23rd Dec 2012, Sunday, Windy

Junhyung's POV

“Ouch Oppa, let go of me, it hurts!” Hara whined as I pulled her into a secluded corner at the backstage. My eyes pierced straight into hers. She used to be a sweet, little girl. Where have all the innocence gone?
 

“Oppa! Why are you acting this way?” She said, stammering, at the same time breaking free from my grasp.
 

“Why? Tell me why did you do that?”
 

“Why what? What did I do?”
 

“Hara, I saw it. You were pacing stealthily outside the corridor of 4Minute’s makeup room. And soon after, Hyuna’s heels broke on the stage. Don’t tell me you’ve nothing to do with it?”
 

“Oppa, you know what? Your words stung. This hurts more than the night on the yacht. So is this how I appear in your eyes? ”
 

“Hara-yah, this is between us. I don’t want you to hurt Hyuna.”
 

“Hyuna, Hyuna, Hyuna! It’s just her and only her! What about me, oppa? If I tell you it wasn’t me, will you believe me? If I tell you after I know Jiyoung tampered Hyuna’s heels, I wanted to salvage the situation, will you believe me?”
 

This left me speechless. She continued. “To think I wanted to erase the memory of that night. To think I wanted to forget what you’ve done, and give you a second chance. To think I thought we could reconcile. It’s all my fantasy, isn’t it?  There’s no more trust between the both of us. I doubt we can continue anymore.”
 

After saying, she left and I was too lost for words. I guessed I jumped into conclusion a little too fast.
 

I returned back to the audience seats of the ceremony, pretending that nothing had happened. Sitting next to Hyunseung as that was the only empty seat, I sensed a tad uncomfortable. I don’t know why, but somehow Hyunseung had changed a little. He seemed to be less generous with his words, and was always in his tiny little world of music. I don’t know is it because of his dad’s passing or some other unknown reasons that I was oblivious of. I just hated the awkward atmosphere whenever there’s only the two of us together. It wasn’t like this last time. We were considered the closest among the rest but the brotherly feeling somehow drifted away. Or so I thought.
 

Thinking about the incident that happened a while ago, I felt that I am really a jerk. How could I jump into conclusions and made bitter accusations towards Hara of what she didn’t do. I have never seen Hara throwing such huge temper before. I think I have done a bit overboard.
 

***
 

The ceremony finally ended, and we were back in our dorm.  Hong Ssajanggnim had been rushing me for my compositions for our next album. Taking out my notebook, I started penning down the lyrics that came into my mind unwittingly. Inspiration begins to flow as memory starts to unveil.
 

I recalled the trainee days when Hyuna just joined Cube Entertainment. How we always played and bickered with each other.
 

If I had make known my feelings to her then..
 

If I hadn’t know Hara..
 

If my feelings didn’t waver here and there…

I shouldn’t have saved the words “I love you” but said it more to you
Even if I was lazy, even if I was tired, I should’ve ran to you because I missed you
I should’ve dropped you off at your home every single day
Instead of meeting friends on the weekend, I should’ve been with you

Why am I regretting now? Why didn’t I know back then?
I’m sorry (I’m sorry), I’m sorry, baby (I’m sorry, baby)
Why am I regretting now? You are so precious to me
I hoped that I would remain as a good memory to you

Because I was young back then, because I didn’t know any better
Will you at least hear my excuses? And will you hold my hand again?
Even if it’s not now, even if it takes a little time
I will keep your spot empty, I will continue to stay here

I hope it’s not too late to bring you back (I will keep your spot empty)
I hope you won’t get so far that I can’t reach you (I will continue to stay here)

I didn’t even hear it but the finishing bells have rung, I can’t believe it
Without even a safety device, you broke up with me and now you’ve become my yesterday and not my today
When I look back, instead of understanding you, I put my pride forward and gave you a hard time

I’m sorry, I’m probably not in your heart anymore, I’m probably just a memory to you

I know I should get over you but it’s not that easy
I’m sorry (I’m sorry), I’m sorry, baby (I’m sorry, baby)
I’m not used to anything without you, you know me better
I wanted to give you only good memories

After days pass and time flows, you become clearer
Why are the words “I love you” lingering in my mouth now?
I think I know now, I can be much better
But it’s too late for these regrets, you’re already so far away

It’s because of my own indecisive feelings that lead to all these miserable incidents among the four of us.
 

I am really a joker.
 

A joker of my own feelings.
 

A joker of my own life.