After my conversations with Max and Grace, I began to think of my relationship with Kris.

It was true, I got used to the fact that he was always there, he stayed near and I started to believe my life wouldn’t be complete without him. I hammered that image in my mind; I told myself that Kris was the one I needed to spend the rest of my life with.

But, what if that was not the case? What if we were only meant to be friends? I was so caught up with Kris, I stopped looking elsewhere. I kept hoping, thinking about Kris. I never think about anyone else. I never open up to other possibilities. It always felt like my life, decisions revolved around Kris. I finally realised that.

Yes, Kris is a part of my life. Kris is someone important. Now, when I try to picture the rest of my life with Kris, it sounds daunting. Because I have this gut feeling, we wouldn’t be happy. We didn’t need anything more, yes, we had feelings for each other, but we could never act on it because our friendship was too precious.

Right then, I received a call from Kris.

I met up with Kris at the park we had our big conversation before. He brought me coffee and I genuinely smiled at him.

“Hey” I greeted and took the coffee. Kris hugged me as usual and I accepted it.

“Len,” I cut Kris off before he could continue.

“Wait, let’s wait for a couple of minute” I was still trying to compose myself, I was still trying to think of the right way to say all those things. I was trying to make sure I didn’t sound negative.

“Len, I’m sorry” He said and I nodded.

“I’m sorry as well. Sorry for bursting out at you the other day.” I apologised and all Kris did was shook his head a little bit too hard.

“You were right, you were suppose to get mad at me, Len” Kris sighed.

I turned to him and shook my head, “Don’t, let’s not do that anymore, blaming ourselves. Let’s just not” I asked.

“I don’t know Len, I’m confused.” Kris finally admitted.

“Me too” I smiled and looked over to Kris. “But, I think I finally get it. I think I get everything now, it’s true, you mean the world to me, you really do Kris. I love having you near me, next to me, I love talking to you, I love sharing things with you, I love the fact that I could talk anything with you but maybe, a relationship between the two of us, it’s never meant to be” I tried to explain.

“Len, I just don’t know. I know I need you but at the same time I can’t, I just don’t know” Kris was almost at the verge of hitting himself.

“Hey, don’t beat yourself up over this. I still need you as well, I need you like always, I will still be here if you need me too.” I hold onto his hands but decided to let them go, “I will always need you as a friend, yes, I used to want you, us, to be more than that but I realised, what kind of relationship would it be when we almost feel we need to force ourselves upon it. We were so use to the idea of having each other, and people like to plant in ideas about our relationship. We can’t help but start thinking about it, never realising our true feelings in the first place.”

Kris now turned himself away and tried to understand what I was trying to say.

“Think about it Kris, do you really love me? Can you really imagine living with only the two of us?” I asked Kris. Kris turns towards me and hold my hands.

“Len, I would be lying if I said I never tried imagining living with only you and it felt right but after,” Kris stopped himself, he was worried. I knew he was worried that I would get hurt. That look in his eyes as he looked up, it was guilt, again, there it was, that look.

“But after you met Jane, after we meet new people, that feelings starts to get smaller and we started imagining different things, am I right?” I asked Kris. “I never realised it back then, but I was relieved when I had to go to Singapore for my discovery year, I really was and at that time I couldn’t understand why.

I know now though, it was because I manage to break free from what I had been imagining and I realise that there’s more than that, I broke away from what people hope to see from me and most of all, I made a decision for myself and not based on someone else” I look at Kris again.

“I know you want to remain a good guy, Kris but sometimes, leaving someone can make you a good guy too. This will hurt at first, it will take time to get used to but I think it is better that we realise and confront this feelings, this situation now rather than running away and hurting other people at the same time. I can bet, Jane is having a hard time right now.” I continued and smiled towards Kris, “Think about it, don’t think about me, don’t think about how I feel but think about yourself. Please, just this once”