“W-What?”

It wasn’t after blinking several times, and a silence of ten seconds, that Hana realized that this wasn’t a bad joke. That what Luhan had just said wasn’t just to . There had been no trace of humor in his voice to begin with.

“You’re going to be transferred?” She asked despite knowing that she’d heard very well. Despite knowing that she didn’t want to hear the affirmation. Despite knowing that an answer with finality would crush reality onto her. A reality that she wished would never happen.

Luhan remained wordless, as though he knew that the girl actually didn’t want to hear it again.

The silence surrounding the two seemed to drown them. Luhan in the tension and worry as to how she would react. Hana in the disbelief of processing the news.

When she took a deep breath and took a step back, looking as if she was falling backward, Luhan knew the information had finally reached her brain. With an almost painful accuracy of reading her expressions, he watched her disbelieving smile turn agape and her confused eyes finding their focus. But the newly found focus didn’t seem to help her arrange her thoughts. Her gaze was only shimmering with one emotion: pain.

Without further ado, he closed the distance between them and wrapped his arms around her frail body. Luhan felt that there was no need for words at this moment. Because right now everything and all that mattered to him was Hana and only Hana.

He hugged her for a long time, his arms tightly and yet tenderly holding her, while he himself tried to cope with the situation. Although he wasn’t the one who’d just been told such news by the loved one, he was still the one telling his loved one. Because even if he didn’t have to undergo the shock, the separation, the unwillingness and the pain were all things he was feeling as well.

If possible, he wished just to stop time and continue living in the reality the two had created. If possible, he didn’t want to leave, ever. Even if it was dumb, part of him just wanted to continue like this. Because even though it could be so much better with him being healthy again, it could also be much worse. Without Hana in his life, without the calm days and the wonderful moments whenever the girl visited. Without the kind of acceptance he had towards his fate. His sad fate.

Suddenly knowing that there was a way out of it took him aback. Truthfully, it was shocking. On the hand it could mean that he could finally get what he always wanted – being completely healthy –, but on the other hand he’d be throwing away everything he had at this moment. Admittedly, that wasn’t much, but even if his life seemed pitiful to others, he had slowly learned not to pity himself anymore. He had learned to accept it. And even though his life wasn’t the best – it was far from that, in fact –, with the acceptance and with Hana, it didn’t feel half as bad as it sounded. In a way, he had grown used to life being like this. He had grown used to being in this state.

But of course, he wasn’t irrational enough to let such coward-like thoughts ruin the chances of becoming healthy again. The part that wanted things to remain the way they were, that was the coward inside him. The one that was afraid of changes. Because even if there was a chance of success, there was also one of failure. That very part of him didn’t feel ready for this bargain.

Somewhere inside him there was the courageous Luhan. The one who’d take every risk in the world, any change, just to finally achieve the health he’d been dreaming of for years.

However, it was hard to determine which one was dominating.

In the train of thoughts Luhan hadn’t even noticed how Hana’d already pulled out of the embrace. He hadn’t noticed how the she’d trained her gaze on him, watching each and every of the changes in his expression. He hadn’t realized how she looked right through him. How those confused eyes, furrowed eyebrows and twitching lips of his gave his inner conflict away to Hana.

He hadn’t even noticed how she’d closed her eyes for several seconds and took in deep breaths to calm down and get herself together.

“You’re afraid, aren’t you?” Hana whispered. “Afraid of the change and the risk…”

How?

Luhan found himself wondering how it was possible that she was able to read him that well. How was she able to read him when her gaze had just been blurred by pain? He searched for eye-contact again, and surprisingly, the pain couldn’t be seen anymore.

He stared at her for many seconds, quite dumbfounded, before he tiredly mumbled, “Yeah.”

"Oh, Luhan." All of a sudden Hana smiled, surprising the boy even more. She reached out to squeeze his shoulder lightly. 

"Even if you're afraid, you and I both know that you have to go," she said with a kind of rationality lingering in her voice that was so rare for the ever-so emotional girl. Wasn't she the one always being led by her emotions and forgetting any kind of logic or rationality? 

Luhan stared at her with big eyes for many seconds before he processed what she said. It wasn't the content that surprised him. It was the fact that Hana said it that surprised him. That Hana would say something like this in such a situation. When he had seen the pain in her eyes earlier, he’d been so sure that she would break down. That she would, with the pain in her gaze, try to hold him back. And deep inside he wished she had.

Of course he knew that it was only logical for him to go, that he had to go. However, there was still the part of him unwilling to give up what he had right now – be it that little. 

"I know … It's just, I don't want to hope for something that's so vague," he mumbled, trying to find an excuse. "When I go, I will probably automatically get my hopes up too high." Despite being an excuse, it was very true as well.

For a while Hana just stared at him, unsure what to say. Of course she understood his problem. But wasn't he the one who'd taught her not to lose hope? 

"Does it really matter, though?" Hana took a deep breath. "Does getting one's hopes up too high even matter in such a situation? Disappointment , I know. But what even more is that you're stuck here. This is a chance – vague, but still one – and you're going to take it, Luhan." Hana felt bad for using such forceful and almost hurtful words, but then again, she really didn't know what else to say in this situation.

She wasn't even sure why she was behaving like this. Why she was questioning his uncertainty when exactly that uncertainty would have him stay by her side. With that uncertainty he might not leave. With him not leaving, she wouldn’t have to feel the pain of loneliness. And wasn't that what a part of her was wishing for?

But then again, the bigger desire, the stronger wish, was for Luhan to be healthy. 

Which was w