It was weird how easily one could be pulled out of the created pretence. Only one thought, the following realization and the moment of processing were needed for Hana to suddenly feel like leaving this place.

What was she even trying to achieve by doing this? Distraction? More like lying to herself. To joke around, laugh and try to socialize with others suddenly felt so wrong when Luhan was having such different things to deal with at this very moment.

All of a sudden, the laughter surrounding her became terribly noisy. The smiles the girls were giving her seemed so unfitting. And the short replies that left her own lips felt more faux than ever.

Hana looked around, her breath becoming slightly irregular. Had there always been so many people?

The noise became unbearable for her ears, seemingly screaming and screeching even though it was heartfelt laughter in reality. The faces of the people seemed too close, their smiles too wide, their jokes listless. There was so much suddenly. Too much. And it drowned Hana in the mass of sensation and perception.

At some point she found herself wondering how she even ended up in this mass of people. Had she really come here voluntarily?

It was as if she'd sleepwalked here.

How could she? How could she while she was completely awake do something so subconsciously? A little chuckle – too high-pitched for her own voice – escaped her lips before she began breathing heavily. Still looking around, she desperately tried to calm down, but there was a jabbing in her chest. The feeling of nervousness and unrest.

Hana kneaded her fists, her breath still stagnant.

What the hell was she even doing here? What was happening – She gasped loudly when someone suddenly bumped into her back, an elbow hitting her waist. Pain made itself known throughout her waist, and Hana didn't even have time to react because in the next second she was pushed away.

“Sorry, gotta get through,” the one who'd bumped into her called out as he tried to cut his way through the crowd. At the sound of it, Hana snapped out of her thoughts.

His voice was loud and annoyingly cheerful, only adding to the antipathy Hana was feeling. But when she realized that it was only due to him bumping into her and his loud voice snapping her out of her thoughts that she finally realized the situation. Before new groups students could the campus, and thus make it even more crowded, Hana quickly mumbled an excuse to the girls she was standing with before she tried to cut her way through the crowd back to the building. It was becoming more and more crowded, and Hana felt as if oxygen was pulled out of her lungs, so she hurried.

It had been idiotic to suddenly do something that was so unlike her. Even if it was meant to be distraction. She should’ve started with weaker things. Talking to those people was no problem, but choosing a clique of people, going to the campus during the busiest hour – that was idiotic. For Hana didn’t like crowded places, she detested them; she hated small-talk and hypocritical smiles. And yet, she’d come here where all of the factors were present.

And what for?

Distraction.

She felt like a crazy person for first not realizing, then crying and then trying to distract herself with such ridiculous actions. It had been three days since Luhan had left, and yet in those three days Hana could feel how she seemed to have lost all balance with life.

How could she, within three days, fall into such chaos?

Inner-conflict. Uncertainty. And the lack of contact with reality.

In only three days, her past problems had caught up with her, ready to devour her.

Hana leaned against the wall with her forehead, her eyes closed.

How much of a helpless, dumb girl was she that she couldn’t even keep her balance in life? Did she really depend on Luhan so much? This was ridiculous –

No. Stop. Hana shook her head, squeezing her eyes even more shut than they already were.

She forced herself to wait, to get a clear mind first before she threw anything at herself. Because what was truly ridiculous was how much she was tumbling over her own thoughts without even knowing what foundation those thoughts had.

Hana breathed in deeply as she sorted out her thoughts. She needed to avoid having a train of negative thoughts suddenly break out of nowhere. Otherwise, the exact thing as on the campus would happen again.

In an attempt to stay rational, Hana tried to divide her thoughts into facts and emotions. But just then she would wonder:

Was there actually an inner-conflict? Or uncertainty?

After all, she hadn’t been contradicting herself, nor had she had an argument with herself or been uncertain about something, right?

Hana slowly nodded her head. Right …?

“Goddammit, right,” she unconsciously mumbled, as if to emphasize her answer. And as she continued to think about it, as she tried to only focus on the facts, she realized one very important thing. One important factor.

Hana was being completely and absolutely irrational at this very moment. She was losing herself in just one thought. Like an idiot, she had been only focused on that and only that. And with such illogicality, she had lost herself in the moment, thereby fading reality out. She had been so focused that she forgot about what was surrounding her. The outer world. She had been so lost that didn’t realize how illogical she was being. And with that, she had, with her own hands, drowned her in an illusion of loss.

She had thought that she had the same problems again, when in reality she had only been talking herself into believing it. Because Hana, and she’d finally realized it herself, had a big problem staying rational.

With all her heart, she was emotional. For all her life, she’d been emotional. And whenever something would occur, she’d have one thought – only a single one! – and her whole being would focus on it and forget about everything else. Be it a positive or negative thought. Be it consciously or subconsciously. It always happened.

First she had been so focused on not realizing. Then when the realization had dawned upon her, the sudden wave of sorrow had crashed over her so strongly that it was almost unfitting. The change to distraction had come just as quick. Before a sudden helplessness appeared when she subconsciously talked herself into chaos. When she thought that she fell into chaos.

However, it was onl