driving the damn car. I watched her slipped inside the passenger seat, her hair tied up in a bun and her fringe was falling to her forehead. She was wearing a wonderful black dress that hugged her figure perfectly. I have never wanted to be a guy in my life until now. Like a heartbreaking movie, I watched the car vanish from my sight slowly, but not before leaving trails that told me it was all real. That Jessica was going to spend the night with him. Just the thought of it made me feel like crying. And suddenly, I felt wetness filling my eyes. I know I wasn’t crying - I’m way past that pathetic stage now - but the tightness in my chest said otherwise. I feel like drowning again, only this time I don’t know if I’ll ever resurface again.

The ride to the airport was silent, almost solemn. There was only me, Tiffany and Yuri in the car since the other girls were on the other cars. I know they were worried, I can feel it in the way Yuri shifts on her seat. But she didn’t try asking, neither she nor Tiffany did, and that’s what I liked most about them.

Time flew quickly and before I knew it, I was already inside the airport, following the other girls to the passenger lounge. I smiled at the fans, so wide that I could feel my lips ripping apart. Girl’s Generation’s Kim Taeyeon was very happy to be there, in their presence, but the girl Taeyeon Kim wasn’t. Her heart was aching, yielding for somebody who could never be hers. Someone so close yet so far. It was so cliché yet true.

I subtly glanced back at the entrance, hoping to see a running Jessica to catch the flight with us, but as the time ticked and our departure time came closer, I knew it was all futile. I heard Hyoyeon clicking her tongue beside me, disappointment evident in her eyes as we locked gazes. I sent her a smile, which she just rolled her eyes at before draping an arm over my shoulders. “I’m so sad,” she said. “I prepared that booze that will knock you guys out with one shot for the anniversary.” I raised a brow at her, silently asking what the problem was. She laughed a little. “I wanted to see Jessica drunk,” she said. “But it seems like there’s only eight of us celebrating this year, so you’ll have to help me convince Seohyun to drink.”

I sent her a dumbfounded look. “Why me?” I asked.

“Coz we’re best friends, remember?” I laughed at her answer. I was never really close with Hyoyeon but I swear, sometimes, she makes me feel like she knows me more than I know myself.

“Since when did we become best friends?” I challenged, to which she only chuckled.

“Starting today since I’m the third member of the danshin team.” I laughed along with Hyoyeon as we settled inside the airplane.

When our laughter died down, Hyoyeon’s face turned serious. “I hope you won’t get mad at her,” she said. “I think she’s just overwhelmed with everything that’s happening in her life right now.”

I shook my head. I understand that perfectly and I wasn’t mad at Jessica. I was never mad at her. Even though I try, I couldn’t. “It’s okay,” I said. “Don’t worry.”

“I can’t love you like that, Taengoo.” Jessica’s eyes were shining. She was close to crying and I didn’t like being the cause of it. “It’s okay,” I said, forcing a smile in my lips, my heart breaking into pieces as I lied. “Don’t worry.”

“Taeng?” I was pulled out of memory lane when Hyoyeon nudged me with her elbow, a brow raised at me. “What were you thinking about just now?”

I shook my head at her. “N-Nothing.”

Hyoyeon clicked her tongue. “You’re a bad liar, dear leader.” She laughed a little. “You’re worried about her, aren’t you?”

It was a rhetorical question but I couldn’t help myself from answering, “I am.”

I felt a faint smile creeping into my lips. “But I’m happy that she’s happy,” I told Hyoyeon honestly and she nodded her head, letting the conversation die there.

I closed my eyes, hoping to catch some sleep but failed miserably as images of Jessica filled my mind. I wasn’t just worried about her - I was jealous. Very, very jealous. If only I could make her love me, then maybe, just maybe, life would be a little more happier.

And here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And I will feel the power but you won't
No you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me