Entry 19

"Loving you was never a choice. Leaving you... maybe that is."

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Chanyeol leaned on the hard, brick wall of SM High while he waited for Krystal to arrive. He made sure that he was early now so as not to miss her arrival on school and an opportunity to talk to her.

He can't understand Krystal nowadays. She was always absent in school and if she's present, she will avoid him no matter what; she was not answering his texts or calls; and she was refusing to talk to him whenever he visted her house.

*What's wrong with you Krystal?* he thought concernedly. He checked his watch - 7:50 a.m. 10 minutes before their first class and she was still not on school.

15 minutes later, Chanyeol sighed defeatedly and went for his Algebra class. He peered in their classroom's window first - both his seat and Krystal's was empty. Knowing that their professor will just kick him out of the room, he decided to stay on the corridors and lingered around.

He walked pass their room and turned around the corner without paying much attention. He was thinking deeply about Krystal when his trance was interrupted by a hard bump on his chest.

"Oh gosh! Look where you're going  -"

Luna gaped when she saw Chanyeol's tall figure in front of her. Her face turned from angry to sneering.

"So, I haven't seen you and Krystal together nowadays. Did she break up with you?" she asked, looking at the empty space beside Chanyeol.

When he did not reply, she continued,

"And she's not attending her classes oftenly." 
"She's just sick." Chanyeol replied.
"Really??" she said, grinning wickedly. "If she's so sick then what was she doing in a high class restaurant with 2 old men and Kris last night?"

Chanyeol frowned. "What are you talking about?" he asked confusedly.
"Oh I don't know... I just passed by them accidentally." she flipped her hair and gave him a sly smile. "If I were you, I'd be aware of Krystal. She's not what you think she is." she said.
"You don't know her, so stop talking behind her back." Chanyeol snapped. He walked passed her and stormed away.
"Just saying." Luna called back.

He turned around the corner and slumped on the floor. His head was swimming with confused thoughts.

Was Luna lying? If not, then why's Krystal with Kris? Why would Krystal talk to Kris when she won't talk to him, her boyfriend?

"Relationships are complicated." Chanyeol muttered.

***

By Thursday, Chanyeol was almost losing his hope to see and talk to Krystal. He was his slice of pork absent-mindedly when someone tapped his shoulder. He looked up - and saw Sulli holding a tray of milk carton and fried rice with a piece of banana beside it. She smiled at him shyly.

"Do you mind if I join you?" she asked.
"No, of course not Sulli." Chanyeol answered. He moved his bag from the empty seat and let Sulli sit. An awkward silence immediately fell between them.
"So, huh... it was a long time since we had lunch together, doesn't it?" Sulli asked, attempting to break the ice.
"Mm-hmm.." Chanyeol hummed. It was the first time that he got awkward with Sulli, and the silence was unbearable for him. He looked at Sulli and received a surprise; her hair was longer than before, her lips were shining red now, and there was a light blush in her cheeks, which were all not in her face before.
"You put make-ups now?" he commented.

Sulli blushed but nodded. "You're so busy with Krystal you never noticed?" she half-joked.

Chanyeol's face fell. He spotted the bitter face of Sulli and felt bad.

"I'm sorry." he said sincerely. "I -"
"It's okay." she cut off and gave him a friendly smile. "I guess it can't be helped."
"You're not mad at me?" he asked.

Sulli shook her head and gave him a small smile. "Maybe I should have, but I can't when it comes to my bestfriend."

His heart warmed at her words, and for that moment, Chanyeol badly wants to hug his friend. Sulli, just like Krystal when they were young, was the only one who dared to approach him even with his weirdness.

"I promise I'll never leave your side again my best friend!" he said, suddenly energized. Sulli chuckled then she turned serious.
"What happened to you? You seem so down earlier." she changed the subject, glad that the uncomfortable atmosphere between them was gone now.
"Krystal." Chanyeol answered shortly. "She's avoiding me."
"Hmm.." Sulli paused uncertainly. "I don't know the whole story, but the Chanyeol I knew never gave up so easily." then she winked at him.

Chanyeol beamed at her. He did not realize how much he missed Sulli.

After their lunch, Sulli and Chanyeol went outside the cafeteria together. Chanyeol was walking Sulli to her next class when they suddenly stopped in their tracks.

Krystal was walking confidently on the corridor, with a number of new girls around her. When she saw Chanyeol and Sulli, she stopped too. Her eyes were dead, her face was expressionless, and her aura was cold: the old Krystal.

"Krystal, why did you stop?" someone asked her.
"You go ahead." she replied, not taking her eyes off of Sulli and Chanyeol.

The girls nodded and walked away, giving a brief glance to Chanyeol.

"Krystal!" Chanyeol's three long strides made him reach Krystal faster. He hugged her and kissed the top of her head. "Have you been sick?" he asked.

Krystal removed Chanyeol's arms around her and raised her eyebrows. "Who told you that?"

He was hurt both by her rejection and her cold question. He scratched his head awkwardly, "Uhmm.. I just thought.." he said.
"I'm not. I'm just busy with work." she cut. Krystal bored over Sulli and smirked. "Your makeup looks nice to you. At least it made you human."

Sulli opened in disbelief. *Is this the woman Chanyeol was so in love with?!!* 

"Krystal, why are you saying that?" Chanyeol frowned. "I know!" he hold her hands and squeezed it. "Maybe it's just because of stress. You want to hangout after class?"
"Sorry Chanyeol, I'm busy." she gave him a dead smile and walked away.
"Ch-chanyeol?" Chanyeol repeated. He turned around and looked over his shoulders... Krystal's retreating back gave him the impression that she was drifting away from him slowly...

But what did he do?

"Krystal, wait!" He ran after her and caught her arm. Krystal bit her lower lip and frowned at him.
"What?"
"Let's talk." he said sternly.
"I'm busy -!"
"NO."

She stopped speaking and gawked at him. Chanyeol's serious tone was really scary, especially when he has a deep voice like that.

Chanyeol went towards the now empty parking lot, dragging Krystal with him. When they reached a spot when he was sure that no one can see and overhear them, he let go of her arm and looked at her with a mixture of confusion and concern.

"I don't understand you Krystal.. What's wrong with you?" he asked. "Did I do something wrong?"

Krystal can see the hurt in his eyes... Her heart melted to see him in pain, and she just wants to hug him now.

She took a step forward and stopped. *Get a grip on yourself Krystal. You already made a choice.* Deliberately, she took another  step backward and closed her eyes.

"There's nothing wrong with me." she lied.
"It's not true Krystal. You have a problem. Why can't you tell me? I told you last time that your problem is my problem too right?" he took steps forward while Krystal backed away. He took another step forward and she backed away again. They kept doing this until Krystal met the cold wall, sandwhiching herself between it and Chanyeol.
"See? You're avoiding me." he said bitterly. "Please tell me what's wrong, because to be honest, it's starting to frustrate me." he put his hands on her shoulders and squatted, so that his eyes were on level in hers. "Please Krystal. You're torturing me." he pleaded. "Just... just tell me."

Krystal was the master of poker faces, but even she has weakness. That weakness was facing her right now.

After a long pause, she said in the iciest and deadliest tone she can muster...

"Why does it always have to be about you?" she snapped. "It's not you, it's me. I don't love you."

They stared at each other for a very long time. No one blinked, no one said a word.... the deafening silence weighed down on them... and Krystal was on the verge of crying now.

"Stop lying." Chanyeol grunted. "It's not true."
"You think?" she spat. "Tell me something I don't know Chanyeol, because the last time I checked, I've been playing with you for the last 2 months and a half."
"Stop." Chanyeol pursed his lips angrily. "Stop lying." he ordered.
"Plus you're a boring companion. Kai was way better than you."
"LIAR!" Chanyeol roared angrily. His eyes watered but he doesn't care. He's so confused right now... so hurt. Why does love needs to be so complicated? Can't they just live happily without problems? "It's Mr. Scary Face isn't it? He doesn't like me for you, am I right? But Krystal..." he hold her hands and kissed it, full of emotions. "Krystal, I'll work hard so I can be enough for your family... Just stop lying to me. I thought you trust me?"

She yanked her hands away from him and stared at him coldly. "Trust? Since when did I really trust a person? My father was right, people can change, so trust shouldn't really be given to anyone."
"But you're changed now." he said.
"I'm not." she hissed. "And love?" Krystal put her hands on the necklace she was wearing, "Love is just a crap for teenagers Chanyeol. Love is not permanent. Like everyone, it changes. And to me, it never changed... because I never loved you."

Then she pulled the necklace from her neck and threw it on the ground.

"Promise me that we'll wear this necklace as long as we love each other"
"Promise."

Her lips quivered as the memory came back to her, but she refrained herself from crying. *For Mommy. You're doing this for your Mom.*

"I repeat: I don't love you. Never has, never will."

And with that she walked away from him.... ending everything with Chanyeol. The man who never lose hope to her... The man who never gave up on her.... The man who changed her life and gave her reason to smile...

And now she's doing the worst thing to the man who means everything to her.

Dear Krystal:

A chocolate has two tastes: sweet and bitter. I've been eating chocolates my whole life with only sweetness on my mouth. I never realized its bitter side, just like how I did not realize the bitter side of love. Why do we need to complicate things? Why do you have to play with my feelings, made me convinced that you love me, then just leave me all of a sudden? Who am I to you really? I regret the day I gave my heart to you, because I did not leave anything for me. I loved you with all my heart that I forgot my own love for myself.

I regret the day I love you, because my heart is suffering now. Tell me how to ease the pain, because my first heartbreak is so unbearable.

Chanyeol.