As soon as I reached the guest house with Kris, I walked into my room and sat on my bed. For at least twenty minutes, I sat on my bed and think. I didn’t exactly know what I was thinking about. All I could remember was getting mad at myself. I finally went to bed after and woke up late the next morning. It was my last day in Singapore, I’ll be going back home tomorrow morning. I tried to think of what I had to do, what I needed to do but I couldn’t help but feel that the trip was just nothing to begin with.

I was starting to lose hope; I was starting to get mad at myself again. I went out my room and walked away from the house. I should just walk anywhere instead of staying inside. I couldn’t call Kris, I couldn’t ask for anyone’s help. It was just me all alone. I started wandering around and started observing other people. I envy when I saw other people laughing and smiling. Where did my happiness go?

I was getting frustrated; I walked inside a coffee shop. I ordered a drink and sat near the windows. I had imagined walking and spending more time with Kris here and all I manage to get was pain, heartache. As I took my order, I heard my phone ringing and judging from the sound I knew who it was. I answered the call,

“Where are you?” Kris asked almost rushing, sounding worried.

“Outside, somewhere.” I answered as I looked out the window.

“Where exactly? I need to see you” Kris said and I described the place. I knew there was no point in avoiding Kris. I knew avoiding Kris wasn’t the best answer.

I saw Kris outside, he was looking at me. He had a gloomy look on his face. I had one too. I motioned wait to him and walked outside. I stood a few feet away from him and finally look at him in the eyes. It was obvious he didn’t sleep last night. It was obvious he was tired.

“Let’s just walk” I said. I had nothing else to say to Kris. At that moment, all I could think about was just gulping all this into memory; it may be my last of him.

“Remember the question you asked me before?” Kris asked while walking a few feet away next to me. “What are we, you asked? I think I have an answer.” Kris continued.

‘You think?’ I thought to myself.

“I would like to think we are more than friends, Len. I know I have feelings for you.” Kris confessed.

“You can’t say that. You have a girlfriend. You can’t cheat, Kris” I answered, even though he confessing was something I had imagined a long time ago but the situation didn’t make me happy.

“Am I stupid?” Kris asked and stopped me in my tracks.

“No, we’re both stupid.” I answered. “We are both fools, how did we manage to come to this?” I continued walking towards the path and Kris immediately grabbed my wrist.

“I’m really sorry Len. I really am sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for doing this to you” Kris apologised.

“I’m sorry too, I’m sorry for having feelings for a guy who is not available. I’m sorry that I keep on hoping, I’m sorry for making your life hard but I know now. I know we need to stop.” I said to Kris. “We can’t keep doing this. You have a girlfriend Kris and we need to accept that, I need to accept that”

“But I can’t do that with you holding onto me, giving me hope, raising my expectations, treating me like I’m someone very important to you. I can’t let you do that. I’m not going to be another reason why your relationship ends. I don’t want to.” I argued and gave Kris my reason.

“I don’t want to let you go” Kris whispered still holding onto my hands.

“You have to, if I were really important to you, I, I...” I couldn’t finish the sentence. My face was burning, I felt my tears collecting, I felt it coming. I walk quickly and Kris followed after.

“Let me go Kris, just let me go” I arrived at the guest house and Kris was still behind me.

“No, I need to stay, you can’t give up on me, Len” Kris considered.

“I have to, I have to, Kris.” I walked inside the guest house and I saw Jake sitting at the dining area.

“Jake, help me. Tell Kris to go, tell him to go home” I pleaded.

Jake knocked on my door and I let him in. I was sitting near the bed, I was trying to pack my stuff but I couldn’t bear to do it. My heart and mind wasn’t in the right place.

“Are you okay?” Jake asked and sat next to me.

“I’m okay” I answered.

“Kris went home. I had to convince him” Jake explained and I nodded. “Did you two fight?” Jake questioned.

All I could was nod. “It’s okay, I fight with my friends too” Jake tried to make me feel better.

“I don’t think we can recover from this” I finally said.

“What makes you say that?” Jake asked, listening to my answers.

“I hurt him. I hurt him pretty bad” I answered.

“You could always apologise, tell him you’re sorry and you never meant to hurt him” Jake advised.

“That’s the problem, I meant to hurt him, I wanted to hurt him” I said and shove my stuff inside my luggage. Jake stopped me and I just sat there. “I should have known. I should have known that we were never meant to be. I knew all we had was friendship and if this ship sailed, it will drown. I knew but I didn’t stop. When I wanted to stop, it was too late.” I almost cracked my voice.

“No ship sail smoothly the first time Lena, no relationship or friendship is perfect” Jake answered. “I bet he likes you, I believe Kris likes you too much and he was afraid of the feelings, he was afraid he would do something wrong.”

What were we so afraid of? I don’t know. What went wrong? Was I someone he only tried to play with? Was I easy? Were we too afraid of confronting our feelings?