Final

Am I walking on the right path?

Is everything really have to be this way?

Should I continue to only look forward?

I didn’t know.

Time flew so fast since then.

It was finally the end of the year, where every students began to aware of their grades. We started to study harder, searching for college’s informations, taking some extra courses—everything that might help us on increasing our scores.

And I was just the same.

Though, I knew there’s a little thing that slowly corrupting my mind.

“Seriously, he thinks he can make it into Sungkyungkwan. I can’t wait until he cries out tears of blood after failed to get there,” Hana blabbered, talking about an average-score-guy that decided to choose Sungkyungkwan college.

“There’s someone in my class that choose Sungkyungkwan too,” I said while flipping the pages.

“It’s too much, I guess,” she twitched her lips. “What about you?”

I looked up from the book, finding her curious face in front of me.

“What?” I cluelessly muttered.

“About your choice,” she pointed out.

I tiltled my head to the side, thinking. “I don’t know yet.”

“You have to make your decision soon,” she adviced. “You’re smart.”

“I’m still thinking about that,” I smiled.

“Hah—our talk is all about college and exams lately,” she sighed, leaning against the chair with bored face.

“Really?” I nonchalantly muttered.

“Hey, what about going to a cafè near train station? I need refreshing,” she quickly leant forward.

That’s a good idea too. If I spent more times with Hana, I would forget about him for a little longer. At least, that’s what I thought.

“Alright,” I nodded.

“That’s my friend!” she winked, before quickly closing all the book, including the one that I was reading on. “Come on.”

We walked out of the library, through the corridor, across the hallway with Hana talking about the updated news of her favorite idols and sometimes about her classmates that annoyed her. I just silently listened to her, didn’t feel like want to say something at the moment.

Until she suddenly talked about him.

“I haven’t see Yongguk for awhile,” she stated, glanced at me before went on, “did something happen?”

No. Besides that day where I told him to leave me alone, there’s nothing special happened between us. Nothing was enough to give me guilt and regret.

Yet those feelings just still there, no matter what.

“No,” I finally replied.

“Really?” she looked disbelief.

It took me a few seconds to think about that. Wondering whether I had to tell her or not, whether to talk about my feelings over the truth or just pretend they weren’t there. And the more I tried to hold it back, the more it wanted to burst out.

“I’m just worry of college,” I muttered, decided to lie afterall. “I don’t know what to take and what to leave.”

She looked at me, I could tell it from the edge of my eyes but it didn’t long enough until she took her gaze away. Like finally finished reading my mind.

“Whatever it is, you already do your best,” she said.

Did I?

Honestly, I was just afraid. If one day, I would regret things that I choose now—if I would continue my life pretending nothing’s happened on my back.

“I don’t know what happened between you and him but,” she paused for awhile, trying to look for the good words before told me, “there’s always a reason behind the decision you made.”

A reason?

What was my reason behind that?

Because he lied to me? Because I couldn’t accept the truth that he would always choose Hyosung over me? Because he never told me what did I mean to him? Because I got mad of his indecision?

Or because I didn’t think I could understand him?

We never talked again after that day and it should have made me easier to get over the feelings but no. The questions always came crashing my mind and it made everything harder than what I thought.

Even until the graduation day, where I knew it might be the last chance for me.

Everyone looked really happy with the brightest smile put on their face, obviously showing off their reliefs after a full of pressure test. The thoughts of having real life with working in front of the computers twelve hours straight or studying hard to take entrance exams wasn’t there for awhile. It was, a short moment, where everyone enjoyed their last day on high school.

Because tomorrow, we would continue our own life and maybe never see each other again.

And that thoughts scared me. Completely.

I knew I was looking for him soon after I got my report book. I knew that my feet was leading me to find him between unfamilliar faces on the hallway. I knew that my mind only thinking of him, literally.

But right after I found him near the front gate—my logic restrained me from running to him.

Instead, I was just standing there, didn’t know what to do.

Even when he saw me and forcing to give me a smile—I still didn’t know if it’s just my hallucination or not.

“Hey,” he called me, with his deep voice that I missed a lot.

I missed him, so.

“How is your grade?” he glanced at the report book on my hand.

“It’s okay,” I slowly muttered.

He chuckled. “You must get a great score.”

Should I asked him back? Or talking about something else so our talk won’t be over?

But before I tried, I could see his intention to continue the talk.

I could clearly see it.

“Will you take entrance exam?” he carefully asked.

“I don’t know yet,” I muttered.

Somehow, half part of myself wasn’t with me anymore. It felt so unreal.

“You have to think about it carefully,” he awkwardly adviced.

There, we trapped into silence again.

Where I stared into his face—every structures of his facial, like I was trying to paint it inside of my mind. I didn’t know when I would meet him again and that truth hurted me so much. I really wanted to tell him everything that I had all this time. I really did.

But more than anything, I wanted him to tell me first.

I wanted him to, finally, make the first step.

Even though I knew it was just the same as endless waiting.

“I hope you will get into a good college and have a happy life,” he remarked, looking into my eyes through his confident gaze—something that I had never see before. “I hope you will always live on happiness.”

Ah—so that was goodbye, I thought.

He wasn’t going to make up something. He wouldn’t do anything about what happened before. So, was that mean I had to look at the future too? That I had to let all that things behind me once we left this school?

“Yes,” I looked at the ground, “I pray for you too.”

“Bye, Jieun,” he softly whispered.

And with that two words, I looked up.

I would never forget that time when he slowly turned around, his board back facing me and when he walked away from me. Farther, and farther.

It was too fast. Just a moment ago, I could still touch him by holding out my hand. Just a moment ago, I could still hear his stable breathing running through my ears. Just a moment ago, he was still in front of me. Listening to me.

But now, I could only look at his back, that was walking away from me—without even looking back.

How my time slowly stopped moving forward.

And since then, no one ever see Yongguk again.