As soon as Kris reached the guest house, he intertwined my hands with his and walked me out to the park. I didn’t want to say anything first, I thought that it would be better if Kris were the one who started the conversation. We stood at the park for a long time, still hands on hands.

“Do you not believe me when I say I miss you?” Kris finally started the conversation.

I shook my head; I shook my head as hard as possible and looked towards Kris.

“You don’t believe me?” Kris asked again.

“I believe you but,” I stopped my words.

“But what Len?” Kris asked again.

“What are we, Kris? What are we?” I finally blurted the question I’ve wanted to ask him. Kris didn’t say anything and I felt frustrated. “You can’t say all those words and expect me not to have these questions, Kris.” I sighed.

Kris shoved his fingers to his hairs and I could feel him thinking. I could see he was thinking, trying to think of a good answer.

“You can’t say I miss you when you have someone you like, Kris. You can’t play with my feelings. You can’t” I finally said it. “Do you know how much this hurts? Do you know that? Yes, I don’t want you to go to Jane. I want to be selfish and say stay. But I can’t! I can’t ruin your happiness! I like you Kris and you know that! You knew it from the beginning.” I was now blurting out all those thoughts in my mind. In truth, I was upset. Of course I miss him as well, why wouldn’t I miss him. Of course I wanted him next to me, of course I want him around, of course I want him twenty four seven but what rights do I have?

“Len,” Kris said and turns towards me.

“What are we, Kris? Just answer that.” I held.

Silence mounted over, silence came creeping in.

“I’m no one. I’m just a friend, nothing more. I’m just a friend” I answered for Kris. I looked towards Kris and stared at his eyes, hoping he would say something.

But he didn’t. He didn’t.

“Guilty? Our friendship is based on guilt. You are friends with me because of that guilt. I don’t even know where it came from. I don’t even know why you feel guilty. But you are friends with me just because of guilt. That stupid thing called guilt. So, please, please Kris, don’t act as if I’m someone very important to you. I had enough. I’m tired of this. No, let’s just forget this. Let’s forget everything. Let’s pretend I was never here.” I turned around. I should have done this a long time ago. I should have stop, I should have. But as soon as I realised this, look where I am, I finally realised, my life is already at the bottom of a sinking ship.

I was a few meters away from the park and a few steps away from the guest house when I suddenly felt his hands grabbing my wrist.

“Lena, wait.” Kris let go of my wrist when he saw me looking at it. Kris was feeling guilty again and I could see a pained expression on his face. I wanted to cry right there but I told myself to hold it in. Hold it in for a few more minutes.

“I, I don’t know what I feel anymore” He finally said and glanced at me, “Yes. I like Jane but how can I let you go?” Kris looked as if he was going to break down, he looked tired now.

“Can you hear yourself, Kris? Did you hear what you just said? You like Jane. I’m no one to you, you can let me go now, forget those guilty feelings. Forget it.”

“Wait, please, Len, please, just give me time” Kris grabbed onto my shoulders.

“I’m sorry Kris. I’m sorry but we are running out of time. You can’t keep hovering over us like this. You have Jane now. I’ll back off” I turned around and took quick steps towards the guest house.

When I reached my bed, I finally shed all the tears.